Dave closed his eyes and ruthlessly pushed those thoughts back into the hole they’d crawled out of. He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, doing what he could to slow his thundering pulse. The mentors in rehab had said he needed to acknowledge those recollections, work through them to accept that he wasn’t to blame for those deaths, but he’d be damned if he did that while reading bedtime stories to his nephew—who’d been through his own trauma. Bedtime stories with a body count, for God’s sake. What was Julie thinking? Was she trying to give the kid nightmares?
He squeezed Alex’s shoulder. “You okay?”
The boy nodded. “Yeah. You?”
The kid was too damn perceptive. Dave nodded. “I will be.” He stood, pausing at the door. “I’ll be sleeping on the couch if you need anything.”
“Goodnight, Uncle Dave.”
“Sweet dreams, Alex,” he said, as he shut the door.
“That’s what Mom used to say to us when we were little. I didn’t know you remembered.” Julie sat in a tweedy chair with worn armrests, her feet propped up on the coffee table. She lifted the glass of white wine in her hand. “You want some? The bottle’s in the fridge.”
Wine wouldn’t begin to quiet his unruly thoughts. A shot of whiskey, now, that would be a fine thing. Until the shot became half the bottle. The guilt would be gone for a little while, but so would his self-respect.
He sat down on the sofa, opposite her. “No thanks. I don’t drink anymore.”
Julie’s brows rose. He could see a host of questions in her eyes, but the one she asked was, “Is it a problem if I do?”
“No. It’s fine.”
They sat in silence for a while, Julie sipping her wine, Dave trying to settle his thoughts. It helped to think about what he had to do on this visit like it was an op, prioritizing his objectives and then planning what he needed to do to achieve each one. The old adage that no plan survived first contact had certainly proven true in this case, however.
“Julie—,”
“Dave—,”
They spoke at once, then both said, “Go ahead,” at the same time, then laughed.
Dave waved his hand to indicate she should start.
“What are you doing here?” she said, then held up her hand. “Sorry, that didn’t come out the way I meant. But, why now?”
Dave grimaced. “You mean, why am I here after not making the time to come visit you and Alex for the last ten years?”
Julie tilted her head in agreement. “I hope you’re not here just to find out how I’ve been spending your money.”
“Well, I know what you haven’t been spending the money on,” he waved his hand to indicate the trailer. “But that conversation can wait. What I need to know now is who the hell is Chad and what was he looking for?”
Kellan watched Tasha’s expression as Athena and Melchior spun their story.
**My grandfather, Peter Mayfair, was the first human that volunteered to be a host,** Deborah, Athena’s host said. **The first that I know of, anyway. He did it to save the life of a Guardian U’dahmi so he could keep on helping the people of Dakin’s Hollow. And because he loved my grandmother. The Guardian was her partner.**
Kellan remained silent, holding his mental barriers rigidly closed so they couldn’t read his thoughts and play him. He’d listen with an open mind, but Deborah had just confessed that two other U’dahmi had broken the promises they’d made to the Council and given him enough information to identify them.
**Why didn’t the Guardian transition in the usual way?** Tasha asked. **They knew it was against your rules. Why did they do it?**
Exactly the question Kellan had been wondering. Was she so closely attuned to him that she could pick up his barely formed thoughts?
**The Guardian had used too much of his strength saving a woman and her baby. His vessel was dying. At first, the hosting was supposed to be just a stop-gap until the Guardian could transition into one who had just passed. But Grampa liked the benefits of sharing his body and invited the Guardian to stay.**
**So you grew up knowing about U’dahmi and wanted one of your own?** Kellan asked.
**Of course I was curious—**
Athena interrupted her host. **You can see Deborah’s mind and heart, Enforcer. She knew the import of her choice.**
**And you? Did you decide that waiting for a mortal to die was just too much trouble?**
Melchior made an exasperated sound. **You know how hard it’s become to find a dying person who isn’t surrounded by family and hooked up to medical equipment. I almost transitioned into a body scheduled for organ donation last time. I would have died if Athena hadn’t introduced me to Dimitrios. I didn’t coerce him. He asked me to join him in his body.**
Exasperated, Kellan asked, **And how did he even know to do that? How many mortals are out there now, looking to pick up an U’dahmi hitchhiker?**
**It’s not like that!** Dimitrios broke in. **My brother married Deborah’s sister, who hosts a stick-up-her-ass Seraphim! That’s how I knew.**
**If anything, we’re more fervent about keeping our existence secret than you are,** Athena added. **We have to hide not just from the Celestials and the Apostates, but from the U’dahmi Council as well. And now that I’ve mentioned it, how did you find out about us?**
**I’m not sure the Council does know about you. They sent me to investigate a case of possession,** Kellan answered.
Athena’s host, Deborah, said, **They’re not possessing us. It’s nothing like mental slavery. Athena is more considerate of me than my biological sister is. We’re family.**
**We take care of each other,** Melchior said.
**Our lives are longer and healthier,** Demetrios added, **and the knowledge of art and history that I’ve gained is like an all-you-can-eat banquet for me.**
**I’ve heard enough,** Kellan said, dropping his grasp on Melchior’s and Athena’s hands.
This went so much further than the Council thought—or at least further than Ezra had said. He had some hard decisions to make. And in the meantime, they’d won Tasha over with their tale of family loyalty—something she understood better than most. She’d never forgive him for what he had to do. It was one thing to understand rules—and even the reasons for them—quite another to enforce them. And these two—they weren’t the usual rogues who had gone a little mad, drawing attention to themselves and thereby endangering all U’dahmi. No, of course not. Tasha would have to be here to witness the deaths of nice people who had nevertheless flagrantly broken an ironclad rule.
How could he explain this to her?
Tasha reached across to lace her fingers with his. The pleasure of her touch tangled with the pain of knowing he would soon alienate and repulse her. And how could he protect her if she no longer wanted to have anything to do with him?
**You think you have to kill them to enforce the rules of the Council, but you don’t.**
Kellan pulled back a little, startled at how close her comment followed his thoughts—again.
Tasha kept hold of his hands. **If the Council had known about this they would have already stopped it, right?**
Kellan nodded. **Undoubtedly.**
**So they don’t know. They haven’t even picked up on a single rumor for over a hundred years. And most humans don’t know anything either. If the National Enquirer had ever gotten a line on “real life vampires” the headlines would be screaming at every checkout line in America. Obviously, these people aren’t drawing attention to the U’dahmi. And they’re not breaking the rule about possessing people against their will, either. So where’s the harm?**
Antoine’s weak, raspy voice surfaced in his memory. “Bend the rules a little, mon ami. It’s not the same as breaking them, and it’s for the greater good.”
Shit.
The thought hadn’t been meant for Tasha but she laughed anyway. **Does that mean you’ll leave them be?**
Chapter Seven
As Julie grimaced and took a large swallow of win
e, Dave did his best to not bark, “Sit-rep!” at her as if commanding a report from one of his men. He’d been in enough group therapy sessions, however, to know that shouting at people didn’t encourage them to confess their embarrassing past.
“Chad was charming when I met him. That was about eight months ago. He had a steady job and never asked me to pay for dinner, or his rent. He didn’t do drugs or try to get me into bed on the first or even the second date. We more or less moved in together about two months ago.”
He grudgingly admitted to himself that she hadn’t rushed unthinking into the relationship, but what he said was, “You mean he moved in with you.”
Julie glared at him. “He kept his own place, but he was here more often than not.”
Dave forced himself to wait until the silence goaded her to continue.
“Everything was great at first. Alex was a little slow to warm up to Chad—”
Smart kid.
“—but I put that down to reluctance to share his space―and me―with someone else. Chad never lost his temper with him. Not at first, anyway. But after a few weeks, something felt…off. Chad seemed distracted and sometimes he’d get phone calls that he took outside. But that happens, you know? He started drinking more, but I thought maybe I was just paranoid because of Dad. And I hadn’t dated in years. Not since Mom went downhill. I wasn’t sure what was normal anymore.”
Dave nodded. He didn’t know what normal dating was like either. They certainly wouldn’t have learned what a healthy relationship looked like from their parents. He shoved a twinge of guilt to the back of his mind. He hadn’t been around to give Julie a hand with their mom, but he’d helped pay the bills. The extra cost of prescriptions, doctors, and later the nursing home had been the reason he hadn’t re-upped with the Army and instead taken the job with MissionOne. Being a soldier for hire had paid many times better, though the code of conduct had been rather lower.
He pulled his attention back to the matter at hand. “And then what?”
“He hit Alex.”
“Who was trying to protect you?”
Julie looked away.
Memories crowded into his mind. Dad snarling obscenities, his fist raised. Dad swinging a belt. Mom wearing sunglasses to hide her shiners. Mom cowering behind Dave as he took the blows intended for her.
“It wasn’t the first time he’d hit you, was it?”
His sister shook her head, not meeting his gaze. “As far as Alex knows it was only the once, and I’d like to keep it that way.”
Like mother like daughter. Dave clenched his fists, choking on the hurtful words that rose in his throat like bile.
“But when he hit Alex, that was it,” she finished.
“So you tossed Chad out.” At least she’d done that.
Julie nodded. “I told him if I ever saw him again I’d get a restraining order.”
“But he came back.”
Julie nodded.
Men like Chad, like their Dad, didn’t like to lose. They had to be in control and they didn’t tolerate anyone telling them what to do, especially a woman. And they could be persuasive—seemingly contrite—until the next time they got pissed off. Julie was already one step ahead of their mom who’d never tried to leave or throw out their dad. “Did you take him back?”
Her gaze snapped to his. “No! I would never—not after he hit Alex.”
Dave forced his hands to relax. “Good.” He looked around at the shabby furniture and the plastic paneled walls. “Tomorrow you’ll pack up and I’ll take you and Alex back to Tucson with me.”
“No, you will not,” Julie put her glass down sharply and leaned forward. “I have a job. Alex has school. We both have friends.”
Dave continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “Take only what you really need. We can replace everything else. You won’t leave a forwarding address.”
Julie jumped to her feet. “You can’t just come in here and take over! This is my life! I’ll handle it.”
He stood so he could look her in the eye as he gestured at the broken door. “Like you handled that? Chad didn’t just come in here to trash the place. He was looking for something. Whatever it is, he wants it bad. How long until he comes back to look again? What if he gets ahold of Alex next time? Do you think he’ll ask the boy nicely?”
Fear flashed across Julie’s face, and he realized he was looming over his sister the same way their dad had loomed over their mom when he’d been angry. Dave took a step back, hating the way her expression crumpled at his words, but he wasn’t done. “And don’t pretend that Alex can defend himself. He did really good this afternoon, but he called you instead of the cops. He may know how to open your gun safe, but—”
“He didn’t call me,” she interrupted in a hollow tone.
“He said—” Dave shook his head, disgusted with himself. “Of course. He didn’t know who I was and was bluffing. But that just proves my point. If Chad hadn’t given up and left, Alex would have either been beaten, or taken to use as leverage over you, or he would have had to shoot Chad—and live with that memory for the rest of his life. You weren’t here to protect him. You can’t be every hour of every day. How will you stop that from happening next time?”
Julie just looked at him, her expression stricken, saying nothing. He knew what she was thinking as the memory of the worst night of his life flashed hot and cold through his veins.
Tasha tried to not feel abandoned when Kellan pulled free of her grasp. She understood he wanted time to think without having to shield himself from another’s thoughts, but his withdrawal left her feeling isolated. She liked the touch of his mind on hers. Without realizing it, she reached for Melchior’s and Athena’s hands.
Her introduction to Celestials and U’dahmi, not to mention communicating telepathically with them, had been rather abrupt, to say the least. But surprisingly, beyond the trauma of being kidnapped, it hadn’t freaked her out. Her entire existence had been upended, but ever since that night when she’d first let Kellan feed from her, she’d wanted more—from him. He’d pulled back from her, though, dropping her unceremoniously in Monique’s lap.
Monique had taught her well, giving her the skill to create mental barriers that kept that knowledge from Kellan when he’d interviewed her for Ezra. He didn’t need to know that she’d thought about him almost every night of the last six months. No one was getting into her mind without either an invitation or doing serious damage. That was a scary thought, but Monique didn’t believe in protecting her from the truth. And Kellan wasn’t about to commit that kind of assault on her, not without a compelling reason. He might not feel what she felt for him, but he was an honorable man. He’d respect her privacy.
**He cares for you, too,** Athena thought. **It’s his honor that keeps him from showing it.**
Tasha looked at the woman with horror. **How did you—does he know? I thought I’d kept that hidden. If you could see that, then I am a liability! Ezra will mind-wipe me, and punish Kellan.**
Melchior smiled gently. **Calm yourself. Your barriers are intact. Your secret is safe.**
**Then how—?**
**Athena is very skilled.**
**I was a Lightbringer, like Kellan, before I became U’dahmi. We love knowledge. But perhaps more importantly, I know what being in love feels like. So does Kellan, but I think he’s forgotten. In any case, your emotions are riding close to the surface right now. I can taste them on you.**
**I just like the way he feels in my head. I might like to jump his bones while sharing that connection—that would be intense— but I’m not in love with him.**
**Are you not?** Melchior asked, chuckling. **You’ve touched his soul. You know him better than most humans know their mates.**
**Hide the truth from him, if you will, but don’t lie to yourself,** Athena admonished. **Falseness like that will weaken you.**
Tasha looked from Melchior to Athena. She did feel a certain connection to Kellan, but falling in love with an U’dahmi would be way t
oo complicated. Loving Gideon might be all right for Ana, but her sister had already been into all that woo-woo shit before she even met the Celestial. Now that Monique had taught her how to control her Fey gifts, Tasha intended to return to her design career—just as soon as the Golden Path forgot about her. **Shouldn’t you two be worrying about what Kellan is going to decide instead of my love life?**
**At the risk of sounding like a Hallmark movie,** Deborah said, **without love there is no life.**
Tasha glanced over at Kellan. He stood slightly turned away, deep in thought. His expression gave nothing away. Suddenly he looked over at her and his expression softened subtly. Something in her lifted and she felt the corner of her mouth curve upward in a hint of a smile.
Crap. Maybe she was in love with the jerk.
Athena and Melchior exchanged knowing smirks.
**Cut that out,** Tasha demanded.
The two U’dahmi just grinned wider.
**Why aren’t you trying to fight or run away?** Tasha asked, changing the subject. **How can you be so resigned to accept whatever he decides?**
**It’s possible we might defeat him, but not without great cost. Our human hosts might be psychologically or physically damaged, and that would be unacceptable,** Melchior said. **Further, he knows about us now. Even if we escaped, he would track us down. We and those like us could only be safe if we killed him or wiped his mind. We don’t want to commit that kind of violence on him—or you for that matter .**
**Some people would see it as self-defense to save your lives and protect the others like you.**
Their horror and revulsion were too immediate to be anything but genuine. **That is a very human attitude,** Athena said.
**Hey!** Deborah protested. **Self-defense isn’t just a human instinct. But yes, I’ll do whatever is necessary to protect us,** she told Athena.
**As would I,** Dimitrios said.
**No, you must not,** Melchior said. **Only rogues and Apostates destroy Celestial lives.**
Apostate Page 7
