Rhia sighed, and knew that in the quiet moments in her life when she was in Scotland, that these memories of his face would be what carried her through. She hated that thought and shook it away.
Hated that she was so indecisive. Hated that one moment, she had made up her mind to stay here. With Aidan. And the next, something or someone would remind her just how much she didn't belong there. How glaringly obvious it was.
Rhia wasn't like that. In normal situations, she was always very decisive. Knew exactly what she wanted. And never hesitated when she made a decision. But this was not just whether she wanted to wear her black dress instead of her blue one. This was life changing. Life altering.
It was something that couldn't be taken lightly. Had to be thought through. And it wasn't just her decision to make. She knew Aidan wanted her here, but for how long?
She knew this had been the root of her problems. The not knowing. And she hated that her thoughts could never just settle on their decision.
She also knew that if this had happened in London, with a normal home, most likely she would have been turned away, not even cared about. It wasn’t uncommon. Or, if they did allow her to get well beneath their roof, she would have been cared for by servants, and kept in a small room where several maids would have also been sleeping. She most certainly would never have been allowed above stairs. Allowed to have a beautiful suite and had the family wait on her hand and foot. It was so unheard of, so completely far-fetched that Rhia still had a hard time believing that not only had Lydia taken care of her, but Aidan had as well.
They were so far above her station, and Rhia had never heard of regular gentry acting the way the St. Andrew family did. Aidan was not like the men of the ton, and that gave her a small amount of hope, but she knew deep in her belly that their marriage would never be accepted by the ton. Would always be looked down on by Aidan’s peers and the members of the elite ton.
That was her biggest problem. Not that she expected marriage from him, but with how she was feeling about him, she had a small kernel of hope that it could be something more. And she knew she needed to stop it. To make it go away. And that was harder than she realized.
Rhia sighed. Hating her thoughts and how much meeting Aidan had thrown her through a loop. How she had gone from knowing exactly what she wanted in life to questioning every little thing instead.
She needed to get up and move. Had stayed here for too long. Her thoughts plaguing her and making her head ache. Her leg still felt stiff and unyielding, but she needed to feel confident in herself again. It had been stripped away from her the last few days, and she couldn’t stand it.
She went to stand, and felt a touch to her back that made her start and squeal in surprise. When she looked to see who it was, she was surprised to see Lydia.
The Duchess herself. Rhia gave her a tiny smile. “Hello Lydia. What are you doing here? I thought you and the girls went back up to the house.” She hoped that Lydia hadn’t just seen her sobbing her heartbreak out into the open sky.
Lydia gave her a kind smile as she gestured to the bench next to Rhia. “May I sit?” Rhia nodded and Lydia sat next to her. She reached out and grasped Rhia’s hand in hers. “I apologize for startling you. I know you wanted and wished for time alone, but I couldn’t grant it to you. I knew you were struggling and hearing your sobs made my heart ache for you. I had the girls leave, but I knew you needed me. Even if you didn’t really want me here. Care to tell me your troubles? I will not fault your or judge you for the words you speak. But I feel you need to get them out.”
Rhia bit her lip, and looked down. She couldn’t really tell Lydia, could she? Lydia gave her hand a squeeze and Rhia decided to let it all out for the Duchess to hear. Her thoughts, her fears. Everything. She laid it all bare and Lydia listened to everything. When Rhia finished up, Lydia pulled her into a hug. “My dear sweet child. I hate that you have these thoughts. But I understand them. My only advice is for you to speak with Aidan. He will explain things to you. Will you do that? And after you are finished, come find me again. Let me know how you fare.”
Rhia nodded, “I will do that.” Lydia gave her one last hug and stood. “Now, I will leave you to your peace and solitude.” Rhia smiled and Lydia left. Glancing back once, “Please speak with Aidan. I promise he will answer your questions.”
Rhia nodded again and Lydia left her to contemplate everything she had said. Rhia knew she was right and she needed to find Aidan. She was afraid, but had more hope than before. Plus, like she thought before, she needed to get up, to get moving again.
Before she had worked so hard to be able to walk independently, without the aid of a cane, or Julia, and she did pretty well. She just needed to get her leg to remember that it could walk again.
So, standing slowly, she walked a few steps away, and her leg gave. She quickly reached out and grabbed onto something to steady herself. It worked.
The branch she grabbed onto was sturdy and kept her standing. She smiled. She had been able to stay on her feet without someone's assistance.
Walking a bit more, she got to a fork in the path. Deciding to head down the one that had more greenery and plants, she walked slowly down the path until she came out the other side.
Her leg had given way only once more, but she hadn’t fallen and when she got further her leg hurt less and she felt that she could make it. But, seeing where the path had taken her, she was a little overwhelmed.
It had led her right to the mews. Hearing the stable hands talking, and people working made her confident that she could make it back to the house.
But, looking around, she saw how far she had walked. Trying to get her leg to work better for her again.
The house was up the hill quite farther than she thought, and she knew she would have a hard time getting there.
She grit her teeth, and was determined to make it there alone. She took a few small steps and was in front of the mews, when her leg shook and she tilted to the side. She knew that this was not going to end well, and she staggered.
The door to the stables brought her up short, and she rested against it for a minute, trying to get her leg to rest. She was rubbing it, and leaning on the door when she heard her name.
She spun around, and her eyes landed on Aidan. He was in the stables, and was only in his shirtsleeves and breeches. His waistcoat was gone, she had no idea where it went, and seeing his white shirt stick to his sweaty body, had her swallowing hard.
She could see his defined muscles through his white shirt as the sweat of his body made the shirt almost see through, and thought he had a lot more than most men. Not that she had seen many men or their chests.
But seeing Aidan this way? He was a work of art. She could see each muscle in his stomach, they looked almost like a cobblestone road. And she could count each small bump in his stomach. His arms were thick slabs of muscle, much larger than one of her thighs. She always wondered why he could pick her up with hardly any strain, and now she knew the answer.
Blinking, she tore her gaze away from his chest, and gave herself a shake. She looked up into his eyes and she saw him smile.
“What are you doing all the way out here? How did you get down here by yourself?” he asked, and Rhia cleared her throat.
“I, well, I needed some fresh air, and some time to myself. I just needed to get my thoughts together. Although your mother did help me sort out some of those thoughts.”
He smiled, “That’s good. I hope her advice was well intentioned?” She nodded, but didn’t elaborate. She knew she needed to talk to him, but all her thoughts had flown out of her head at the sight of him.
Aidan looked down at her and took her hand gently in his large one. He drew her injured hand up to look at it, and carefully inspected it.
It had stopped hurting, which Rhia was extremely grateful for, but she could still see the angry red it had become. After getting them cleaned off, they weren’t as bad as she had thought, though they were still red and a little painful
.
Aidan kissed her palm gently and holding her hand in his, interlocking their fingers together.
She tried to tug it free, but he held it so tenderly, she stopped pulling on it. She didn’t really want to get away. “I can help you back to the house, if you give me a few moments. I just have to finish these stalls.”
Rhia shook her head. “I can manage on my own, thank you.” She needed to remember her vow to stay away from him. And though she wanted to listen to Lydia’s advice, she was frightened. Wanting to know, but scared to find out his true thoughts on her and what their future could hold.
But, being near him now, it was hard for her to keep that simple thought in her brain. It seemed whenever she got close to him, her brain turned into a pile of mush.
She tugged her hand free, and Aidan let her go.
His eyebrows were drawn down in a frown. “It is all right Rhi, I can come back and do this in a bit then. The walk is rather far from here. I would hate to see you injured when I can take you.”
Rhia shook her head again. “No, Aidan, thank you. I can manage. The walk will do me good. Truly.”
Aidan took a step forward, “Are you all right? What has happened? This morning, you agreed that you would let me help you. And now, you seem skittish. Did someone say something to you again?”
He had a fierce look on his handsome face, and she shook her head again, “Nothing happened. I just realized some things while I was alone. Things that needed reminding of.”
Aidan looked down into her red rimmed eyes, “You were crying. Please, Rhia tell me who hurt you. I will help you; I promise.”
Rhia sighed, “No one hurt me Aidan. I just needed to cry, and it came out. Sometimes you just cry.”
Aidan shook his head at her, “Yes, Rhia. Sometimes that’s true, but I have a feeling it was more than that.”
Rhia turned from him, and took a step. “Just leave it alone Aidan,” Aidan stopped her by holding her arm. “I will not, not when this is hurting you. I can’t stand it Rhiannon. I,” he went to continue, but Rhia cut him off.
She turned back to him; every bit of Lydia’s words now gone in her anger. He dropped her arm. “You can’t fix everything Aidan. You have a life to live, a busy life. You cannot fight every single battle for me, and I am still a stranger to you, so I don’t know why you would want to fight them. I am a big girl. I can handle a little pain all by myself. I have done a fabulous job of it for twenty-one years.”
Aidan growled, “I know, but I am here now. You don’t always have to shoulder everything yourself. I have big enough shoulders to help bear your burden. To fight your battles. And, you aren’t a stranger, not to me.”
Rhia softened her tone, “I know you feel that way, but truly, we are strangers. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me.”
Aidan leaned down to where she was standing. Since she was so much shorter than him, he crouched a little as well. “Rhiannon. To me, you are not a stranger. Not in my heart. In my soul. I may not know every single detail of your life, just as you don’t know every detail of mine. But I am telling you this now, I know what I need to about you. You are beautiful and kind. You are strong, and you can take care of yourself. That wasn’t ever in question. You are wonderful in your strength. I am in awe of it. And, I know that I am grateful I found you in the rain that day. I feel like I know everything that I need to. The rest is just details that we can figure out later.”
Rhia sucked in a breath and looked into his eyes, “I feel like I know you too” She whispered quietly, admitting that secret to him. “But, Aidan-”
Aidan grinned and kissed her. He didn’t let her finish her protest. He had his eyes open as he kissed her softly, and watched her slide her eyes closed. His closed too; and he lightly slid his tongue over her lips, and at her slight intake of breath, he deepened the kiss and touched his tongue to hers.
Her tongue lightly touched his back, and Aidan pulled Rhia’s body tighter into him, kissing her again and again, until he felt breathless, so he broke the kiss off.
Breathing hard, he put his forehead to hers and took a deep breath. He looked down and she looked up at him, her beautiful blue eyes stared into his green ones, and he smiled.
Her lips were swollen from his kisses and it made him smile more. He touched her bottom lip lightly and she smiled. “No buts today Rhia. I promise it will work the way it should. May I show you the stables?”
Rhia looked down, and when she looked back up, she was biting her lower lip, and looking like she was going to say no. He used his thumb to pull her lip from her teeth, “Please. It would be my pleasure to show them to you.”
Rhia nodded and he pulled her arm into the crook of his. Guiding her into the building, he walked slowly and when they got to his horse, Rhia gasped, “He is beautiful. What is his name?”
Aidan smiled, “Her name is Star Dancer. She is my favorite horse.”
Rhia looked up at him, “May I touch her?”
Aidan nodded, “Of course.” Rhia lifted her hand slowly and put her hand under Star Dancer’s nose. The horse snuffled her hand and Aidan guided Rhia’s hand up her nose and Rhia smiled as she felt how soft the horse was.
It had been a long time since she had been around horses. She looked up at Aidan again, “I have missed horses. We sold all my father’s horses after his death.”
Turning away from Aidan, she took a step from his side, and Aidan caught her elbow. “Rhia?”
She shook her head, and was embarrassed to note that her eyes had started to fill with tears.
Blinking hard, she lifted her hand and wiped them under her eyes. Aidan came in front of her and put his index finger under her chin and lifted her face to where he could see it.
Seeing her tears, Aidan’s heart hurt. “Rhia, please don’t cry,” Rhia shook her head.
Aidan sighed, “Rhi,” but she shook her head again, “Aidan, I am all right.”
Aidan cupped her face in his hands. “I just worry. Seeing your beautiful face full of sadness makes my heart hurt.”
Rhia’s eyes were liquid, “Why are you so wonderful?”
Aidan smiled, “Because you give me a reason to be.”
Rhia smiled slightly, “I don’t understand you. You are a duke, a member of the elite ton, practically royalty and here you are with a cripple girl who barely has anything to her name, and yet you only treat me wonderfully.” And now after everything she truly wanted to know why. Lydia’s advice that she should speak with Aidan roaring back.
Aidan chuckled, “Rhia, even if you had more money, a better title, more influence than I hold, I would still want to help you, be with you. I may be a duke, but that doesn’t define who I am. It didn’t for my father certainly. I learned long ago that just holding a title doesn't make you a good person. In fact, if you must know, I hate my title, but know that I can at least do something good with it. Make a new name for myself and be better than the person who held the title before me.”
Rhia’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion, “What do you mean? Your mother said I should speak to you about this, but I am afraid Aidan.”
Aidan pulled her along in the stable until they got to a door, which Aidan put his hand on, and waited.
He said, “She is a good woman. And trust me Rhia, I am afraid too. But not in the way you are. I do need to tell you this story and I’m hoping that you will listen to everything and not judge me for them. Can you do that?” She nodded and he put his head to the door. Then he straightened. “I haven’t been in this room in years. I couldn’t. The memories are too horrible, too painful and still fresh in my mind. But, I want to show you a small part of my life.”
Rhia looked up at him in confusion again. “I am sorry, but I am not certain I understand?”
Aidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and then he opened the door to reveal a tack room.
In the center of the room were a few poles that had riding equipment stored on them. There were a few boxes and other things scattered abou
t, as well as a layer of hay on the floor. But, there wasn’t anything sinister about the room. It was just a room. Or so she thought.
Aidan helped her to a box and sat her down on it. “One of the many reasons I don’t let being a duke rule my life, happened in this very room. In that spot there.” He pointed to a post that was in the middle of the tack room, the one with a few bridles hanging from it.
“My father was not a good man, which is an understatement to say the least. He ruled our house with an iron fist, and was not afraid to use that fist, on us. The fist, a whip, a paddle, his belt, it didn’t matter what. He wasn’t afraid to hurt us to get his point across. In fact, he took great pleasure in doing just that. After the second maid was found dead, after being raped and beaten by my father, and after several footman quit after being beaten, rather severely, our staff went from many to few. Everyone was afraid for their lives, or afraid for the women to come to our household, they left in great droves. Abandoning any referral letter, and a lot of their personal belongings. Since we had only a tiny staff to do the work of many people, that left work. A lot of work and not enough people to do it. So, I stepped in. I had to. Otherwise we all would have suffered. I worked the fields to plant crops, I mucked stables, I cleaned rooms, took care of ledgers, did the dishes, washed linens, polished silverware, among a few other things. If it needed to be done, I did it. So did my family.”
He stopped for a minute and took a breath. Rhia had never heard of gentry working like Aidan was telling, so this was new to hear. She was scared to hear more.
“We weren’t afraid of hard work. None of us could escape it, and it never bothered us, but my father thought it was beneath our stations. Was taught as much. Because we were titled, had plenty of money, so us, as titled peerage shouldn’t be doing servants work. It was something that just wasn’t done. Wasn’t accepted.”
Aidan paced the floor in front of her and ran his hand through his hair, disheveling it from its queue. It fell in waves around his face and he pushed it out of his face with an impatient hand. He had righted his hair after their kisses earlier and now, he needn’t have bothered.
The Duke Who Loved Me Page 22
