“Thor Thorogood, pleased to meet you. Callum, is it? Or are you Rex?”
“I’m Callum, this is Rex,” replied Callum stiffly.
“Hi,” said Rex, sheepishly, shaking hands and trying to hold in his stomach. He knew his kit was a little on the tight side but now, standing beside a real-life version of Action Man, he felt old and utterly ridiculous.
“Great,” said Thor, trying to break the ice. “Shall we go upstairs and get the paperwork and measurements done first, then we’ll head to the gym for your fitness assessment. Don’t worry,” he continued jovially, “I usually go easy on you in the first session.”
Rex and Callum didn’t respond.
Rex handed over his diet sheet. He was already a little breathless from climbing the stairs, his fitness level obviously wasn’t that great. Thor scanned it quickly.
“Doesn’t look too bad,” he mumbled.
“Doesn’t it?” replied Rex, sitting on the edge of the chair; his shorts were already beginning to cut off his circulation.
“He must have lied,” said Callum. “No one has a lifestyle as bad as him.”
“You’ve only filled in two days though,” continued Thor.
“Well they’re all pretty much the same,” said Rex, “I didn’t see the point of repeating myself.”
“And how long have you been vegan?” asked Thor, looking at him. He really couldn’t believe he’d written that down.
“Vegan?” said Callum in disbelief. “Since when have you been a vegan?”
“The last few days actually,” replied Rex, smugly. “You can ask Rachael if you don’t believe me, no animal products have passed my lips.”
“What a load of bollocks,” said Callum angrily. “Christ, can you not even fill in a form properly?”
“OK, my daughter’s home and she’s vegan so I’ve been eating vegan too. Have you ever tried fucking chickpeas? Amy even made meringues out of the water that came out of the bloody tin. They were alright, actually. Wasn’t sure about the vegan beer though, still prefer Tennent’s.”
Callum shook his head as Thor grinned. Rex was actually quite likeable and he could see how Rachael might have been attracted to him. From first impressions they seemed to have a similar sense of humour.
“And I’ve drunk enough water to fill the bloody Clyde, that’s why I wrote it down.”
“Well that would be a first. Did you put your usual alcohol intake down?” asked Callum, exasperated. “He’s drunk water for about as long as he’s been a bloody vegan. Didn’t you put down your usual five pints a day?”
“I haven’t had a drink since Saturday.”
“Only because you were coming here. You know it won’t last,” replied Callum.
Thor looked at Rex, who simply shrugged his shoulders.
“OK,” said Thor, “I think I get the picture. Callum, I looked at yours and it wasn’t too bad. What you’re eating isn’t so much the problem, it’s more the frequency and possibly the portion size. From what I can see, neither of you get a great deal of exercise, apart from golf, is that right? Golf’s great for general exercise but we’ll need to add in a few sessions that get your heart rate up and then set up a diet plan if you want to lose some weight.”
Neither Callum or Rex said a word.
“Then we can set a few goals. You said on the phone, Callum, that you both wanted to get in shape and lose some weight. Has anything brought this on? You both say that you haven’t got any health issues, do you have a particular reason for wanting to get healthier?”
This should be interesting.
Thor waited. Rex looked at Callum. Thor looked at Rex. Callum remained silent.
“Or are you just here for fun?” continued Thor. “I mean, it’s not an issue, but usually people come to a personal trainer because they want to lose weight or improve their fitness or they want to take part in a charity run or something. What is it that you guys want to get out of these sessions? It’s always good to have a goal.”
“I just want to get fit again,” mumbled Callum, “and lose a bit of a weight.”
“Just in case we have to put ourselves back on the market,” added Rex. “We think our wives might be at it, if you know what I mean.”
Callum sighed. He should have known better than to involve Rex in any type of plan.
“At what?” replied Thor, knowing exactly what Rex was insinuating.
“You know, ‘It’,” said Rex, trying to thrust his hips in his impossibly tight shorts. “Jiggy-jiggy, mid-life crisis, trying to pick up younger men and all that.”
“For Christ’s sake, Rex, will you just shut up,” hissed Callum. “Look, we do want to get back in shape, we’ve both let ourselves go. But we also think Rachael and Maggie, both of whom we know are coming to see you, are trying to get fit because they’re planning on leaving us. We think they’re both having a bit of a menopausal fling, so to speak, so we need to get ourselves sorted just in case we have to look for replacements.”
“I see,” said Thor. Maggie was right, he wasn’t exactly a barrel of laughs. “So basically, you want me to turn you into Brad Pitt?”
“Exactly,” replied Rex, standing up. His shorts were killing him; he couldn’t sit down any longer. “If Rachael’s shagging someone else, which she must be because she’s definitely not shagging me, I’ll need to up my game and so will he,” he added, looking at Callum. “He needs to get rid of that gut. If I was Maggie I wouldn’t shag him either, would you?”
“You are such a dickhead,” said Callum, suddenly furious. “And Rachael’s not shagging you because you’re always pissed. If I was Rachael, I’d have divorced you years ago, she deserves a fucking medal. I might be fat but at least I can still pull.” As the words left his mouth, Callum was furious with himself. Rex burst out laughing.
“Oh good one, the only thing you’ve pulled lately is that fucking miserable face,” he replied. Then, turning to Thor, he laid it on the line. “OK, so he’s fat and I’m a slightly overweight pisshead; basically, we need all the fucking help we can get. So if you think you can make me look like you or even Brad Pit, I’m prepared to give it a shot. I don’t know about that grumpy bastard, but I’m definitely in.”
And as Rex desperately tried to rearrange himself within the confines of his shorts, Thor was suddenly excited by the fact that an unexpected but very entertaining challenge was now well and truly on.
* * *
On her way back from the airport, Maggie was stuck in traffic. Myles had offered to get a taxi, but she saw so little of him that driving him back to the airport gave her the opportunity to share another precious hour of his company. The afternoon had been special and after the drama of the unexpected interruption, they had relaxed and made love in the warm sanctuary of the hay loft. Slow, considerate and romantic, Myles had been the perfect lover. She missed him already but he was up again in ten days for one of the golf boys, Davie Sutherland’s birthday. Hopefully they could manage a meeting then. Maggie looked at the clock; she needed to call Rachael. She searched for her number and pressed call.
“Hi, Mags, how are you?” answered Rachael chirpily.
“Hello, sweetheart. Sorry, I was going to call earlier but I was tied up.”
“Sounds exciting, I wish someone would tie me up,” laughed Rachael. “Where are you anyway, you sound like you’re in the car?”
“I am, the traffic’s awful. I’ve been stuck in this queue for half an hour. Anyway, guess what, I looked at the Uni website and couldn’t find anything, so I called their sports hall to see if there was any football on and they had no idea what I was talking about.”
“Is that where it was supposed to be?” asked Rachael. “Rex said he didn’t know where it was.”
“Callum said it was at the Uni sports hall, he said he didn’t know where it was either but I told him he’d been there before. It’s definitely not on so I’ll see what he says when he gets home, unless I have to collect him from A&E.”
“If Rex ends up in
A&E, he can bloody stay there,” replied Rachel. “That’s a shame we don’t know where they are, I would have loved to watch Rex trying to play football, especially in his bloody Wham! shorts. Honestly, you should have seen them. I bet he can hardly move.”
“Well Callum planned on wearing his golf gear and a pair of Ophelia’s old trainers, the other guys will wet themselves laughing. I looked in his rucksack and he’d even taken his belt. I can’t wait to see the state of him when he gets home. Anyway, think of me in the morning, I’ve got my weigh-in. I hope I’ve lost weight. I feel as though I have, especially after an afternoon of sex with Myles.”
Rachael gasped. “Is that what you’ve been up to, you bad woman? Did he just fly up for the day?”
“I promised him sex in the barn,” replied Maggie mischievously.
“No way!” said Rachael. “You took him to the house? Oh my God, Maggie, are you mad? What if someone had seen you?”
“They nearly did,” replied Maggie. “We were in the middle of it, up in the hay loft, when Davie the postman turned up and wanted a signature. I nearly died. I had to threaten to overlook his tip at Christmas if he didn’t sign it for me. I was stuck at the top of the barn, sitting astride Myles. I had to tell him I was rat-catching to stop him climbing up, it was hilarious; well it was afterwards, it wasn’t at the time.”
Rachael didn’t know what to say. Eventually, she spluttered,
“You are completely mad, do you know that? Is Myles coming up for Davie’s birthday do?”
“Yes, all the golf boys are coming, even the London ones. They’re just golfing and drinking as usual. I’m going to try and see him but it’s not going to be easy. I’m going to have to tell Callum soon, we can’t go on like this.”
“So is it really serious, do you think?” asked Rachael cautiously; she was worried that Maggie might be about to make a terrible mistake. Myles Cavendish hadn’t got the finest of reputations when it came to women.
“I think it is, Rachael. I know you probably think I’m mad, but he says he wants me to leave Callum for him and I believe him. I know Callum has someone else, but he’ll still go ballistic when he finds out I want to divorce him for Myles Cavendish.”
“Well he has a point,” replied Rachael. Maggie sighed. Rachael was right to be sceptical. If Myles was seeing Rachael, she probably wouldn’t trust him either.
“Anyway, enough of that because the football mystery still has to be solved,” said Maggie, changing the subject. “So I’ll text you once I’ve grilled him again. Let me know if you find anything out from Rex, won’t you?”
“I’ll do my best,” replied Rachael. “Good luck in the morning, let me know how you get on.”
And as Rachael hung up, Maggie switched on the radio and turned up the volume. The traffic was still moving at a snail’s pace but she wasn’t bothered. Despite being surrounded by hundreds of frustrated Glasgow commuters on the M8, she actually felt remarkably calm. Resting her head on the headrest as the traffic inched forward, Maggie allowed her mind to wander back to the barn. She could still smell his cologne and it excited her. She missed him, she wanted to be near him and ten days seemed like an eternity. Maggie smiled. At the ripe old age of forty-seven, she finally knew what it felt like to fall in love.
CHAPTER 40
Still reeling from the harsh truth of the weigh-in, Rex and Callum stood side by side in front of the treadmills. Thankfully, the treadmills were away from the sweaty frenzy of the after-work fraternity, the majority of whom were still in competitive mode, keen to outdo each other in both stamina and toned physiques. Nervously, Rex looked around the gym, intrigued by a world that he had never inhabited. Not everyone looked like an athlete; there were normal blokes too, he wasn’t the only one. Rex sighed. He’d played rugby at school and a little at college and, in his early years, it had kept him in good shape, but as he’d stepped onto the relentless treadmill of earning a decent living, the only exercise he’d taken in recent years was the occasional round of golf, which inevitably ended up with several social pints in the bar. The slippery slope had turned into an Olympic downhill as far as his health and fitness was concerned, and he was surprised that he wasn’t twice the size. Amusingly, he could see that it had annoyed Callum, who satisfyingly had weighed in considerably more than him, despite his dog-walking, healthy home-cooked meals and golf twice a week. Callum did like a drink though, and maybe too many of Maggie’s puddings and heavy business lunches had assisted him on his downward slide into middle-age spread.
“Right then,” said Thor. “We’ll start with walking pace then, once you’ve warmed up and we’ve done a few stretches, I’ll get you both back on and I’ll up the pace to see how you get on. OK?”
Reluctantly, Rex and Callum stepped onto the treadmills. Callum looked at the clock. They only had half an hour so the torture couldn’t go on for too long. Thor pressed Start and slowly the belt began to move. As he increased the incline and upped the pace to a moderate walk, Callum and Rex finally began to move.
“We’re just going to go at a moderate walking pace for two minutes, then I’ll up it to a brisk walk for one minute, then down to moderate again for the last minute. Then, once you’ve stretched out your legs and had a short breather, we’ll see how you get on with a slow jog.”
Rex looked at the timer: thirty seconds. Time seemed to be slowing down; he was already starting to feel muscles he never knew he had. Attempting to keep his breathing under control, he tried to remember the last time he had walked with any form of pace, let alone run, and his shorts weren’t helping the issue; they were unbelievably uncomfortable.
On the other treadmill, Callum was trying to deal with his own demons. He’d been shocked by the weigh-in and the fact that he was officially borderline obese. He knew he’d put on weight, he’d had to buy a new suit last week, but it had crept up on him slowly and, basically, he’d just got used to it. It was a mystery that Emma found him attractive at all. Callum looked at the timer: two minutes. He was already sweating and Thor hadn’t upped the pace yet. He could also have done without the belt and his trainers were definitely too small, he couldn’t spread his feet out properly which he knew would make it difficult to run. He wondered why he had thought this was a good idea, as annoyingly Thor seemed professional and actually quite likeable. He hadn’t mentioned Maggie, but then he probably wouldn’t if he was having sex with her. Thor turned up the pace and, as he stood back, Callum watched him in the mirror. He was good-looking with a great physique and he could appreciate that any woman might find him attractive. Add a spoonful of hormones and a fading marriage and he could see why Maggie might be flattered by his attention. But it was difficult to imagine the two of them together. He actually didn’t look the type. Maybe he’d got it wrong. She was definitely having an affair with someone but maybe it wasn’t him. Or maybe he was just a good liar.
Trying not to think about his ill-fitting trainers, which were really starting to pinch, Callum looked again at the timer which seemed to be clicking very slowly through the brisk-pace minute. He was really starting to sweat now, but as he looked over at Rex, he was glad to see that he was struggling too. They weren’t even running yet; this was still just a brisk walk, the jogging was yet to come.
Watching them suffer, Thor was fascinated by the situation. Callum hadn’t mentioned any medical conditions, but Maggie had said that he’d been suffering from depression and had attempted suicide. She’d also said he was having an affair. Why would he say that he wanted to get in shape to get Maggie back when he was having an affair? Something didn’t add up. Maybe he wanted to lose weight for his new woman which, interestingly, Rex didn’t seem to know about or he would no doubt have mentioned it. Callum probably didn’t trust him, as Rex did seem the type to engage his mouth before his brain. He was a bit of a buffoon, but Thor actually found him quite affable; whether he’d want to be married to him though was another question, as from what she had told him, he obviously drove Rachael around the bend. He could
still see them as a couple though, they both made him laugh; if neither of them had met someone else, there might be a way of keeping them together. For Callum and Maggie, however, the chances of reconciliation looked very slim. He wouldn’t have put them together in the first place. He would have to ask her how they met tomorrow.
Finally, Thor turned down the pace for a minute of moderately paced walking. The guys were both dripping. The jog was looking extremely challenging.
“Right, well done,” he said, trying to sound encouraging. “I’ll stop you in a minute and you can get a drink of water and a short breather. Are you both OK?”
“Yes,” replied Callum, trying to get his breathing to slow down. “I’m fine.”
“Rex?”
“Yep,” replied Rex. “Bit sweaty, but I’m still alive. Do people really walk this fast?”
Thor pressed the stop buttons and the treadmills slowed to a halt. Gingerly Callum and Rex dismounted, both of them dreading the thought of a jog.
“OK, let’s spread out a bit and we’ll stretch out the legs. Let’s put our feet together, then touch your toes.”
And as they raised their arms and bent forward, the sweaty silence was suddenly broken by the sound of a thunderous chickpea fart, along with Rex’s shorts finally giving up the challenge.
* * *
Callum and Rex sat in silence as Thor wrote up his notes. They’d just about managed a couple of minutes of jogging, but the sit-ups and press-ups had proved challenging. It had given them food for thought though; he could tell by their faces that the session had been a wake-up call. It would be interesting to see where they went from here.
“So, gents, as you’ve probably realised, fitness levels aren’t great and you’ve both got a bit of weight to lose to get you back into the healthy range. The question is where you want to go from here? Weight loss will only really happen through a change in diet, but if you up the exercise it will speed up the process as well as giving your heart a good work-out and improve your overall health. To be completely honest with you, just one session a week isn’t really enough and most of my clients attend my classes or I give them a gym programme which they can follow themselves.”
Trust Me, I’m a Personal Trainer Page 21
