CHAPTER XV
THE CONSULTATION
The doctor's room was very quiet. Jane leaned back in his dark greenleather arm-chair, her feet on a footstool, her hands gripping the armson either side.
The doctor sat at his table, in the round pivot-chair he alwaysused,--a chair which enabled him to swing round suddenly and face apatient, or to turn away very quietly and bend over his table.
Just now he was not looking at Jane. He had been giving her a detailedaccount of his visit to Castle Gleneesh, which he had left only on theprevious evening. He had spent five hours with Garth. It seemed kindestto tell her all; but he was looking straight before him as he talked,because he knew that at last the tears were running unchecked downJane's cheeks, and he wished her to think he did not notice them.
"You understand, dear," he was saying, "the actual wounds are going onwell. Strangely enough, though the retina of each eye was pierced, andthe sight is irrecoverably gone, there was very little damage done tosurrounding parts, and the brain is quite uninjured. The present dangerarises from the shock to the nervous system and from the extreme mentalanguish caused by the realisation of his loss. The physical sufferingduring the first days and nights must have been terrible. Poor fellow,he looks shattered by it. But his constitution is excellent, and hislife has been so clean, healthy, and normal, that he had every chanceof making a good recovery, were it not that as the pain abated and hisblindness became more a thing to be daily and hourly realised, hismental torture was so excessive. Sight has meant so infinitely much tohim,--beauty of form, beauty of colour. The artist in him was soall-pervading. They tell me he said very little. He is a brave man anda strong one. But his temperature began to vary alarmingly; he showedsymptoms of mental trouble, of which I need not give you technicaldetails; and a nerve specialist seemed more necessary than an oculist.Therefore he is now in my hands."
The doctor paused, straightened a few books lying on the table, anddrew a small bowl of violets closer to him. He studied theseattentively for a few moments, then put them back where his wife hadplaced them and went on speaking.
"I am satisfied on the whole. He needed a friendly voice to penetratethe darkness. He needed a hand to grasp his, in faithful comprehension.He did not want pity, and those who talked of his loss withoutunderstanding it, or being able to measure its immensity, maddened him.He needed a fellow-man to come to him and say: 'It is a fight--anawful, desperate fight. But by God's grace you will win through tovictory. It would be far easier to die; but to die would be to lose;you must live to win. It is utterly beyond all human strength; but byGod's grace you will come through conqueror.' All this I said to him,Jeanette, and a good deal more; and then a strangely beautiful thinghappened. I can tell you, and of course I could tell Flower, but to noone else on earth would I repeat it. The difficulty had been to obtainfrom him any response whatever. He did not seem able to rousesufficiently to notice anything going on around him. But those words,'by God's grace,' appeared to take hold of him and find immediate echoin his inner consciousness. I heard him repeat them once or twice, andthen change them to 'with the abundance of Thy grace.' Then he turnedhis head slowly on the pillow, and what one could see of his faceseemed transformed. He said: 'Now I remember it, and the music isthis'; and his hands moved on the bedclothes, as if forming chords.Then, in a very low voice, but quite clearly, he repeated the secondverse of the VENI, CREATOR SPIRITUS. I knew it, because I used to singit as a chorister in my father's church at home. You remember?"
"'Enable with perpetual light The dulness of our blinded sight. Anoint and cheer our soiled face With the abundance of Thy grace. Keep far our foes; give peace at home; Where Thou art Guide, no ill can come.'"
"It was the most touching thing I ever heard."
The doctor paused, for Jane had buried her face in her hands and wassobbing convulsively. When her sobs grew less violent, the doctor'squiet voice continued: "You see, this gave me something to go upon.When a crash such as this happens, all a man has left to hold on to ishis religion. According as his spiritual side has been developed, willhis physical side stand the strain. Dalmain has more of the real thingthan any one would think who only knew him superficially. Well, afterthat we talked quite definitely, and I persuaded him to agree to one ortwo important arrangements. You know, he has no relations of his own,to speak of; just a few cousins, who have never been very friendly. Heis quite alone up there; for, though he has hosts of friends, this is atime when friends would have to be very intimate to be admitted; andthough he seemed so boyish and easy to know, I begin to doubt whetherany of us knew the real Garth--the soul of the man, deep down beneaththe surface."
Jane lifted her head. "I did," she said simply.
"Ah," said the doctor, "I see. Well, as I said, ordinary friends couldnot be admitted. Lady Ingleby went, in her sweet impulsive way, withoutletting them know she was coming; travelled all the way up fromShenstone with no maid, and nothing but a handbag, and arrived at thedoor in a fly. Robert Mackenzie, the local medical man, who is aninveterate misogynist, feared at first she was an unsuspected wife ofDal's. He seemed to think unannounced ladies arriving in hired vehiclesmust necessarily turn out to be undesirable wives. I gather they had asomewhat funny scene. But Lady Ingleby soon got round old Robbie, andcame near to charming him--as whom does she not? But of course they didnot dare let her into Dal's room; so her ministry of consolationappears to have consisted in letting Dal's old housekeeper weep on herbeautiful shoulder. It was somewhat of a comedy, hearing about it, whenone happened to know them all, better than they knew each other. But toreturn to practical details. He has had a fully trained male nurse andhis own valet to wait on him. He absolutely refused one of our Londonhospital nurses, who might have brought a little gentle comfort andwomanly sympathy to his sick-room. He said he could not stand beingtouched by a woman; so there it remained. A competent man was foundinstead. But we can now dispense with him, and I have insisted uponsending up a lady nurse of my own choosing; not so much to wait on him,or do any of a sick-nurse's ordinary duties--his own man can do these,and he seems a capable fellow--but to sit with him, read to him, attendto his correspondence,--there are piles of unopened letters he ought tohear,--in fact help him to take up life again in his blindness. It willneed training; it will require tact; and this afternoon I engagedexactly the right person. She is a gentlewoman by birth, has nursed forme before, and is well up in the special knowledge of mental thingswhich this case requires. Also she is a pretty, dainty little thing;just the kind of elegant young woman poor Dal would have liked to haveabout him when he could see. He was such a fastidious chap aboutappearances, and such a connoisseur of good looks. I have written adescriptive account of her to Dr. Mackenzie, and he will prepare hispatient for her arrival. She is to go up the day after to-morrow. Weare lucky to get her, for she is quite first-rate, and she has onlyjust finished with a long consumptive case, now on the mend and orderedabroad. So you see, Jeanette, all is shaping well.--And now, my deargirl, you have a story of your own to tell me, and my whole attentionshall be at your disposal. But first of all I am going to ring for tea,and you and I will have it quietly down here, if you will excuse me fora few minutes while I go upstairs and speak to Flower."
* * * * *
It seemed so natural to Jane to be pouring out the doctor's tea, and towatch him putting a liberal allowance of salt on the thinbread-and-butter, and then folding it over with the careful accuracywhich had always characterised his smallest action. In the essentialshe had changed so little since the days when as a youth of twentyspending his vacations at the rectory he used to give the lonely girlat the manor so much pleasure by coming up to her school-room tea; andwhen it proved possible to dispose of her governess's chaperonage andbe by themselves, what delightful times they used to have, sitting onthe hearth-rug, roasting chestnuts and discussing the many subjectswhich were of mutual interest. Jane could still remember the painfulpleasure of turning hot chestnuts on the
bars with her fingers, and howshe hastened to do them herself, lest he should be burned. She hadalways secretly liked and admired his hands, with the brown thinfingers, so delicate in their touch and yet full of such gentlestrength. She used to love watching them while he sharpened her pencilsor drew wonderful diagrams in her exercise books; thinking how in yearsto come, when he performed important operations, human lives woulddepend upon their skill and dexterity. In those early years he hadseemed so much older than she. And then came the time when she shot uprapidly into young womanhood and their eyes were on a level and theirages seemed the same. Then, as the years went on, Jane began to feelolder than he, and took to calling him "Boy" to emphasise this fact.And then came--Flower;--and complications. And Jane had to see his facegrow thin and worn, and his hair whiten on the temples. And she yearnedover him, yet dared not offer sympathy. At last things came right forthe doctor, and all the highest good seemed his; in his profession; inhis standing among men; and, above all, in his heart life, which Flowerhad always held between her two sweet hands. And Jane rejoiced, butfelt still more lonely now she had no companion in loneliness. Andstill their friendship held, with Flower admitted as a third--awistful, grateful third, anxious to learn from the woman whosefriendship meant so much to her husband, how to succeed where she hadhitherto failed. And Jane's faithful heart was generous and loyal toboth, though in sight of their perfect happiness her loneliness grew.
And now, in her own hour of need, it had to be Deryck only; and thedoctor knew this, and had arranged accordingly; for at last his chancehad come, to repay the faithful devotion of a lifetime. Theconversation of that afternoon would be the supreme test of theirfriendship. And so, with a specialist's appreciation of the mentaleffect of the most trivial external details, the doctor had orderedmuffins, and a kettle on the fire, and had asked Jane to make the tea.
By the time the kettle boiled, they had remembered the chestnuts, andwere laughing about poor old Fraulein's efforts to keep them in order,and the strategies by which they used to evade her vigilance. And theyears rolled back, and Jane felt herself very much at home with thechum of her childhood.
Nevertheless, there was a moment of tension when the doctor drew backthe tea-table and they faced each other in easy-chairs on either sideof the fireplace. Each noticed how characteristic was the attitude ofthe other.
Jane sat forward, her feet firmly planted on the hearth-rug, her armson her knees, and her hands clasped in front of her.
The doctor leaned back, one knee crossed over the other, his elbows onthe arms of his chair, the tips of his fingers meeting, in absolutestillness of body and intense concentration of mind.
The silence between them was like a deep, calm pool.
Jane took the first plunge.
"Deryck, I am going to tell you everything. I am going to speak of myheart, and mind, and feelings, exactly as if they were bones, andmuscles, and lungs. I want you to combine the offices of doctor andconfessor in one."
The doctor had been contemplating his finger-tips. He now glancedswiftly at Jane, and nodded; then turned his head and looked into thefire.
"Deryck, mine has been a somewhat lonely existence. I have never beenessential to the life of another, and no one has ever touched the realdepths of mine. I have known they were there, but I have known theywere unsounded."
The doctor opened his lips, as if to speak; then closed them in afirmer line than before, and merely nodded his head silently.
"I had never been loved with that love which makes one absolutely firstto a person, nor had I ever so loved. I had--cared very much; butcaring is not loving.--Oh, Boy, I know that now!"
The doctor's profile showed rather white against the dark-greenbackground of his chair; but he smiled as he answered: "Quite true,dear. There is a distinction, and a difference."
"I had heaps of friends, and amongst them a good many nice men, mostlyrather younger than myself, who called me 'Miss Champion.' to my face,and 'good old Jane' behind my back."
The doctor smiled. He had as often heard the expression, and couldrecall the whole-hearted affection and admiration in the tones of thosewho used it.
"Men as a rule," Continued Jane, "get on better with me than do women.Being large and solid, and usually calling a spade 'a spade;' and not'a garden implement,' women consider me strong-minded, and are inclinedto be afraid of me. The boys know they can trust me; they make aconfidante of me, looking upon me as a sort of convenient elder sisterwho knows less about them than an elder sister would know, and isprobably more ready to be interested in those things which they chooseto tell. Among my men friends, Deryck, was Garth Dalmain."
Jane paused, and the doctor waited silently for her to continue.
"I was always interested in him, partly because he was so original andvivid in his way of talking, and partly because"--a bright flushsuddenly crept up into the tanned cheeks-"well, though I did notrealise it then, I suppose I found his extraordinary beauty ratherfascinating. And then, our circumstances were so much alike,--bothorphans, and well off; responsible to no one for our actions; withheaps of mutual friends, and constantly staying at the same houses. Wedrifted into a pleasant intimacy, and of all my friends, he was the onewho made me feel most like `a man and a brother.' We discussed women bythe dozen, all his special admirations in turn, and the effect of theirbeauty upon him, and I watched with interest to see who, at last, wouldfix his roving fancy. But on one eventful day all this was changed inhalf an hour. We were both staying at Overdene. There was a big houseparty, and Aunt Georgina had arranged a concert to which half theneighbourhood was coming. Madame Velma failed at the last minute. Aunt'Gina, in a great state of mind, was borrowing remarks from her macaw.You know how? She always says she is merely quoting `the dear bird.'Something had to be done. I offered to take Velma's place; and I sang."
"Ah," said the doctor.
"I sang The Rosary--the song Flower asked for the last time I was here.Do you remember?"
The doctor nodded. "I remember."
"After that, all was changed between Garth and me. I did not understandit at first. I knew the music had moved him deeply, beauty of soundhaving upon him much the same effect as beauty of colour; but I thoughtthe effect would pass in the night. But the days went on, and there wasalways this strange sweet difference; not anything others would notice;but I suddenly became conscious that, for the first time in my wholelife, I was essential to somebody. I could not enter a room withoutrealising that he was instantly aware of my presence; I could not leavea room without knowing that he would at once feel and regret myabsence. The one fact filled and completed all things; the other left ablank which could not be removed. I knew this, and yet--incrediblethough it may appear--I did not realise it meant LOVE. I thought it wasan extraordinarily close bond of sympathy and mutual understanding,brought about principally by our enjoyment of one another's music. Wespent hours in the music-room. I put it down to that; yet when helooked at me his eyes seemed to touch as well as see me, and it was avery tender and wonderful touch. And all the while I never thought oflove. I was so plain and almost middle-aged; and he, such a beautiful,radiant youth. He was like a young sun-god, and I felt warmed andvivified when he was near; and he was almost always near. Honestly,that was my side of the days succeeding the concert. But HIS! He toldme afterwards, Deryck, it had been a sudden revelation to him when heheard me sing The Rosary, not of music only, but of ME. He said he hadnever thought of me otherwise than as a good sort of chum; but then itwas as if a veil were lifted, and he saw, and knew, and felt me as awoman. And--no doubt it will seem odd to you. Boy; it did to me;--buthe said, that the woman he found then was his ideal of womanhood, andthat from that hour he wanted me for his own as he had never wantedanything before."
Jane paused, and looked into the glowing heart of the fire.
The doctor turned slowly and looked at Jane. He himself had experiencedthe intense attraction of her womanliness,--all the more overpoweringwhen it was realised, because it did not appear upon the sur
face. Hehad sensed the strong mother-tenderness lying dormant within her; hadknown that her arms would prove a haven of refuge, her bosom a soothingpillow, her love a consolation unspeakable. In his own days ofloneliness and disappointment, the doctor had had to flee from this inJane,--a precious gift, so easy to have taken because of her veryignorance of it; but a gift to which he had no right. Thus the doctorcould well understand the hold it would gain upon a man who haddiscovered it, and who was free to win it for his own.
But he only said, "I do not think it odd, dear."
Jane had forgotten the doctor. She came back promptly from the glowingheart of the fire.
"I am glad you don't," she said. "I did.--well, we both left Overdeneon the same day. I came to you; he went to Shenstone. It was a Tuesday.On the Friday I went down to Shenstone, and we met again. Having beenapart for a little while seemed to make this curious feeling of`togetherness,' deeper and sweeter than ever. In the Shenstone houseparty was that lovely American girl, Pauline Lister. Garth wasenthusiastic about her beauty, and set on painting her. Everybody madesure he was going to propose to her. Deryck, I thought so, too; in factI had advised him to do it. I felt so pleased and interested over it,though all the while his eyes touched me when he looked at me, and Iknew the day did not begin for him until we had met, and was over whenwe had said good-night. And this experience of being first and most tohim made everything so golden, and life so rich, and still I thought ofit only as an unusually delightful friendship. But the evening of myarrival at Shenstone he asked me to come out on to the terrace afterdinner, as he wanted specially to talk to me. Deryck, I thought it wasthe usual proceeding of making a confidante of me, and that I was tohear details of his intentions regarding Miss Lister. Thinking that, Iwalked calmly out beside him; sat down on the parapet, in the brilliantmoonlight, and quietly waited for him to begin. Then--oh, Deryck! Ithappened."
Jane put her elbows on her knees, and buried her face in her claspedhands.
"I cannot tell you--details. His love--it just poured over me likemolten gold. It melted the shell of my reserve; it burst through theice of my convictions; it swept me off my feet upon a torrent ofwondrous fire. I knew nothing in heaven or earth but that this love wasmine, and was for me. And then--oh, Deryck! I can't explain--I don'tknow myself how it happened--but this whirlwind of emotion came to restupon my heart. He knelt with his arms around me, and we held each otherin a sudden great stillness; and in that moment I was all his, and heknew it. He might have stayed there hours if he had not moved orspoken; but presently he lifted up his face and looked at me. Then hesaid two words. I can't repeat them, Boy; but they brought me suddenlyto my senses, and made me realise what it all meant. Garth Dalmainwanted me to marry him."
Jane paused, awaiting the doctor's expression of surprise.
"What else could it have meant?" said Deryck Brand, very quietly. Hepassed his hand over his lips, knowing they trembled a little. Jane'sconfessions were giving him a stiffer time than he had expected. "Well,dear, so you--?"
"I stood up," said Jane; "for while he knelt there he was master of me,mind and body; and some instinct told me that if I were to be won towifehood, my reason must say `yes' before the rest of me. It is`spirit, soul, and body' in the Word, not `body, soul, and spirit,' asis so often misquoted; and I believe the inspired sequence to be theright one."
The doctor made a quick movement of interest. "Good heavens, Jane!" hesaid. "You have got hold of a truth there, and you have expressed itexactly as I have often wanted to express it without being able to findthe right words. You have found them, Jeanette."
She looked into his eager eyes and smiled sadly. "Have I, Boy?" shesaid. "Well, they have cost me dear.--I put my lover from me and toldhim I must have twelve hours for calm reflection. He was so sure--sosure of me, so sure of himself--that he agreed without a protest. At myrequest he left me at once. The manner of his going I cannot tell, evento you, Dicky. I promised to meet him at the village church next dayand give him my answer. He was to try the new organ at eleven. We knewwe should be alone. I came. He sent away the blower. He called me tohim at the chancel step. The setting was so perfect. The artist in himsang for joy, and thrilled with expectation. The glory of absolutecertainty was in his eyes; though he had himself well in hand. He keptfrom touching me while he asked for my answer. Then--I refused him,point blank, giving a reason he could not question. He turned from meand left the church, and I have not spoken to him from that day tothis."
A long silence in the doctor's consulting-room. One manly heart wasentering into the pain of another, and yet striving not to be indignantuntil he knew the whole truth.
Jane's spirit was strung up to the same pitch as in that fateful hour,and once more she thought herself right.
At last the doctor spoke. He looked at her searchingly now, and heldher eyes.
"And why did you refuse him, Jane?" The kind voice was rather stern.
Jane put out her hands to him appealingly. "Ah, Boy, I must make youunderstand! How could I do otherwise, though, indeed, it was puttingaway the highest good life will ever hold for me? Deryck, you knowGarth well enough to realise how dependent he is on beauty; he must besurrounded by it, perpetually. Before this unaccountable need of eachother came to us he had talked to me quite freely on this point, sayingof a plain person whose character and gifts he greatly admired, andwhose face he grew to like in consequence: 'But of course it was notthe sort of face one would have wanted to live with, or to have dayafter day opposite to one at table; but then one was not called to thatsort of discipline, which would be martyrdom to me.' Oh, Deryck! CouldI have tied Garth to my plain face? Could I have let myself become adaily, hourly discipline to that radiant, beauty-loving nature? I knowthey say, 'Love is blind.' But that is before Love has entered into hiskingdom. Love desirous, sees only that, in the one beloved, which hasawakened the desire. But Love content, regains full vision, and, astime goes on, those powers of vision increase and become, by means ofdaily, hourly, use,--microscopic and telescopic. Wedded love is notblind. Bah! An outsider staying with married people is apt to hear whatlove sees, on both sides, and the delusion of love's blindness isdispelled forever. I know Garth was blind, during all those goldendays, to my utter lack of beauty, because he wanted ME so much. Butwhen he had had me, and had steeped himself in all I have to give ofsoul and spirit beauty; when the daily routine of life began, whichafter all has to be lived in complexions, and with features to thefore; when he sat down to breakfast and I saw him glance at me and thenlook away, when I was conscious that I was sitting behind thecoffee-pot, looking my very plainest, and that in consequence my boy'sdiscipline had begun; could I have borne it? Should I not, in themiserable sense of failing him day by day, through no fault of my own,have grown plainer and plainer; until bitterness and disappointment,and perhaps jealousy, all combined to make me positively ugly? I askyou, Deryck, could I have borne it?"
The doctor was looking at Jane with an expression of keen professionalinterest.
"How awfully well I diagnosed the case when I sent you abroad," heremarked meditatively. "Really, with so little data to go upon--"
"Oh, Boy," cried Jane, with a movement of impatience, "don't speak tome as if I were a patient. Treat me as a human being, at least, andtell me--as man to man--could I have tied Garth Dalmain to my plainface? For you know it is plain."
The doctor laughed. He was glad to make Jane a little angry. "My deargirl," he said, "were we speaking as man to man, I should have a fewvery strong things to say to you. As we are speaking as man towoman,--and as a man who has for a very long time respected, honoured,and admired a very dear and noble woman,--I will answer your questionfrankly. You are not beautiful, in the ordinary acceptation of theword, and no one who really loves you would answer otherwise; becauseno one who knows and loves you would dream of telling you a lie. Wewill even allow, if you like, that you are plain, although I know halfa dozen young men who, were they here, would want to kick me into thestreet for saying so, and I should h
ave to pretend in self-defence thattheir ears had played them false and I had said, 'You are JANE,' whichis all they would consider mattered. So long as you are yourself, yourfriends will be well content. At the same time, I may add, while thisdear face is under discussion, that I can look back to times when Ihave felt that I would gladly walk twenty miles for a sight of it; andin its absence I have always wished it present, and in its presence Ihave never wished it away."
"Ah, but, Deryck, you did not have to have it always opposite you atmeals," insisted Jane gravely.
"Unfortunately not. But I enjoyed the meals more on the happy occasionswhen it was there."
"And, Deryck--YOU DID NOT HAVE TO KISS IT."
The doctor threw back his head and shouted with laughter, so thatFlower, passing up the stairs, wondered what turn the conversationcould be taking.
But Jane was quite serious; and saw in it no laughing matter.
"No, dear," said the doctor when he had recovered; "to my infinitecredit be it recorded, that in all the years I have known it I havenever once kissed it."
"Dicky, don't tease! Oh, Boy, it is the most vital question of my wholelife; and if you do not now give me wise and thoughtful advice, allthis difficult confession will have been for nothing."
The doctor became grave immediately. He leaned forward and took thoseclasped hands between his.
"Dear," he said, "forgive me if I seemed to take it lightly. My mostearnest thought is wholly at your disposal. And now let me ask you afew questions. How did you ever succeed in convincing Dalmain that sucha thing as this was an insuperable obstacle to your marriage?"
"I did not give it as a reason."
"What then did you give as your reason for refusing him?"
"I asked him how old he was."
"Jane! Standing there beside him in the chancel, where he had comeawaiting your answer?"
"Yes. It did seem awful when I came to think it over afterwards. But itworked."
"I have no doubt it worked. What then?"
"He said he was twenty-seven. I said I was thirty, and lookedthirty-five, and felt forty. I also said he might be twenty-seven, buthe looked nineteen, and I was sure he often felt nine."
"Well?"
"Then I said that I could not marry a mere boy."
"And he acquiesced?"
"He seemed stunned at first. Then he said of course I could not marryhim if I considered him that. He said it was the first time he hadgiven a thought to himself in the matter. Then he said he bowed to mydecision, and he walked down the church and went out, and we have notmet since."
"Jane," said the doctor, "I wonder he did not see through it. You areso unused to lying, that you cannot have lied, on the chancel step, tothe man you loved, with much conviction."
A dull red crept up beneath Jane's tan.
"Oh, Deryck, it was not entirely a lie. It was one of those dreadfullies which are 'part a truth,' of which Tennyson says that they are 'aharder matter to fight.'"
"'A lie which is all a lie May be met and fought with outright; But a lie which is part a truth Is a harder matter to fight,'"
quoted the doctor.
"Yes," said Jane. "And he could not fight this, just because it waspartly true. He is younger than I by three years, and still more bytemperament. It was partly for his delightful youthfulness that Ifeared my maturity and staidness. It was part a truth, but oh, Deryck,it was more a lie; and it was altogether a lie to call him--the manwhom I had felt complete master of me the evening before--'a mere boy.'Also he could not fight it because it took him so utterly by surprise.He had been all the time as completely without self-consciousness, as Ihad been morbidly full of it. His whole thought had been of me. Minehad been of him and--of myself."
"Jane," said the doctor, "of all that you have suffered since thathour, you deserved every pang."
Jane bent her head. "I know," she said.
"You were false to yourself, and not true to your lover. You robbed anddefrauded both. Cannot you now see your mistake? To take it on thelowest ground, Dalmain, worshipper of beauty as he was, had had asurfeit of pretty faces. He was like the confectioner's boy who whenfirst engaged is allowed to eat all the cakes and sweets he likes, andwho eats so many in the first week, that ever after he wants only plainbread-and-butter. YOU were Dal's bread-and-butter. I am sorry if you donot like the simile."
Jane smiled. "I do like the simile," she said.
"Ah, but you were far more than this, my dear girl. You were his idealof womanhood. He believed in your strength and tenderness, yourgraciousness and truth. You shattered this ideal; you failed this faithin you. His fanciful, artistic, eclectic nature with all its unusedpossibilities of faithful and passionate devotion, had found its havenin your love; and in twelve hours you turned it adrift. Jane--it was acrime. The magnificent strength of the fellow is shown by the way hetook it. His progress in his art was not arrested. All his best workhas been done since. He has made no bad mad marriage, in mockery of hisown pain; and no grand loveless one, to spite you. He might have doneboth--I mean either. And when I realise that the poor fellow I was withyesterday--making such a brave fight in the dark, and turning his headon the pillow to say with a gleam of hope on his drawn face: `WhereThou art Guide, no ill can come'--had already been put through all thisby you--Jane, if you were a man, I'd horsewhip you!" said the doctor.
Jane squared her shoulders and lifted her head with more of her oldspirit than she had yet shown.
"You have lashed me well, Boy," she said, "as only words spoken infaithful indignation can lash. And I feel the better for the pain.--And now I think I ought to tell you that while I was on the top of theGreat Pyramid I suddenly saw the matter from a different standpoint.You remember that view, with its sharp line of demarcation? On one sidethe river, and verdure, vegetation, fruitfulness, a veritable 'gardenenclosed'; on the other, vast space as far as the eye could reach;golden liberty, away to the horizon, but no sign of vegetation, no hopeof cultivation, just barren, arid, loneliness. I felt this was an exactpicture of my life as I live it now. Garth's love, flowing through it,as the river, could have made it a veritable 'garden of the Lord.' Itwould have meant less liberty, but it would also have meant noloneliness. And, after all, the liberty to live for self alone becomesin time a weary bondage. Then I realised that I had condemned him alsoto this hard desert life. I came down and took counsel of the oldSphinx. Those calm, wise eyes, looking on into futurity, seemed to say:'They only live who love.' That evening I resolved to give up the Niletrip, return home immediately, send for Garth, admit all to him, askinghim to let us both begin again just where we were three years ago inthe moonlight on the terrace at Shenstone. Ten minutes after I hadformed this decision, I heard of his accident."
The doctor shaded his face with his hand. "The wheels of time," he saidin a low voice, "move forward--always; backward, never."
"Oh, Deryck," cried Jane, "sometimes they do. You and Flower know thatsometimes they do."
The doctor smiled sadly and very tenderly. "I know," he said, "thatthere is always one exception which proves every rule." Then he addedquickly: "But, unquestionably, it helps to mend matters, so far as yourown mental attitude is concerned, that before you knew of Dalmain'sblindness you should have admitted yourself wrong, and made up yourmind to trust him."
"I don't know that I was altogether clear about having been wrong,"said Jane, "but I was quite convinced that I couldn't live any longerwithout him, and was therefore prepared to risk it. And of course now,all doubt or need to question is swept away by my poor boy's accident,which simplifies matters, where that particular point is concerned."
The doctor looked at Jane with a sudden raising of his level brows."Simplifies matters?" he said.
Then, as Jane, apparently satisfied with the expression, did notattempt to qualify it, he rose and stirred the fire; standing over itfor a few moments in silent thought. When he sat down again, his voicewas very quiet, but there was an alertness about his expression whichroused J
ane. She felt that the crisis of their conversation had beenreached.
"And now, my dear Jeanette," said the doctor, "suppose you tell me whatyou intend doing."
"Doing?" said Jane. "Why, of course, I shall go straight to Garth. Ionly want you to advise me how best to let him know I am coming, andwhether it is safe for him to have the emotion of my arrival. Also Idon't want to risk being kept from him by doctors or nurses. My placeis by his side. I ask no better thing of life than to be always besidehim. But sick-room attendants are apt to be pig-headed; and a fussunder these circumstances would be unbearable. A wire from you willmake all clear."
"I see," said the doctor slowly. "Yes, a wire from me will undoubtedlyopen a way for you to Garth Dalmain's bedside. And, arrived there, whatthen?"
A smile of ineffable tenderness parted Jane's lips. The doctor saw it,but turned away immediately. It was not for him, or for any man, to seethat look. The eyes which should have seen it were sightless evermore.
"What then, Deryck? Love will know best what then. All barriers will beswept away, and Garth and I will be together."
The doctor's finger-tips met very exactly before he spoke again; andwhen he did speak, his tone was very level and very kind.
"Ah, Jane," he said, "that is the woman's point of view. It iscertainly the simplest, and perhaps the best. But at Garth's bedsideyou will be confronted with the man's point of view; and I should befailing the trust you have placed in me did I not put that before younow.--From the man's point of view, your own mistaken action threeyears ago has placed you now in an almost impossible position. If yougo to Garth with the simple offer of your love--the treasure he askedthree years ago and failed to win--he will naturally conclude the lovenow given is mainly pity; and Garth Dalmain is not the man to becontent with pity, where he has thought to win love, and failed. Norwould he allow any woman--least of all his crown of womanhood--to tieherself to his blindness unless he were sure such binding was herdeepest joy. And how could you expect him to believe this in face ofthe fact that, when he was all a woman's heart could desire, yourefused him and sent him from you?--If, on the other hand, you explain,as no doubt you intend to do, the reason of that refusal, he can butsay one thing: 'You could not trust me to be faithful when I had mysight. Blind, you come to me, when it is no longer in my power to provemy fidelity. There is no virtue in necessity. I can never feel Ipossess your trust, because you come to me only when accident has putit out of my power either to do the thing you feared, or to provemyself better than your doubts.' My dear girl, that is how mattersstand from the man's point of view; from his, I make no doubt, evenmore than from mine; for I recognise in Garth Dalmain a stronger manthan myself. Had it been I that day in the church, wanting you as hedid, I should have grovelled at your feet and promised to grow up.Garth Dalmain had the iron strength to turn and go, without a protest,when the woman who had owned him mate the evening before, refused himon the score of inadequacy the next morning. I fear there is noquestion of the view he would take of the situation as it now stands."
Jane's pale, startled face went to the doctor's heart.
"But Deryck--he--loves--"
"Just because he loves, my poor old girl, where you are concerned hecould never be content with less than the best."
"Oh, Boy, help me! Find a way! Tell me what to do!" Despair was inJane's eyes.
The doctor considered long, in silence. At last he said: "I see onlyone way out. If Dal could somehow be brought to realise your point ofview at that time as a possible one, without knowing it had actuallybeen the cause of your refusal of him, and could have the chance toexpress himself clearly on the subject--to me, for instance--in a waywhich might reach you without being meant to reach you, it might putyou in a better position toward him. But it would be difficult tomanage. If you could be in close contact with his mind, constantly nearhim unseen--ah, poor chap, that is easy now--I mean unknown to him; if,for instance, you could be in the shoes of this nurse-companion personI am sending him, and get at his mind on the matter; so that he couldfeel when you eventually made your confession, he had already justifiedhimself to you, and thus gone behind his blindness, as it were."
Jane bounded in her chair. "Deryck, I have it! Oh, send ME as hisnurse-companion! He would never dream it was I. It is three years sincehe heard my voice, and he thinks me in Egypt. The society column in allthe papers, a few weeks ago, mentioned me as wintering in Egypt andSyria and remaining abroad until May. Not a soul knows I have comehome. You are the best judge as to whether I have had training andexperience; and all through the war our work was fully as much mentaland spiritual, as surgical. It was not up to much otherwise. Oh, Dicky,you could safely recommend me; and I still have my uniforms stowed awayin case of need. I could be ready in twenty-four hours, and I would goas Sister--anything, and eat in the kitchen if necessary."
"But, my dear girl," said the doctor quietly, "you could not go asSister Anything, unfortunately. You could only go as Nurse RosemaryGray; for I engaged her this morning, and posted a full and explicitaccount of her to Dr. Mackenzie, which he will read, to our patient. Inever take a case from one nurse and give it to another, excepting forincompetency. And Nurse Rosemary Gray could more easily fly, than proveincompetent. She will not be required to eat in the kitchen. She is agentlewoman, and will be treated as such. I wish indeed you could be inher shoes, though I doubt whether you could have carried itthrough--And now I have something to tell you. Just before I left him,Dalmain asked after you. He sandwiched you most carefully in betweenthe duchess and Flower; but he could not keep the blood out of his thincheeks, and he gripped the bedclothes in his effort to keep his voicesteady. He asked where you were. I said, I believed, in Egypt. When youwere coming home. I told him I had heard you intended returning toJerusalem for Easter, and I supposed we might expect you home at theend of April or early in May. He inquired how you were. I replied thatyou were not a good correspondent, but I gathered from occasionalcables and post-cards that you were very fit and having a good time. Ithen volunteered the statement that it was I who had sent you abroadbecause you were going all to pieces. He made a quick movement with hishand as if he would have struck me for using the expression. Then hesaid: 'Going to pieces? SHE!' in a tone of most utter contempt for meand my opinions. Then he hastily made minute inquiries for Flower. Hehad already asked about the duchess all the questions he intendedasking about you. When he had ascertained that Flower was at home andwell, and had sent him her affectionate sympathy, he begged me toglance through a pile of letters which were waiting until he felt ableto have them read to him, and to tell him any of the handwritings knownto me. All the world seemed to have sent him letters of sympathy, poorchap. I told him a dozen or so of the names I knew,--a royalhandwriting among them. He asked whether there were any from abroad.There were two or three. I knew them all, and named them. He could notbear to hear any of them read; even the royal letter remained unopened,though he asked to have it in his hand, and fingered the tiny crimsoncrown. Then he asked. 'Is there one from the duchess?' There was. Hewished to hear that one, so I opened and read it. It was verycharacteristic of her Grace; full of kindly sympathy, heartily yettactfully expressed. Half-way through she said: 'Jane will be upset. Ishall write and tell her next time she sends me an address. At presentI have no idea in which quarter of the globe my dear niece is to befound. Last time I heard of her she seemed in a fair way towardsmarrying a little Jap and settling in Japan. Not a bad idea, my dearDal, is it? Though, if Japan is at all like the paper screens, I don'tknow where in that Liliputian country they will find a house, or ahusband, or a what-do-you-call-'em thing they ride in, solid enough forour good Jane!' With intuitive tact of a very high order, I omittedthis entire passage about marrying the Jap. When your aunt's letter wasfinished, he asked point blank whether there was one from you. I saidNo, but that it was unlikely the news had reached you, and I felt sureyou would write when it did. So I hope you will, dear; and NurseRosemary Gray will have instructions to read all his letters to him.
"
"Oh, Deryck," said Jane brokenly, "I can't bear it! I must go to him!"
The telephone bell on the doctor's table whirred sharply. He went overand took up the receiver.
"Hullo! ... Yes, it is Dr. Brand.... Who is speaking? ... Oh, isit you, Matron?"--Jane felt quite sorry the matron could not see thedoctor's charming smile into the telephone.--"Yes? What name did yousay? ... Undoubtedly. This morning; quite definitely. A mostimportant case. She is to call and see me to-night ... What? ...Mistake on register? Ah, I see ... Gone where? ... Where? ...Spell it, please ... Australia! Oh, quite out of reach! ... Yes, Iheard he was ordered there ... Never mind, Matron. You are in no wayto blame ... Thanks, I think not. I have some one in view ... Yes....Yes.... No doubt she might do ... I will let you know if Ishould require her ... Good-bye, Matron, and thank you."
The doctor hung up the receiver. Then he turned to Jane; a slow,half-doubtful smile gathering on his lips.
"Jeanette," he said, "I do not believe in chance. But I do believe in aHigher Control, which makes and unmakes our plans. You shall go."
The Rosary Page 17
