CHAPTER XXVI
HEARTS MEET IN SIGHTLESS LAND
"It will be absolutely impossible, Miss Gray, for me ever to tell youwhat I think of this that you have done for my sake."
Garth stood at the open library window. The morning sunlight pouredinto the room. The air was fragrant with the scent of flowers, resonantwith the songs of birds. As he stood there in the sunshine, a new lookof strength and hopefulness was apparent in every line of his erectfigure. He held out eager hands towards Nurse Rosemary, but more as anexpression of the outgoing of his appreciation and gratitude than withany expectation of responsive hands being placed within them.
"And here was I, picturing you having a gay weekend, and wonderingwhere, and who your friends in this neighbourhood could be. And all thewhile you were sitting blindfold in the room over my head. Ah, thegoodness of it is beyond words! But did you not feel somewhat of adeceiver, Miss Gray?"
She always felt that--poor Jane. So she readily answered: "Yes. And yetI told you I was not going far. And my friends in the neighbourhoodwere Simpson and Margery, who aided and abetted. And it was true to sayI was going, for was I not going into darkness? and it is a differentworld from the land of light."
"Ah, how true that is!" cried Garth. "And how difficult to make peopleunderstand the loneliness of it, and how they seem suddenly to arriveclose to one from another world; stooping from some distant planet,with sympathetic voice and friendly touch; and then away they go toanother sphere, leaving one to the immensity of solitude in SightlessLand."
"Yes," agreed Nurse Rosemary, "and you almost dread the coming, becausethe going makes the darkness darker, and the loneliness more lonely."
"Ah, so YOU experienced that?" said Garth. "Do you know, now you haveweek-ended in Sightless Land, I shall not feel it such a place ofsolitude. At every turn I shall be able to say:--'A dear and faithfulfriend has been here.'"
He laughed a laugh of such almost boyish pleasure, that all the motherin Jane's love rose up and demanded of her one supreme effort. Shelooked at the slight figure in white flannels, leaning against thewindow frame, so manly, so beautiful still, and yet so helpless and soneeding the wealth of tenderness which was hers to give. Then, standingfacing him, she opened her arms, as if the great preparedness of thatplace of rest, so close to him must, magnet-like, draw him to her; andstanding thus in the sunlight, Jane spoke.
Was she beautiful? Was she paintable? Would a man grow weary of such alook turned on him, of such arms held out? Alas! Too late! On thatpoint no lover shall ever be able to pass judgment. That look is forone man alone. He only will ever bring it to that loving face. And hecannot pronounce upon its beauty in voice of rapturous content. Hecannot judge. He cannot see. He is blind!
"Mr. Dalmain, there are many smaller details; but before we talk ofthose I want to tell you the greatest of all the lessons I learned inSightless Land." Then, conscious that her emotion was producing in hervoice a resonant depth which might remind him too vividly of notes inThe Rosary, she paused, and resumed in the high, soft edition of herown voice which it had become second nature to her to use as NurseRosemary: "Mr. Dalmain, it seems to me I learned to understand how thatwhich is loneliness unspeakable to ONE might be Paradise of a veryperfect kind for TWO. I realised that there might be circumstances inwhich the dark would become a very wonderful meeting-place for souls.If I loved a man who lost his sight, I should be glad to have mine inorder to be eyes for him when eyes were needed; just as, were I richand he poor, I should value my money simply as a thing which might beuseful to him. But I know the daylight would often be a trial to me,because it would be something he could not share; and when eveningcame, I should long to say: 'Let us put out the lights and shut awaythe moonlight and sit together in the sweet soft darkness, which ismore uniting than the light.'"
While Jane was speaking, Garth paled as he listened, and his face grewstrangely set. Then, as if under a reaction of feeling, a boyish flushspread to the very roots of his hair. He visibly shrank from the voicewhich was saying these things to him. He fumbled with his right handfor the orange cord which would guide him to his chair.
"Nurse Rosemary," he said, and at the tone of his voice Jane'soutstretched arms dropped to her sides; "it is kind of you to tell meall these beautiful thoughts which came to you in the darkness. But Ihope the man who is happy enough to possess your love, or who is goingto be fortunate enough to win it, will neither be so unhappy nor sounfortunate as to lose his sight. It will be better for him to livewith you in the light, than to be called upon to prove the kind way inwhich you would be willing to adapt yourself to his darkness. How aboutopening our letters?" He slipped his hand along the orange cord andwalked over to his chair.
Then, with a sense of unutterable dismay, Jane saw what she had done.She had completely forgotten Nurse Rosemary, using her only as a meansof awakening in Garth an understanding of how much her--Jane's--lovemight mean to him in his blindness. She had forgotten that, to Garth,Nurse Rosemary's was the only personality which counted in thisconversation; she, who had just given him such a proof of her interestand devotion. And--O poor dear Garth! O bold, brazen NurseRosemary!--he very naturally concluded she was making love to him. Janefelt herself between Scylla and Charybdis, and she took a very promptand characteristic plunge.
She came across to her place on the other side of the small table andsat down. "I believe it was the thought of him made me realise this,"she said; "but just now I and my young man have fallen out. He does noteven know I am here."
Garth unbent at once, and again that boyish heightening of colourindicated his sense of shame at what he had imagined.
"Ah, Miss Gray," he said eagerly, "you will not think it impertinent orintrusive on my part, but do you know I have wondered sometimes whetherthere was a happy man."
Nurse Rosemary laughed. "Well, we can't call him a happy man just now,"she said, "so far as his thoughts of me are concerned. My whole heartis his, if he could only be brought to believe it. But amisunderstanding has grown up between us,--my fault entirely,--and hewill not allow me to put it right."
"What a fool!" cried Garth. "Are you and he engaged?"
Nurse Rosemary hesitated. "Well--not exactly engaged," she said,"though it practically amounts to that. Neither of us would give athought to any one else."
Garth knew there was a class of people whose preliminary step tomarriage was called "keeping company," a stage above the housemaid's"walking out," both expressions being exactly descriptive of thecircumstances of the case; for, whereas pretty Phyllis and her swain gowalking out of an evening in byways and between hedges, or alongpavements and into the parks,--these keep each other company in theparlours and arbours of their respective friends and relations. Yet,somehow, Garth had never thought of Nurse Rosemary as belonging to anyother class than his own. Perhaps this ass of a fellow, whom he alreadycordially disliked, came of a lower stratum; or perhaps the rules ofher nursing guild forbade a definite engagement, but allowed "anunderstanding." Anyway the fact remained that the kind-hearted, clever,delightful little lady, who had done so much for him, had "a young man"of her own; and this admitted fact lifted a weight from Garth's mind.He had been so afraid lately of not being quite honest with her andwith himself. She had become so necessary to him, nay, so essential,and by her skill and devotion had won so deep a place in his gratitude.Their relation was of so intimate a nature, their companionship soclose and continuous; and into this rather ideal state of things hadheavily trodden Dr. Rob the other day with a suggestion. Garth, alonewith him, bad been explaining how indispensable Miss Gray had become tohis happiness and comfort, and how much he dreaded a recall from hermatron.
"I fear they do not let them go on indefinitely at one case; butperhaps Sir Deryck can arrange that this should be an exception," saidGarth.
"Oh, hang the matron, and blow Sir Deryck," said Dr. Rob breezily. "Ifyou want her as a permanency, make sure of her. Marry her, my boy! I'llwarrant she'd have you!"
Thus trod Dr. Rob, wit
h heavily nailed boots, upon the bare toes of adelicate situation.
Garth tried to put the suggestion out of his mind and failed. He beganto notice thoughts and plans of Nurse Rosemary's for his benefit, whichso far exceeded her professional duties that it seemed as if there mustbe behind them the promptings of a more tender interest. He put thethought away again and again, calling Dr. Rob an old fool, and himselfa conceited ass. But again and again there came about him, with NurseRosemary's presence, the subtile surrounding atmosphere of a watchfullove.
Then, one night, he faced and fought a great temptation.
After all why should he not do as Dr. Rob suggested? Why not marry thischarming, capable, devoted nurse, and have her constantly about him inhis blindness? SHE did not consider him "a mere boy." ... What had heto offer her? A beautiful home, every luxury, abundant wealth, acompanionship she seemed to find congenial ... But then the Tempteroverreached himself, for he whispered: "And the voice would be alwaysJane's. You have never seen the nurse's face; you never will see it.You can go on putting to the voice the face and form you adore. You canmarry the little nurse, and go on loving Jane." ... Then Garth criedout in horror: "Avaunt, Satan!" and the battle was won.
But it troubled his mind lest by any chance her peace of heart shouldbe disturbed through him. So it was with relief, and yet with anunreasonable smouldering jealousy, that he heard of the young man towhom she was devoted. And now it appeared she was unhappy through heryoung man, just as he was unhappy through--no, because of--Jane.
A sudden impulse came over him to do away forever with the thoughtwhich in his own mind had lately come between them, and to establishtheir intimacy on an even closer and firmer basis, by being absolutelyfrank with her on the matter.
"Miss Gray," he said, leaning towards her with that delightful smile ofboyish candour which many women had found irresistible, "it is good ofyou to have told me about yourself; and, although I confess to feelingunreasonably jealous of the fortunate fellow who possesses your wholeheart, I am glad he exists, because we all miss something unless wehave in our lives the wonderful experience of the One Woman or the OneMan. And I want to tell you something, dear sweet friend of mine, whichclosely touches you and me; only, before I do so, put your hand inmine, that I may realise you in a closer intimacy than heretofore. You,who have been in Sightless Land, know how much a hand clasp means downhere."
Garth stretched his hand across the table, and his whole attitude wastense with expectation.
"I cannot do that, Mr. Dalmain," said Nurse Rosemary, in a voice whichshook a little. "I have burned my hands. Oh, not seriously. Do not lookso distressed. Just a lighted match. Yes; while I was blind. Now tellme the thing which touches you and me."
Garth withdrew his hand and clasped both around his knee. He leanedback in his chair, his face turned upwards. There was upon it anexpression so pure, the exaltation of a spirit so lifted above thetemptations of the lower nature, that Jane's eyes filled with tears asshe looked at him. She realised what his love for her, supplemented bythe discipline of suffering, had done for her lover.
He began to speak softly, not turning towards her. "Tell me," he said,"is he--very much to you?"
Jane's eyes could not leave the dear face and figure in the chair.Jane's emotion trembled in Nurse Rosemary's voice.
"He is all the world to me," she said.
"Does he love you as you deserve to be loved?"
Jane bent and laid her lips on the table where his outstretched handhad rested. Then Nurse Rosemary answered: "He loved me far, FAR morethan I ever deserved."
"Why do you say 'loved'? Is not 'loves' the truer tense?"
"Alas, no!" said Nurse Rosemary, brokenly; "for I fear I have lost hislove by my own mistrust of it and my own wrong-doing."
"Never!" said Garth. "'Love never faileth.' It may for a time appear tobe dead, even buried. But the Easter morn soon dawns, and lo, Loveariseth! Love grieved, is like a bird with wet wings. It cannot fly; itcannot rise. It hops about upon the ground, chirping anxiously. Butevery flutter shakes away more drops; every moment in the sunshine isdrying the tiny feathers; and very soon it soars to the tree top, allthe better for the bath, which seemed to have robbed it of the power torise."
"Ah,--if my beloved could but dry his wings," murmured Nurse Rosemary."But I fear I did more than wet them. I clipped them. Worse still,--Ibroke them."
"Does he know you feel yourself so in the wrong?" Garth asked thequestion very gently.
"No," replied Nurse Rosemary. "He will give me no chance to explain,and no opportunity to tell him how he wrongs himself and me by the viewhe now takes of my conduct."
"Poor girl!" said Garth in tones of sympathy and comprehension. "My ownexperience has been such a tragedy that I can feel for those whosecourse of true love does not run smooth. But take my advice, Miss Gray.Write him a full confession. Keep nothing back. Tell him just how itall happened. Any man who truly loves would believe, accept yourexplanation, and be thankful. Only, I hope he would not come tearing uphere and take you away from me!"
Jane smiled through a mist of tears.
"If he wanted me, Mr. Dalmain, I should have to go to him," said NurseRosemary.
"How I dread the day," continued Garth, "when you will come and say tome: 'I have to go.' And, do you know, I have sometimes thought--youhave done so much for me and become so much to me--I have sometimesthought--I can tell you frankly now--it might have seemed as if therewere a very obvious way to try to keep you always. You are so immenselyworthy of all a man could offer, of all the devotion a man could give.And because, to one so worthy, I never could have offered less than thebest, I want to tell you that in my heart I hold shrined forever onebeloved face. All others are gradually fading. Now, in my blindness, Ican hardly recall clearly the many lovely faces I have painted andadmired. All are more or less blurred and indistinct. But this one facegrows clearer, thank God, as the darkness deepens. It will be with methrough life, I shall see it in death, THE FACE OF THE WOMAN I LOVE.You said 'loved' of your lover, hesitating to be sure of his presentstate of heart. I can neither say 'love' nor 'loved' of my beloved. Shenever loved me. But I love her with a love which makes it impossiblefor me to have any 'best' to offer to another woman. If I could bringmyself, from unworthy motives and selfish desires, to ask another towed me, I should do her an untold wrong. For her unseen face would benothing to me; always that one and only face would be shining in mydarkness. Her voice would be dear, only in so far as it reminded me ofthe voice of the woman I love. Dear friend, if you ever pray for me,pray that I may never be so base as to offer to any woman such a huskas marriage with me would mean."
"But--" said Nurse Rosemary. "She--she who has made it a husk forothers; she who might have the finest of the wheat, the full corn inthe ear, herself?"
"She," said Garth, "has refused it. It was neither fine enough nor fullenough. It was not worthy. O my God, little girl--! What it means, toappear inadequate to the woman one loves!"
Garth dropped his face between his hands with a groan.
Silence unbroken reigned in the library.
Suddenly Garth began to speak, low and quickly, without lifting hishead.
"Now," he said, "now I feel it, just as I told Brand, and never soclearly before, excepting once, when I was alone. Ah, Miss Gray! Don'tmove! Don't stir! But look all round the room and tell me whether yousee anything. Look at the window. Look at the door. Lean forward andlook behind the screen. I cannot believe we are alone. I will notbelieve it. I am being deceived in my blindness. And yet--I am NOTdeceived. I am conscious of the presence of the woman I love. Her eyesare fixed upon me in pity, sorrow, and compassion. Her grief at my woeis so great that it almost enfolds me, as I had dreamed her love woulddo ... O my God! She is so near--and it is so terrible, because I donot wish her near. I would sooner a thousand miles were between us--andI am certain there are not many yards! ... Is it psychic? or is itactual? or am I going mad? ... Miss Gray! YOU would not lie to me. Nopersuasion or bribery or c
onfounded chicanery could induce YOU todeceive me on this point. Look around, for God's sake, and tell me! Arewe alone? And if not, WHO IS IN THE ROOM besides you and me?"
Jane had been sitting with her arms folded upon the table, her yearningeyes fixed upon Garth's bowed head. When he wished her a thousand milesaway she buried her face upon them. She was so near him that had Garthstretched out his right hand again, it would have touched the heavycoils of her soft hair. But Garth did not raise his head, and Janestill sat with her face buried.
There was silence in the library for a few moments after Garth'squestion and appeal. Then Jane lifted her face.
"There is no one in the room, Mr. Dalmain," said Nurse Rosemary, "butYOU--and ME."
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