by Daniel Defoe
would not trusthim with whatever it was, especially if it was grievous and afflicting.The truth is, he ought to have been trusted with everything, for no manin the world could deserve better of a wife; but this was a thing Iknew not how to open to him, and yet having nobody to disclose any partof it to, the burthen was too heavy for my mind; for let them say whatthey please of our sex not being able to keep a secret, my life is aplain conviction to me of the contrary; but be it our sex, or the man'ssex, a secret of moment should always have a confidant, a bosom friend,to whom we may communicate the joy of it, or the grief of it, be itwhich it will, or it will be a double weight upon the spirits, andperhaps become even insupportable in itself; and this I appeal to allhuman testimony for the truth of.
And this is the cause why many times men as well as women, and men ofthe greatest and best qualities other ways, yet have found themselvesweak in this part, and have not been able to bear the weight of asecret joy or of a secret sorrow, but have been obliged to disclose it,even for the mere giving vent to themselves, and to unbend the mindoppressed with the load and weights which attended it. Nor was thisany token of folly or thoughtlessness at all, but a natural consequenceof the thing; and such people, had they struggled longer with theoppression, would certainly have told it in their sleep, and disclosedthe secret, let it have been of what fatal nature soever, withoutregard to the person to whom it might be exposed. This necessity ofnature is a thing which works sometimes with such vehemence in theminds of those who are guilty of any atrocious villainy, such as secretmurder in particular, that they have been obliged to discover it,though the consequence would necessarily be their own destruction.Now, though it may be true that the divine justice ought to have theglory of all those discoveries and confessions, yet 'tis as certainthat Providence, which ordinarily works by the hands of nature, makesuse here of the same natural causes to produce those extraordinaryeffects.
I could give several remarkable instances of this in my longconversation with crime and with criminals. I knew one fellow that,while I was in prison in Newgate, was one of those they called thennight-fliers. I know not what other word they may have understood itby since, but he was one who by connivance was admitted to go abroadevery evening, when he played his pranks, and furnished those honestpeople they call thief-catchers with business to find out the next day,and restore for a reward what they had stolen the evening before. Thisfellow was as sure to tell in his sleep all that he had done, and everystep he had taken, what he had stolen, and where, as sure as if he hadengaged to tell it waking, and that there was no harm or danger in it,and therefore he was obliged, after he had been out, to lock himselfup, or be locked up by some of the keepers that had him in fee, thatnobody should hear him; but, on the other hand, if he had told all theparticulars, and given a full account of his rambles and success, toany comrade, any brother thief, or to his employers, as I may justlycall them, then all was well with him, and he slept as quietly as otherpeople.
As the publishing this account of my life is for the sake of the justmoral of very part of it, and for instruction, caution, warning, andimprovement to every reader, so this will not pass, I hope, for anunnecessary digression concerning some people being obliged to disclosethe greatest secrets either of their own or other people's affairs.
Under the certain oppression of this weight upon my mind, I laboured inthe case I have been naming; and the only relief I found for it was tolet my husband into so much of it as I thought would convince him ofthe necessity there was for us to think of settling in some other partof the world; and the next consideration before us was, which part ofthe English settlements we should go to. My husband was a perfectstranger to the country, and had not yet so much as a geographicalknowledge of the situation of the several places; and I, that, till Iwrote this, did not know what the word geographical signified, had onlya general knowledge from long conversation with people that came fromor went to several places; but this I knew, that Maryland,Pennsylvania, East and West Jersey, New York, and New England lay allnorth of Virginia, and that they were consequently all colder climates,to which for that very reason, I had an aversion. For that as Inaturally loved warm weather, so now I grew into years I had a strongerinclination to shun a cold climate. I therefore considered of going toCaroline, which is the only southern colony of the English on thecontinent of America, and hither I proposed to go; and the ratherbecause I might with great ease come from thence at any time, when itmight be proper to inquire after my mother's effects, and to makemyself known enough to demand them.
With this resolution I proposed to my husband our going away from wherewe was, and carrying all our effects with us to Caroline, where weresolved to settle; for my husband readily agreed to the first part,viz. that was not at all proper to stay where we was, since I hadassured him we should be known there, and the rest I effectuallyconcealed from him.
But now I found a new difficulty upon me. The main affair grew heavyupon my mind still, and I could not think of going out of the countrywithout somehow or other making inquiry into the grand affair of whatmy mother had done for me; nor could I with any patience bear thethought of going away, and not make myself known to my old husband(brother), or to my child, his son; only I would fain have had thisdone without my new husband having any knowledge of it, or they havingany knowledge of him, or that I had such a thing as a husband.
I cast about innumerable ways in my thoughts how this might be done. Iwould gladly have sent my husband away to Caroline with all our goods,and have come after myself, but this was impracticable; he would neverstir without me, being himself perfectly unacquainted with the country,and with the methods of settling there or anywhere else. Then Ithought we would both go first with part of our goods, and that when wewere settled I should come back to Virginia and fetch the remainder;but even then I knew he would never part with me, and be left there togo on alone. The case was plain; he was bred a gentleman, and byconsequence was not only unacquainted, but indolent, and when we didsettle, would much rather go out into the woods with his gun, whichthey call there hunting, and which is the ordinary work of the Indians,and which they do as servants; I say, he would rather do that thanattend the natural business of his plantation.
These were therefore difficulties insurmountable, and such as I knewnot what to do in. I had such strong impressions on my mind aboutdiscovering myself to my brother, formerly my husband, that I could notwithstand them; and the rather, because it ran constantly in mythoughts, that if I did not do it while he lived, I might in vainendeavour to convince my son afterward that I was really the sameperson, and that I was his mother, and so might both lose theassistance and comfort of the relation, and the benefit of whatever itwas my mother had left me; and yet, on the other hand, I could neverthink it proper to discover myself to them in the circumstances I wasin, as well relating to the having a husband with me as to my beingbrought over by a legal transportation as a criminal; on both whichaccounts it was absolutely necessary to me to remove from the placewhere I was, and come again to him, as from another place and inanother figure.
Upon those considerations, I went on with telling my husband theabsolute necessity there was of our not settling in Potomac River, atleast that we should be presently made public there; whereas if we wentto any other place in the world, we should come in with as muchreputation as any family that came to plant; that, as it was alwaysagreeable to the inhabitants to have families come among them to plant,who brought substance with them, either to purchase plantations orbegin new ones, so we should be sure of a kind, agreeable reception,and that without any possibility of a discovery of our circumstances.
I told him in general, too, that as I had several relations in theplace where we were, and that I durst not now let myself be known tothem, because they would soon come into a knowledge of the occasion andreason of my coming over, which would be to expose myself to the lastdegree, so I had reason to believe that my mother, who died here, hadleft me something, and perhaps considerable, which it might be v
erywell worth my while to inquire after; but that this too could not bedone without exposing us publicly, unless we went from hence; and then,wherever we settled, I might come, as it were, to visit and to see mybrother and nephews, make myself known to them, claim and inquire afterwhat was my due, be received with respect, and at the same time havejustice done me with cheerfulness and good will; whereas, if I did itnow, I could expect nothing but with trouble, such as exacting it byforce, receiving it with curses and reluctance, and with all kinds ofaffronts, which he would not perhaps bear to see; that in case of beingobliged to legal proofs of being really her daughter, I might be atloss, be obliged to have recourse to England, and it may be to fail atlast, and so lose it, whatever it might be. With these arguments, andhaving thus acquainted my husband with the whole secret so far as wasneedful of him, we resolved to go and seek a settlement in some othercolony, and at first thoughts, Caroline was the place we pitched
