by S. I. Hayes
“I know the address, but was they guy- I fish into my wallet and pull out our engagement photo. “Did he look like this?”
He snorts. “Yeah, maybe when you knew him. That guy’s gone, guy, I got-looked a few meals shorter and a whole lot higher.”
“You wouldn’t know where he is?”
“Last I saw him; he was panhandling, among other things, down Southside.”
“Southside?” I repeat. “Thank you.”
He looks at his phone. “Thank you.”
***
It takes me about an hour of searching before I decide that I’m going to have to have to venture out on foot. Parking, I wrap my coat around me, and with my photo in my hand, I start to show it to people. No one, of course, has seen Cal. It starts to get dark. Cooler and the vagrants start to migrate toward the underpasses. I too head that way, hoping a bit of money and food might bring them around. I bought pizzas, fifteen of them and two cases of Miller Lite.
Each person that comes up to get something I show the picture to, heads shake no. Then one lady pulls me aside.
“That’s Calvin.”
“Y-Yes,” I say tears in my eyes.
“You’re Kaycee? The one he talks about.”
I nod.
“She left him here. Tossed him out of the car, shivering and broken.”
“Who? Where is he?”
“He had been here but got sick. Took him to UPenn Hospital a few days ago. He’s probably still there.”
“Thank you.” I hug her and sprint for the Santa Fe.
Chapter 45
Calvin
I linger. In and out of consciousness. I don’t really know where I am. I know it’s warm, and the bed is softer than the mattress I had been sleeping on. The light hurts my eyes. My mouth is dry; I hurt all over. I just need to sleep.
I dream about Kaycee. Imagine she’s here. Hear her voice. Hear Grandpa Compton and a baby too. That’s not right. They left me. Or made me leave them. Either way, they’re gone, and I’m alone. This pain wracks me, and I need to get up. I try but find I’m strapped in.
“Let me up!” I scream only to be helped down. Sedated? Ahh, sweet oblivion. I’m in a hospital. Good drugs.
Feeling a cool cloth on my head, I open my eyes to a dim room and beautiful bird blue eyes. I swallow, feeling the tears well up in my dry eyes. “Kayce?” I manage to croak. She’s got her hair tied up in an all-over bun. She looks tired, stressed. Her hand glides over my forehead with the cool rag.
“I’m here.” She whispers. “Do you know where you are?”
“Hospital?” I try getting up, but I’m still strapped down. “Why?”
“You’ve been withdrawing, got violent. They had to strap you down for everyone’s safety.” She looks down at my hand as it fishes for hers, she steps back slightly. “I’ll get the doctors.”
“Kayce?” I call after her, but I have no volume. As she walks briskly away, I feel a dark shadow descend on me.
“You finally hit bottom, kid.” Grandpa Compton says next to my ear. “The only way left to go is up.”
I nod. “I’m so-sorry.”
His hand clasps my shoulder. “It’s alright, boy. You’re gonna get help. If you want it.”
“I want her.”
“It can’t be promised.”
“I know.”
“She’s still in love with you, hasn’t left your side in two weeks.”
“Two?”
The doctor comes in, and the orderlies are with him. “Good evening, Mister McLane. It’s nice to see you awake, and coherent. It’s been a struggle, but here you are.”
“Can we maybe get these off me?”
“Oh, sure, sure. Just a moment.”
The orderlies remove my restraints, and I am assisted to sit up. They explain to me that I presented as an overdose, with multiple fractures to my right hand, a radial fracture to my right arm, and a dislocated collarbone.
***
“I vaguely remember what happened. It was humiliating. Having to explain to the doctors and the police officers, that I was using. That the people, Walter Bradley and Brynn Kohl, my ex-manager at Verizon who were my suppliers, beat me up and robbed me. I had to own up to the panhandling, the sex trading, all of it. I had to watch as the love of my life took in what I’d done. Watch the disgust, and disappointment cross her face. I lost her in those moments.” I trail off seeing the tears in the faces of the other Narcotics Anonymous members. “Anyhow, I got out of the hospital and into a meeting. Today makes six months. Six months clean and serene as they say.” They clap, I lower my head humbled. “I couldn’t do it if I didn’t fall. I had to scrape the bottom, but Grandpa Compton was right, there’s only one way to go from there, and that’s up. Every day I take a step. You can too. It works, keep coming back. Thank you.”
I pocket my little plastic chip and sit back down. It’s almost three-thirty. Almost time for my supervised visit with Calvin. It took a lot of work, but Kaycee has finally agreed to allow me to see him. I’ve missed so much. Lost the trust I took years to gain. My own fault, of course, but I’m prepared to put in the work to get it back.
Chapter 46
Kaycee
The doorbell rings. I’m a nervous wreck. Cal hasn’t been in the house with me since the night before our wedding. We’re still married. Technically. Mom said I should have filed for an annulment, but I can’t. I just-can't. He’s the father of my child, the only man I ever wanted to call husband. I promised him forever. Right now, it’s just; we’re in need of a little tune-up. We said until the wheels fell off, well we sorta forgot to put the chains on them, hit the black ice, and landed in a ditch. Of course, my mother’s meddling didn’t help. It hurt to know that she sent him away, that she was the reason he was gone so long without a word. I was angry, but still, it had to be done.
I open the door and there he stands. Just a little over a year, since we were first together in my mom’s house, in our little fort. The safe place he made for us, the night the first promises were made. He looks good, healthy. Hair clipped short, face cleanly shaven. It makes him look older somehow. He smiles, meekly at me. “Hi.”
“Hey.” I open the door. “You wanna come in?”
He nods, and I can’t help but watch his ass in those fitted jeans as he walks by me. I feel the old familiar feelings creep up my spine. Pushing it down, I close the door.
“Everything’s the same.” He looks around.
“No reason to change it.” I pick up a couple of toys from the floor. “Calvin’s in the nursery. He’s still napping, did you want a cup of coffee?”
“Decafe?”
“Um- no. I may have- I got herbal tea? That’s decaffeinated.”
“Okay.” He nods, following me into the kitchen.
“When did you stop drinking coffee?” I ask, taking down the teapot and blowing the dust off it with a chuckle. “It may need a rinse.”
“No stimulants of any kind, not anymore. No caffeine, very little processed sugars, hell I hardly even eat chocolate, now.”
“I’d die.”
“I almost did.” He answers quietly and looks at the floor.
“I’m sorry-”
“Don’t you apologize to me, not ever. You didn’t do anything. You didn’t offer me the drugs or take them for me. I did that. I chose my path. I thought I could control it. Control my surroundings. In the end, all I managed to do was destroy the one thing that mattered to me. I know we’ll never be the same.”
“There’s no going back. That’s very true, Cal. Though, maybe, there’s a way to go forward? Let’s see how these visits go. Okay?”
He nods, as the whistle on the pot blows I hear Calvin coo through the monitor. Cal is at the dining room table with Stetson, Abby and Titan are at his feet. Cletus and Kerry, my two newest additions to the family, watch him; they are a pair of Newfoundland mixes. Huge and shy, they take time to warm up to people, but they love the little chub.
“Can I go get him?” He asks
me, and I nod. The dogs follow him, glued to him. Guess they miss him too.
I listen through the monitor as Cal engages his son.
“Hey there. I’m your daddy.”
“Ma-ma-” Calvin is starting to talk but only just. I hear him fuss, then settle. I’m guessing Cal picked him up.
“You need a diaper, huh? Okay. Well, let’s see where that is.”
This should be amusing. I head upstairs to observe.
Cal is with us for about two hours. Any more and I may have not let him leave. He’s good with Calvin. Sweet, sitting on the floor with him. Engaging him, talking to him, not at him. Somebody’s read a few books. He kisses Calvin goodbye, and we have an awkward exchange, I have Calvin in my arms to keep his daddy at length. As soon as he’s out the door, I shut and lock it before bursting into tears.
***
“He’s just been so good with him,” I say to Micha. We’ve been in touch a lot since the split, and he’s been my rock. My safe place. Someone I could talk to who wouldn’t judge me. He may be a kid, but he’s wise beyond his years.
“You still love him?”
“With all of me and more.”
“Does he know that?”
“I haven’t not told him.”
“Sheesh woman, you can’t fix it if you don’t talk about it.”
“I just don’t know that I can trust in him again. He’s back in school, working, volunteering. How would he cope with us too? It was having too much that put him in the spot to do the drugs. I don’t want to tip his scale again.”
“Girl, you need to take the leap, or you need to let him go. It’s your choice, but it’s not fair to either of you to keep yourselves penned up in this state of limbo.”
“I know… I know.” I wipe my hand down my face, looking at the clock. He’ll be here for his weekly visit soon. “Listen, I gotta go.”
“Give him my love and yours.” Micha sighs, hanging up.
Chapter 47
Calvin
Eight weeks. Eight visits with my son. Some with Kaycee, some with Compton. All mostly filled with uncomfortable silences. Compton made it very clear that he wants to be able to trust me, but it’s just too soon for him, and Kaycee? She can barely stay in the same room with me for very long. She observes, but from a distance.
I have some happy moments, I may have missed a lot of firsts, but I was here today when Calvin finally stood up and walked. He’s learning who I am, calling me da-da. He hugs me and kisses me now. I’m starting to actually feel like a dad. A real one. I look up from playing with the ball on the floor. Stetson was in on it, so it’s been fun. I see Kaycee watching us with a smile. When she realizes I’ve spotted her, she drops her eyes and goes back to fussing in the kitchen. The smells coming from there are making my stomach growl. At some point, she seems to have learned to cook.
I get up, putting Calvin in his pen before approaching her. “What have you got cooking?”
“Making a mint jelly. For the lamb, I’m making for tomorrow.”
I look at her, confused.
“Easter Sunday?”
“Is it? I hadn’t realized.”
“So, you don’t have anywhere to be?” Kaycee watches me closely.
“No, guess I’ll get a TV dinner and watch King of Kings.”
“You could bring the movie here; I have a Blue-ray player now.” She points at the tv. “It’s just going to be us. Mom and Douglas are in New York, and Grandpa is seeing a nice woman from the lodge, so he’s having dinner with her.”
“So, you’re making a lamb for just you?”
“I picked up a small rack, figured I’d have leftovers, but if you’d rather not-”
“No-no, I’d love to. What can I bring? Besides the movie? Anything?”
“Some snacks, a basket for Calvin, maybe?”
“I can do that.” I look around; it’s about time I left. “Okay, well, Calvin’s in his pen, so I’m gonna head home. What time tomorrow?”
“Three?”
“Three is it.”
I leave Kaycee and head straight for a meeting. The idea of seeing her again tomorrow for more than just a couple of hours stresses me. When I’m stressed, I want to use.
“Cal, you’re a good man, you’re here, and not down Southie.” Rikki, my sponsor, assures me.
“I know, I just-my hopes are up. She’s invited me to dinner and a movie.”
“Sounds banal enough.”
“You don’t know, Kaycee. The last time we did dinner and a movie, I wound up tangled in twinkle lights.”
“That sounds like a good time, but I can see your concern. Look take it for face value. You are alone on a family holiday. She sees that and thinks you deserve to be with your little boy. Don’t read any more into it.”
“Right. One step at a time, one day at a time.”
“Exactly. Stay calm, stay focused. You’ll be fine.”
“Thanks, Rikki.”
“Anytime.”
***
Sunday comes, and I’ve dressed nicely, button-down, slacks, my hair combed neatly, even with the helmet. Yeah, I got my bike back. Took a bit of time, but I never lost my ticket, and no one wanted the damn thing anyway. I got a small basket with chocolates and a little white bunny for Calvin and another with a little pink bear for Kaycee. Loaded her’s with Cadbury cream and caramel eggs. She loves those. I brought her favorite snacks, too, plus the popcorn with extra butter.
I knock and hear her fussing by the door with the dogs. She opens the door, and my breath hitches.
She’s in pink, from her peep-toe heels to her dangle earrings. The dress she’s wearing is cut to the knee and spaghetti-strapped. Fitter at the waist but full at the hip. Kaycee has her hair pulled up and back from her face, and her makeup is on point, pretty and blush pink.
“Wow.” I can’t keep it to myself.
“Thanks, come in?”
I hand her the daylilies I picked up on my way over. She smiles from ear to ear, and she’s just made my year.
I watch her as she goes and sets them on the table that’s set for us.
“There are apps over in the living room. Deviled eggs, pigs in blankets, cheeses, and meats with crackers. I got flavored waters, with and without fizz, or milk, juices?”
“I’ll take fizzy water any flavor.” I head for the playpen and my boy.
Calvin is up and already calling Da-da. I pick him up, kissing him. “Hey, Calvin, how are you?” I smile as she comes over with the water. “Can I help at all?”
“I’m about to put the bread in; then we can eat. Did you want to feed him?”
“Could I?”
“Sure.” She points to his high chair. “Just get him there, and I’ll get his food. Then we can have relative peace for a while.
“Sounds good.” I watch her; she’s still a knockout. In fact, I think she’s hotter now than she was before we got married. God, how I miss her. I just wish I could tell her.
Chapter 48
Kaycee
“Thank you.” Cal says while we have a quiet dinner.
“You’re welcome, but I’m not sure what you’re thanking me for.”
“For this? For letting me see Calvin, for never serving me.”
I’m quiet. I’m not sure how to respond at first. “Well, I couldn’t very well have you sitting in that stuffy little apartment of yours eating a tv dinner when I was having such a good meal, not today. As for letting you see Calvin. Of course, so long as you stay clean and sober, I have no issue with you being in his life. In our lives. Now when it comes to not serving you with divorce papers…” I sigh. “Cal, I’ll be honest. I have them. I’ve looked them over; mom wanted me to fill them out months ago. I just couldn’t.”
“Why not? I mean, I fucked you over pretty good.”
I nod. “Yeah. You did. Yet here you are, eight months later, sitting across from me, bent, but not broken. I nearly lost you, and that scared the shit out of me. I made you a promise, of forever. I meant it.”
“So did I. When we were dancing, I told you, I love you, that you needed to know that no matter what when I took my vows, I never meant to break them.”
“But you did.” I look down at my hands at my rings. I’ve never taken them off. He reaches across the table and takes my hands.
“Kaycee, the way I feel has never wavered. Not for an instant. The flesh is weak, but my heart was and has always been yours. Do with it what you will. I am your slave.” He drops to his knees and puts his head in my lap. My instinct is to run my hands through his hair.
I start to and stop, sighing. “Cal…”
“Please… I need a second chance. I swear to you I will not waste it. I will spend the rest of my life, proving myself to you if I must. I’m crazy about you. I love you, love our son. I want to make other babies with you. I want to make that life with you.”
My fingers play with his hair, and I nod- not that he can see. My tears are big and ugly. A large sob escapes my lips. “My silly rabbit.” He looks up. “Kiss me, before I change my mind.”
He’s up on his knees-his hands on my hips. Crushing me against him, he kisses me, and I melt into him. In seconds he’s pulling my panties to my ankles and opening my legs to indulge himself in my ripened peach. I let out a ravenous moan. I haven’t been touched since before Calvin came, and Cal knows just what I need. His tongue flicks and teases my clit. What’s this? His tongue? It’s-
“Christ You got your tongue pierced?”
“All for you.” He smirks coming up just to answer before diving back down to make me squirm once more. The dogs start to get upset, so he gets up, and puts them all outside. This gives me time to think.
“Cal, we can’t do this. I don’t’ think-”
He lifts me up and holding me, so we’re belly to belly he kisses me once more. “Please, let me make you come.”
“I- Okay.” I answer finally as he carries me up to our bed. Stripping me, he licks and kisses every inch of my flesh as it exposes. Fingers, to toes. He makes me moan, whimper, and call his name, all with just his mouth! Then he gets his hands involved. He unravels me like a kitten with a ball of yarn.
