by Meg Ripley
Nikki sighed and sat back down, hard. “You’re right; that would be terrible. But he can’t do this! It’s not right.”
“It’s not,” I agreed. “But there’s nothing we can do.”
She huffed and crossed her arms. “Well, there is one thing that might make this whole situation a tiny bit better.”
“What’s that?”
“Yesterday, while you were at work, someone called. They want to interview you for one of the positions you applied for.”
A tiny shred of hope wiggled its way into my chest and I sighed. “Well, that’s good timing.”
14
Conner
I watched until she pulled out of the driveway, then drew the curtain shut. Pure anger ripped through me, and I balled my fists and screamed. I wanted to punch something. I had to punch something. Luckily, I had a scrap of sense left and dashed down to the basement. I stood in front of the punching bag and let loose, throwing fist after fist into it until I’d worked up a sweat and the knuckles of both my hands were covered in blood.
But it wasn’t enough. I tore off my clothes, barreled up the stairs and shifted as I made my way past the back yard. Let the neighbors see. I don’t give a flying fuck. I ran hard, sprinting for as long as I could. I refused to think about anything except pounding the ground with my heavy paws, faster and faster.
I’d gone miles; so far, that I was getting into territory I didn’t know well. I slowed to a more leisurely pace and let my mind release from its tight place of rage. And then, I realized I wasn’t alone in my head.
Is there something I can do for you? Owen asked.
Leave me alone.
We’re worried.
You should be.
I felt him leave the mind link. Good. He was listening and giving me space. I sat down and let myself really think about what the hell was going on.
I was freaking out. I could feel myself losing it; feel that reality was slipping away.
Feel myself going batshit crazy.
I’d let Jessie not only see me cry, but I’d sobbed in front of her like a baby. I’d told her far too much about me, but still not the worst parts. She’d been so perfect. Just thinking about it made my eyes sting. She’d been everything I wanted, everything I could have dreamed. She’d shown me more care and love in those hours than anyone had in a long time—more than I’d let anyone in a long time.
And that was the problem. Not only had I given her all I could in that moment, she’d taken all of me. Willingly. After all I poured out to her about my nightmares, my guilt, the horrible things I’d seen at war and on my job. The way I had to save people or I felt like I couldn’t breathe. She knew more about me than my therapist or my own mother. All parts of me were opened to her.
But she still didn’t know my biggest secret.
I looked down at my bear paws, hating them for the first time. Jessie could accept me as broken. She already had. But she wouldn’t be able to accept my bear. If I tried to tell her, she’d be scared. She’d look at me like I was a freak. A monster. And I couldn’t stand the thought of it. Just picturing how she might look at me, the raw rejection she might give me in that moment, made me want to tear my fur out and pull out my claws. Made me want to never shift again.
I’d fallen for her. Like an idiot, I’d let myself love her. A human. So then, I had to make sure I never saw her again. I wasn’t boyfriend or husband material. I wasn’t father material, either. Peyton. God, what am I going to tell her? I had to find someone else to care for her. I would hire the best person I could, and I’d leave. Or maybe I could send her to one of those fancy schools where the kids all stay there. I’d tell her it was like Hogwarts, but without the magic. She could make friends; be away from all the things that reminded her of her parents. Being in that house had to be making it worse, right?
Jessie had left. Just like that, she walked out. Of course, I’d yelled at her first; I’d had to. It was the only way to make her leave. I’d wanted her to go. But I’d wanted her to refuse. Some desperate, twisted part of me wanted her to fall at my feet and beg me to let her love me. To let her stay. I wanted to hear her say she would refuse to leave because she refused to give up on me.
But she’d left. After just a few harsh words, she’d left, taking every remaining piece of my heart with her.
The pain was so sharp, it made my head spin. I threw up. I was shaking and collapsed on the ground, my face much too close to the vile things that had just poured out of me. I deserved it. I deserved to drown in my own disgust and take myself away from the world so I couldn’t hurt anyone else. Surely, I’d hurt Jessie; probably badly. What would that do to a woman? Giving herself away like she’d given herself to me, then to be turned away like that?
Did she feel used? Manipulated? Did she feel like I’d violated some part of her heart? She must have hated me; she should’ve. I hated me. I hated Logan and Alaina for dying. I hated the world for letting it be them. Most of all, I hated the croc who was responsible for their deaths. When I found out who it was, I would shred his skin and make him suffer. Maybe I’ll just start killing all the crocs, I thought. Eventually, I’d kill the guilty one. And in the meantime, we’d be rid of our croc problem forever. Yes. That was the plan. What had Jessie said? Purpose.
I’d finally found my purpose: I would rid the Everglades, then the world, of every last crocodile shifter I could find. With my newfound sense of determination, I rose to my paws and started running back. I’d stay in the park for as long as I could and pick them off, one by one. I had tons of energy that day, more than I’d had in a long time. I could’ve gone all day.
But as I ran, it hit me: I hadn’t had a nightmare the night before. No, that couldn’t be right, I thought as I mentally flipped through the ones that often recurred. None of them had played in my mind; I had slept all night without a single nightmare. That might have been the first time it’d happened since I’d been in Afghanistan. Then, I thought of Jessie’s soft body curled up against mine as we slept. Pfft. Must have been a coincidence, I told myself. She couldn’t fix me. No one could. I stood tall on my hind legs, roared, and beat my chest.
We’re here. It was Owen. And then suddenly, damn near all my clan was there.
Where are you? Mason.
We want to help you. Ezra.
We’ll come to wherever you are. Noah.
Please, Conner. Don’t do it like this. Hailey.
I’ll head over to your place and be there when Peyton gets home. Addie. Take your time and deal with whatever is going on. Please. For your sake, for Peyton’s sake. For the clan’s sake. We can’t watch you do this anymore.
Is this a fucking intervention? I demanded.
If that’s what you want to call it, fine, Owen answered. But we’re not going to let you suffer. You have to talk to us.
I talked to someone. And it was the worst thing I could have done.
What happened? Ezra asked. Was it something with Jessie or Peyton?
Where are you? Mason demanded. Don’t make me get the force and your own team on the case to search your ass out.
Why didn’t you show up for work? Ezra asked.
In a brief flash, I received a mental image of Owen and Addie at my house. Their little boy, James, was with them.
I growled. Great. Now I can’t even go home.
Yes, you can, Owen said. Please, man. What’s going on with you? Do you want me to call your therapist?
Do you need something more? Mason offered. An inpatient stay somewhere? This is worse than it’s ever been.
I stopped running. There was only one way to escape of all the chatter: I shifted back.
I walked through the woods, naked. It took a long time to get home on human feet; long past the time Peyton would have been off the bus. I hoped Addie and Owen had stayed to bring her inside; I’m sure they had. I’m sure, too, that people were looking for me. I’d be harder to find in my human form, but not impossible. It was a huge park. One and a half million acre
s would take them a long time to cover.
I walked in the direction of home. My mind settled some during the hours I walked, and by the time I saw my backyard—Logan’s backyard—I was ready to face whatever or whoever was waiting for me.
A tan panther leapt up and I groaned internally. Britt. That meant Ezra was somewhere nearby. Then, I heard his footfalls and he ran at me in bear form, but quickly shifted back to human and threw his arms around me.
“Two men hugging naked outside is not the best way to keep our secret from the world,” I said flatly. I pushed him off of me. “Nor is it at all comfortable.”
He wiped tears from his eyes. “We’ve been so worried about you, man. We thought you…” He shook his head.
“You thought I what?”
“We thought you might have done something very stupid. Peyton is at Owen’s. She’s fine. She’s spending the night there.”
A spare key was hidden in the backyard under a piece of the wooden border around the garden.
“Dammit,” Britt said. “I smelled nickel and thought it was the nails. Nice spot.”
I glanced at her, then unlocked the door. I wanted to slam it in their faces, but they anticipated this and moved ahead anyhow.
I flopped down naked on the couch and they joined me. Britt smirked and went outside, and when she returned, she was wearing clothes and tossed some to Ezra. Then, she tossed me a small pouch.
“Herbs,” she explained. “My gramma came up with this blend and it works really well. You can even put it in your beer.”
“What does this blend do?” I sniffed in the bag, and my nose picked up on a mixture of things.
“It’ll calm you down and help you sleep.”
“Take some now,” Ezra said.
I set the pouch down. “That’s alright.”
“Dude,” Ezra insisted. “It wasn’t a question or an option. Take some now.”
I glared at him, but pinched a good bit between my fingers, then dropped it into my mouth and swallowed. It tasted like lavender and rosemary…and cedar sawdust.
I winced. “Nasty shit.” I picked up a half empty beer bottle and washed it down.
“Said it worked, not that it tastes good,” Britt admitted.
Ezra watched me, waiting.
“If this does something crazy to me, I will come after you,” I threatened.
“That’s fine,” he said.
Britt got up and took a bag into the kitchen. I heard the microwave start. My stomach lurched, but the burning numb sensation from the herbs helped to keep the contents of my gut in place.
“You can start talking anytime you want,” Ezra said.
“Nothing to talk about.”
He sat back and crossed his arms. Maybe it was in my head, but I felt my heart slow. The anxiety faded and the heaviness in my chest lifted some. I blinked back tears. When Britt set a plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes in front of me, I ate like I hadn’t eaten in years.
I set the empty plate down and looked at them.
Ezra said, “Now. What’s going on?”
I told them as much as I could without getting emotional. Britt was more like one of the guys than Ezra’s mate, so that helped me feel comfortable saying what I had to without feeling like I was offending someone. She’d just come out and tell me if I did something stupid. They listened and nodded and didn’t interrupt.
When I was done, Ezra raised his eyebrows. “Is that all of it? That’s what has had you so messed up all day?”
“Isn’t that enough?” I demanded.
“It’s a lot,” Britt agreed.
“Conner.” Ezra leaned forward in his chair. “Dude. There’s no reason to put yourself through this. You fell for her. It happens. It’s not a bad thing. Go after her, apologize, tell her you freaked out, and get her back.”
I shook my head. “It’ll never work between us.”
Britt laughed. “I thought that once, too. Turns out this idiot is my perfect match.” She shoved Ezra and he rolled his eyes.
“You’re both shifters.”
“But we’re different species and we couldn’t be more different in every way,” Ezra explained.
I waved my hand. “She couldn’t handle the shifter thing.”
“Oh, I thought you said you didn’t tell her,” Britt said.
“I didn’t.”
“Then you have no idea how she’d respond, do you?” she challenged.
“She’s a human, 100%. I know I seem like a total idiot, but I’m actually not.”
“Don’t get worked up,” Ezra said. “No one’s calling you an idiot. If she has feelings for you, you could be surprised at what she might accept.”
I shook my head slowly. “I can’t take the chance. It would ruin me.”
“But the thing is,” Ezra continued, “you already have. You took the chance and let her in. You let yourself fall for her. That’s huge. You opened up to her on an emotional level; you already did the hardest part. Talk to her and find out what she feels for you. I guess if she hates you, don’t tell her, but I’ll bet she doesn’t, man. I’ll bet she’s just as crazy for you as you are for her. You won’t know until you make the move and try. That’s what I did. You remember how I was.”
I rolled my eyes. “Good god, you were obnoxious. It was so obvious to us that you had it bad, but you wouldn’t see it.”
Ezra raised his hands. “Hello? Listen to what I’m saying. It’s obvious now that you have it bad. That’s why you’re freaking out. Just like it was clear to you that I had to talk to Britt and get over myself, it’s your turn.”
“This is totally different.”
“Yup,” Ezra said. “Except it’s not.”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Dude! You’re already miserable! You’re already hurting, in pain and feeling rejected; it can’t get any worse. Not really. But if you don’t talk to her and find out, you’ll never know. And then you’ll have to live with that forever. Every time you feel lonely, every time you have a nightmare, every time you want someone to talk to or to be there, you’ll wonder if it could have worked out.”
I pictured it. He was right. It would kill me. And it was already terrible. I already felt like my insides were on fire, roasting me from the inside out. How much worse could it be?
“Fine,” I said.
“Fine…as in, you’ll talk to her?” he asked.
“I’ll talk to her. I’ll at least apologize and feel her out. Then, I’ll decide from there.”
“Perfect. My job here is done,” Ezra said. “Now go get some sleep, man.”
15
Jessie
I hopped into my car after the interview and picked up my phone to send a text to Nikki.
It went great!
She’d been anxious to hear about it, so I wasn’t surprised when she responded right away.
Awesome, I knew it would! You’ll have to tell me all about it when you get home. I’ll have a tub of chocolate peanut butter swirl ready for ya! xoxo
As soon as I arrived, I dropped my purse by the door and Nikki shoved a spoon into my hand. “So, what did he say?” she asked.
“He was so impressed by my education,” I answered, sliding the spoon through the crisp, cool ribbon of peanut butter. “And even by my experience as a nanny! He said it would really help.”
Nikki hugged me tightly. “See, I knew you could do it!”
“Thanks for helping me.” I smiled as I took a mouthful and exhaled through my nose, allowing the sweet and salty flavors to melt on my tongue. I’d almost packed up and gone back home after the whole Conner thing happened, but Nikki had convinced me to at least go on that one interview. I had nothing to lose and only a crappy job back home to gain. My pitiful paycheck from the diner looked pretty sad compared to what I’d been making as a nanny. Heck, I’d thought about possibly looking for another nannying job if the teaching position didn’t come through. As rough as it had been, I’d loved being there. I still missed Peyton
and hoped that the transition hadn’t been too hard on her.
The next day, I received a call telling me that I’d been awarded the job and Nikki took me out for dinner to celebrate. After our Mexican meal, I was stuffed, so I decided to end the night on our couch watching a cheesy romantic comedy. While I was excited to have a new job, I couldn’t deny that I still felt upset about Conner and Peyton. I missed them badly. It had already been over a week since I’d left, and I didn’t think I’d be seeing them anytime soon. Maybe not ever.
I had almost two weeks to kill before my job would be starting. It was like torture to have that much idle time. Curiosity got the best of me one day, and I found myself driving past Conner’s house, just to see if I could catch a glimpse of them, but I saw no one. I wished I would run into them somewhere, but Conner didn’t go anywhere—except for work, anyway.
I busied myself by reading and cleaning everything there was to clean. I even thought about picking up a small job in the meantime, but what could I do for less than two weeks? I found myself taking long walks, but my mind would always drift to memories of Conner. Our night together. Where I went wrong. What I could have done to make it better. I still didn’t have any answers.
By the time the day finally came for me to start, I was ecstatic. Smoothing the skirt of my new outfit, I spun for Nikki. “Good?”
“Perfect teacher attire.”
“I can’t believe I’m actually a teacher!” I squealed. All those long years of college had finally paid off.
I got in my car and tried to stay calm as I drove to the school. Luckily, I’d been given a tour after my interview, so I knew exactly where to go. I checked in with my supervisor, then headed to my classroom. The other teacher I’d be working with was there already, and she looked up at me with a tired smile.
“Hi there,” I said cheerfully, sticking out my hand. “I’m Jessie Miller, the new teacher.”
