She took the pitcher and looked into it, but in that green light she could not tell what the liquid was. She poured it out, her hands shaking. Whatever it was, she thought, it was still liquid. She raised the mug to her lips, sniffing, but the torch stank so much she could smell nothing else. She took a swallow. It burned her throat all the way down, but she wanted more of it. She drained the mug. On the platter was a slab of some dried meat and a hunk of bread. Her stomach knotted, reminding her of the hours since she'd eaten. The bread was hard, and tasted salty and sour. The meat was salty too; not until she'd eaten most of it did she think what the salt would do. Thirst swamped all other sensation; she drained the pitcher at one draught, only to find that it gave strength without easing her thirst. She felt the burning liquid work its way along her body, stinging it awake. She was afire all over, with thirst and the wounds and that terrible itching she had felt since the first.
She found herself growling softly. Fight, she thought. Oh, I will fight—by holy Gird, I will fight exceedingly. She thought of the combat past, the unfairness of it, the knotted whip, the orc's teeth in her leg, her strokes, the orcs' strokes. For a moment she grimaced at the thought of the last encounter, when she had stabbed the orc's eyes, but she forced the revulsion down. I had to, she thought. It wasn't fair; I was outnumbered, I had to do—whatever. She drew grimness around her like a cloak. Gird of the Cudgel, she thought. If that's what you want, putting me in a place like this, that's what I'll do—I'll fight. Protector of the helpless, strong arm of the High Lord: I will be true. I will fight.
But a moment of doubt had her frowning. Gird was not for fighting only—she thought she remembered that. Fairness—truth—she shook her head, trying to think. She seemed to see Stammel's face, telling the recruits not to brawl, then the look he had given her in the cell when Sejek had banned her. Something was wrong; she should know something better. But of course something's wrong, she thought irritably. I've been taken by iynisin; I had to fight three orcs unarmed; the stuff they gave me was poisoned—
When she heard scraping outside the door, she sprang to her feet, a little surprised at her body's quick response. She felt ready—even eager—for what was to come. They wanted to see fights, did they? She would show them fighting such as they had never seen.
"I see you have recovered from your shameful collapse." The caped iynisi entered the cell. It flicked a glance down at the pitcher and platter. "Ah—refreshed yourself, have you? I fear you may find our ale a bit thirst-provoking, don't you? But it is strengthening. And if you are successful this next trial, we might give you water as a reward. What do you think, eh?"
Paks felt her lips draw back in an involuntary snarl. The iynisi laughed. "I suppose we must not expect to find fighters courteous," he said. "But how you humans do reveal your needs. It is a weakness of yours, which the elder races have learned to control." The iynisi snapped his fingers and an attendant brought forward the box from which he took another hank of the gray stuff. "'Tis a pity this is necessary," he said. "If we had your word that you would cause no trouble—no? Discourteous. Perhaps we shall have to teach you manners as well. Hold out your hands, and pray that I remember to cut the bond before your combat begins." Paks found that she had extended her hands without thinking about it, nor could she jerk them back when she tried. She wondered if the iynisi used a spell—a ring?—surely something to control her.
As before, she was led into the small arena; this time the seats were full when she came in. A sword, dagger, shield, and helmet were stacked in the center. "You earned these last time," said the iynisi. "Possibly the body armor as well, but we differed on that. Convince us, if you can."
The combat that followed was a whirling confusion that was never after clear in Paks's memory. How many she fought, in that bout or another, or what arms they had, she could not say—only that she fought at the limit of her strength and skill again and again. She had no memory of individual strokes, how she won, or what wounds she took. When she won, she was rewarded with a dipper of water, a short rest, a weapon to replace one that had shattered. When she collapsed, of wounds and exhaustion—and she did not know how many times, or how often, that happened—she would awake in a cell, her wounds no longer bleeding, but afire with whatever had been used to treat them. She was given food and drink that did nothing to ease her hunger and thirst, but gave her strength to fight once again.
Soon she could think of nothing but the opponent at hand, the weapon that menaced her, the hands that wielded it. For a long time she tried to call on Gird before each onset, but she could never bring the name out aloud. At last it drifted from her mind while she lay unconscious between encounters. She fought grimly, then, to the shrill squeals of the watching iynisin and their allies, and never knew what she fought, or how. There was only pain, and danger, and the bitter anger that kept fear at bay.
That anger grew after every bout: it spread to include all she thought of. The High Lord should never have made the world to include iynisin, she thought bitterly, and if elves could turn so to evil, he should not have made elves. Now the distrust of true elves the iynisin had sown flowered in bitterness. She remembered the elf lord laired deep under stone, bound to some power of evil, and drawing her to his side with irresistible enchantments. Macenion's lies, his greed and cowardice with the snowcat, his arrogance. Even at their best, elves toyed with humans, clouded human memory for their convenience, sent them into dangers they could not assess, with that glamour upon them. Were a few tinkling songs and flowery compliments in a sweet voice a fair exchange for all this disdain of human lives and needs? Hardly. In a world where such evil existed, it ill-behooved elves to sit aside and cast human lives like dice for their pleasure.
It was monstrous that such evil existed—that innocents were tormented in dark places—that she was alone and helpless and frightened. But she wasn't frightened, she reminded herself. Death was the end of all things, and darkness surrounded all light, but she was no child to be frightened of what must come. If Gird wouldn't help—or didn't exist—she would get along without him. She would fight until the end, and then grapple death itself. That would show them.
When she thought at all of her friends, in bits and scraps of memory, she saw them standing idly in the sunlight while she was fighting against impossible odds underground. She had an image of Arñe and Vik, chatting peacefully in Duke Phelan's barracks—of the other paladin candidates, safe in Fin Panir, looking forward to their own tests—of the rest of the expedition, feasting around a fire, leaving her behind with a shrug. For awhile she knew this was untrue; she reminded herself that her friends were better than that. But in the end that truth slipped away as well. They would find out, she thought grimly, and enjoyed imagining their grief and their pride in her deeds. And if they never knew—that might even be better. She was no longer angry with them; they could not understand, it was not their fault. It was their weakness, all those silly thoughts of right and wrong, the rules made for gentler combats: if they had been where she was, they would know that only the fight itself mattered, the enemy's death, the anger sated by blood.
She awoke, once more in a narrow cell, to find the caped iynisi standing over her. She blinked, still under the influence of the healing methods they used. He beckoned one of his henchmen, who quickly raised her head and held a mug to her lips. She swallowed: the same burning liquid. As always, she wanted more. With every swallow, strength flowed back into her. She gulped down two mugs full before he moved away, then she rolled easily to her feet.
"You have given us good sport, Paksenarrion," said the iynisi. "Such sport that we are minded to reward you greatly. You remember your friends, don't you? Your friends outside?"
Paks felt her forehead wrinkle, as she tried to remember. Friends. Yes, she had friends somewhere—she could not remember their names, but she had friends. She nodded.
"Your good friends," he coaxed. "Such good friends." Paks felt a surge of anger. Why was he being so tedious? "Your friends are
worried about you; they have come to find you. To free you."
Paks growled, then stumbled over the words. "Can free myself. Can fight."
The iynisi smiled. "Yes, that's right. You can fight. You can free yourself. We will let you fight, Paksenarrion. Just one more fight, and you will be free. You will be with your friends."
Suddenly Paks's mind cleared for an instant; she seemed to see Amberion, Ardhiel, and the Marshals before her. Those were her friends. Were they here? Mingled worry and hope rose in her. She glared at the iynisi: what did he mean, fight herself free?
"Ah—some memory coming back. That is well. Now listen to me. You must fight once more, fight your way through some of our lesser servants, to reach your friends. If you can do this, you may go free. Otherwise, you will die, and so will they. We will arm you in what you have won."
Before she could reply, he waved into the cell several iynisin carrying a suit of black plate armor, a black helmet crested in black horsehair, and a handsome longsword with a curious design at the crosshilts. Paks had no time to examine it. The iynisin began to fit the armor on her; she found, as always, that she could not move when the caped one commanded her to stand still. The armor had a strange feel; it made her uneasy. The helmet was even worse. As it neared her head, she felt a sudden loathing for it, and tried to duck aside. The effort was hopeless. Down over her head came the helmet, close-fitting around her ears and cheeks. She felt breathless. Someone pulled the visor down. She squinted through the eyeslit, but found that everything wavered as if seen through a blowing mist.
"I can't see!" she said.
"That's all right," the iynisi answered. His voice echoed unpleasantly in the helmet. "All down here are your enemies, yes? All are enemies. Here—take the sword." She felt the sword hilt pressed into her right hand. She hefted the blade. It felt good. "All enemies—" said the iynisi's voice, now behind her. "Go—fight—fight for your rights, Paksenarrion. Fight your enemies. Fight—"
She hardly needed that encouragement. She was walking down the corridor, away from the cell, walking alone and unguarded for the first time. At first she could barely see well enough to stay away from the walls, but then her vision cleared a little. She saw iynisin ahead of her, all running somewhere. Those who looked at her screamed, and ran faster. Behind the visor, she smiled. Soon. Soon she would show them. She was no longer helpless; now she had the power she had longed for all those dark hours. She wondered which way to go, heard a confused clangor from a wide cross passage, and turned to see what it was. A fight. A big fight. She saw the passage choked with armed figures: iynisin, orcs, others. She drew breath and stalked forward, sword ready.
She struck the back of a confused mass, hating the black-clad iynisin who had laughed at her. Wide sweeps of her sword parted heads from shoulders, and cleared a space around her. Those in front turned to face her; she leveled the great blade and swiped from side to side, laughing. The black cloaks melted away. Beyond them were greater ones, huge to her eyes. Hatred and anger flared together in her mind. You too, she thought. I will fight. I will fight through all of you, whatever you are. Fight through to my friends. By Gird—the name leapt into her mind, and she opened her mouth to yell it out loud. This time, at last, the sound passed her lips: not as a yell, little louder than a whisper: "In the name of Gird."
A vast space opened in her mind, and out of it a voice like stone said, "Stop!" She froze. One arm held the sword up for another swing, one foot had nearly left the ground. At once she was bereft of vision and hearing, and plunged into darkness.
Chapter Twenty-six
Paks woke to darkness. She lay a moment, feeling cool air—living air—wash over her face. She lay wrapped in something soft, on something more yielding than stone. She blinked. She could see something glittering overhead. Stars. The current of air quickened; it smelled of pine and horses and woodsmoke. She could not think where she was. Her mouth was dry. She tried to clear her throat, but made a strange croaking noise. At once a voice—a human voice—spoke out of the darkness.
"Paks? Do you want something?"
Tears filled her eyes, and ran down her face. She could not speak. She heard a rustle of clothing, then a hand came out of darkness and touched her face.
"Paks? Are you crying? Here—" The hand withdrew, and after a sharp scratching noise, a light flared near her and steadied. She thought: lamp. Her tears blurred everything to wavering points of light and blackness. The hand returned, a gentle touch, stroking her head. "There, Paks, it's all right. You're safe now; you're free."
She could not stop the tears that kept flowing. She began to tremble with the effort, and the person beside her called softly to someone else. Another person loomed beside her. "The spell's going, I think," said the first voice.
"About time, too. Can she speak yet?"
"No. But she's aware. I hope we can get her to drink; she's as dry as old bone."
"I'll lift her." The second person slipped an arm under her shoulders; Paks felt herself shift as she was lifted to lean against a leather tunic. "There now. Paks? You need to drink something. Here—" She felt a cool rim at her lips, and sipped. It was water, cold and clean. She swallowed again and again. "Good," said the voice. "That's what you need."
"I'll get more," said the first voice, and she heard the rasp of footsteps. She drank another flask full. Tears still ran from her eyes. She did not know who these people were, or where she was, or what had happened. Only that it was better now. At last she slipped back into sleep, still crying.
* * *
She woke in daylight: light blue sky overhead, red rocks against the sky. She turned her head. She lay on a sandbank above a stream. She could see horses across the stream, and men in chainmail grooming them. Nearer was the pale flickering light of a campfire. Around it were three men, a woman, and a dwarf. One of the men and the woman left the campfire and came toward her. They were smiling. She wondered why.
"Paks, are you feeling better this morning?" That was the woman. Paks felt her way along the words, trying to understand. This morning. Did that mean that it was last night, the voices and the crying? Better? She tried to roll up on one elbow, but found she could hardly move. She felt utterly weak, as if she were hollow from the bones out.
"Can you speak at all, Paks?" asked the man. She looked at him. Dark hair with a few silver threads, short dark beard. Chainmail under a yellow tunic. They wanted her to say something. She had nothing to say. They were smiling at her, both of them. She looked from face to face. The man's smile faded as she watched. "Paks, do you know who I am?" She shook her head. "Mmm. Do you know where you are?" Again the headshake. "Do you know who you are?"
"Paks?" she answered softly, tentatively.
"Do you know your full name?"
Paks thought a long moment. Something seeped into her mind. "Paks. Paks—Paksenarrion, I think."
The man and woman looked at each other and sighed. "Well," said the woman, "that's something. How about breakfast, Paks?"
"Breakfast—" she repeated slowly.
"Are you hungry?"
Again Paks thought her way to the meaning of the words. Hungry? Her stomach rumbled, answering for her. "Food," she murmured.
"Fine," said the woman. "I'll bring it." She strode off.
Paks looked at the man. "Who is that?" she asked.
"The woman? Pir. She's a knight." His voice held slight coolness.
"Should—should I know her?"
"Yes. But don't worry about that. Do you remember anything of what happened?"
Paks shook her head before answering. "No. I don't remember anything much. Did I—did I do something bad?"
"Not that I know of. What makes you ask that?"
"I don't know." Paks turned her head to look the other way. She was looking up a narrow valley or canyon walled with red rock on both sides. Nothing looked familiar.
The woman returned, carrying a deep bowl that steamed, a mug, and a waterskin slung from one wrist. "Here—stew, bread, and
plenty of water. Can you sit up?" Paks tried, but again was too weak. The man propped her against a pack he dragged from a few feet away. The women set the bowl on the sand, poured water into the mug, and offered it. Paks tried to wiggle a hand free from the blanket around her, but the woman had to help her even with that. When she took the mug, her hand shook so that much of the water slopped onto her face and neck; it was icy cold. But what she managed to drink refreshed her.
"I'll help you with the stew," said the woman. "You're too shaky to manage it." She offered it spoonful by spoonful. Paks ate, at first without much interest, but with increasing relish. She began to feel more alert. A thread of memory returned, though she could not tell if it was recent or remote.
She looked at the man. "Is this Duke Phelan's camp?"
His face seemed to harden. "No. Do you remember Duke Phelan?"
"I think so. He was—not so tall as you. Red hair. Yes—I thought I was still in his Company. But I'm not. I don't think so—am I?"
"Not any more, no. But if you remember that, then your memory is coming back. That's good."
"But where—? I should—I should know you, shouldn't I? You asked me that. And I can't—I don't know you—any of you—or this—" Her voice began to shake.
"Take it easy, Paks. It will come back to you. You're safe here." The man turned away for a moment, and waved to someone Paks could not see.
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