by Rye Brewer
He was right about that. Time in the dungeon cells hadn’t done him any good. He was pale, with circles under his eyes and dirt under his nails. His clothes were streaked with grime, and his hair needed a good washing.
“But is it you?” I pressed. “You know what I mean.”
He sighed, nodding. “It’s me, Philippa. It’s me again.”
Dirt or no dirt, I walked into his outstretched arms and let him enfold me.
It was Vance. I could feel it.
Valerius was so cold and calculated. He never would’ve held me the way Vance was.
Even so, I had to take a step back with my nose wrinkled. “I’m sorry, but you’ve smelled a lot better.”
He laughed. “Yeah, I know. I’m not exactly proud of myself right now.”
“Come on in. I’m sure I can find you something to wear. How did you even get up here without the front desk alerting me?”
“I came through the side door, off the alley. I didn’t want to run the risk of your brother giving anybody the heads up.”
“My brother?”
Jonah’s unhappy face filled my mind memory and reminded me of why Vance had been imprisoned at all.
“How did you get out?”
“In due time. I would kill for a shower.” His smile slowly became a frown. “Poor choice of words.”
I touched his cheek, letting my fingertips linger over his firm jaw. I was so sure I’d never touch him again. “I’m so sorry for what happened.”
“That makes two of us.” He winced, shaking his head. “I keep seeing his face when I did it. Not I.” He looked down at his hands. “These hands. But I didn’t do it.”
“I know it wasn’t really you.”
“I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t believe me. I honestly don’t know.”
“I do believe you. Remember, I was with you at the mansion. I knew you were still in there, but you weren’t in control.” I pressed my palm against his chest. “You were here. But you couldn’t help what he made you do.”
“I did love my father, you know. He was impossible to love sometimes. Maybe most of the time. But I loved him, anyway.”
“I know you did.”
I showed him to Gage’s bathroom since the two of them were the closest in size and I wanted to raid his closet.
The sound of the shower was music to my ears. I couldn’t stop smiling. I had him back. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes I made in the past. All of that was behind us. I only wanted to be with him, to make up for lost time. Maybe what happened was for the best, after all. It had forced me into clearer perspective. I knew what really mattered, and it was him. Us.
“I’ll leave your clothes on the bed,” I called out, leaving a sweater and jeans there before going back out to the living room.
I barely knew what to do with myself, I was so excited. He was back. Exactly what I had wanted so badly.
What would Jonah think? It didn’t matter, because Vance wasn’t to blame for what he’d done. He didn’t deserve to be locked up if Valerius was gone.
But where had Valerius gone, exactly?
That nagging question wouldn’t leave me alone. It lingered in the back of my mind as I waited for Vance, pacing in front of the windows and absentmindedly wringing my hands. What if there was an even worse alternative to Valerius possessing Vance?
What if he had taken Jonah, instead? Jonah had to be at the League’s headquarters at some point, which was where I knew Vance had been locked up. By the time Vance came back out, looking much more like his old self, I nearly pounced on him.
“What happened? How is this possible? Where’s Valerius?”
He held up his hands, palms out. “One thing at a time, please. I’m exhausted. The dungeons aren’t exactly a vacation.” When he sank into the sofa and put his feet up on the ottoman, he nearly groaned with pleasure. “It’s been so long since I felt this comfortable.”
I sat next to him with my feet drawn up beneath me, eyes glued to his face. “All right. Tell me. You’ve got to know this is torture.”
“Is it? I’m sorry.” He took my hands. “I wasn’t thinking. You’re right, I should’ve explained right away. It’s all been such a blur, and I’m so tired.” He let his head drop back against the cushions. “To be honest with you, I have no idea what happened. I mean, how he was gone all of a sudden. Things were always kind of… murky when he was in control. I knew what was happening, but it was like being on the other side of an almost-transparent curtain. Things were blurred, out of focus, and even the sound was sometimes muffled or garbled. You mentioned torture just now—I can’t imagine anything worse. Seeing the world turning around me, and knowing there were acts being committed with the use of my body. Terrible, awful acts. And there was nothing I could do about it.”
“That’s all over now,” I reminded him, as patient as I could be. He needed to talk it out, that much was obvious. But he still hadn’t answered my most burning questions.
“It’ll never be over. Not really. Not after I killed my own father.” He closed his eyes, squeezed them tight like he was staving off whatever was trying to leak out from behind his lids.
“Don’t think about that now. You’re only making it worse for yourself.”
“You’re probably right.” He rubbed a hand over his eyes, then his cheek. “Anyway, I was in the cell. I remember that clearly. Waiting, wondering what was going to happen. Valerius wasn’t happy about that, let me tell you. Enraged doesn’t even begin to describe. And then… I don’t know, I went into a kind of sleep state. It’s the only explanation I’ve been able to come up with since it happened. One minute, I was waiting in the cell. Valerius was in control. The next, I was outside headquarters. Alone. And it was just me in here.” He tapped the side of his head.
“That must’ve been a relief.”
“You have no idea,” he chuckled. “It was getting pretty crowded in there.”
“I’ll bet. But what about Jonah?”
“What about him?”
I shouldn’t have put it so bluntly.
He didn’t know what was going on in my head, why I’d ask something like that.
“I mean, where did Valerius go once he left you? Where was Jonah when this happened?”
“I have no idea where he was,” he said with a slight shrug. “I never saw him once he had me locked up. I don’t even know if he was at headquarters when Valerius left me.”
I chewed my lip, mulling this over. Wonderful. And I was sure, if Jonah really wasn’t there when Valerius escaped, that he had to be pulling his hair out right about now.
My phone was still down in the vault. The vault! Vance didn’t know the body was down there—and neither did Valerius. Would he come for it in whichever body he’d taken over once he’d left Vance behind?
“What is it?” he asked. “I’m sorry, I wish there was more I could tell you.”
“No, no, that’s all right. This is all just so confusing and incredible at the same time. I’m so happy you’re here, and you’re you. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy.”
I couldn’t stop touching him, even if it was only my hand on his shoulder. So long as we could be close. It was a dream come true.
His smile was brilliant. “Now that you mention it, I can’t remember, either. This is why I had to course here right away. I needed to be with you. You were the only person on my mind, the only one who matters anymore. I had to make sure you were safe. I had to make sure you knew that I’m me again, and I know you tried so hard to free me. I can’t tell you what it means.” He took my face in his hands and pulled me close.
I stopped breathing, waiting for the moment when our lips touched—and when they did, it was magic.
The old Vance was back, the one I had first fallen in love with, and I was putty in his hands.
I could’ve kissed him like that all day, and maybe even more than that—so when he pulled away, I couldn’t help but let out an unhappy groan.
He
chuckled, then kissed the tip of my nose. “There’s something I wanted to ask you,” he murmured as he ran his hands through my hair. I had missed those hands. I had missed everything about him.
I leaned into his embrace. It was heaven on earth, a moment I had waited for. Hoped for. Something I’d feared would never come to pass.
“What is it?” I whispered, wishing we didn’t have to talk about anything for a while. There were more important issues to address.
“Where’s Valerius’s body?”
27
Vance
Stupid! Stupid move. You don’t know her at all. If you did, you wouldn’t have come right out and asked her something like that.
Philippa’s eyes opened slowly. She blinked. “What?”
“Where’s Valerius? I thought you might know, having been there when he took possession of me and all.”
Her brow creased as she leaned back just a little, seeing what was happening through new eyes.
Yes, yes, you’re smarter than this. Don’t let him fool you! It’s not me!
A sharp burst of what I had come to think of a psychic pain ripped through my consciousness.
I sensed his satisfaction, the way I always did when he hurt me. I had known a lot of violent, heartless, soulless creatures before—or what I’d thought of as soulless before meeting him and seeing what the word truly meant—and he topped them all.
Even so, I wanted Philippa to resist. To think this through. Did any of it make sense? How would I possibly not know anything about what had happened? I knew everything. Every last terrible detail. I had seen it all happen as though someone else was doing it—which was exactly the case. And yet it had been my hands. I had suffered through watching others suffer at my hands.
I won’t let you do this to her, I thought with all my might. I wanted him to hear me. I won’t let you get away with this, Valerius.
In my head, Valerius laughed at me. But I already have, stupid boy.
“If you don’t know, you can just tell me so,” Valerius told Philippa with my voice.
“It’s just that I’m a little surprised you’re asking. What difference does it make?” She wasn’t the same person anymore, not the one who had melted into my arms and kissed me. She was on her guard, like an animal which had sniffed out danger. She was much smarter than he gave her credit for.
Yes, my smart girl, don’t listen to him. Think this through. Why would I come back and ask you about him before I even asked you about yourself?
Valerius heard my thoughts, the way he always did when I didn’t take pains to hide them.
Shut up, boy. She can’t hear you. You’re talking to yourself.
Just the same, I couldn’t stop. I wanted to fight my way to the surface, to warn her. Every time he touched her, I cringed in revulsion. To think it was him caressing her, with hands that had done so many terrible, murderous things. Things he had forced me to watch, to be fully present for. He was still strong enough to exert control over me that way.
I guarded my thoughts carefully, watching in silence as Philippa sized me up. No, sized Valerius up. It was still so easy to confuse the two of us, even after witnessing everything he was capable of.
Like what he’d done to my father. And Tabitha. I would never lose the image of her horrified face, and the look of understanding which came over it in her final moments. When she knew it was all over. I’d always remember the way she’d whispered two names. The only two words she had spoken after asking what I was doing in her room. Anissa… Sara. Her dying breath, as I knelt over her with the taste of her blood still fresh in my mouth after I’d slit her throat and drank deep.
No. Not me. I did not drink from her. It was Valerius, in my body. It was enough to drive me insane. I would lose my mind if I didn’t find a way to keep us separate and leave it at that. But when I looked out through my own eyes and saw what my hands were doing, what my claws and fangs did to that poor woman…
And I couldn’t even begin to think about my father. That was something I couldn’t go near.
Valerius shrugged my shoulders. “I thought he would eventually go back for his body. Right? If we knew where it is, we would know where he was going. We could wait for him.”
Come on. You’re not stupid. You don’t believe him. It’s a silly, pathetic excuse. Don’t waste your time on it.
I was still careful to keep my thoughts silent, away from Valerius. I didn’t know in the beginning that he could read me so easily. He already knew too much. I could only watch as Philippa processed this latest lie.
She believes me, Valerius taunted in a sing-song voice. She believes me because she wants to believe. Because she loves you and has wanted nothing more than to be with you all this time. A woman doesn’t kiss a man the way she kissed me—you—without loving him.
I struggled against the instinct to fight back. That was what he wanted. To draw me out, to weaken me with his taunts and accusations. It wasn’t enough to force me to witness brutal acts performed using my body. He needed to get inside my soul, to tear me to pieces until there was nothing left in me to fight him. So I didn’t give him what he wanted. I didn’t respond.
I only waited to see whether she’d believe his story or not.
She nodded slowly. “That would be a good plan, if I knew where he was.”
I sensed his uncertainty. Was she telling the truth? Was she lying because she knew he was lying? He would ever know, would he? I wasn’t entirely sure, myself.
“But you don’t.”
“No. I don’t.” She shrugged. “Let’s not talk about him right now. Let’s talk about you, and us, and how we’re going to deal with the fact that people still think you killed Lucian.”
“Right. Of course.”
Valerius was perturbed on the surface, enraged underneath. She knows, she must know, what aren’t you telling me about her? What is it she’s picked up on? You must give me something else to use, you weak, useless nothing.
I had the upper hand, but couldn’t show that I knew it. You said it yourself. I’m useless. How could I possibly help you?
You’re lucky that I need this body, he snarled.
I could almost see him in my subconscious—a snarling, grasping, clawing thing. Withered and evil. Twisted by hatred and the thirst for vengeance. He’d taken his revenge by killing my father, but it wasn’t enough. I knew that, too, even if he wasn’t aware of my understanding.
Yes. I’m very lucky. I went silent after that, simply waiting to see what would happen. I was stronger than I’d ever been, but not strong enough to fight him off completely, to take control and keep it. I had to wait a while longer instead of using up all my strength at once. It took more self-control than I had ever exhibited in my entire existence—self-control never being my forte.
“What are we going to do?” Philippa prompted.
She was so beautiful, so wise and innocent all at once. How could somebody who’d seen as much as she had maintain that sense of innocence? Perhaps that was my imagination.
She was innocent of what Valerius was doing to me, but not an innocent young thing. I had been with her long enough to know how complex she was and how jaded about so many things. Even so, there was a touch of a lost little girl about her, which had always kept me coming back for more.
Valerius said, “I don’t know. I had hoped I’d be able to hide out here for a while.”
That was a bad move, immediately evidenced by the way she frowned.
“I don’t know that my brothers would like that very much.”
“You mean Jonah wouldn’t like it. But Jonah knows the truth. He knows I didn’t kill Lucian. Doesn’t he?”
“Yes. I think he does.”
“What’s the problem, then?”
“The fact that he’s the only one who knows. What about the rest of the League? What would happen if they found out we were harboring a murderer here?”
“He’d merely have to tell them the truth, too.”
“I don’t kn
ow…” She looked toward the window, pursing her lips as she debated with herself.
I wanted to kill him for putting her in a position like that. She didn’t deserve to be a pawn in his game.
“Philippa.” He reached for her, taking her chin and turning her to face him. Me.
He pulled her toward us. I couldn’t hold back when it was so clear that he was going to use her like this. I yelled and cursed him, thrashing in my disembodied way, threatening him with everything I could imagine.
He only laughed as he pressed my lips to hers and slid my tongue along them.
She tastes delicious, he taunted as he—I—we— kissed her. And she was so eager, so desperate for my love. He wanted to cheapen that, to turn that desperation into something cheap and vulgar, something he could twist and use for himself.
Leave her alone! She has nothing to do with you. She deserves better than this!
He sneered in my mind as their kiss deepened and I considered fighting my way to the surface to warn her off.
It would’ve been easy at that moment—I was strong enough. But that was what he wanted. He wanted me to weaken to the point where there was no hope of fighting him for good. He wanted to keep me weak and cowering in some dark corner of my mind.
Silly imbecile, he taunted, holding her all the while. You think you can fight against me, don’t you? Yes, you think you’re strong enough to use your own stupid, weak will against me. You’re such a pathetic fool, and you’ve never been able to see it. You’ve spent most of your life trying to convince yourself that people respected you because you deserved respect. Isn’t that right?
I froze. Shut up. Stop this.
You tried so very hard to convince yourself, but there was always something standing in your way. The truth. You knew the real reason behind the respect, the preferential treatment, all of it: your father. Fear of Lucian. Not respect for Vance.
Just when I was sure he couldn’t get through to me, that I was so much stronger than he gave me credit for. Where are you getting this from? I asked.
I’ve been reading your thoughts from Day One. I know your fears. The one biggest fear of all: losing Philippa. You love her. Judging by her eagerness at this particular moment, coupled with the complete joy radiating from her now that you’re together again, I would feel safe in guessing that she loves you, too.
