by Tessa Layne
Carolina shut her eyes, trying to hold back the hot tears that were ready to spill. “I feel so guilty. Like I’m betraying Michael.” Her nose stung. She pinched her temples, but the tears still slipped out.
Macey squeezed her hand, hard. “I get it. I do. But Michael’s dead, honey. Just like my Johnny. And let me tell you, you can’t stop living just because he did.”
“I know, I know. Mama, my sisters, everyone, has told me that. But I can’t seem to move forward.”
“Have you thought about getting laid?”
Carolina choked on her water. “Are you kidding me?”
Macey smiled at her grimly. “I highly recommend it. First of all, you need the release. You must be dying.”
The heat flamed her cheeks as she ducked her head with a nod. “Getting laid won’t erase Michael. But it will help you move on.”
“I can’t remember his face without a picture,” she murmured.
“I know. And you’re ashamed you keep thinking about kissing someone else?”
Carolina nodded, the memory of kissing Cody heating her body in a different way. “Ashamed I kissed someone else,” she admitted in a whisper.
“If this is too personal, you don’t have to answer, but whose hands do you imagine on you?”
Carolina’s head jerked up. “Cody’s.” She didn’t even have to think about that one. It had been that way since he’d limped into the clinic.
“So maybe that’s your heart signaling it’s ready to move on?” Macey prodded gently. She swirled her iced tea and let out a heavy sigh. “When Johnny killed himself, I felt like he’d killed me, too. But I didn’t give myself the chance to grieve properly because I had to help Sophie grieve. And I see bits of Johnny in Sophie every day, so in some ways, he’ll never be fully gone for me. But honestly, the best thing I did for myself in the last fifteen months was have full-on, no-strings-attached, wild monkey sex.”
“You’re kidding.” Carolina’s jaw dropped. For real? She didn’t even know what to say to that.
Macey nodded, cheeks flushing deep pink. “Seriously. I think part of me was afraid lightning would strike me dead if I let myself move forward. Or worse, that I would forget the best parts of Johnny. But I haven’t. I still love him as much as I did before my wild night of sex. But I feel better about me.”
“Do you love this person?”
Macey laughed, shaking her head. “I’ll never see him again. I was on a trip. And now that Sophie and I are moving here, I can leave everything behind.”
“Oh.” That didn’t really help her. And she wasn’t the type to hop a plane somewhere exotic for the express purpose of getting laid.
“I know it’s different for you, being here in town, and having everyone know your story.”
“You don’t know the half of it. Michael was my second almost-wedding.”
“Oh, you poor thing.”
Carolina let out a bitter laugh. “Always an almost-bride.”
“Don’t forget, there’s a lot of territory between having sex and walking down the aisle. Why not have a no-strings-attached fling? See how you do? Most men I know would be all over that. They live in perpetual fear that a woman is looking for a permanent situation.”
Could she do that? Propose a fling to Cody? Lord knew, they nearly burned down the barn this morning. And now that he’d fired her as his PT, as long as their families didn’t find out, no one would be the wiser. Or get hurt.
“You have to do what’s right for you, Carolina. All I can say is that it helped me turn a corner and move forward. I’ll always have a hole in my heart for Johnny. And I don’t know that I’ll ever want to marry again, or let someone be step-dad to Sophie, but at least I know that I can still function as a human. And having sex is a very necessary part of that.”
Carolina nodded. If her sisters were sitting at the table, they’d give Macey a high-five. They’d been pestering her for months to move on. Maybe Cody was a good first step in that journey.
Chapter Eleven
Carolina made a beeline for the barn when she arrived home from work. Cody would be in there, settling the horses for the evening, just like he always did. And with her father keeping her mother company in the kitchen while she prepared dinner, there was no chance of them being interrupted.
A rush of anticipation arrowed straight to her pussy, dampening her panties. It had been so long since someone besides her hands, or her vibrator had caressed her there, she could hardly stand it. Her body hummed with expectation, nipples drawing tight. She could do this, she could give in to her baser desires for once, and still keep her heart in tact. She didn’t have to go all in from the get-go with everything she had, like she’d done in the past. And who better to do it with than a cowboy player like Cody? She liked the way he challenged her, made her feel a little bit wild. And his mouth, oh lordy, his mouth. She wanted that mouth on her most sensitive parts.
Taking a deep breath, she entered the barn, taking a moment to let her eyes adjust to the dim. At the far end of the aisle, Cody stood talking in low tones to Jackpot. Her blood heated at the sound of his voice, low and gentle. With a voice like that, no wonder she was putty in his hands. Who wouldn’t be? Pushing aside all thoughts of her family, all thoughts of Michael, she marched down the aisle, heart pounding in her ears.
He stopped talking and turned at the sound of her boots. He gave her an appreciative smile as his eyes roved hungrily over her body. “I’ve been thinking about you.” His voice implied all manner of dirty thoughts, and she wanted to explore every single one.
“Yeah? Tell me more.” What had Macey called it? Full-on, wild, monkey-sex? That would blot out all the intruding thoughts and help her move on. She followed him as he led Jackpot back to the stall, and lounged against a post opposite. She’d never had sex in a barn before, if she led him into the empty stall behind her would he slowly undress her? Or would he take her against the back wall, fast and furious?
He came out of the stall and stopped, eyes darkening as he stared at her. He crossed the distance in two steps, bracing an arm above her, so close she could inhale the spicy, manly scent of him. “What do you want Carolina?”
His voice oozed seduction. There was no doubt in her mind, he knew exactly what she wanted. Butterflies launched in her stomach with such force, she trembled from head to toe.
“You’ve got words written all over your face, sweetheart,” he drawled slowly, drawing the back of a finger lightly down her cheek.
Tingles cascaded over her, a waterfall of hormones begging for release. Her mouth went dry, staring at his, and she licked her lips, already seeing him with his head at her breast, between her legs.
“I-I…” She swallowed, head spinning. Surely asking for sex wasn’t this hard? It wasn’t like he was going to say no. She took a deep breath, words coming out in a rush. “I think we should have sex. You know. Just sex. No strings, no expectations, just… hot, monkey sex.”
His eyebrows shot skyward.
She chewed on her lip, heart kicking painfully against her ribs. He was supposed to kiss her now, wasn’t he? Pull her tight against his body, the way he had the previous morning? Heat bloomed in her chest and made its way up her neck. Why wasn’t he saying anything?
His eyes narrowed with suspicion. “So explain to me the jump from ‘I’m not looking for anything more’ to no-strings-attached sex in the span of twenty-four hours?”
She gave him a timid smile. “Well… I… ah… we like each other? And, um…” Her mind raced, searching for words to explain without totally embarrassing herself. Oh dear. She was totally botching this. She would never live this down. This was worse than being publicly left at the altar.
“No,” Cody answered tightly, eyes hardening to glittery points. “I’m not going to be a replacement fuck. Not by a long shot.”
Carolina’s face flamed. “You don’t have to be so crude about it.”
“Don’t I? That’s exactly what you were thinking, wasn’t it? I can see it
in the pink on your cheeks.”
He was right, and his words shamed her. What had she been thinking? Flings weren’t her style. Her heart had always ruled her actions.
“I’m a living breathing hot-blooded man, not a stand-in for a dead guy.” Cody stepped so close she could feel the angry heat radiating off him. So close she tilted her head automatically because she couldn’t look away from his snapping eyes. “When we fuck, Carolina, and we will fuck - I want you to look deep into my eyes and know that it’s me making you come apart at the seams.”
His hand came to the back of her neck, and his mouth crashed down on hers. A devouring, possessive kiss that shook her to her core, made her knees wobble. A kiss designed to mark her, prove the fallacy of her words. He showed no mercy, consuming her relentlessly until she moaned, melting into him, skin on fire from head to toe. In this moment, he owned her, and they both knew it. He broke the kiss abruptly, breathing as ragged as hers. “Did Michael ever kiss you like that?” he asked harshly.
Lord Almighty, was he jealous?
“Did he?”
“You know the answer,” she mumbled hoarsely. Wasn’t it enough he’d bent her like a willow? Did he have to break her, too?
“I want to hear you say it.”
Of course, he did. He wouldn’t rest until he’d drawn everything from her, exacting a confession she was afraid to give for fear it would tear her apart. A tear leaked out of her eye, and she shook her head. Michael’s lovemaking had never touched off the raging inferno inside her that Cody’s kisses did. But she loved Michael. His sweetness and devotion had enveloped her like a cocoon. Cody made her feel wild. Untamed. Out of control. And that scared her to death.
Cody tipped up her chin, forcing her eyes to meet his. The turmoil she encountered stopped her breath, made her stomach drop like a stone. “What does a dead guy have that I don’t?” The earnestness in his question gnawed at her. “What can a dead guy give you that I can’t?”
Safety. Guarantees. The words caught in her throat as the blood pounded in her ears. God forgive her cowardice. She shut her eyes, but Cody’s anguished face still floated before her. With a heavy sigh, he dropped his hand and stepped back. She immediately felt the loss of him, and the ache in her chest grew tenfold.
“You know where to find me if you change your mind,” he said flatly. The scuff of his boots as he walked down the aisle sounded like nails driving into a coffin. The barn door slid shut, leaving her in the half-light. She wasn’t sure what hurt more, the ache for Michael, or the knowledge that she’d chickened out on something bigger, deeper, scarier. The wedding ring burned into her finger, and for the first time since Michael’s death, she had the urge to rip it off and fling it as far away as she could.
Chapter Twelve
Bacon sizzled on the stove while Cody paced the tiny kitchen of the bunkhouse like a caged animal. He’d slept for shit, again, unable to stop thinking about Carolina, or fuming over their last interaction. Maybe he’d been out of line, kissing her that way, pushing her to admit what was between them. But it offended the shit out of him that she actually thought he’d agree to be a stand-in. With a growl, he flipped the bacon a little too vigorously, spattering grease over the stove and up his arm. “Gah.” He stomped to the sink, thrusting his forearm under cold water.
Maybe it was time he left. Found a different living arrangement. He wouldn’t be able to avoid Carolina indefinitely. And he didn’t care to examine why her proposal cut to the quick. It wasn’t like he hadn’t ever been propositioned. There were any number of dance floors in any number of two-bit honky-tonks between here and Calgary where he’d had similar conversations. But Carolina was different. Special. And it irked him that she thought no more highly of him than a potential notch on her bedpost. Had he expected more from her? All the more reason to move out, move on. Prairie was a soft landing place, but it wasn’t his home. He belonged on the road, and if a comeback was remotely possible, he’d happily slip back into his old life, bouncing from town to town, chasing the money and the glory.
Colton Kincaid burst into the bunkhouse. “Teddy told me you’re hell-bent on riding again.”
“Nice to see you, too.” Cody pulled the bacon off the heat, and turned around, taking in the armload of equipment Colton dumped on the floor with a clatter. “What in the hell is all this?”
“Your road to recovery.”
“I’m getting that from PT.”
“PT isn’t honing your reflexes and giving you back your balance.”
“Yoga’s doing that.”
Colton’s eyes widened. “Most cowboys think yoga’s for pussies.”
Cody shrugged. “It’s helped.” And the view didn’t hurt, either.
“No foolin’.” He toed the medicine ball. “Ever used one of these?”
“Sure. Greg has me throwing them, working my shoulders.”
Colton snorted. “But has he had you stand on one?”
Now it was Cody’s turn to snort. “No. How do you even fit two feet on it?”
“Like this.” Colton toed off his boots, and stepped onto the tiny ball. He stood stock still for about thirty seconds, then lifted one foot off, and after another thirty seconds, the other. Then, he rolled the ball across the floor, not wobbling once.
Cody gave a low whistle. “Well, I’ll be damned. That your secret sauce?”
Colton flicked his eyebrows, giving him a knowing grin. “Lydia’s my secret sauce, but this doesn’t hurt either. Learn to balance on this, and shifting your weight on a twisting bull will be a helluva lot easier. Here.” He gestured to the ball. “You try.”
Cody stepped on, wobbled, and immediately hopped off. “Damn, how’d you do that?”
Colton chuckled. “First time I stepped on, I ended up on my ass. Start next to the wall. When you find your center, let go. Work up to an hour.”
“An hour?” Colton was fucking insane. Although, that was part of what made him great. He was nuts enough to risk it all. But he trained more than any other cowboy Cody knew, and for that, Cody respected the heck out of him.
Colton nodded. “You wanna ride again, you gotta get your reaction time back, you gotta get your balance back, and-” he tapped his temple. “You gotta get your head back. You need to be prepared for being in the chute, for feeling that animal twitch underneath you. You gotta be cool man, or that bull has already won.”
True, that.
“What do you think would happen if you climbed on top of a practice bull right now?”
“I’ve gotta get comfortable riding lefty, first.”
“Glad to hear you’ve at least given it some thought. If I were in your shoes, I’d aim for riding in July.”
“July? That’s four months away.” Cody’s heart sank. That meant he’d miss out on Cowboy Christmas and all the potential winnings.
Colton stared at him through narrowed eyes. “You wanna comeback for good? Take your time. Do it right. We both know too many cowboys who’ve been injured and comeback too soon, never to be seen again. Don’t be that rider.”
Colton was right. If he was serious about coming back, he didn’t want to flame out after one ride, injure himself permanently. “Okay, what would you do?”
“Spend the next eight weeks strengthening your core, getting your flexibility back, working on your reflexes. I’ll talk to my brother about setting up a practice barrel at Resolution Ranch. The guys there will probably get a kick out of it. I know I guy on the other side of Marion who has a pen, and keeps a few practice bulls for the local guys. When you’re ready, we can head out there.”
If he’d wanted something to keep his mind off Carolina, training up in the manner Colton suggested, would be just the thing. He’d have to spend every moment he wasn’t helping Teddy on that blasted medicine ball. Soon enough, he’d be on his way, and the blazing kisses he’d shared with Carolina would be nothing but a distant memory.
Chapter Thirteen
“You almost ready, sis?” Lydia’s voice drifted u
p the stairs. “We’re gonna be late if you don’t get your rear in gear.”
Carolina fought a sigh, and checked her reflection one last time in the vanity mirror. Maybe she could feign illness? Anything to get out of today’s Posse Party for Emma Sinclaire and Millie Prescott. But it would be bad form to blow off the wedding shower her mother and the other matrons in town had worked so hard on. Besides, one scrutinizing look from her sisters, and they’d have her number. She was the world’s worst faker. Somehow, she’d have to plaster on a smile and force herself to get through the next three hours.
“Caro? Are you okay?” Cassie called.
“No. Not at all,” she muttered, stomach hollowing at the thought of seeing her friends giddy with happiness. She’d been dreading this day for weeks. Emma and Millie were just the latest in the ongoing wedding and baby boom taking over Prairie. And while she was truly happy for them, every wedding, every engagement party, twisted the knife a little deeper in her own heart. She was literally the last single girl in Prairie. At least that’s what it felt like. Twice, she’d been in line for happily ever after, and twice it had been snatched from her. She either had bad judgment, bad luck, or both. Both, considering how she’d mucked things up with Cody. His words from their last conversation rattled in her head. And we will fuck, Carolina.
Ha. She made a doubtful noise in her throat and shook her head. She couldn’t even talk to him, let alone anything else, thanks to the burning shame she experienced every time she laid eyes on him. And she hated that. Hated that in spite of her mixed up feelings, she missed him. The way he made her laugh, or flirted with her, even the way he called her out.
“Carolina, do not make me waddle up those stairs,” Lydia called with a note of warning.
“Coming,” she hollered back, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. It could be worse. It could be a funeral.
Grabbing the tissue stuffed gift-bag off her bed, she headed downstairs to meet her sisters, forcing herself to smile all the way down. By the time she reached them in the front entryway, her smile felt somewhat natural.
