“Why, I know that.”
“I’m glad you do. And I’m gratified that what you said has given me the opportunity to make myself very plain on the subject of Rita Tevis. It may amaze you to know that her great grandsire carried a flintlock with the Hitherford Minute Men, and fell most respectably at Boston Neck.”
“Certainly, John. I knew she was all right. But I wasn’t sure you knew it—”
“Confound it! Of course I did. I’ve always known it. Do you think I’d care for her so much if she wasn’t all right?”
Neville smiled at him gravely, then held out his hand:
“Give my love to her, John. I’ll see you both again before you go.”
For nearly two weeks he had not heard a word from Valerie West. Rita and John Burleson had departed, cheerful, sure of early convalescence and a complete and radical cure.
Neville went with them to the train, but his mind was full of his own troubles and he could scarcely keep his attention on the ponderous conversation of Burleson, who was admonishing him and Ogilvy impartially concerning the true interpretation of creative art.
He turned aside to Rita when opportunity offered and said in a low voice:
“Before you go, tell me where Valerie is.”
“I can’t, Kelly.”
“Did you promise her not to?”
“Yes.”
He said, slowly: “I haven’t had one word from her in nearly two weeks.
Is she well?”
“Yes. She came into town this morning to say good-bye to me.”
“I didn’t know she was out of town,” he said, troubled.
“She has been, and is now. That’s all I can tell you, Kelly dear.”
“She is coming back, isn’t she?”
“I hope so.”
“Don’t you know?”
She looked into his anxious and miserable face and gently shook her head:
“I don’t know, Kelly.”
“Didn’t she say — intimate anything—”
“No…. I don’t think she knows — yet.”
He said, very quietly: “If she ever comes to any conclusion that it is better for us both never to meet again — I might be as dead as Querida for any work I should ever again set hand to.
“If she will not marry me, but will let things remain as they are, at least I can go on caring for her and working out this miserable problem of life. But if she goes out of my life, life will go out of me. I know that now.”
Rita looked at him pitifully:
“Valerie’s mind is her own, Kelly. It is the most honest mind I have ever known; and nothing on earth — no pain that her decision might inflict upon her — would swerve it a hair’s breath from what she concludes is the right thing to do.”
“I know it,” he said, swallowing a sudden throb of fear.
“Then what can I say to you?”
“Nothing. I must wait.”
“Kelly, if you loved her enough you would not even wait.”
“What!”
“Because her return to you will mean only one thing. Are you going to accept it of her?”
“What can I do? I can’t live without her!”
“Her problem is nobler, Kelly. She is asking herself not whether she can live life through without you — but whether you can live life well, and to the full, without her?”
Neville flushed painfully.
“Yes,” he said, “that is Valerie. I’m not worth the anxiety, the sorrow that I have brought her. I’m not worth marrying; and I’m not worth a heavier sacrifice…. I’m trying to think less of myself, Rita, and more of her…. Perhaps, if I knew she were happy, I could stand — losing her…. If she could be — without me—” He checked himself, for the struggle was unnerving him; then he set his face firmly and looked straight at Rita.
“Do you believe she could forget me and be contented and tranquil — if I gave her the chance?”
“Are you talking of self-sacrifice for her sake?”
He drew a deep, uneven breath:
“I — suppose it’s — that.”
“You mean that you’re willing to eliminate yourself and give her an opportunity to see a little of the world — a little of its order and tranquillity and quieter happiness? — a chance to meet interesting women and attractive men of her own age — as she is certain to do through her intimacy with the Countess d’Enver?”
“Yes,” he said, “that is what must be done…. I’ve been blind — and rottenly selfish. I did not mean to be…. I’ve tried to force her — I have done nothing else since I fell in love with her, but force her toward people whom she has a perfect right not to care for — even if they happen to be my own people. She has felt nothing but a steady and stupid pressure from me; — heard from me nothing except importunities — the merciless, obstinate urging of my own views — which, God forgive me, I thought were the only views because they were respectable!”
He stood, head lowered, nervously clenching and unclenching his hands.
“It was not for her own sake — that’s the worst of it! It was for my sake — because I’ve had respectability inculcated until I can’t conceive of my doing anything not respectable…. Once, something else got away with me — and I gave it rein for a moment — until checked…. I’m really no different from other men.”
“I think you are beginning to be, Kelly.”
“Am I? I don’t know. But the worst of it was my selfishness — my fixed idea that her marrying me was the only salvation for her…. I never thought of giving her a chance of seeing other people — other men — better men — of seeing a tranquil, well-ordered world — of being in it and of it. I behaved as though my world — the fragment inhabited by my friends and family — was the only alternative to this one. I’ve been a fool, Rita; and a cruel one.”
“No, only an average man, Kelly…. If I give you Valerie’s address, would you write and give her her freedom — for her own sake? — the freedom to try life in that well-ordered world we speak of?… Because she is very young. Life is all before her. Who can foretell what friends she may be destined to make; what opportunities she may have. I care a great deal for you, Kelly; but I love Valerie…. And, there are other men in the world after all; — but there is only one Valerie…. And — how truly do you love her?”
“Enough,” he said under his breath.
“Enough to — leave her alone?”
“Yes.”
“Then write and tell her so. Here is the address.”
She slipped a small bit of folded paper into Neville’s land.
“We must join the others, now,” she said calmly.
Annan had come up, and he and Ogilvy were noisily baiting Burleson amid shouts of laughter and a protesting roar from John.
“Stop it, you wretches,” said Rita amiably, entering the little group. “John, are you never going to earn not to pay any attention to this pair of infants?”
“Are you going to kiss me good-bye, Rita, when the train departs?” inquired Sam, anxiously.
“Certainly; I kissed Gladys good-bye—”
“Before all this waiting room full of people?” persisted Sam. “Are you?”
“Why I’ll do it now if you like, Sammy dear.”
“They’ll take you for my sister,” said Sam, disgusted.
“Or your nurse; John, what is that man bellowing through the megaphone?”
“Our train,” said Burleson, picking up the satchels. He dropped them again to shake the hands that were offered:
“Good-bye, John, dear old fellow! You’ll get all over this thing in a jiffy out there You’ll be back in no time at all! Don’t worry, and get well!”
He smiled confidently and shook all their hands Rita’s pretty face was pale; she let Ogilvy kiss her cheek, shook hands with Annan, and then, turning to Neville, put both hands on his shoulders and kissed him on the mouth.
“Give her her chance, Kelly,” she whispered … “And it shall be rendered unto you seven-fol
d.”
“No, Rita; it never will be now.”
“Who knows?”
“Rita! Rita!” he said under his breath, “when I am ending, she must begin…. You are right: this world needs her. Try as I might, I never could be worth what she is worth without effort. It is my life which does not matter, not hers. I will do what ought to be done. Don’t be afraid. I will do it. And thank God that it is not too late.”
That night, seated at his desk in the studio, he looked at the calendar. It was the thirteenth day since he had heard from her; the last day but two of the fifteen days she had asked for. The day after to-morrow she would have come, or would have written him that she was renouncing him forever for his own sake. Which might it have been? He would never know now.
He wrote her:
“Dearest of women, Rita has been loyal to you. It was only when I explained to her for what purpose I wished your address that she wisely gave it to me.
“Dearest, from the beginning of our acquaintance and afterward when it ripened into friendship and finally became love, upon you has rested the burden of decision; and I have permitted it.
“Even now, as I am writing here in the studio, the burden lies heavily upon your girl’s shoulders and is weighting your girl’s heart. And it must not be so any longer.
“I have never, perhaps, really meant to be selfish; a man in love really doesn’t know what he means. But now I know what I have done; and what must be undone.
“You were perfectly right. It was for you to say whether you would marry me or not. It was for you to decide whether it was possible or impossible for you to appear as my wife in a world in which you had had no experience. It was for you to generously decide whether a rupture between that world and myself — between my family and myself — would render me — and yourself — eternally unhappy.
“You were free to decide; you used your own intellect, and you so decided. And I had no right to question you — I have no right now. I shall never question you again.
“Then, because you loved me, and because it was the kind of love that ignored self, you offered me a supreme sacrifice. And I did not refuse; I merely continued to fight for what I thought ought to be — distressing, confusing, paining you with the stupid, obstinate reiterations of my importunities. And you stood fast by your colours.
“Dear, I was wrong. And so were you. Those were not the only alternatives. I allowed them to appear so because of selfishness…. Alas, Valerie, in spite of all I have protested and professed of love and passion for you, to-day, for the first time, have I really loved you enough to consider you, alone. And with God’s help I will do so always.
“You have offered me two alternatives: to give yourself and your life to me without marriage; or to quietly slip out of my life forever.
“And it never occurred to you — and I say, with shame, that it never occurred to me — that I might quietly efface myself and my demands from your life: leave you free and at peace to rest and develop in that new and quieter world which your beauty and goodness has opened to you.
“Desirable people have met you more than half-way, and they like you.
Your little friend, Hélène d’Enver is a genuine and charming woman.
Your friendship for her will mean all that you have so far missed in
life all that a girl is entitled to.
“Through her you will widen the circle of your acquaintances and form newer and better friendships You will meet men and women of your own age and your own tastes which is what ought to happen.
“And it is right and just and fair that you enter into the beginning of your future with a mind unvexed and a heart untroubled by conflicts which can never solve for you and me any future life together.
“I do not believe you will ever forget me, or wish to, wholly. Time heals — otherwise the world had gone mad some centuries ago.
“But whatever destiny is reserved for you, I know you will meet it with the tranquillity and the sweet courage which you have always shown.
“What kind of future I wish for you, I need not write here. You know. And it is for the sake of that future — for the sake of the girl whose unselfish life has at last taught me and shamed me, that I give you up forever.
“Dear, perhaps you had better not answer this for a long, long time. Then, when that clever surgeon, Time, has effaced all scars — and when not only tranquillity is yours but, perhaps, a deeper happiness is in sight, write and tell me so. And the great god Kelly, nodding before his easel, will rouse up from his Olympian revery and totter away to find a sheaf of blessings to bestow upon the finest, truest, and loveliest girl in all the world.
“Halcyonii dies! Fortem posce animum! Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. Vale!
“LOUIS NEVILLE.”
CHAPTER XVII
The fifteenth day of her absence had come and gone and there had been no word from her.
Whether or not he had permitted himself to expect any, the suspense had been none the less almost unendurable. He walked the floor of the studio all day long, scarcely knowing what he was about, insensible to fatigue or to anything except the dull, ceaseless beating of his heart. He seemed older, thinner: — a man whose sands were running very swiftly.
With the dawn of the fifteenth day of her absence a gray pallor had come into his face; and it remained there. Ogilvy and Annan sauntered into the studio to visit him, twice, and the second time they arrived bearing gifts — favourite tonics, prescriptions, and pills.
“You look like hell, Kelly,” observed Sam with tactful and characteristic frankness. “Try a few of this assorted dope. Harry and I dote on dope:
”’After the bat is over,
After the last cent’s spent,
And the pigs have gone from the clover
And the very last gent has went;
After the cards are scattered,
After I’ve paid the bill,
Weary and rocky and battered
I swallow my liver pill!’”
— he sang, waltzing slowly around the room with Annan until, inadvertently, they stepped upon the tail of Gladys who went off like a pack of wet fire-crackers; whereupon they retired in confusion to their respective abodes above.
Evening came, and with evening, letters; but none from her. And slowly the stealthy twilight hours dragged their heavy minutes toward darkness; and night crawled into the room like some sinister living thing, and found him still pacing the floor.
Through the dusky June silence far below in the street sounded the clatter of wheels; but they never stopped before his abode. Voices rose faintly at moments in the still air, borne upward as from infinite depths; but her voice would never sound again for him: he knew it now — never again for him. And yet he paced the floor, listening. The pain in his heart grew duller at intervals, benumbed by the tension; but it always returned, sickening him, almost crazing him.
Late in the evening he gave way under the torture — turned coward, and started to write to her. Twice he began letters — pleading with her to forget his letter; begging her to come back. And destroyed them with hands that shook like the hands of a sick man. Then the dull insensibility to pain gave him a little respite, but later the misery and terror of it drove him out into the street with an insane idea of seeking her — of taking the train and finding her.
He throttled that impulse; the struggle exhausted him; and he returned, listlessly, to the door and stood there, vacant-eyed, staring into the lamp-lit street.
Once he caught sight of a shadowy, graceful figure crossing the avenue — a lithe young silhouette against the gas-light — and his heart stood still for an instant but it was not she, and he swayed where he stood, under the agony of reaction, dazed by the rushing recession of emotion.
Then a sudden fear seized him that she might have come while he had been away. He had been as far as the avenue. Could she have come?
But when he arrived at his door he had scarce courage enough to go in. She had a key; she m
ight have entered. Had she entered: was she there, behind the closed door? To go in and find the studio empty seemed almost more than he could endure. But, at last, he went in; and he found the studio empty.
Confused, shaken, tortured, he began again his aimless tour of the place, ranging the four walls like a wild creature dulled to insanity by long imprisonment — passing backward, forward, to and fro, across, around his footsteps timing the dreadful monotone of his heart, his pulse beating, thudding out his doom.
She would never come; never come again. She had determined what was best to do; she had arrived at her decision. Perhaps his letter had convinced her, — had cleared her vision; — the letter which he had been man enough to write — fool enough — God! — perhaps brave enough…. But if what he had done in his madness was bravery, it was an accursed thing; and he set his teeth and cursed himself scarce knowing what he was saying.
It promised to be an endless night for him; and there were other nights to come — interminable nights. And now he began to watch the clock — strained eyes riveted on the stiff gilded hands — and on the little one jerkily, pitilessly recording the seconds and twitching them one by one into eternity.
Nearer and nearer to midnight crept the gilded, flamboyant hour-hand; the gaunter minute-hand was slowly but inexorably overtaking it. Nearer, nearer, they drew together; then came the ominous click; a moment’s suspense; the high-keyed gong quivered twelve times under the impact of the tiny steel hammer.
And he never would hear her voice again. And he dropped to his knees asking mercy on them both.
In his dulled ears still lingered the treble ringing echo of the bell — lingered, reiterated, repeated incessantly, until he thought he was going mad. Then, of a sudden, he realised that the telephone was ringing; and he reeled from his knees to his feet, and crept forward into the shadows, feeling his way like a blind man.
“Louis?”
But he could not utter a sound.
“Louis, is it you?”
“Yes,” he whispered.
“What is the matter? Are you ill? Your voice is so strange. Are you?”
“No! — Is it you, Valerie?”
“You know it is!”
Works of Robert W Chambers Page 553
