Burn, Baby, Burn

by RJ Blain

  “Angels are assholes.”

  Why did everyone have to laugh at my suffering?

  “Come meet your new dog, Chief Quinn,” Amanda ordered.

  When she issued orders, she meant business, so I obeyed without further complaint. It wouldn’t do any good to fight it.

  I’d already lost the battle and the war, and everyone knew it.

  Bailey

  A blend of shit traffic and snow cost us three hours, but we arrived in Atlantic City without incident. After so long in New York, the quiet streets creeped me out.

  “It’s so empty,” I whispered.

  “Without the summer tourists, it becomes a ghost town,” Perkette replied with a shrug. “The hotels and casinos are on a skeleton staff, the boardwalk is closed, but the strip clubs stay open year round. That leads me to a very important question: men, women, or both? Lap dances or no lap dances?”

  What had I gotten myself into? “I have transformatives in my purse. And my pocket.” And in my cleavage, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. After my misadventure involving my kidnapping, an incubus, and a warehouse, I always kept a stash of pixie dust and transformatives in my cleavage. “If anyone other than Quinn tries to get onto my lap, I’m transforming and lighting him on fire.”

  “It could be a woman on your lap.”

  “I will light her on fire, too. I’m an equal opportunity pyromaniac.”

  “They don’t touch you when they dance, and I won’t take you to a brothel. There’s a line, and brothels are not on the right side of the line. At least without our husbands. And your husband? Well, he’d probably faint before making it through the door. Angels and brothels don’t get on too well.”

  “Unless a member of a triad is retrieving their demon from the brothel,” I countered. Just three weeks ago, Quinn had gone to a brothel to retrieve the angel, the incubus, and their wife from a cranky succubus who’d wanted the incubus for herself. “He goes to brothels as needed for work.”

  Perkette shot me a glare. “If your man went to a brothel, that means my man went to a brothel, and that means my man went to a brothel without me.”

  “For work, Perkette. For work. He didn’t work the brothel, I promise you!”

  She cackled. “Well, maybe you’re not quite as innocent as I feared.”

  Nope, I was really as innocent as she feared, and I knew it. Quinn knew it, too—and he enjoyed teasing me and driving me crazy every single day. Instead of answering her, I grunted.

  “Come on, it’ll be fun. They won’t touch you unless you want them to.”

  “I will light the entire club on fire.”

  Perkette snickered. “Pose with a stripper for your chief? I’m sure we can find a lingerie store. His demonic side will adore it. His angelic side will have a freak fit, but those incubus genes will kick in and you’ll have a great night.”

  That I would. Every night with Quinn was a great night. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m not intentionally stripping in public.” The first time Quinn had seen me naked, I’d been fresh off a napalm bender and collapsed against him. He still twitched if I even mentioned Wall Street.

  He didn’t need to tell me he loved me. All I had to do was mention the day he thought he’d sent me into a contaminated building to die. He told me anyway, as often as possible, to make it clear he meant it.

  I wasn’t as good at using my words, so I communicated with him the only way I knew how. Perkette was right. I was at least half the reason I didn’t get enough sleep.

  “No wonder it took an incubus in disguise to evict you from the virgin pool. Fine. You don’t have to strip. How about a picture with a succubus?”

  Narrowing my eyes, I considered her question. I’d been around enough succubi to be almost comfortable with them as long as they kept their kinky sex magic to themselves—and they usually did. My magical ball and chain helped with that. “But what if the succubus is related to Quinn?”

  “It’s even funnier that way. Come on. Live a little. It’s a great prank. I’m not asking you to sleep with them. It’s just a few pictures. What could possibly go wrong?”

  I pointed at myself. “I’m called the Calamity Queen for a reason. We’re somehow going to end up in jail. Again. Well, you are. I don’t pull your stupid shit, so I just tag along to make sure you don’t stay there.”

  “You can afford my bail.”

  “I like how you automatically assume you’re going to jail.”

  “The last time I went to a strip club, I spanked a bouncer because I was drunk and he was hot.” Perkette giggled. “I do stupid things when I’m drunk. By the way, you’re driving tonight. I’m going to get so drunk we go to jail.”

  “Remember how I said there’s no way anyone would make me a cop? This is why. You’re going to get us thrown into jail before we get to Vegas.”

  “General holding until we sober up. Not an actual offense.”

  I’d almost learned how to tell Quinn no over the past few months. Almost. “No.” It worked so well I tried again. “No.”

  “Come on, Bailey,” Perkette whined. “Live a little.”

  Why had I thought sleep was so important? What had I been thinking, agreeing to travel with Perkette? Then again, our initial planning had lacked strippers and alcohol. “No.”

  “You’ll have fun, I promise. You can record the entire night if you want. We won’t do a single thing that’ll show up on your permanent record.”

  I’d been around enough troublemakers to recognize one hard at work. “And what about your permanent record?”

  “I enjoy community service and find general holding highly amusing.”

  “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you have more issues than I do.”

  “Thank you for noticing.”

  Quinn

  I’d worked with enough lycanthropes to recognize a wolf when I saw one, and from the tip of her nose to the tip of her tail, the puppy was pure wolf. “Really, Amanda? A husky wolf-dog? Anything else you’d like to sell me along with some oceanfront property in Arizona?”

  “How about a raise?”

  “Depends on how good you are at selling me this ‘husky’ wolf-dog. This is a wolf. This is a very young wolf.” The puppy sat on my foot and stared at me with adoring eyes. “And she’s sitting on me.”

  Arnold Falhavert, the lead trainer of the precinct’s dogs, laughed. Knowing him, he laughed in my face, well aware I’d be taking the puppy home with me. “It’s a measure to counter Mrs. Chief Quinn’s inexperience on the force. The puppy is a gift.”

  “From whom, exactly?”

  “Me,” my great-grandfather announced from right behind me. “Her name is Sunny, and she’s Bailey’s wolf, but she’ll give you plenty of love when you’re feeling needy. Consider her a belated wedding gift. Mr. Falhavert agreed to help with training, but you’ll find her a quick learner. Next year, her fur will shed to a lovely golden color.”

  “When a divine sneaks up on me and brings me a wolf, I worry. That the divine happens to be a relative worries me less but still worries me. Grandfather must be the angel in question?”

  “The other dogs would be frightened of your bride, and she has enough issues.”

  While true, I considered taking a few swipes at my great-grandfather over it. I restrained myself. My great-grandfather always wielded the truth like the weapon it was, and fighting him over it wouldn’t win me anything. “Mrs. Chief Quinn braided coral snakes together last week. She’d adore a chance to groom your fur.”

  “No.”

  “Anything I need to know about Sunny?”

  “Of course. I’m sure you’ll be kept busy figuring it out. Do say hello to your bride for me. Sunny already knows Bailey’s scent in both of her forms.”

  Of course the wolf did. “How’d you manage that?”

  “I cheated, of course.”

  Of course. “Thank you. Why now?”

  My great-grandfather, with no care I was in the pol
ice station and supposed to be managing everyone present, ruffled my hair. “Your bride will inevitably need Sunny when she loses her way. It’ll happen the first time. My present to you won’t make much sense now, but I ask that you trust me. When your bride loses her way, don’t fear. She’ll return. Some journeys she must travel alone, and for all your talents and magic, you can’t hold living flame in your hand.”

  I tensed at the memory of Bailey igniting 120 Wall Street. Reconstruction had already begun, but I avoided the place, unable to forget the moment I’d almost lost her. “Again?”

  “Again. She’ll be fine. You’ll panic, of course. That’s what you do when it comes to your bride, but she’ll be fine. Sunny will help her home.”

  “Are you trying to help or make me worry even more?” If my great-grandfather was trying to induce an anxiety attack, he was doing an admirable job. I didn’t suffer from them often, but without fail, Bailey had something to do with them.

  “A little of both.”

  “You’re a terrible great-grandfather.”

  Anubis grinned and displayed his sharp teeth. “Sunny isn’t truly a wolf, but she’s not a golden jackal, either. You’ll find her suited for Bailey, second only to you, so try not to become too jealous.”

  Sunny panted and nuzzled my leg. “I’m jealous she’s getting a dog.”

  “Sunny will get jealous of most other dogs, although she’ll accept a certain individual with no fuss. She can share, somewhat. How about a cat?”

  “Will the cat like Bailey more than me?”

  “Inevitably.” My great-grandfather smiled. “You’ll be fine.”

  “It’ll still be my cat.”

  “Lion, tiger, panther, or other?”

  “I can’t keep a large predator in my house.”

  “I’ll find you a small one.”

  Why was I even talking to my great-grandfather? All of my relatives were lunatics, especially the divines. Saying so had never done any good in the past, but I couldn’t resist the urge to reply, “You’re insane.”

  My great-grandfather chuckled. “You make this so much fun. Sunny might appreciate some company of the feline bent. I’ll ask around the family.”

  What had I done? “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

  “Of course. Do watch over young Samuel, Sunny. He’ll be almost as much trouble as your ward. Do try to be patient with him. He’s a most unreasonable human when it comes to his bride.”

  “I’m supposed to be unreasonable. She’s my wife!”

  “Yes, yes. We’ve heard this many times. Ah, Perky?”

  Hah. Bailey had corrupted my great-grandfather. I’d have to reward her for that later.

  “Sir?” Perkins asked.

  “I took the liberty of calling in a prescription for a human-suitable chill pill for little Samuel here. Do pick it up after you acquire Sunny’s things. He’ll need it.”

  My great-grandfather vanished.

  Everyone stared at me, Perkins included.

  “It’s only partially his fault I qualify to be your chief,” I complained. “And if you could forget this happened, I would really appreciate it.”

  “No wonder Mrs. Chief Quinn blushes if I ask her if she had a good morning. You must be a beast in bed.” Amanda smirked. “Enjoy your vacation, sir.”

  “You’re a terrible woman, Amanda.”

  “But I’m a fantastic cop and a better self-defense instructor. Still. That explains a lot.” Still smirking, Amanda wandered away, waving as she went. “Happy holidays.”

  I sighed, bent over, and picked up Bailey’s new puppy, who licked my hand and wagged her tail. “Happy holidays. Make sure everyone plays it safe while I’m gone.”

  “Always.”

  “Falhavert, email me with everything I need to care for Sunny, please.”

  “Of course, sir. I’ll leave basic instructions for her initial training. We’ll start the real work after you’re back to work. For now, your job is to bond with her. I’ve been told she’s already bonded with Mrs. Chief Quinn, so you need to work on your relationship with Sunny. It should be easy, as she already likes you. Keep a firm hand with her. She’s going to be assertive and demanding, so you need to make certain she knows you’re still the boss of the relationship. I suspect Mrs. Chief Quinn will have an easier time, as we’ve already established that Sunny is serving as her protector. You need to establish how your partnership will work. But, as long as you handle her correctly, she’ll make an excellent companion and partner.”

  “How young is she?”

  “Young enough she still gets some special milk with her raw meat. Honestly, she just likes it, but it’s good for her. Her diet is more specialized than a regular dog’s. You can wean her off at any time—or don’t, as you choose. I’ll have her basic supply list sent to you in a few minutes.”

  “This is going to cost me a fortune, isn’t it? The instant you said raw meat, it became clear my great-grandfather staged a successful ambush of my wallet.”

  “You’re doomed,” the trainer confirmed.

  “I’m trusting you with Bailey,” I informed Sunny. “You have one job, so please don’t screw it up.”

  Sunny licked my hand.

  Chapter Four

  Bailey

  The next time I agreed to go anywhere with Perkette, I’d get drunk before leaving the house. Within five minutes of arriving at the strip club, the bouncers called the cops, and for once in my life, I bore zero responsibility for the turn of events.

  “It’s a strip club,” Perkette protested. “I’m stripping.”

  To make it clear she wasn’t stripping but had successfully stripped, she waved her shirt over her head.

  I considered popping a transformative and braving the snow. “Perkette.”

  “What, Bailey? Don’t crush my dreams. I’ve always wanted to be a stripper.”

  “Ma’am, would you please put your top back on?”

  I gave the bouncer credit; he kept his tone professional and didn’t stare at Perkette’s lace-covered breasts. “Hey, Perkette?”

  “What?”

  “Where did you get that bra?”

  “Victoria’s Secret. And don’t you even think about cracking that stupid joke. Can’t you see I’m busy adding indecent exposure to my rap sheet?”

  I’d have to pay bail, which would notify Quinn of our misdeeds in Atlantic City. “If this trip ends with my divorce, I’m taking you out with me in a blaze of glory.”

  “Burn, baby, burn!” Perkette whipped her shirt over her head again. “Live a little, Bailey.”

  “I haven’t had enough alcohol for this.” Or napalm. At the rate my night was going, only both would do.

  “I need a count of indecent exposure. I already told you this.”

  “And I have to witness this why?”

  “You’ll take pictures and pay my bill.”

  The pictures would make good ammunition later, so I snapped a few with my new phone. “Why am I paying your bail?”

  “You adore me. You’re just too shy to admit it. I also take you out for good coffee. As your husband foolishly trusts me, he doesn’t worry about you during our outings.”

  “You’re a terrible, manipulative bitch.”

  A pair of cops strode in through the front doors, and Perkette tossed her shirt at me. Moments later, her bra landed on my head. “Good evening, gentlemen!”

  The next time I needed sleep, I’d go to the doctor and request pills. It’d be more effective, a lot saner, and far cheaper than going on a road trip with Perkette.

  I sighed. “I’m so sorry for her.”

  The bouncer laughed. “Don’t worry about it, ma’am. This happens every few weeks, and it’s usually an officer’s wife left alone for a little too long.”

  “Her officer works in Manhattan.”

  “The rush of freedom got to her, obviously.” The bouncer stared at Perkette’s breasts. “I think I need to get that bra for my wife.”

  I removed Perkette�
��s bra from my head and read off the model number. “My suggestion? Get two or three and wait for a good sale.”

  “Are you going to snap and strip, too?”

  “I haven’t had enough alcohol for that.” I wrinkled my nose. I hadn’t had any alcohol at all.

  “That’s a pity. She’s pretty, but you’re in a league of your own.”

  I worried the poor bouncer had been dropped on his head as a baby. I still had a lot of scars on my face from a cell phone bomb, though they mostly resembled freckles. Quinn liked them. Then again, Quinn liked every part of me, and he wasn’t afraid of proving it. “My officer is her officer’s boss.”

  “Should you decide to snap, please come here.”

  Yippee. I had the attention of a man, and he wasn’t my husband. Since popping a transformative and lighting the place on fire would cause everyone, especially Quinn, trouble, I kept my irritation to myself. I had to somehow deal with Perkette and her misdemeanor-collecting ways, which meant I needed to deal with the cops.

  Again.

  “Excuse me, officers?”

  “Wow, Bailey. That’s so polite.”

  “I hate you, Perkette.”

  The cops stared at me, exchanged glances, and the younger one, who reminded me of the cadets who’d just gotten their badges, asked, “Ma’am?”

  “Where’s the station so I can bail her skank ass out?”

  They humored me with smiles, and the young one said, “Would you like to follow us to the station, ma’am?”

  “Yes, please. Thank you.”

  I needed a gold star. A few months of marriage to Quinn had transformed me into a functional adult. Miracles could happen, and with some investigative work, I could likely figure out which one of Quinn’s relatives held responsibility.

  Quinn

  The house was dark and quiet, and the instant I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the lack of warmth I associated with Bailey’s presence. “She’s not here.”