by Anna Stone
“Look, I really like you, Mel. I care about you. And I want to be with you. Isn’t that enough? Aren’t I enough for you?”
“Kim…”
“If you really cared about me, then something as stupid as a label wouldn’t matter.”
No. Mel wasn’t going to let Kim turn this on her again. Mel steeled herself. “I can’t do this anymore, Kim. I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you without really being with you.” Mel got up. “I’ll go see the RA tomorrow about moving to a different room.”
“Wait, don’t leave.”
Kim’s voice tugged at Mel’s heartstrings. She almost lost her resolve. But Mel had caved to her too many times before. She opened the door and left the room.
Mel was sitting in the common room a few hours later when the text came. Will you be my girlfriend?
Kim rolled over onto her side and faced the wall. Mel’s stomach sank. Kim was in one of those moods again. This seemed to happen more and more these days.
“Is everything okay, Kim?” Mel asked.
“I’m fine.” Kim curled up into a ball. “God, why are you always asking me that?”
“Because you don’t seem fine. And you’re shutting me out again.”
“I’m not shutting you out. You’re just too suffocating. God, why are you so needy all the time?”
“I’m not-” Mel sighed. “It’s just that, you say you love me, but you don’t act like it. Sometimes it’s like you’re only using me for sex. Which doesn’t even make sense since the way that you act after we have sex makes me think you hate it. And you hate me.” Mel’s voice quavered.
“How can you even say that? I’m the only person who has ever stuck by you, who has ever loved you, and this is how you repay me? After everything that I’ve done for you? I agreed to be your girlfriend just for you, for god's sakes.”
“You won’t even let me tell anyone that you’re my girlfriend. We’ve been together for six months! And our friends don’t even know about us,” Mel said.
“We’ve talked about this. You know how my parents are. If they find out, they’ll disown me! Or worse. Is that what you want?”
“No, but-” Mel took a deep breath. “I’m tired of this, Kim. I’m tired of all the fighting. I’m tired of you lashing out at me. I’m tired of all the guilt trips.”
“Me? You’re the one who’s always trying to make me feel guilty. You’re the one who’s saying that I don’t love you. How do you think that makes me feel? I’ll never be enough for you, Mel.”
“Is it really asking that much to have my girlfriend tell me she loves me once in a while? Or god forbid, show me some affection? I have needs too, you know.”
“You want me to tell you that I love you every minute of the day and dote on you all the time? I’m not your mother, Mel. It’s not my problem that she never did all those things.” Kim scoffed. “And these ‘needs’ of yours? You mean all that perverted shit you’re into? It doesn’t take a shrink to figure out why you’re so messed up.”
Mel winced. This wasn’t the first time Kim had used things that Mel told Kim in confidence against her. “That has nothing to do with this!” She threw her arms up in the air. “This is pointless. I’m not putting up with this anymore.” Mel turned to leave.
“If you walk out that door, it’s over. You’ll never be able to find anyone who loves you like I do.”
Kim’s words hit Mel hard. But she held firm. Mel stormed out the door and slammed it behind her.
She spent the next few days avoiding Kim. Which meant going back to their dorm room as little as possible. When they did run into each other, Kim simply pretended that Mel wasn’t there. That was fine with Mel. She wasn’t surprised by Kim’s behavior. Kim probably thought it was only a matter of time until Mel came crawling back. But as far as Mel was concerned, it was over between them for good.
One night, she came back to her dorm after spending most of the day in the library. She hoped that Kim was asleep since it was so late. But when she opened the door, Kim was sitting on Mel’s bed. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were wet with tears.
“I’m sorry Mel,” Kim said, her voice cracking. “I didn’t mean those things I said.”
Mel stood rooted in the doorway. “Kim, I-”
“I need you, Mel!” Kim began to sob. “You’re not going to leave me, are you? I can’t live without you.”
As Mel looked into Kim’s pleading eyes, her resolve shattered. “Kim.” Mel sat down on the bed next to her girlfriend. “I’ll stay. But things have to change. We can’t go on like this forever.”
“I’ll do better, I promise.” Kim buried her face in Mel’s chest. “I love you, Mel.”
“I love you too.” Mel hugged her tight.
Mel watched Kim pack the last of her things. Summer was finally here. Everyone was looking forward to it, except for Mel. She was anxious about being away from Kim, especially considering how strained things had been between them for the past few days.
Kim cleared everything from the top of her desk and dumped it into a box with a loud thud.
“Is everything okay, Kim?”
“Yes,” she snapped.
They sat in silence as Kim packed the last of her things. Mel had felt like she was walking on eggshells all week. Was Kim upset about going home to her overbearing, conservative family? Or had Mel said or done something to set her off?
“So you’re still coming to visit over the summer, right?” Mel asked. Mel wasn’t looking forward to going ‘home.’ Kim’s visit was the only thing she had to look forward to.
“Yeah, about that…” Kim sat down on the bed a few feet away from Mel. “I don’t think we should do this anymore. We’ve let things go far enough.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“You know, this. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s run its course.”
Mel at Kim blankly.
“Come on, Mel. This was never serious. You had to know that.”
Mel’s stomach dropped. She knew where Kim was going, but she refused to believe it.
“Of course you didn’t.” Kim rolled her eyes. “You only saw what you wanted to see. Think about it.”
Was she right? Mel thought about all the times Kim had been hot and cold. How she’d pushed Mel away over and over. How she seemed to only care about sex. Had Mel had ignored all the signs because she was in love with Kim? “No.” Mel finally spoke. “No. You told me you loved me a hundred times. You can’t tell me that wasn’t real.”
“I only told you that to get you off my back. Hell, I only agreed to be your girlfriend so you’d stop bothering me about it. It was just so hard to say no to you when you were always so sad and needy all the time. I didn’t feel like I had a choice.”
“Are you saying you were with me out of pity?”
“Don’t look at me like that, Mel. Like I said, it’s college. I wanted to experiment. Everyone does this. But I’m not actually into girls. Not that way. You’ll probably grow out of it too.”
“You’re wrong, Kim. This isn’t a phase for me. I like girls. I always have. And I love you!”
“Maybe you really do love me. But I never loved you. You knew that. You even said it to me yourself.”
No. Could it be true? Had their entire relationship been a lie?
“I’m really sorry, Mel…”
Kim’s words all hit Mel at once. She started to cry. Kim was the first girl she’d ever loved. And now, like everyone else in Mel’s life, Kim was throwing her away like she meant nothing.
“I gotta go, my ride is leaving soon. I’ll see you around, okay?” Kim got up from the bed and left Mel sobbing in their empty dorm room.
Chapter Twenty-One
Mel sat next to Vanessa in the back seat of Vanessa’s Mercedes. As soon as she’d returned from her trip, Vanessa had taken Mel to dinner at one of the restaurants she owned. Now, they were on their way to Lilith’s Den, for the first time since that night so long ago.
Butterflies filled Mel�
�s stomach. She was excited. But at the same time, she felt a sense of unease. Since Mel’s conversation with Rose, the woman’s words had played over and over in her head. The time and distance from Vanessa had only made her insecurities fester.
“Are you all right, my pet?” Vanessa asked.
“I’m fine,” Mel said. The way Vanessa called her ‘my pet’ rankled her now.
Vanessa’s phone rang. Mel tensed. Was it James calling to tell Vanessa about Rose? Mel had kept her word to him and hadn’t said anything about it to Vanessa. Had James called to tell her already? Even if he had, Mel doubted that Vanessa would mention it to her.
Vanessa looked at her phone. She silenced it and shoved it back in her purse. It definitely wasn’t James. Vanessa always picked up his calls. It had to be another of those mysterious phone calls that Vanessa always ignored. It was happening a lot lately. And they seemed to get to her even more. At times Mel would find Vanessa gazing off into the distance, her forehead lined with concern. Like right now.
“Is everything okay?” Mel asked.
“Yes.” Vanessa snapped out of her trance. “Everything is fine.”
“Are you sure? You seem worried.”
“Yes. I’m fine.” Vanessa’s lips were pressed together in a straight line.
Mel wasn’t surprised. Vanessa never confided in her in the past. Why would things be any different now?
Vanessa turned to Mel. Her worried expression had been replaced by a hungry look. “I have quite the night planned for us.” She slid a hand along Mel’s thigh.
Vanessa hadn’t told Mel what this elaborate scene she had planned involved. Keeping Mel in the dark was all part of Vanessa’s game. And Mel couldn’t deny how much the suspense thrilled her.
But Mel couldn’t help but notice the timing of Vanessa’s shift in mood. Did Vanessa only need Mel to satisfy her need for control? Mel could think of someone else who only needed her for sex. Kim.
Mel pushed the thought out of her mind. Kim had been abusive. Mel knew that now. And Vanessa definitely wasn’t. But Vanessa had said from the start that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. Neither was Mel at the time. But as they’d gotten closer, Mel had found herself wanting more. And Mel thought Vanessa did too. What if she was wrong? What if she really was just a toy to Vanessa?
They pulled up out the front of Lilith’s. Once they were inside, Vanessa took Mel up to The Scarlet Room. She gave her usual spiel about safe words and trust, and they went inside.
The room looked the same as the last time. But now, there was a high-backed wooden chair in the middle of the room. A small table sat next to it, with a black leather bag on top. Mel recognized the bag. It was the same bag of toys that Vanessa had taken to the hotel room on Mel’s birthday.
“Take a seat.” Vanessa gestured toward the chair.
Mel sat down. Vanessa pulled a long piece of black cloth out of the bag. Within seconds, it was around Mel’s eyes. Vanessa drew the back of her fingers down Mel’s cheek. Mel could feel Vanessa’s breath and the heat of Vanessa’s face, just inches from her own. Her lips parted. Vanessa brushed them with her fingertips, then pulled away.
So it was to be a night of mind games designed to drive Mel into a state of frustration. It was working—but not the way Vanessa intended.
Vanessa traced a finger down to the collar around Mel’s neck. “You’re all mine tonight. What should I do with you?” Vanessa rifled around in the bag, then dropped something onto the table with a metallic clink. “First, I’m going to make sure you can’t escape from that chair. But what then?” Vanessa reached into the bag again.
A buzzing filled the air. A vibrator? Vanessa drew it down Mel’s thigh, sending vibrations through her. Mel’s hairs stood up on her skin.
“I could torture you with pleasure until you begged for mercy. Or—” Vanessa brushed something along Mel’s arm “—I could punish you with this.”
Was it a flogger? Mel liked the sound of that. She wanted something physical. Something visceral. Something to drown out everything else she was feeling. She knew it was wrong. But she didn’t stop Vanessa. She wanted to feel the rush to take her mind off everything.
“Is that what you want?” Vanessa trailed the flogger along her thigh.
“Yes,” Mel replied.
“‘Yes?’ Yes, who?”
“Yes, Vanessa.”
Silence filled the room. Neither of them moved.
“No.” Vanessa pulled the blindfold from Mel’s eyes.
Mel squinted in the light. “I didn’t say to stop.”
“I don’t care.”
Mel let out a frustrated groan.
“Velvet,” Vanessa said.
Mel froze. She had never once used her safe word. But it had been drummed into her head that it meant that everything stopped. She sighed. She knew that Vanessa had been right to end things. This all felt so wrong.
Vanessa went over to the bed and sat down. “Come. Sit.”
Mel obeyed. Tension hung in the air. And now, it wasn’t just coming from Mel.
“Melanie.” Vanessa’s voice shook. “What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing.” Vanessa wasn’t the only one who got to refuse to share her feelings.
“Fine. If you don’t want to talk, then you’re going to listen. Because this? Whatever it was that you just pulled? It’s unacceptable.”
“Unacceptable? I’m not a child, Vanessa,” Mel snapped. “Don’t speak to me like one.”
“Are you sure? Because you’re behaving like a child right now.”
Mel knew Vanessa was right. But she remained silent.
“Christ, Melanie!” Vanessa got up and started pacing next to the bed. “This isn’t a game! You know better than to come in here like this. Angry. Reckless. Do you have any idea how dangerous all of this is? Especially if you’re in the wrong state of mind?”
All the feelings that had been festering inside of Mel began to boil over. “You’re the one who’s always using this as an outlet for dealing with your own goddamn problems, whatever they are. Do you think I haven’t noticed that every time you get upset, you assert your dominance over me in order to feel better?”
Vanessa’s face turned red. “That’s different, Melanie, and you know it. I’m in control of myself at all times. Right now? You’re clearly not. And that makes people do stupid things. Like push themselves harder than they should. Like ignore their limits. That’s how accidents happen, Melanie. That’s how people get hurt.”
Mel felt a pang of guilt.
“And you do not pull this shit on me. Do you have any idea the position you’re putting me in? I was about to cuff you to a chair for god’s sake. I had a whip in my hands, Melanie. Do you have any idea how easy it is for me to hurt you if we’re not careful?” Vanessa’s voice shook. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to live with that sort of guilt?”
“I just-”
“Just what, Melanie? What could possibly make you behave this way?” Vanessa crossed her arms. “Well? Tell me.”
“Is that an order, or do I have a choice?”
Vanessa’s eyes filled with hurt. “When have I ever made you feel like you don’t have a choice?” Vanessa sat down. “Melanie. Talk to me. What’s the matter?”
Mel spat out the first thing that came into her head. “Those phone calls you keep getting. Why won’t you tell me what they’re about? Why are you so touchy about them?”
“What? That has nothing to do with you.” She looked at Mel with narrowed eyes. “What’s this really about?”
“You’re always keeping me at arm's length. You never let me in. And you expect me to become vulnerable to you time and time again, but you never give me any of yourself.” Mel couldn’t stop her thoughts from spilling out. “You’re always going on and on about trust. Do you even trust me?”
“Melanie-”
“Or is this all just a game? Do I mean nothing to you?”
“What makes you think that? Where is this comin
g from?”
“Do you care about me at all? Or am I just some toy, like Vicki said? Something for you to use up and throw away? Just like all the others?”
The color drained from Vanessa’s face.
“Just like Rose?”
Vanessa recoiled.
And Mel knew that she had gone too far.
“Get out,” Vanessa said coldly. “Now.”
Mel ran out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. Somehow, she found herself out on the street. Elena was waiting outside for both of them. Mel streaked past her, her eyes full of tears, ignoring Elena’s yells.
When Mel got home, she took off the necklace that Vanessa gave her and tossed it deep into the bottom drawer of her dresser.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Mel stood by the bar at The Lounge. It had been two weeks since that fight with Vanessa. Two weeks, and Mel hadn’t heard a thing from her. That was long enough for Mel to know that things between the two of them were damaged beyond repair.
Mel didn’t even want to repair them. Not after the way Vanessa had treated her. Mel knew she wasn’t innocent in all of this. But Vanessa? She had kicked Mel to the curb, then had disappeared. After three days, Mel’s regret overwhelmed her. She’d pushed her pride aside and called Vanessa, fully prepared to apologize and talk things out. But it rang and rang until it went to voicemail. Mel didn’t try to contact her again. If Vanessa wanted to talk to her, she would. But she didn’t even try.
Mel should have known that it was all too good to be true. She was done. She’d gotten this far in life on her own. She didn’t need anyone else.
“That’s it,” James said. “I can’t stay out of this any longer.”
