‘Dad, don’t forget we’re taking DJ out for dinner tomorrow after he gets his exam results. I want it to be a special day for you too. We’ll go early and stop for breakfast half way to Cambridge, is that all right?’ Gordon nodded. ‘There’s something else.’ Shelly sighed, then bit her lip and stared out to the magnificent oak. The yellow council wagon pulled up.
‘Come on, spit it out,’ Gordon said. ‘At worst I can say no.’
‘I’ll be so sad to see that tree go. It’s been there all my life.’
‘All mine too, but that branch might have killed somebody, might have killed a whole family . . . how would you feel then?’
She nodded. ‘I suppose you’re right. Listen, I’d very much like to spend Sunday with somebody special, but I know you’ve got a race the next day and want to be back. If I drive you to the station in London, and get you onto the Dover train, do you think you could get a taxi home?’
‘Let me think about it, all right? I’ll let you know later.’
*
DJ got a first in every exam, and when she heard, Shelly found her eyes fill with tears of pride. She was so excited to see him. She and Gordon had offered to take him out for dinner at a restaurant in the heart of Cambridge, and DJ had shyly asked if he could bring a friend with him.
DJ was already there when they arrived, sat beside a young woman. He appeared nervous. He took the girl’s hand and turned to Shelly. ‘Mum, this is my best friend, Lilly.’ He turned to the beautiful young woman. ‘Lilly, this is my mother, Shelly Summer.’
Shelly smiled.
‘I’ve heard so much about you, Ms Summer, it’s wonderful to meet you at last.’ Lilly blinked her baby-blue eyes that smiled from beneath pale lashes.
‘Call me Shelly, please. Well done both of you for finishing your first year of university’ She turned to DJ. ‘I couldn’t be more proud, and if your father was here, he would be shaking your hand and congratulating you too.’ Suddenly filled with affection for her boy, she felt comfortable sharing a personal memory with the girl he clearly adored. ‘DJ’s father. There was a tragic diving accident before DJ was even born.’
At that moment, Shelly realised a small miracle had taken place. For the first time in her life, she had spoken about David, the accident and her son, without so much as a tear or a tremor in her voice. All she felt was love, and pride, and hope for the future.
Gordon, who was sitting next to Shelly, grabbed her fist and squeezed tight. ‘We’re all right proud of yer, DJ, lad. Me included. An’ I’m right sure yer dad is too. How could he not be?’ His eyes met Shelly’s in an emotionally charged moment.
DJ took Lilly’s hand. For a second, they gazed at each other and then returned their attention to the meal. In an instant, Shelly knew their first boy-child was destined to be named Dave. She smiled, filled with joy as she realised they would one day make her a grandmother. Could she live up to the standard that Gran Gertie had set? She would try. DJ’s child, just the thought was overwhelming. A voice from the past echoed in her mind.
I come from a long line of Davids.
*
At ten o’clock the next morning, Shelly checked out of her hotel room. She had deliberately hung back to avoid the others. Deception did not come easily to her.
She had hardly slept, yet as dawn broke, she came to a decision that had eluded her for so long. Was she doing the right thing? She hoped so. The choice had been difficult to make, but she had to consider other people’s lives. She was doing the right thing, she was sure now. This decision, the terrific burden of holding someone else’s future in her hand had pressed heavily on her recently, especially since DJ had come into her life. However, after seeing her son with the young woman he loved, and after hearing the poignant words of Gran Gertie’s first tape, Shelly knew her decision was correct.
DJ and Lilly should not be burdened with the past, and any parent who loved their child wouldn’t want him overwhelmed by things he couldn’t change.
*
After putting her father on the coach at Dartford, she headed towards Epping Forest. By the time she entered the rich woodland area, relief replaced those last niggling doubts. She had to stop the car, and let her tears go. In her mind, she spoke to Gertie, and to David, and then to her mother. With an overwhelming sense of relief, she confirmed she was doing the right thing.
Twenty minutes later, she pulled up in the drive of a majestic Victorian building. Grabbing her handbag, she got out and from the car boot, she lifted a white M&S bag that contained a complete new outfit. Bright, happy, casual clothes, although this regular occasion always broke her into little pieces. The gravel crunched as she walked away from the car.
Simon, her long-time friend and owner of Dover Divers, was reading his newspaper in the porch. He stood, took her into his arms and kissed her cheeks.
‘How are you?’ he asked softly.
She nodded. ‘You know how it is, a bit emotional. DJ has just finished his first year at university. I so wish . . .’
He put a finger on her lips. ‘I know. Shall we have some coffee first? Do you want to sit and talk for a while?’
She shook her head. ‘I’d rather go straight to the room, if you don’t mind, Simon.’
‘I understand. We’ll talk after.’ He took her into his arms again and held her tenderly, rocking gently from side to side. ‘I wish things could have been different, Shelly. I know it’s only once every two months, but it’s hard enough for me to handle our meetings. God knows how you’ve managed to accept the situation for so long.’
‘It’s love. Such a wonderful thing, but it also beats us up terribly.’
Simon opened the heavy oak door and Shelly went through, as she had every first Sunday of every other month for the past twenty years. ‘I’ll wait out here,’ Simon said.
Shelly didn’t hear him, her eyes were fixed on the overweight, middle-aged man at the toy table, his face, soft, rounded, and line free. A face that had seldom laughed or cried and had not known the frown of worry for twenty years. Shelly pulled a chair up and sat next to him.
‘Hello, David.’
He cocked his head sideways, but didn’t turn to look at her. He was trying to push a yellow brick into a triangular hole in the lid of a bucket. The brick was square.
‘It’s Shelly, David. I’ve come to tell you about our darling son. We had a baby boy, nineteen years ago. I told you, but you may have forgotten. His name’s David John, like you. He comes from a long line of Davids, you know; though everyone calls him DJ.’
She bit her lip hard, her heart breaking, smashing into tiny pieces, yet she forced a smile. Longing to take his hand, touch his cheek, kiss his ear – yet she knew better. She picked up a triangular brick and placed it in front of him. He stared at it for a moment, then picked it up. After a few attempts, the brick clattered into the bucket, yet he remained emotionless.
‘I’ve been on holiday, David. I went diving, to one of the most magical wrecks in the world. I always go diving, just for you, so I can tell you about it. This dive reminded me of our holiday together, when I was sixteen. I wonder if you remember any of that, at all. If you do . . . any little thing, me . . . your friend, Simon, who is outside right now, how happy we were?’ Once again, she bit on her lip to clamp a threatening sob, then smudged a rogue tear away.
‘Dear David, Simon came with us on that holiday. You got the tickets really cheap off Teletext, for you, Roger and Simon, but Roger came down with mumps, remember? Please try and remember. Poor Roger! I ended up going in his place. Oh my, as I said, I was only sixteen so it was a real adventure. I’d been so sad, so full of guilt because my mum had been killed going for my Christmas present on Christmas Eve.
‘I was in love with you, desperately, head-over-heels in love, and you pulled my leg about it all the time. But in truth, I knew you were in love with me too.’
She watched his hands for a moment. ‘Do you remember, you got that busker with the guitar at the airport t
o sing, “She was Only Sixteen”, and you twirled me under your arm. “She was Only Sixteen” became our song.’ She sang the first lines, staring at his face. ‘It’s still our song, my darling David. It always will be.’ She swallowed hard. ‘I wish you could hold me for a moment, just once. One hug. One.’
David picked up a cylindrical brick and tried to push it through the triangular hole.
‘When we landed on the island of Paros, we got a bus from the airport to the town centre. Do you remember the promenade, that gorgeous little white church with the brilliant blue dome? And the big windmill with a thatched roof, David? Oh, those huge sails of white canvas, just next to the ferry port. Someone had painted PAROS CORNER in big blue letters on the wall behind the windmill. We lugged our cases onto another bus which took us to a beautiful little village on the edge of the sea . . . what was it called now?’ She stared at him, her mind begging for him to say the word, or even glance up and acknowledge her. ‘Naoussa, yes, I remember. How amazingly beautiful it was. All the pavements painted like crazy paving. Narrow alleys. Such a magnificent white church that towered above the village.’ She recalled the scenes they’d enjoyed so much. ‘We slept together, all night in the same bed, for the first time . . . for the last time. I remember snuggling up to you and thinking it was the happiest moment of my life, and it was.’
A nurse came in and asked if she would like a cup of tea. Shelly shook her head and returned her attention to David as she left.
‘You made me get up to see the sunrise, David, you were crazy to photograph it. At first everywhere was a little dull and grey, and the air was so still, as if the world was holding its breath. Everything changed when that huge sun came over the horizon. What a drama, magnificent, the world turned golden, the water, the sky, Oh, my goodness, the sun moved so quickly. I wanted it to stop, wait for me to catch up. Does that sound silly? I’ve never forgotten that morning, my first sunrise, David.’
She swiped her tears away, sniffed, and forced a smile. ‘Please, just look at me if you remember it. Just glance my way if you know who I am.’
He stared at the brick in his hand, turning it over and over and rocking back and forth slightly.
Exasperated, she said quietly, ‘Then we stood on our heads and ate giant slugs.’
A reaction, something, please, oh, David, please. One small thing, just a glance, and then I’ll come back!
Nothing, not so much as a pause or frown. She might as well not be there. The time had come.
‘David, I have something important to tell you. I saved somebody’s life, recently, and it seems to have changed me. Like the event restored a kind of balance to my own life, and now I can move on and stop living in the past. I’m sorry to tell you, David, I’m not coming back. I realise you won’t miss me, and that you don’t even know who I am, but I felt I had to come and tell you myself.’ Even now, she longed for the smallest response, anything, please, even anger. There was nothing, and that nothing weighed so heavily on her, she gave up trying to hold back the tears that now ran freely down her cheeks. ‘You’ll always be in my heart, darling David,’ she sobbed. ‘You see, true love never dies. I’ll continue to cover your extra costs here, but I do need to move on. I have learned the hardest thing is to let go, but I must.’
He took the block from her hand and tried to push it through the round hole.
‘Our son, and I suspect in not too many years, our grandson, will also need me. And as for myself, I think I’ve found love again, after all these long, lonely years.’
Shelly turned and stared out of the window, seeing nothing but a blur of green through the tears that were still falling. After dragging one of Gordon’s big white hankies from her handbag, she dried her eyes and blew her nose.
‘Sorry about that. I really want to give you a hug, hold you close to me and kiss you – and the pain of not being able to – not once for twenty years, is more than I can take, David. Do you understand?’ She sighed, frustrated. ‘No, of course you don’t, and perhaps it’s just as well. So goodbye, my darling; be as happy as you can be.’ She stood and watched him for a moment, his attention never wavering from the coloured bricks and the bucket.
*
Outside the care home, Shelly allowed the tears to run freely down her cheeks. She cried until her broken heart was completely drained, then she hurried into the Ladies just inside the entrance and tidied herself up. Simon had gone in to see David, as was their routine. Shelly had an appointment with the Matron, and told the woman that she was not coming back, but she would continue with David’s upkeep expenses.
‘A wise decision,’ Matron said. ‘To tell you the truth, Shelly, your visits confuse him, and he’s unsettled for a couple of days after you’ve been.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘It had to be your decision. We’ll let you know if there’s any change, so you never have to worry about him, and you can still visit if you ever change your mind.’ She picked up a pen and turned it over in her hand. ‘There comes a time to stop living in the past, Shelly. If David understood, which he can’t of course, he wouldn’t want you to hold back. He loved you, still does in his way, so go and live a happy life while you still have time.’
*
Back home, Shelly slumped into a chair and wondered if she had the energy to listen to another of Gran Gertie’s tapes. She thought about DJ, then David in the home. One day, she might tell DJ about David. Perhaps she would bring him with her to see him, if he wanted to. But not yet. It was too great a burden for a boy so young. She decided to tell Dad of her decision tomorrow, but for the moment, she owed herself a large glass of red, and perhaps she would listen to ten minutes of Gran Gertie.
Her great-grandmother’s strength of spirit had helped Shelly to come to this difficult decision today, and she was grateful. She glanced at the window. Light flooded in now that the big old oak tree had gone. Her spirits lifted; she must search for some acorns in the morning and pot them up. A new beginning.
CHAPTER 46
GERTIE
Dover, 1917.
MOTHER WAS NOT FEELING VERY well the next day, but as we had already invited several people for afternoon tea, and Father had adjusted his busy schedule, he decided we should go ahead. He persuaded Mrs Cooper to abandon her chores and, along with her two daughters, serve afternoon tea, sandwiches and cakes to our guests. He had also invited Mr Hammersmith, the dentist, for reasons I didn’t understand.
Everyone arrived within minutes of each other at three o’clock and I greeted them in the front garden. When my eyes fell upon Corporal Perkins’s handsome face I almost forgot to breathe. I had forgotten how charismatic he was. Now, to see him in a smart suit, he appeared to be a gentleman of some standing and his slight limp only added to his allure.
‘Thank you for coming,’ I whispered, remembering I had kissed him. ‘We welcome your presence at the house for refreshment.’ Despite my self-consciousness, I relaxed in the knowledge that I could draw from his affection, so long as he did not remember what happened on that terrible day. Had my selfishness no bounds? My insides were in knots, and my mind desperate for something, someone, to cling to.
‘I thank you for inviting me,’ he said, lifting my hand to kiss the back. He went on to speak to Father, and although I spoke with Matron and Nurse Josephine, I was conscious of the Corporal’s every move, as I suspected, he was of mine.
Matron was very astute. ‘Decorum, Miss Smith.’
I pushed my shoulders back and stood taller. ‘Yes, Matron. Sorry, Matron, I lost control for a moment.’
‘Forgivable under the circumstances,’ she said kindly. ‘Corporal Perkins is an exceedingly handsome young man. I’m sorry to hear your mother is not well enough to join us.’
Corporal Perkins was never far from my side. I was distressed by the reporter drifting from one to the other, asking questions, being polite, and I guessed hoping to catch somebody off guard. He came to my side, and so did Perkins when he caught my worr
ied glance.
‘Do you know that to go against military orders, as the person who opened the portholes did, is regarded as mutiny . . . a hanging offence, Gertie?’ Perkins said.
I clutched my neck. ‘No, don’t say such a thing, Corporal! I’m upset enough thinking about that terrible day.’
‘Somebody has to pay, that ship cost over two million pounds,’ the reporter stated. ‘Please excuse me, I must speak with the Matron.’
In one swift movement, Perkins sat beside me on the sofa and peered into my eyes. ‘Darling Gertie, how would you feel if I asked your father’s permission to walk you out?’ he said quickly, grabbing the moment.
‘What do you mean? You’re not making sense.’
‘Gertie Smith, I would go down on one knee if I could. You know that I love you with all my heart, and I hope, one day, you will do me the honour of becoming my wife?’
‘Corporal Perkins, this is hardly the right place or time! I can’t think.’
He lifted my hand to kiss the back, then he noticed the dolphin ring. ‘Why are you wearing a ring on your wedding finger?’
Surprised by the sudden cold tone to his voice, I answered. ‘Oh, erm, yes, it rescues me from unwelcome advances, from male patients.’
‘Am I making unwelcome advances?’
‘No, of course not. Also, it’s a dolphin, to remind me of my rescue on that terrible day when we all almost died.’ My thoughts went to Manno and our afternoon in Syros when he gave me the ring. With burning cheeks, I remembered his words: You are mine, agapi mou!
‘I can see I’ve embarrassed you, Gertie. Do forgive me,’ Perkins said. ‘Become my wife and I will tell the world it was not you that opened the portholes. Do you understand?’
Oh dear! In a flash I saw a solution to all my problems. I was a traitor, a Judas, selling Perkins out for deliverance from these scandalous accusations. Allegations that were true. Yes, I did open the portholes, but I was determined to deny it, difficult as that was. This was not only for my own good, but for Merriberry who had been so supportive to me and would surely lose her job if the truth came out.
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