by Natalie Lue
THE NO CONTACT RULE
by Natalie Lue/NML, the writer of baggagereclaim.com
KINDLE EDITION. BRITISH ENGLISH EDITION.
Copyright © Natalie Lue 2013
Natalie Lue asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
Published by Naughty Girl Media | Cover design by Lulabird Creative
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Table of Contents
MY STORY
MODERN WORLD, MODERN BREAKUP
UNDERSTANDING NC & ASSESSING YOUR SITUATION
GETTING TO GRIPS WITH THE CONCEPT OF NO CONTACT
40 SIGNS THAT NC IS A NECESSITY
HOW TO DO NC
LOW CONTACT & TRICKY SITUATIONS
CO-PARENTING
CO-WORKING
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY… MONEY!
LEGAL STUFF
THE GET OUT PLAN
FANTASY RECOVERY
DEALING WITH THREATS
CUTTING OFF A NARCISSIST
UNDERSTANDING THE DYNAMIC
NC BREAKS UNHEALTHY HABITS
CAREFUL OF THE BAIT & SWITCH
UNDERSTANDING LOSS
IT’S A LOSS
YOU WILL RECOVER FROM THIS
IT’S NOT A WASTE - CHANGE THE MEANING, CHANGE THE FEELING
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE NC
BUCKLE IN
BUT SERIOUSLY, HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?
WHAT YOU’RE LIKELY TO BE EXPERIENCING AT THE OUTSET
WHAT YOU’RE LIKELY TO BE EXPERIENCING ONCE THE INITIAL DUST HAS SETTLED
WHAT YOU’RE LIKELY TO BE EXPERIENCING ONCE YOU’RE IN A ROUTINE
UNDERSTANDING THE NC GRIEF STAGES: DENIAL
UNDERSTANDING THE NC GRIEF STAGES: ANGER
UNDERSTANDING THE NC GRIEF STAGES: BARGAINING
UNDERSTANDING THE NC GRIEF STAGES: DEPRESSION
UNDERSTANDING THE NC GRIEF STAGES: ACCEPTANCE
GETTING THROUGH GRIEF
DON'T SCRATCH THAT ITCH
UNDERSTANDING YOUR COMPULSION TO MAKE CONTACT
RESISTING IS PERSISTING UNHEALTHILY
KEY FEARS THAT TRIGGER THE DESIRE TO RETURN TO THE RELATIONSHIP
STOP TRYING TO CONTROL THE UNCONTROLLABLE
BOOBY TRAP - I FEEL SO REJECTED!
BOOBY TRAP - SEEKING VALIDATION & UNDERSTANDING
BOOBY TRAP - LURED BY NOSTALGIA
BOOBY TRAP - GREAT EXPECTATIONS
THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCE OF AN UNHEALTHY DYNAMIC OR WAY OF BEING IS NC
MOVING FORWARD
STAYING FOCUSED ON MAINTAINING NC
REBUILD A LIFE WITH MEANING - FOCUS ON YOU
YOU MAY FALL OFF THE WAGON BUT JUMP BACK ON IT
For B.
MY STORY
When I finally decided to cut contact with a Mr Unavailable (emotionally unavailable man) who also had a girlfriend, I also had the unfortunate predicament of working with him. Unlike all the other times when I’d told him it was over – had yelled, and ranted, raved, and no doubt shrieked like a banshee - this time, it was done with no fanfare simply because I couldn’t take the embarrassment of yet another thing I’d sworn that I didn’t follow through with.
After overhearing him cooking up an alibi with my friend’s boyfriend outside my bedroom door, I suddenly realised that after eighteen months of bullshit, I’d had enough and that not only was he most definitely not ‘my man’ but that I would rather be miserable on my own. Despite the fact that he could offer me no more now than the day we’d become involved, he had a huge stranglehold over my life. Emotionally, and even healthwise, I’d hit rock bottom.
Breakups are bad enough and when you have to do it with a work colleague, it’s even trickier but for the sake of my sanity and for my own self-respect, I just had to cut contact and distance myself from him. First came me saying that I was busy for lunch, shocking him as we used to have lunch together as often as possible. Then followed me saying that I was busy that evening and ignoring his calls and texts. Of course emails followed and what with us working together we crossed paths, but I kept myself distant and polite, and tried not to get drawn into anything. Without realising it, I was attempting to teach him that I wasn’t going to do what he expected anymore – instead it would be a case of No Contact and setting boundaries, although I didn’t even know that this is what it was. It was instinct, gut and self-preservation.
It’s also important to note that as we weren’t in a ‘proper’ relationship – after all it’s pretty difficult to break up with someone who’s already in a relationship with someone else – I had no choice but to let my actions do the talking. I’d kept waiting for him to do the decent thing and spare me from any more pain by walking away but I realised, he was never going to do the decent thing; I had to do it.
The following week, I’m pretty sure that he expected things to return to normal, but they didn’t, and week after week after week passed. At times it was agonising. I’d pace my flat close to tearing my hair out as I wondered if I’d made a mistake, whether I’d been too hasty, too demanding, too a lot of things, but I gradually realised that I didn’t miss the drama and feeling like second best and cold turkeyed it out.
The times when I was tempted to cave often coincided with something else stressing me, or the sting of rejection making me want to avoid the truth of our involvement. I didn’t want to see myself. Reaching out seemed like the perfect solution because I’d fantasise that he was afraid of getting in touch with me because I’d cut contact with him. I’d imagine that I would get in touch and he’d be delighted to hear from me, apologise profusely and announce that he was going to leave his girlfriend. But, every time these thoughts crossed my mind, I’d remember not one, not two, but countless examples where he’d disappointed me and I just couldn’t face feeling that way again.
It was hard and along the way there were several major confrontations, normally caused by him getting drunk at an event, getting jealous, professing his love and then admitting that his situation hadn’t changed.
Just before lunch one day, he managed to catch me on my own and quizzed me about a guy from work who I’d had an entirely innocent conversation with.
“I’m not talking about this. I’ve told you to leave me alone!” and I walked away from him. Feeling a bit deflated, I decided to go to Pret a Manger and grab some lunch. I admit I was wondering if I was being too harsh on him. Heading back to the office, I froze, open mouthed in shock, when I spotted this fool coming out of our building with a bunch of flowers walking towards his girlfriend less than ten minutes after he’d accosted me. It was all I could do not to grab those flowers and ram them up his arse!
This incident toughened me up and restored my resolve. It also no doubt helped to limit the pain when I bumped into him in a club while I was out with a group of friends – including a platonic male friend from work. He threw a major tantrum and accused me of all sorts of things, only for me to see him a while later dancing with his girlfriend (who I hadn’t known was there) and she had on an engagement ring.
I moved on to someone else (another Mr Unavailable but there’s a whole other book on that) which admittedly helped to distract from the hurt.
When I finished it with him, I spent more time focusing on me and managed to avoid falling off the wagon a few times… and then I finally did, almost a year after starting No Contact. I instantly regretted it and got right back on the NC saddle.
I could have agonised over what had, in effect lasted all of a few hours, but I realised that while I would have preferred not to have slipped up, the experience had actually only cemented my reasons for cutting contact in the first place. It empowered me to continue and move on. I didn’t have to wonder “What if?” or ponder the Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas. And from that moment onwards, what little power he thought he’d had evaporated. I never looked back because I knew what was there.
I knew that I was no longer No Contact and was in fact just Living My Life when one day it occurred to me that I’d stopped anticipating whether he’d get in touch or wondering what was going on with him and his girlfriend.
To be quite frank, I just didn’t give a shit anymore. He knew it too – his attempts were becoming half-hearted and he was increasingly wary of creating more conflict. He ended up having to see me with dates at social engagements where we had mutual friends, and to eventually see me happy with someone else. This was major progress considering that I’d believed that I couldn’t be happy with anyone else and that he was my ‘last chance’ at love when I’d first initiated No Contact. I mistook the source of my misery for also being the sole source of my happiness.
One of the things that I learned through being in a number of relationships and cutting contact was that in or out of the relationship, I was creating my own pain. I’m not saying he or any of my other exes weren’t doing what they were doing, but in terms of how long I stuck around, what I put up with, how receptive I was, and my own relationship habits, that was all me. This turned out to be very empowering knowledge because I realised that I could also be in charge of creating my own happiness.
He’s not the only man I’ve had to cut contact with; my past is littered with texts, emails, letters, dropped calls, instant messages, voicemails, and nostalgic calls that I’ve either fallen for, or had to ignore for the sake of my own sanity. My life has moved on dramatically since those days, but every day through my blog Baggage Reclaim (www.baggagereclaim.com) and also my book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I still help thousands of people recognise that they have to cut contact and teach the object of their misguided affections to expect something different from them, so that they can move on and be free of destructive relationships.
I’ve written The No Contact Rule because there are so many people trying to work their way out of the pain and gain some understanding about their situation. I only wish that I’d known then what I know now and this book will support you through this difficult time. This is inspired entirely by what I learned through my own experiences as well as those of the many thousands of readers I’ve come across and helped over the past eight years. While your pain is unique to you, take some comfort from the fact that the situations, when they’re boiled down, are very much the same.
Many people have said that I’ve acted like the friend they wish would talk straight with them and this is my no holds barred guide to understanding the act of cutting contact with someone who you just can’t seem to break up from.
If you fear the pain of breaking up and are also afraid of what you may or may not do when confronted with certain situations when you think you might be helpless or weak, this book is for you.
If you’re afraid that they might suddenly change and you won’t be there to reap the benefits, this book is definitely for you.
Breaking up can be tough but it’s gotta be done to sever ties with a relationship that’s not working. You also cannot treat yourself with love, care, trust and respect if you remain in a situation that depletes you of these things. Nor can you open the door to better times and a better relationship if you don’t close the door on this relationship and stop looking back. At some point, and better sooner rather than later, you’ve got to move forwards and allow the distance to grow between this situation and you. That time is now.
MODERN WORLD, MODERN BREAKUP
Back in ‘olden times’, which is basically the time before mobile phones, email, online dating, instant messaging, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn etc, breakups were still hard but a lot simpler. If someone wanted to dip in and out of your life at will, they kinda had to put in a lot more effort, as technology didn’t give them the type of lazy access that so many enjoy in today’s modern dating world. Yep, you heard me right – lazy access.
I love technology but I don’t like its impact on dating, especially as it makes the emotionally distant, lazy and opportunistic even more distant, lazy and opportunistic, allowing them to play havoc with the lives of the people they’re involved with by creating an illusion of interest that doesn’t exist, or at least not to the level that we believe it to be. In olden times you could quickly differentiate between effort and crumbs. When you broke, you broke, and if you wanted to know what they were doing (and vice versa), you had to pick up the phone, send a letter or lurk around outside their home, work or around their friends.
Many modern breakups are ambiguous and tortuous because we can remain connected to an ex in so many ways and there’s all this ‘let’s be friends’, ‘let’s touch base’, ‘I don’t want to look immature by defriending’ and other such bullshit. Next thing you know, months or even years have gone by and it occurs to you that your life hasn’t moved on because you’ve been too busy dealing with an ex, who incidentally, may even have started their own new relationship in the meantime. We’re now so casual about relationships that some people don’t even want to date, they want to casually date and then some want to have a casual breakup where they pretty much get to continue on as is without the commitment.
Breakups are about ending relationships and what many people are afraid of is actually breaking, letting go and moving on.
I’ve heard from so many people who are struggling with breakups because they can’t bear the idea of being done, even if it’s so done, it’s like trying to breathe life back into a corpse. It’s never been more acceptable to manage down your expectations and to essentially keep offering up everything but the kitchen sink in the hope that the person will change their mind and decide to love you and commit. There’s this fear of finality and there’s definitely a pervasive fear of getting it wrong and losing out on your ‘investment’. It’s being scared that you’re never going to speak to them again or that you’re going to be forgotten, the fear that you’ve misjudged a situation (that you’ve actually judged correctly), and the fear that they might spontaneously combust into a better person in a better relationship… without you.
This is why so many want to breakup but just end up leaving their proverbial door open so that their ex can keep their foot in it just in case it turns out to be a mistake. But this also positions them as a backup option.
Breaking up is hard and while there are a number of factors that can make it difficult, like low self-esteem or the other party not respecting your wishes, the pain is felt mostly by people who are unable to recognise that they have to suffer the short, possibly even medium-term pain to feel the long-term gain. This is made even more difficult when you’re actually trying to move on but the other party won’t leave you alone. This means you don’t get the chance to grieve the relationship so that you can move on. In fact, you’re likely to deduce that if they’re still sniffing around, it’s because they want the relationship as much as you do, they just don’t know how to go about it.
I’m not saying that breakups weren’t difficult back in the day, but our parents, for example, did not have to put up with half of the bullshit manoeuvres that we do, simply because societal acceptance of casual relationships and technology weren’t there to be taken advantage of. They may have discussed things, decided to end it and then gone their separate ways. If one of the parties wanted to pursue, they had to pick up the phone, write a letter or, heaven forbid, get on
foot and go and see them face-to-face. Their options were limited whereas now, there are too many options that enable people to dodge real communication.
The modern-day breakup is now accompanied by a series of lazy communication manoeuvres that don’t really communicate very much at all other than the fact that the person sending them is lazy and scared, and that they perceive the person on the receiving end to be ‘low maintenance’. From my own experiences and those of readers, it’s clear that after a series of discussions, the breakup happens, then the one line texts, or tentative emails, or calls at 2 am in the morning start. I have readers telling me how they end up staring at a text or email for hours trying to decipher what was meant and why it was sent. I kid you not when I say that some of these texts say stuff like “Great match tonight”; “I hope you’re not still mad at me…”; “How crap is this weather today?”; “Check out this joke…{lame joke follows}” and even “Hi”.
After months of hearing nothing, a random, often pathetic joke email or text turns up and this is supposed to trigger something from the recipient. Unfortunately, often it does, because this ‘new way’ of doing things has us believing that attention is attention. Often we’re so excited to hear something, anything from the person we’ve been involved with, that we don’t stop and think about the quality of this attention and what their latest behaviour means in the wider context of the relationship.
I’m going to be real with you; if you were going out with a semi-decent person, they’d have enough empathy to realise that when people break up, they need a little, or even a lot, of space to have a chance to breathe, grieve the relationship and get over it.
