by Natalie Lue
This period of NC is for reconciling any illusions you’ve been under with reality. Distancing yourself from this person will not only neutralise the effect of your interest/their actions but it will also enable you to find happiness with both of your feet on the ground and your self-esteem in tow.
Can’t We Just Be Friends?
It’s not long after the words have been uttered that render your relationship over, that some form of request for friendship will be made. It’s almost as if we have all received some sort of relationship training that makes people the world over trot out the words as a form of consolation that hopefully dilutes the strained discussion and makes you look a better person in their eyes. It’s like “Hey. I know I’m done screwing with you, but what the hell? Let’s be friends because I’ll feel like less of a prick if you say yes…”
Truth be told, most people don’t really mean it when they say that they want to stay friends. It’s just the polite thing to say.
Hell I’ve said it to almost all of my exes and lo and behold, I don’t keep in touch with any of them and I haven’t sought to add them as a friend on Facebook! Not only is it very difficult to go from holding hands to platonic friends but you don’t do it as a follow-on from a breakup. In order to break up, there needs to be a BREAK. There needs to be distance and time to allow each person to heal and move on. This time can’t be spent playing best mates with one of you acting like you feel less than you do.
The only people that can be friends after having a relationship are those that feel nothing romantically for each other, are no longer emotionally invested, and there has been a healthy distance between you to allow you both to move on. This is not you. At least not yet. You might think you’re ready, but if you stay friends right now, it’s because you want to be validated, you want to keep an eye on them, and you’re secretly hoping that they’ll POOF! turn into the perfect partner and all of your previous troubles will be washed away.
Friendship is a mutual relationship between friends.
If it’s not mutual, you’re not friends. If you have an ulterior motive, you’re not friends. If you’re not over them yet, you’re not friends. If it’s about your ego, you’re not friends. If it would bother you if they were involved with someone else, you’re not friends. If you’re keeping yourself as an option, you’re definitely not friends. If this whole friendship thing is a way to avoid doing right by yourself, that’s laziness and it’s not a healthy friendship. If you don’t think that a friendship will be there if you have space, you’re not friends and you’re afraid that if you don’t please this person now and cater to their ego, that you will ‘miss out’ and then someone else will get a better version of this person in a better relationship. Enough.
I’m not suggesting that you can’t ever be friends but make up your mind about what you’re doing here because there are millions of people out there kicking themselves for allowing friendship to be used as an ‘open sesame’ to be treated like a doormat. Take the break, do the work on yourself and if a friendship is going to happen between you, it will happen organically and be a genuine friendship. If a few months go by and you’re still trying to pursue a friendship, it’s a sign that you’re not ready yet because they’re still a priority. If this relationship was abusive in any way though, it’s time to call curtains on it and let it go. You need clean, healthy relationships and you don’t need to collect trophies of all of your exes. If you’re really intending to move on, you have to think about what place your ex really has in your life. You’ve both had your time. Whatever it was meant to be, it’s been. Let it be.
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There are other aspects of your life where you will find that while you can’t cut contact completely, for instance with family, a friend, the mother/father of your child etc, you can do something that you should be doing anyway, which is teach them how to treat you and what they can expect from you moving forward by having and enforcing boundaries. I cover some of this in the book because toxic and difficult relationships don’t always come in standard breakup flavour.
Whether you’re in or out of a relationship or feeling as if the walls are closing in due to everyone taking advantage of you, the foundations of NC are incredibly empowering if you follow through and believe in yourself. It’s important when embarking not only on NC but on moving forward with your life and treating yourself with love, care, trust and respect even where others fail to, that you plan for success not failure. Believe that you can close the door on this painful relationship so you can open the door to a better future.
40 SIGNS THAT NC IS A NECESSITY
Over the years of helping people to evaluate their situation and recognise when No Contact is needed, I’ve come to recognise the very typical feelings and situations that are being dealt with. If you agree with just one of these statements, it’s highly likely that you need NC. If you agree with any of these statements or even a number of them and have previously tried to end this relationship, or are even trying to be their ‘friend’ as a means of auditioning for the relationship hot seat, or you’re trying to negotiate a reconciliation, are sleeping with them, or are finding it difficult to cope with the rejection, cutting contact is imperative.
1.This is one-sided. My feelings are not reciprocated but I am still hanging around.
2.This relationship is conducted on their terms. If I attempt things my way, I’m met with objections, stonewalling, silence, disappearing or hostility.
3.I feel as if I’m losing my mind in this relationship. In fact, other areas of my life have suffered greatly as well.
4.I’ve tried to break up but they just won’t listen, or I keep going back.
5.I’ve asked them to give me some space – they persist in attempting to contact me despite repeated warnings to stop.
6.I’m considering taking out a restraining order. Another person might describe what they’re doing as stalking.
7.They blow hot when I tell them that it’s over or that things are not working, and then gradually, or even rapidly ease down to lukewarm or even cold.
8.There’s an absence of love, care, trust and respect. I’ve had my trust breached.
9.I’m engaging in at best, embarrassing and at worst, humiliating behaviour.
10.I feel as if I’ve been rejected several or many times but I keep going back.
11.It feels as if I have a compulsion/addiction to this person and I keep returning to the relationship even though I consistently end up disappointed.
12.I have little or no boundaries in the relationship and our dynamic relies on this. If I had more boundaries they wouldn’t be around.
13.They’re a Future Faker, faking a future with me to get what they need in the present and I’ve been caught out by their fakery on a number of occasions.
14.I regard this person as an assclown, someone who treats me with little or no regard and is using me to serve their own needs.
15.They are devoid of empathy and do not care about the impact of their actions or words on me. In fact, they’re actually a diagnosed narcissist/sociopath/ psychopath.
16.They’re not a diagnosed narcissist but they have behaved in ways such as devaluing and discarding me after intense pursuit and interest, having a harem, turning friends and family against me, and having delusions of grandeur that is more than enough to leave me highly concerned about continuing my involvement.
17.I am afraid of this person. They’ve threatened to harm me/loved ones/ possessions.
18.I’ve experienced verbal, mental, sexual, physical abuse.
19.I have totally forgotten who I am, my values, my boundaries, what my needs are, my hobbies, family, friends etc. I’ve become isolated by this relationship.
20.We dated for a relatively short period of time but I’ve been very affected by their actions/our involvement ending.
21.They play the victim and I constantly battle with guilt even though I haven’t done what I’m being accused of.
22.We’ve broken
up several times.
23.We’ve broken up at least once before for similar reasons.
24.They promised that things would change after the last breakup but it’s gone back to normal. (They may even have done this several times.)
25.When we’ve been broken up before, they kept trying to sleep with me.
26.If someone else were describing this ‘relationship’ they ‘might’ call it a booty call or even say it’s not a relationship.
27.They’re trying to continue seeing me even though they’re seeing someone else.
28.I used to be the girlfriend/boyfriend and now I’m the Other Woman/Man.
29.They’re attached/married, have promised they’d leave several times, but haven’t, but aren’t prepared to end this.
30.We work together and I’m finding it difficult to establish a professional footing, to fend off their advances or to cope with my hurt.
31.They’ve told me that they don’t want a relationship or that they’re not interested, or even that they’re never going to want a relationship but I won’t accept it.
32.They’ve actually said to me that I should cut them off for my own sake.
33.We’re separated/divorced but they’re still trying to control me and even think they’re entitled to sleep with me or disrupt my life via our children.
34.I want to move on but I don’t know how to.
35.I have contemplated ending my life or have even tried to because of my struggles to overcome this relationship.
36.I’ve been seriously contemplating taking revenge (or already have). In fact, they’ve taken out a restraining order/threatened to.
37.I’m essentially stalking this person on/offline. I’m all over their Facebook page/driving past their home/secretly accessing their email/trespassing on their property etc.
38.One or both of us are dealing with dependency on a substance or compulsive behaviour, making ours a very codependent relationship.
39.I feel guilty about ending our involvement and worry that they’re going to do something to themselves if I don’t remain in contact with them but we cannot have a relationship either.
40.Our involvement falls into the fantasy relationship category where it was a crush/virtual (primarily online/texting) relationship and I’m very attached to them and it’s wreaking havoc on my life.
I’ve dealt with people who actually agree with almost all of these statements for one relationship. Code red alert! If you’ve acclimatised to high-level drama and what is actually severe levels of stress in your life, you are normalising poor relationship behaviour that in some cases may be dangerous or even life threatening. You might be saying to yourself that you can ‘handle it’ or believe that you know better. You don’t. Don’t let the first time that you take seriously how toxic this relationship is be when you’ve destroyed your sense of self, or even worse, when your life is in danger.
The above situations and feelings are not what love looks like – it’s a list of pain, danger and abuse. While No Contact may seem like a hardcore act of self-preservation to undertake, it will take you far longer to get over this relationship without it, than it would have done if you’d slammed the breaks on yourself and committed to the process of loving and living with your self-esteem in tow.
The Practicalities
HOW TO DO NC
No Contact involves taking control of your end of the communication channels and removing or minimising the opportunities for contact to be made or received. This not only protects you from disruption by the other party, but it also protects you from making contact in the heat of the moment that you will ultimately go on to regret. Taking preventative measures now means that you will also hopefully need to go to a considerable effort to break contact should the inclination grab you, which will hopefully help you to think carefully before you act.
Remember, you need to start regarding the lines of communication as triggers and cues that you have responses to.
They call, you tend to pick up, but you also pick up because you have an emotional response tied to this hope that they might have changed. They text and no matter how ridiculous the content, you feel compelled to reply and part of this is due to the thoughts and fears attached to the perceived consequences of not replying, with little regard for the actual consequences of replying. By limiting or even removing some of the communication channels, you get to adapt your responses while getting a clearer perspective due to having the space to do so. Whilst you can adapt it a little (see later in the book if you’re working together, have kids etc), the suggestions that I make in this chapter are what I highly recommend for starting and maintaining No Contact. From whether to let them know that you’re going NC, to dealing with Columboing on Facebook, to how to deal with pesky emails and even those worries about the homemade porno, I’ve got you covered.
Should You Notify Your Ex That You’re Going NC?
Many people who familiarise themselves with what NC involves, very quickly become paralysed by the question of whether they should let their ex know that they’re cutting contact.
Why do we want to give them a heads up? Partly because we think that if someone just ‘disappeared’ on us that we’d be devastated so we don’t want to do it to them, and yes, it’s also partly due to seeking validation and hoping that pre-warning them may prompt a change of mind and attitude. Aside from the fact that NC isn’t the same as disappearing and that you’re also not the same person anyway, it’s also important to remember that NC is the action part of setting new boundaries, so just like you’ve had to figure out what is going on even when it’s not being spelled out, they do too.
This is one of those situations where you have to use this opportunity to evaluate and process information that you hold on the situation to make a decision that has an overall benefit instead of catering to a short-term or even shortsighted need to cater to your ego or even to theirs.
Once you start NC, it’s pointless, if not somewhat childish, to keep saying to the person, “I’m ignoring you” because if you’re genuinely doing NC, your actions do all of the talking that’s needed. So if you’re going to let them know that you’re doing NC, do it before you start or very soon after (within the first week). After that, leave it alone.
WHAT TO CONSIDER BEFORE NOTIFYING
-- Examine your motives for wanting to let them know, especially if you’re already broken up. If a part of you is letting them know in the hope that they will change or say something to throw you off your NC course, I would take stock of your situation and ensure that you are behind your decision and validating it with specific reasons for why you’re cutting contact.
-- If you’ve been attempting to be friends and it’s not working for you but there isn’t anything particularly shady happening from their end, saying that you’re taking time out and won’t be in touch is understandable.
-- Be clear. If you’re wishy-washy or even dropping hints, you will give out mixed messages which will suggest to the other party that you might want to hear from them. Tell them that you will be in touch when you’re ready to talk and to leave you alone until then.
-- If you’ve previously attempted to cut contact and have let them know, don’t let them know this time. It’s a credibility issue and you won’t be taken seriously even if you feel like you’re so much more serious ‘this time around’.
-- If this relationship was in any way abusive, don’t pre-warn them as it may open you up to further abuse.
THE MESSAGE
If you do let them know and you feel compelled to tell them why, do so by phone (as in using your voice not text) or if you really cannot do this, via email or letter. If you feel in control, face-to-face may be an option. The phone is your litmus test though of how much you really need to let them know, because if you would rather, for instance, send a text message, you’re not really that bothered about letting them know – you’re just ticking a box that relieves your conscience and yes, possibly even looking for attention. You’re a
lso trying to take the easy route that doesn’t leave you as ‘vulnerable’ but if you’re that concerned about protecting your vulnerabilities, not sending a message at all would be the better option.
-- Stick to three key points. Anything else is overkill and heading into Yet Another Big Discussion or Yet Another Opportunity To Tell Them All About Themselves. Bearing in mind that this isn’t a democratic decision and you don’t need their validation, one reason is enough.
-- Keep it short. Don’t send an essay or even a novel.
-- Don’t be mean, as in saying things that are dishonest and disrespectful, or honest but still disrespectful. Meanness (especially written stuff) may give you a reason to feel guilty when you’ve calmed down plus it tends to trigger the need to apologise, which you might then use to invalidate what is actually a good decision to cut contact.
-- Make the reasons ultimately about you. “It doesn’t work for me to continue things in the way that we have been. I need as much time as it takes for me to move past this” is reason enough as is, “When _________ , ____________ and _____________ happened, I felt ___________ and realised _____________.” Obviously if you say stuff like you’re “You’re an asshole” it makes it all about them or if you say, “I’m going NC because you won’t change…” it’s an invitation for certain types of people to jump on the Future Faking roundabout. If they say something, “But what about my feelings?” or “What about what I want?”, it’s important to realise that it’s not your job to babysit their feelings because what you’re doing now is what you need and you’ve already given over more than enough time and energy catering to what they need.
