Can I take the risk of letting Zayne in only to realize that I’m not strong enough and end up pushing him away again, or worse, having him hurt me again the way he’s already hurt me?
In the end, the answer doesn't change. I know that a life like this is no life at all. I want to laugh and love. Hurt and heal. Experience the good moments along with the bad. And even cry myself to sleep in the arms of my best friend when the pain feels too great to bear.
I want to live.
“Yes,” I whisper into the darkness. “He is worth it.”
And he is. He is worth all of it and so much more. But this doesn't have to do with only Zayne. It has to do with Emma and Carver, Becca and Jake, my mom and Ian and Alec. It has to do with everyone in this world that I care about. But most importantly it has to do with me...
Chapter Eleven
“I DON'T UNDERSTAND how you can eat that.” I turn my nose up at the sushi that Alec seems to be thoroughly enjoying.
“You picked this place,” he reminds me, taking another bite of raw fish.
I look around the small Japanese restaurant that resides two blocks from Alec's office. I have never been to a place like this before. Long white tables with low sitting chairs, nothing but blacks and whites decorating the space.
“I did, but in my defense, I had no idea that raw fish was the featured course,” I point out, taking a bite of my salad.
He smiles at me from across our small two person table and shakes his head. “I forget how little you actually know about New York.”
“You mean how little I actually know about anything,” I reply dryly.
“I didn't say that,” he argues, wiping his mouth with his napkin before laying it back into his lap. “Besides, experiencing New York for the first time is always the best. Each day you find new things to discover. I remember when Zayne and I first got here. I felt like I was living in some alternate universe for a good year.”
My heartrate quickens at the mention of Zayne's name and I have to mentally force myself not to show any reaction.
“Yeah, I'm there,” I agree. “I don't think I could do it without Em and Carver.”
“Having someone with you that you know you can trust and depend on is always a good thing. If not for Zayne, who knows where I would be today.” He brushes a lock of hair away from his forehead.
“You two seem very close,” I comment casually, trying not to be obvious that I am purposely fishing for information. I can't help but seize the opportunity to push the conversation further.
“You seem confused by that.” He chuckles.
“Well, I was at first. He seems so closed off and serious all the time. But after I really thought about it, it makes sense. You are kind of that way too. I just don't think I ever really thought much of it because you're my brother and I've known you my whole life.”
He nods. “I know he may not seem like it, but Zayne is a very caring person. He has shown me on many different occasions the sacrifices he’s willing to make for the people he loves. He's been through a lot and he doesn't let people in easily.”
The direction of the conversation has me literally sitting on the edge of my seat. I want so badly to bombard Alec with questions about Zayne, but knowing that I can't, I approach it like I am simply curious and not dying to know everything there is to know about the man.
“What do you mean?”
“It's not my story to tell, baby girl,” he replies with his signature line.
While the answer frustrates me, I can't help but appreciate Alec's ability to stay away from talking about other people's business. It's a quality I wished I possessed myself. Problem is, I am way too nosy.
“Well, what about you?” I ask, cocking my head to the side. He raises his eyebrows, clearly not understanding my question. “You said you wouldn't know where you would be today without him. What did you mean by that?”
“I'm not getting into that with you, Gracie.”
“Why? Because I’m too innocent? Because you think I don't know anything about anything?” I lean back in my chair and lock my gaze on my oldest brother.
For all the things I love about Alec, there are just as many things about him that drive me absolutely insane. Treating me like I never made it past the fifth grade is at the top of that list.
“I appreciate you always trying to protect me, but damn it Alec, I’m not a child. Stop trying to shelter me from everything.”
“Fair enough.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. “When we first arrived in New York, I got a little swept up in the nightlife. I ended up getting caught up in the wrong crowd and before I knew it, I was being tied to some pretty hefty criminal charges. No, I'm not giving you any details.” He stops me before I can ask. “I didn't do anything wrong but I quickly learned that sometimes you are simply guilty by association. Anyway,” he straightens in his chair, “Zayne found a way to clear my name and at no small expense of his own. Ultimately, he had to turn to his dad for help. You don't know anything about his family, but I'll tell you that turning to his dad for help definitely did not bode well with his mother. In fact, they have been somewhat on the outs ever since.”
This news strikes me as odd considering Zayne never mentioned that he and his mother were having issues. I mean, I know all about the rift between his parents, I just didn't realize that the rift extended to him as well.
“So let's just say that when push came to shove, Zayne showed me that I can truly count on him no matter what the situation,” he says, signaling the waiter for the check.
“You're really not going to tell me what happened?” I ask, staring at him in disbelief.
“You know enough to get the gist.” He hands the waiter his credit card when he approaches our table, not even bothering to look at the bill.
“You're impossible, you know that?”
“Last time I checked, you take after your oldest brother more than you realize,” he fires back.
“I guess you're right. Not that I'm complaining. If I have to be like someone, I guess I should be glad it's you.”
After the waiter returns with Alec's credit card, he grabs his suit jacket from the back of his chair and leads me out onto the busy sidewalk. We make small talk as we walk back toward Fredrick Tower, having parked my car in their parking garage.
As much as I want to steer the conversation back toward Zayne, I refrain, knowing that it will raise some major red flags for Alec.
Pulling his suit jacket back on and straightening his tie, Alec turns to me just as we reach the entrance of his building.
“Thank you for joining me for lunch.” He pulls me in for a hug.
“I think it should be me thanking you. But you’re welcome all the same.”
“Same time next week?” he asks.
“It's a date. Only this time, I think I'll let you choose the restaurant,” I say, holding my hand over my forehead to block the sun so that I can see his face.
“You got it.” He nods and winks at me before heading up the stairs, disappearing inside of Fredrick Tower moments later.
I reach my car in the side lot in a matter of minutes but realize immediately that I don't have my keys, having given them to Alec to hold for me on the walk over to the restaurant. Pulling out my cell, I pull up Alec's number on my phone but a voice coming from behind me halts my actions.
“Grace?”
I turn to see Zayne standing feet from me. His body is draped in the sexiest suit I think I have ever seen. I can't stop my eyes from trailing the length of him, not missing how every inch of fabric seems to form to his body perfectly.
“What are you doing here?”
“I... I was having lunch with Alec,” I stutter out, still shaken by his surprise appearance. I hadn't prepared myself to see him, though I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He does work here, after all.
“I see.” He shoves his hands in the pockets of his suit pants. “How are you?” he asks, his eyes meeting mine for the first time.
“Can we not do this, Zayne?” I shift my weight from one foot to the other.
“Do what?” he asks, his words coming out clipped.
“There's no need to stand here and have an awkward, forced conversation. You don't have to talk to me.” I glance down at my phone and then back up to Zayne.
“I know I don't have to, Grace. I want to. Why would you think I wouldn't?” He takes a small step toward me.
“Oh, I don't know. The fact that you have shown up at Vitos on several occasions and haven't even looked at me, let alone spoken to me,” I say, not able to contain the hurt in my voice.
He shifts uncomfortably, then meets my eyes again. “I miss you, Grace.”
I take a sharp inhale, not prepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me full force at his words. Just as I open my mouth to respond, I catch sight of Alec quickly approaching.
“Hey,” I say to him, trying to casually warn Zayne of Alec's arrival.
“Zayne. Grace,” he says, nodding toward Zayne when he reaches us. “What's going on?”
“I was just saying hello,” Zayne responds first, his voice coming out even and casual.
“And I was just about to call you,” I chime in. “I forgot to get my keys back from you.”
“Yeah, I realized that when I got to my desk. Here you go.” He holds the keys out to me.
I step forward and retrieve them from him before turning my attention to Zayne. “It was good to see you again, Zayne,” I say, nodding to him before turning back to Alec. “Thanks again for lunch. I'll call you later.”
“Sounds good, baby girl. Be careful,” Alec says as I climb into the front seat of my car.
I make it a point not to look back at Zayne, but as I pull away and watch the two men disappear from my rearview mirror, I can't help but feel extremely disappointed that our conversation got interrupted.
I can't be sure, but it seemed like Zayne really wanted to talk, and while I know that I should just let things be, I also know that doing so is much easier said than done.
THE WEEKEND DRAGS ON and on and I’m more than a little relieved when Sunday evening rolls around. While I kept myself busy with cleaning and laundry and even managed to lay down a couple of original songs over my days off, nothing quite occupies me the way that work does.
I am fully aware that my anxiousness for the weekend to be over has everything to do with the thought of seeing Zayne tonight. After our conversation got interrupted two days ago, the silence between us resumed and has made me even more impatient for tonight to arrive in the hopes that he will show up again. So needless to say, that by my third set my nerves are completely shot and I feel like I’m sitting on pins and needles.
I begin the set with “Raining in Baltimore” by The Counting Crows. It seems fitting for how I'm feeling. I didn't know how much I had come to depend on Zayne's appearance every night and now that he hasn't showed, I realize that seeing him night after night was pretty much the only thing keeping me going.
I play song after song, stopping briefly between each number to scan the bar and table areas before starting again. By the end of the set, uneasiness has settled into the pit of my stomach.
As if sensing my internal breakdown, Becca has a shot of tequila waiting for me when I approach the bar for my break. I swear she’s trying to turn me into an alcoholic.
“Still no sign of him?” I ask, retrieving the glass in front of me. I wait until she shakes her head no before pouring the contents down my throat. The burn is mild and I immediately ask for another.
“Rough night?” an accented voice comes from behind me right as Becca walks away to get me another drink. I turn slightly to see Thad, the lead singer of Saving Solace, pulling out the bar stool next to me and taking a seat. Like the first time I met him, he's dressed casually in tattered jeans and a t-shirt. He’s absolutely drool worthy.
“You could say that,” I mumble, nodding a 'thank you' to Becca when she places another shot in front of me and a beer in front of Thad.
“It can't be all bad, love,” he croons next to me, turning inward to give me a lopsided grin. “I mean, I'm here after all.” He smiles at the laugh that bubbles from my throat.
Something about this rock star from Ireland makes me feel better, even if it's only the smallest of fractions. Of course, it could be how unbelievably adorable he is or the fact that his voice literally makes me weak in the knees. My heart may already belong to another man, but that does not mean that I am blind, deaf, or dead for that matter.
“Why is that so funny?” He cocks a brow.
“You're very sure of yourself.” I swivel my stool to face him.
“Ahhh.” He takes a drink of beer. “Is that so?”
“Isn't it?” I can’t help but smile.
While tonight has been a pretty low point for me, in walks Thad and suddenly everything feels a little easier to face. Not that Zayne isn't still occupying every thought running through my head, but it somehow seems just a little less consuming.
Thad doesn't answer my question, instead taking another drink of his beer.
“What are you doing here anyway?” I circle my finger along the rim of my still full glass.
“I came to see you, Grace Morgan.”
“Me?” I swallow hard. “Why would you come to see me?”
“Oh, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the night we sang together. You disappeared afterward and left me with a Cinderella story of my very own.”
“Pretty sure I didn't leave any glass slippers laying around.”
“True. But you did run off and leave me with no way of finding you. Well except for here, that is.”
“And clearly you found me,” I say dryly, unable to hold back the smile on my lips.
“I like you, Grace Morgan.”
“You said that the last time you saw me.”
“And it's still true.”
Having no idea how to respond to that, I fall silent, pretending to watch the sports scores on the small television hanging behind the bar.
“You gonna drink that?” He pulls my attention back to where he’s gesturing to the shot glass in front of me.
Without a word, I raise the glass in a silent toast and empty the contents. Returning the now empty glass back on the bar, I turn back to face him.
“Happy?”
He smiles.
I find it nearly impossible to break away from the handsome face staring back at me. He really is very attractive. His shaggy blond hair seems longer than the last time I saw him, his bangs long enough that he pushes them to the side to keep them out of his eyes.
My gaze falls to his one sleeved arm of tattoos, not missing the variety of images scattered across his flesh. There are a couple of tribal designs, a few words, a heart with barbed wire wrapped around it and several other images. Each one somehow blends into the next, making it look like a scene rather than individual images.
Breaking my eyes away from his arm, I look back up to find him studying me intently.
“What?”
“How much longer do you have until you're off for the night?” He gives me another lopsided grin before signaling Becca for another beer.
“I have one more set. I usually finish around one-thirty, depending on the crowd.” I glance at the clock behind the bar that reads a little past midnight.
Becca slides another beer across the bar to Thad, not missing her chance to throw an encouraging wink my way.
I shake my head at her.
“Fancy a ride home?” My eyes slide back to him.
“I walk. I don't live far from here.”
“Okay. Fancy a walk home then?”
“Um, sure,” I stutter out. Immediately, I regret my decision. “Well, I mean, I will probably stay late and help Becca out since Jake is off tonight, so it will probably be a lot later than that. I'm sure you don't want to wait around.”
“If I didn't kno
w any better, I would say that you’re trying to blow me off.” A light laugh escapes his lips.
“No, it's not that. I... I...”
“Relax, Grace. I'm just giving you a hard time. Besides, I don't have anywhere else to be.” He rests his hand on my knee.
The contact immediately causes me to tense, but not because I don't like it. More because I kind of do like it and liking it makes me feel extremely guilty. But then the guilt makes me angry.
I have no reason to feel guilty. Zayne and I are not together and I don't belong to anyone, yet even I know that's not the truth. No matter what our current standing, Zayne has my heart, and while we may never get our chance, it feels too soon to give up all together.
“I should get back up there.” I quickly slide down from my stool. I throw Thad a little wave and head back to the stage.
I manage to get through a handful of songs without looking in Thad's direction. By one o'clock, the only people remaining are Thad and three college aged students grouped at the end of the bar.
Usually when we get down this low, I open my set up to requests. Because my song base is limited, it's the only time I feel comfortable doing it.
“Anything you want to hear, Bec?” I call out through the mic. She pops her head up to look my way and smiles widely at me.
“I think I'm feeling some Justin,” she shouts from the bar.
Knowing exactly the song she's referring to, I nod and begin the opening chords to “My Never” by Blue October. It's one of Becca's favorites and she almost always requests it when given the opportunity.
I glide easily through the song, having played it several times before, glancing up occasionally in Becca's direction to watch her sing along with me. Each time I look toward the bar, I purposely try to avoid looking at Thad, but somehow I always end up meeting his gaze.
As soon as I finish the song, I hear Thad call out from the bar, “Do you know ‘This is Gonna Hurt’ by Sixx: A.M.?”
“Actually, I do.” I’m weirdly excited that he requested that specific song. I immediately begin to play it. It's one of my favorites and I’ve spent hours listening to the acoustic version on repeat.
The Way Back Page 19
