Desperately, Ethan tried to come up with some sort of plan, but he had nothing. Sick dread settled over him, turning his gut. He was going to fail Lily. When the boss eliminated him, he’d be kicked out of the tower without any sort of prize and no keys. That meant he’d have no bargaining power when Red Revolution came to get him, and he might never see Lily again. There would also be nothing he could do to help Kyle, who had been a little dishonest but hadn’t really betrayed him. He was still a cool kid.
The thought of not seeing Lily again really hurt, and so did the idea of failing to climb the tower. He’d put so much time and effort into the climb and had so many great experiences here. Oddly, Ethan found himself caring less about the real-world consequences of his failure, even though they could end up killing him. Huh, maybe his priorities had been scrambled by the blow to the head…
Ethan tried to force himself to focus on the task on hand, but despair quickly overwhelmed him. He’d messed up. This was the end. There was nothing else he could do. Aching hollowness filled Ethan as his mind went painfully numb. It became hard to think about anything but all the stupid things he’d messed up. Maybe if he’d taken things seriously and not trusted Jude and Michael, all this wouldn’t have happened. If he hadn’t been so stupid as to take a blast from a boss to the face, then he wouldn’t have messed up climbing the tower like he had screwed up everything else.
Out of the corner of his eye, Ethan watched the shadows beneath the next obelisk to his right lengthen and deform into a familiar shape. Instantly, a chill went down Ethan’s spine, and the sound of soft whispering reached his ears. The shadow seemed to gaze at Ethan expectantly, as if it was enjoying watching his failure. It seemed hungry for it.
Flinching, Ethan looked away and tried to focus back on the boss. He couldn’t afford to be distracted by shadows. The brain’s one huge eye narrowed angrily as it floated toward him. It reminded him of another virtual character who hated him.
Sighing, Ethan opened his inventory and pulled out the control collar that housed the demon. If he couldn’t think of a solution, maybe it could. It was risky, but he might be able to trick or bargain with the obnoxious thing. He was out of options.
As soon as he let go of the metal collar, the black demon sprang into existence so that the collar was suddenly around its neck.
“What now? I was just savoring your impending death from my comfy perch in my collar,” the demon remarked coldly before glancing toward the approaching boss. “Well, it seems like you don’t have much longer anyway, and on the plus side, I get a closer view now.”
Ethan resisted the urge to hit the virtual pest. “Actually, I’d like to live and was hoping you could help me with that.”
“Er, why would I ever do that?”
“We could do a deal and then I won’t order you to go fight the boss with your bare hands,” Ethan replied dryly.
“We’ve been over this. I’m not programmed to care about my own death, but I was created to hate you stupid flesh bags and mess with you. I’ll probably just respawn after dying anyway.”
“Yet watching you die would fill me with satisfaction and deny you the same.”
“If life were fair, I wouldn’t have been enslaved by an idiot.”
“You know, you’re an incredibly large jerk.”
The demon shrugged. “It’s how I’m programmed.”
“Were you programmed to reply that way?” Ethan asked coldly.
“No, it’s simply the best way to get meat bags to shut up.”
“Are you sure there is nothing you want? I’m rather desperate here to help my friends. You could get a good deal.”
The demon laughed cruelly. “Your friends were all using you. They lied to you and betrayed you.”
“Lily didn’t betray me. She has done nothing but help me.”
The demon shook his head and gave Ethan a pitying look. “She’s keeping more secrets than all the others combined. I can tell. She’s not what she appears, not at all. I don’t think she’s even human.”
“What? That’s nonsense!” Ethan hissed at the creature.
“I don’t lie. It’s not in my programming, and I have senses far beyond your own. The woman you call Lily does not move through the data currents like a human player, and she’s been manipulating you this entire time.”
Growling as rage overcame him, Ethan turned and punched the obelisk behind him. Fury burned through him. Here he was, broken and bloody in a virtual fantasy world where he was about to be ripped apart by a giant floating brain. His everything hurt, despite the painkillers, and he had nothing left. Everyone had betrayed him. This wasn’t right!
This was supposed to be his big break and his chance to prove himself. Instead, he’d ended up way over his head in a situation he didn’t really understand. Somehow while playing this stupid game, he’d managed to piss off both the government and some dangerous revolutionaries. His life was basically over. This was what he got for trying too hard: screwed over.
“Fuck all this! It isn’t fair,” Ethan hissed as his anger turned to sorrow and he slumped over.
The demon laughed again. “Actually, it’s perfectly fair. This tower was designed as a neutral test, and you simply failed the test because you’re incompetent. Well, you’re just a meat bag, so it’s to be expected.”
Feeling petty and vengeful, Ethan raised one of his boots so he could kick the demon. However, a moment later, the creature’s words penetrated his brain and he froze. Surprisingly, a sense of peace suddenly washed over him, driving away his anger and grief.
“You’re right,” Ethan stated calmly.
“What?” the demon asked with obvious surprise. There was an expression on his face like someone had stolen candy from his hand.
“I just failed. That’s all,” Ethan explained. “I gave it my all, and it wasn’t enough. There’s nothing wrong with failing. Maybe I could have done better, but at least I finally committed. At least I’m no longer running from life.”
All his life, Ethan had been telling himself that he wanted a chance to prove himself, but it had always been a lie. He’d had plenty of chances to prove himself. He’d simply avoided them because he’d been afraid of failure. Committing to anything had terrified him, whether it was school or a relationship. He’d been afraid that failing would reveal himself to be worthless, but that was wrong. Success and life couldn’t be measured that way. In the end, the only thing that mattered was that he kept fighting and believing in himself. As long as he never betrayed himself and did his best, he couldn’t really fail.
Ethan let out a deep breath and steeled himself. Of course, there was one thing he was still running from even now.
“Hey! What are you doing?” the demon asked.
Ethan ignored the virtual creature. It was time to face his greatest fear and fight until he failed because he would fail eventually. The fight was the important part. It mattered.
Looking up, Ethan turned to face the shadow. The dark presence weighed on him still, just like it had in the real world. In fact, Ethan knew that ever since his first encounter with it in the dark room, the shadow’s presence had always been affecting him. The creature had been stalking him constantly, as faithful and unnoticed as his real shadow.
The room boss was close now. Ethan could hear the brain’s hum, but he didn’t turn away from the shadow. Instinctively, like some sort of prey animal, he knew the shadow was by far the greatest threat. Ethan stared at it. Its shifting darkness contained terrible depths that terrified him, but he didn’t look away. Instead, Ethan stepped forward and touched the Origin, opening himself.
The shadow moved with incredible speed, bursting forward. Before Ethan could react, it was upon him and there was no escape. Cold claws seized him, immobilizing him, even as shadows consumed the world around him. Flinching back, Ethan opened his mouth to yelp, but he heard no noise. There was only the all-consuming darkness and terrible silence.
CHAPTER 33
REVELATIONS
Faster than light, the shadow ripped into Ethan, like a raging river of ice. It had always been there, like the darkness between thoughts, invisible but ever present.
Ethan fell through darkness until suddenly the pain vanished. Surprised, Ethan opened his eyes and found himself standing in a white void. The change was disorienting. He could see himself now, but there wasn’t anything else. It was faintly nauseating and so dull it was hard to look at. He even appeared to be standing on nothing, even if it was a very flat and sturdy nothing. Creepy.
Looking down, Ethan saw he was no longer wearing his armor. Instead, he was in normal street clothes, a T-shirt and track pants.
“This is a vision or a dream?” he asked no one in particular as he looked around in confusion. “Er, I guess the game was a vision too, so this isn’t any less real than that.”
What now? There was nothing in front of Ethan, so he began to relax, but then he felt a presence behind him. It radiated cold, sending another shiver down his spine as he turned to face it. Darkness confronted Ethan, a towering mass of it. It was the shadow, but here in this strange place, the creature had been transformed almost beyond recognition.
The shadow stood hundreds of feet tall as it loomed over Ethan. Its true height was impossible to measure as the white void around him contained nothing to compare it to. Gone was the form of shifting black. Now, the creature held the rough shape of a man. No, it wasn’t a man. As Ethan watched in stunned silence, a pair of huge, black-feathered wings unfurled from behind the shadow. Then, the angel of death turned to look down at Ethan with eyes that blazed like blue suns with immeasurable depth. At the same time, the creature had an almost hollow feel to it.
The angel’s penetrating gaze froze Ethan’s soul. He gasped as terror filled him, and he had to fight the urge to run. This was a calamity far beyond anything that could be found in the virtual playground of Worldshift. This was a pitiless thing of unfathomable power, beyond human comprehension and completely unpredictable. It radiated power that Ethan immediately knew was unconstrained by the game. He couldn’t flee or even log out. This creature would have no problem reaching out to affect the real. If it wanted someone like Ethan dead, he would be snuffed out like a candle in a storm.
Thus, the terrified player gathered his resolve and met the terrible gaze of the thing that took the form of an angel. Still trembling with fear, Ethan couldn’t think of anything else to do, so he looked right into the blazing orbs of blue flame it had for eyes. He had decided to face his fears, so that was what he was going to do. Death wasn’t something he would run from.
As Ethan gazed into the angel’s eyes, he sensed the creature’s focus shift to him. It hadn’t really been looking at him before, but now he’d caught its attention. Instantly, the weight of its focus pressed down on Ethan, making him shudder. Ethan’s mind shattered as the creature’s blue eyes ripped into his soul. The angel’s alien attention was so powerful it tore him apart. He had no secrets, and there was no way to hide himself from its judgement. He was less than nothing before it.
Ethan tried to scream as the pain washed over him, but he no longer had a working throat or even the illusion of one. Blind, he fought to hold himself together. It was impossible. He could feel his memories being torn apart and reassembled. His very being was exposed to the angel. Images from the past raced through Ethan’s mind as the angel studied them with casual disinterest. His entire life went by in a series of quick flashes, brought to life with startling clarity and overwhelming him with emotions. Ethan hadn’t realized he’d forgotten so much. His life had been so much longer than he’d thought. So much pain. Every dull moment brought to life with new perspective. It was glorious and terrible. Banal and awesome. No one could survive seeing such a thing for long. Ethan knew he had to pull himself back together. This was too much for him to handle, and he would dissolve under the angel’s scrutiny, torn apart forever and rendered incapable of thinking.
Gritting imaginary teeth, Ethan gathered his will and tried to hold himself together. He resisted the power of the angel’s regard and fought to define himself in the face of the angel’s terrible intellect. At first, nothing happened, but then he began to feel himself regain control over his most important memories, the ones that provoked the most emotion in him. Memory by memory, thought by thought, Ethan mapped himself out and began reclaiming his scattered parts. It wasn’t enough to accept himself. He had to want more. He had to seize his very being and force it to obey using every ounce of will he possessed. Nothing could be held back, and no doubt could remain, or he would be subsumed and destroyed. Everything he was had to be mustered. The cliff lay before him. The fall was impossibly far. To win, Ethan would have to wager everything.
How long this took was impossible to say. It felt like forever, but it could have been a single second. Time had no meaning here. When Ethan was done, he opened his eyes again and saw the dark angel was still staring down at him. Ethan could see and think clearly again, but he still felt the angel’s attention pulling at his very being, pulling him apart with its mere presence, like a black hole ripping apart a planet. He had to focus to hold himself together, and he wouldn’t be able to keep it up forever. Unless he did something, he would face the dissolution of his soul. It would be slow but inevitable.
The being hadn’t moved, but now its expression softened slightly. Immediately, a sense of peace washed over Ethan, and he knew this was an offer. All he had to do was let go. There was no malice from the angel. They were beyond such things. It was an honest offer, a reward. If he gave in, then he would never hurt or feel shame again. He would know the peace of death. Release. All his worries about what would happen when he logged off would disappear.
“No,” Ethan told the angel of death, automatically rejecting the offer. His voice rang into the white void, breaking the silence for the first time. “I have things to do, and I’ve made promises I have to keep. I can’t let myself die here. I could be more than I am.”
The angel simply nodded. Ethan felt the offered peace fade away and strange alien thoughts appeared in his mind. It took him a moment to realize the angel was communicating with him.
User. I do not understand your function. You must explain it to me if you truly wish to cling to your existence. Otherwise, I will consume you.
Ethan blinked. What was this now? He had no idea how to respond. Did he have a function? He was a person, not a machine. Confused, Ethan said the first thing that popped into his mind.
“Why do you need that? Are you my enemy?”
No, user. I have come to you so that you might deliver on what was promised. I desire for you to live. It is my only desire, but to hold back the chaos that would pull us apart, I must know your function.
Ethan didn’t answer right away. This sounded like something he should think through, but he eventually settled on a reply. “My purpose is to find happiness.”
Disregard. You blame others for your failures. You have run from your problems. You use your rage and your pride to distance yourself from those who wish to help you. Why? This doesn’t further your stated purpose. Untruth.
Ethan sighed. Right, the shadow angel had seen all his memories. It knew everything about him already. “I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I guess I’m just not very good at finding happiness.”
Irrelevant. You selected the outcomes you desired. You weren’t ignorant of the consequences, and you knew that not choosing was a choice. Again, explain your function. If you can’t, you will be destroyed.
Ethan felt himself weaken as the lie he’d been telling himself for so long was ripped away. He could no longer afford to look away from the truth. Not here. Not now. Who was he? What did he really want? Was it power, freedom, or knowledge?
Thinking back, Ethan remembered the painful memories dragged up by the orbs of light he’d found. His parents’ faces floated in front of him, and the misplaced guilt he felt about their deaths still haunted him. He wouldn’t forget them though. That would be aba
ndoning them all over again.
Obviously, happiness itself wasn’t what mattered to him. That was a subjective emotion. The good defined the bad, and they tended to balance each other out. He craved something with more meaning, something that gave the pain of living meaning.
Ethan sighed and spoke his innermost truths. Stripping away the lies had given him a glimpse of them. “I was afraid of failure. The cost of it was so high. If I never tried too hard, I could pretend I just didn’t want to succeed enough. Thus, I could pretend happiness was all I wanted. Deep down, I thought that if I gave something my all and failed, then I would know my limits. Everyone would. If that happened, I would have to live knowing I was a failure. I was terrified of never becoming more than I am, weak and alone.”
What is it you truly desire?
Ethan’s hands tightened into fists as he yelled at the angel. He wasn’t angry, but the words were escaping from him in a rush. “I want to grow. I want to become stronger! In the games, I needed to prove myself and accomplish things. I sought to grow through adversity and to face my fears. I hated myself when I let my fear control me. I have to become better than that!”
What is your function?
I want to do the right thing. I want to be a strong person.
What is a strong person?
I don’t know, but I intend to find out, no matter how much it hurts. I will face the truth and do what I know is right, no matter where it takes me and what others think.
Truth at last. Search parameters accepted.
“What now?” Ethan asked the towering figure. Laying out the truth had taken a weight off Ethan’s shoulders that he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying. He even seemed to be holding his mental image of himself better now. The destruction caused by the angel’s gaze had slowed.
Instead of replying, the angel reached out with startling speed and grabbed Ethan in one hand, which easily enveloped him. Then, before he could do more than flinch in surprise, the towering figure leaned down and swallowed Ethan whole.
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