by I J Shur
Michal, who had heard his approach, covered the computer screen with both hands.
“What are you hiding?”
“Nothing! I’m chatting with my friends.” Her hands continued to cover the screen.
“They’re all awake at this hour? Don’t you have any homework?”
“We’re writing about the homework. In a little while, I’ll write everything down.”
“Gotcha,” he said, smiling. “Can I at least say good night?” Michal offered a rosy cheek, covered by a little bit too much makeup. “Good night, my darling,” he said.
He went to his bathroom, got into the shower, and stood under the flowing water for an entire hour. He let the water ease the feelings that had been building up all day and wash away the dust and the sweat of the day. The closed shower door separated him from unwelcome conversation and sealed him in a womb of sweet-smelling soap and shower gel. He breathed in the perfumes and thought again about how unpleasant body odor could be. He smiled at his own fixation on smelling good.
A thorough brushing of his teeth ended the evening’s bathroom ritual. He slid into bed and opened the book that was on the nightstand, trying to find the last sentence he’d read the previous night, but his thoughts drifted to Rona and the graveyard meeting. For a lengthy moment, he pondered the tantalizing possibilities. With a small smile parting his lips, he fell into a deep sleep.
Chapter 17
Warm beams of sunlight burst into the bedroom through the slats of the blinds, and knives of light slashed the opposite wall in long diagonal lines. Upon opening his eyes, Udi’s head was instantly flooded with thoughts. He looked at his watch and saw that it was six o’clock. He smiled to himself; for years, he had awoken at precisely 6:00 a.m. every single day, without an alarm clock, without having to be roused, even if he hadn’t fallen asleep until four in the morning.
He looked at his wife, who slept with her back to him. Her steady, rhythmic breathing made it clear that she was still asleep. He averted his gaze and looked at the window instead. For a long moment, he looked at the glass, and then his vision misted. His throat constricted with the sadness of it all. I’m lying here next to my wife, and I’m afraid to ask her if she loves me. I’m not even sure how I feel about her. Is this how it is with all married couples? He wondered why he was sharing his life with his wife. Will I go through the next thirty years in silence, without passion, without warmth, without sex? Will I have to make it through these coming years like that, somehow, or do I need to make a move? Should I initiate a session with a marriage counselor?
He didn’t believe that his wife would cooperate, and he tried to cut off such thoughts even before he had managed to formulate them. He looked at her again. It doesn’t matter what I do now. Whatever it is, she’ll wake up and start grumbling.
He lay there for another minute, feeling uneasy as his pulse rose. Finally, he got up and retrieved the newspaper from the front doorstep. He scanned the headlines and turned to the classified section, looking for a deal on a pickup truck. His eyes slowly scanned the page and his brain made notes of the data as he separated the wheat from the chaff. He wanted to get a Jeep, but he preferred something with low mileage, a secondhand, older model so that the price would not be too high. He turned the pages, skimming the announcements and the headlines, taking more time on the personal interest stories that spiced up the paper here and there. Alzheimer’s. Accidents. Miracles.
My father! These stories of his about losing his memory and the confusion that he’s been feeling lately. It’s been bothering him. Is it possible that one day he won’t recognize me? He was horrified by the thought. Maybe I should go to see him. Should I ask Varda to come with me? What for? After all, this is between him and me. What business does she have there? He decided against taking Varda. I have no memory of him ever hugging me, and certainly none of me hugging him. I’ll go there this weekend. I’m sure he’ll be glad to see me. Maybe this will be the time to talk face to face, father to son and son to father. Two adult people who are members of one family and who tell each other what’s going on and how they’re doing. I’ll just hear what he has to say. I’ll be there for him, and I’ll leave him alone if he asks. These thoughts relaxed Udi. He got up from his seat, put two bottles of water and two red apples into his little cooler, walked to the bedroom, and blew a loud kiss through the air.
“You have a good day,” Varda whispered, as if she had decided not to raise her voice so that she wouldn’t wake herself up.
Chapter 18
His car phone rang loudly. The number was unidentified, and a small wave of anger came over him. Who dares to bother the last peaceful moments of my morning before the workday begins? Almost without motivation, he pressed the button to answer the call.
“Good morning Udi.” A happy-sounding voice echoed in the car.
“Good morning! Who am I speaking with?” The question was rhetorical since Udi had already recognized Ronnie by his voice. Ronnie was a real estate agent whom Udi had met while they were working on a deal together; since then, Ronnie called Udi every couple of weeks to ask for his advice and especially to tell him about his own dealings. Udi had realized a long time ago that nothing would come out of these conversations, but he preferred not to say so in the hope that one day, something would just fall into his lap, something that would make the supreme patience that he had shown throughout all of those tedious conversations pay off.
Two loud beeps announcing an incoming text message blared from the cell phone that was in his pocket. His heart froze for a moment, but he preferred to finish the current conversation with Ronnie before checking the message.
“What’s up?” Ronnie asked. Udi hated this question—it introduced a call from a bored individual who wanted to be entertained for the half an hour or so that he found himself in traffic or a similar tedious situation.
“What’s going on with you?” Udi deftly passed the ball back to Ronnie. The short conversation continued in that vein as Ronnie tried to lengthen it and Udi tried to shorten it. The longer the conversation lasted, the more Udi’s thoughts turned to the text message, until all that he wanted to do was politely finish the conversation so he could look at the message.
“Are you there?” Ronnie asked.
Udi hated that question too, and he promised that he’d call back.
Come on, call me already, Rona’s message screamed.
Wow! This girl is cheeky! He decided to wait another long moment to call her.
The phone rang again, and this time it was his mother’s name that showed up on the screen. He was quick to pick up. “Hello, Mother.”
“Hello, my son,” she replied just as quickly.
He always laughed at her, about the fact that she never asked him if he was available to speak. She’d call and start talking as if he were sitting by the phone waiting to talk to her. On more than one occasion, when she was in the middle of what she had to say, he’d managed to squeeze in a few words and tell her that he was in a meeting. Then she’d curl up like a snail that met an obstacle and would scold him for not letting her know before she began talking.
“Your father got up this morning, looked at me, and asked me what I was doing there. I thought that he was joking or angry about something. I didn’t know what to say. He stayed in bed and repeated the question. I told him that I’m his wife and that we live together. That surprised him. Only after two hours did he go back to normal. He asked for some coffee and couldn’t remember what had happened before. I know he isn’t well, but each time this happens, it gets more and more difficult.”
Udi was speechless with worry. After a short silence, he spoke. “I love you and we’ll take care of this! I love him too. Tell him that I called to say that I love him. I’ll come to visit soon, maybe even this coming weekend. Give him a kiss from me.”
“Thank you, my son, thank you,” she murmured and hung up, as was her custom,
without awaiting his reply.
With a long sigh, he dialed Rona’s number and received a singsong “Good Morning” that burst from the car’s speakers and shook his already shaking heart.
“You too!” Udi replied with a huge smile.
“You’re supposed to be running after me, not me after you, you ugly monkey!”
“You do it so well. I’ll have an inferiority complex soon,” Udi said.
“Wow, he’s sexy and also a smartass! Those two things really go together well in men. What are you, a mutation?”
She doesn’t give a damn, and she says whatever she thinks. How much fun is this? Her directness, which borders on pure balls, really does it for me.
“I’d really like to meet you for coffee.” Udi switched to steering with one hand and put his elbow out of the window.
“I’d be glad to.”
Chapter 19
That afternoon, Udi waited for her at the coffee shop where they had agreed to meet. Rona walked in with a large bag hanging from her shoulder and a thick folder in her hands. She approached his table, collapsed in the chair next to him, and placed the folder on the floor as Udi took her hand.
“Are you glad I came?” Rona’s insecurity was clear.
“Very,” he said, and looked into her eyes as he motioned to the waitress and ordered an espresso for himself. She ordered a large cappuccino with no foam and a glass of cold water.
“Where is this going?” she asked.
Udi looked at her and realized that he didn’t have an answer. Am I in love with her? Am I falling in love with her? How do you know? How can I possibly know where this is going? I want to see her all the time, touch her, kiss her. I find it hard to breathe when I’m not with her, and I can’t breathe when I am with her. He looked into her eyes for a long moment. She smiled and lowered her gaze.
“Don’t run out on me now,” he said. “I need those eyes.”
“So talk to me! I’m hugely embarrassed right now.” Rona looked away.
“I’m falling in love with you, Rona. I’m losing control. I want to be with you all the time.”
Her eyes filled with tears, and one large teardrop rolled down her cheek. He wiped it away with the back of his hand.
“I think that I have fallen in love with you,” she whispered. “I’m not used to this feeling. I don’t know what to do. I’m used to being in control, but I feel like this is controlling me.”
He held on to both of her hands, moved close, and kissed her.
“I don’t have any words of wisdom right now. Let’s take a few days to see how we feel and where this takes us. Let me get used to what I’m feeling. It’s new, it’s wonderful…”
Chapter 20
After a short while, Udi got into his car, put on a CD of old love songs, and sank into his thoughts. I’m having an affair! I feel as though I’m being pulled along by a strong current, allowing my emotions to run free. He could only swim with the current; he knew that he couldn’t resist it, couldn’t let go. It wasn’t within his power to make any decisions. He was lifted off his feet by a wave of love that empowered him. He wanted to be by her side, to listen to her, to talk to her, to share his thoughts with her.
Then he remembered part of the speech that Nelson Mandela gave when he was inaugurated as the president of South Africa in 1994. Udi had saved it on the back page of his daily planner. He slowed the car, drove to the hard shoulder, and parked by the side of the road. With trembling hands he opened the planner and flipped through until he reached the back page. His heart beat excitedly as he found the words from the speech on the inside back cover. He cleared his throat and with a quiet but sure voice he read the words:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
When he finished reading, there were tears in his eyes. It had been a long time since he had thought about those words. He had forgotten the meaning of a truly supportive relationship. When was the last time that my wife was enchanted by me? When did she last pay me a compliment? When did she last show any interest in me? When was the last time that I felt like I have a partner in life and not just like I’m living alongside somebody?
Udi’s reverie was interrupted by his phone screen flashing. He didn’t recognize the caller’s number.
“Hello, Udi. This is Oded speaking. How are you?”
“Remind me!” Udi said.
“Oded. We met at my house on Saturday, two weeks ago. Rona introduced us.”
Immediately, Udi remembered. “Glad to hear from you,” he said. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“The deal that we were talking about is heating up. I already have another investor, and I need a third. You made a good impression, and Rona has not stopped singing your praises. I need to know if you’re in or out.”
“I’m still missing a lot of essential details in order to wrap this up,” Udi replied.
“What sorts of things do you need to know?”
Udi let loose a stream of questions.
“Wait,” Oded said. “Wait a minute. I can’t write that fast.”
Udi slowly spelled out his needs while Oded wrote.
“I’ll be glad to hear from you.” Udi ended the discussion.
“You’ll hear from me even sooner than you think,” said Oded.
“Excellent,” Udi replied.
He ended the call and rang Mario, his tax advisor. Udi wanted to get his opinion about Oded’s deal.
“Get back to me with the details,” Mario requested.
“Maybe you can give me an opinion without making me do a doctoral thesis on it first,” Udi hissed through clenched teeth.
“Find yourself another advisor,” Mario snapped. “There are no shortcuts here!”
“I already have a deal I’m interested in,” Udi replied jokingly.
“Go ahead with it,” said Mario, who knew that they would be working together for many years to come.
Chapter 21
On Saturday morning, Udi got up early. Everyone else was still asleep, and Mooshie, the family dog, was waiting for him at the entrance to the bedroom, wagging her tail as if it had been implanted with a small electric metronome.
“I know that you want to go out,” he whispered. “But since I am the one taking you out and not the other way around, you’re going to have to wait for me to read the newspaper in the bathroom. Then I’m all yours.”
When he finally took Mooshie for her walk, he looked up at the sky and took a deep breath of morning air. Mooshie had her nose down to the ground, and she sniffed the street as if someone had spread it with thick, juicy meat drippings. A beeping sound signaling an incoming message came from his phone, and he hurried to look at the screen.
The message was from Rona. I hope you thought about me last night as much as I was thinking about you, and I hope that you have a great morning too.
He immediately replied. I’m having a great morning now that I’ve seen your message. How did you know that I just left the house
?
When I want to know something, there isn’t a thing I can’t find out, she quickly shot back.
Chapter 22
As he did each Saturday morning, he drove to the volleyball hall. His volleyball friends were running laps around the gym and stretching. The younger ones were impressive, jumping up in the air to astonishing heights every few strides. Udi was warmly greeted as he joined the circle of players that were warming up.
Eight of them set up the net, split into two teams, and began the game. Udi wore elastic bandages to support his knees. A while back, he’d torn his ligament by playing too many games.
During the last moments of the first set, Udi jumped for a block and landed on the foot of the opposing player, who was trying to block him. Udi’s foot bent and his knee made a loud popping sound. He fell to the ground, writhing in pain. He watched the rest of the game from one of the benches around the edge of the court, with his knee wrapped in ice. After the game, Udi’s friends slowly helped him to his car. To his delight, the pain subsided fairly quickly, and he was able to get home with enough time for a shower before a scheduled meeting with the investor.
Chapter 23
Udi walked into the coffee shop, scanning, as usual, the people who sat at the tables. It was important for him to see if there were any familiar faces. It pleased him not to recognize anyone other than Oded, who sat in the far corner and rose to meet him.
“What would you like to drink?” Oded asked as if he was in his own kitchen and the kettle was boiling. “Even though I have an office at home as well as at work, I prefer to carry out my meetings here,” he said.
Udi sat in the seat opposite.
Oded smiled at Udi. “I find myself spending time in a lot of coffee shops, but here? Here they know me by name. The owner of the place always asks how I’m doing. The waitresses know me well. Have you been here before?” He looked up as a young waitress spotted his hand gesture and came over.
