by Cassie Mae
Tanner tucks a hand under his head, watching me carefully, a crazy look of lust and excitement in his green eyes. It makes me feel sexy, a feeling I rarely have, and my fingers get tangled in my hair in my rush to get back to kissing him.
“I’m stuck,” I say, struggling to free myself. He chuckles underneath me, causing zaps and pings to pop off in my lower abdomen. He sits up and checks my mess out.
“What in the world…?”
“I know. I don’t know how to girl right.”
“Yes, you do.” He tugs on the strands, and I wince as little baby hairs rip from my head, but my hand gets freed. My hair falls over my shoulders, and Tanner slips my bracelet back on my wrist. “I don’t mind the hair. Just keep it out of my mouth.”
“Check.” I wrap my arms around his shoulders and press my lips against his again. It’s been too long already since they were together.
His confidence must be rising; he tucks his hands on my upper thighs, right under my ass, and he pulls me onto his lap, cinching me into the perfect spot to get butterflies to burst through my stomach. I bite his bottom lip in response, and a groan I never thought I’d elicit from him rumbles between our mouths.
Okay, it’s official. I’m a selfish person. I’m a damn selfish girl, because I shouldn’t be using him like this. Yes, I like him. Yes, I like him more than I like other people. And yes, I’m terrified of losing yet another person I care about, so I dove in faster than I intended. Faster than I think I can run.
Kissing him is erasing so many worries running wild under my skin. I don’t want it to end, even though I know I won’t have time for a relationship. I won’t be able to give as much as he wants or deserves. I won’t be able to commit.
But I’ll want to kiss him every time I see him now. I know it. He’ll open the door for me to sneak in, and I’ll jump into his arms. Forget the boarding time. I’ve done a million things on this half-pipe and none of them have felt as good as this.
One of his hands moves the fringe on the bottom of my shirt and slides up my back, and it shuts off my brain for good. My head falls back, and he loves on my neck, pressing kisses to all the right spots.
When was the last time I had sex? It’s a stray thought that zips to the forefront of my mind, and I wish it would go away. I cannot have sex with him on this dirty half-pipe. I cannot have sex with him while we’re technically trespassing. And I cannot have sex with him if I’m not committing myself fully to a relationship.
Tanner is not a booty call.
“Can we… can we slow down?” I manage to breathe out.
Tanner freezes immediately, and instead of easing down, he tosses an entire bucket of ice water over our heads.
“Yes, yes, sorry.” He practically throws me from his lap, then scoots three feet away. I’m still coming down from the high of his kisses that I have to blink a few times to get my bearings.
“I didn’t say stop,” I say through a breathy laugh. Red tinges his neck and ears, and he makes a “whoops” face that is so darn cute I want to toss out the rule book and get back on the fast track to selfish city.
“Sorry.” He shakes his head, his hair an absolute makeout mess. “I just… I’ve had a tendency to… rush things.”
I snort so loud that it hurts my throat. Tanner… rush? His brow furrows at my reaction, and I close the very wide gap he put between us.
“Tanner, you wouldn’t even hold my hand.”
“I know.”
I tilt my head, concern curling its way across my forehead. What I love so much about Tanner is his strength, his humor, his loyalty… It’s so strange to see him so vulnerable, to see such fear in his eyes, shaking his hands, stuttering his breathing. The desire to be the rock for him in this moment is so strong that I forget the fact that I might shatter his heart. I take his shaking hand and interlock my fingers with his.
“You can rush with me,” I assure him.
He shakes his head. “I can’t.”
“I want you to kiss me, Tanner. I want you to touch me.” I squeeze his hand. “I just… don’t want to have sex on this half-pipe.”
He jerks his head toward me. “I wasn’t even thinking about that.”
I give him a look. “Come on. I can’t be the only one.”
“Well… I wasn’t thinking about it seriously.”
A silent chuckle rumbles my chest, and I rest my head on his shoulder. “Okay, since we’re entering a more-than-friends territory, maybe some guidelines would be helpful.”
“Yes, please.” His eyes drop to our interlocked hands. “I don’t want to mess this up.”
Like he’d be the one to mess it up. I’ll most likely be the one choosing everything over him, which isn’t fair, and again, makes me a horrible person for even moving into this halfway committed relationship with him.
“What worries you most?” I ask. “So I know where to start.”
He scratches the back of his head, messing his hair further. “You said you want me to touch you… In what way?”
“All ways,” I say, eyeing his reaction with amusement. He raises an eyebrow, almost asking me to elaborate. “Tanner… I’m twenty-five. I haven’t had a lot of relationships, but there are some notches on my bedpost. If things are leading that direction, and we’re not, you know, trespassing, then I’m good with taking things fast if you are.”
He nods, like he’s internally taking notes, but I’m waiting for him to ease my mind.
“So… are you?”
“What?”
“Good with sex?”
He swallows hard and meets my eyes. “Not with you.”
“Oh.” Well, that’s just awesome. I drop his hand, but he immediately goes for it again.
“Sorry, that came out way wrong.”
“How else was it supposed to come out?”
He lets out a hollow laugh at himself, then meets my eyes. “Look… you’re much more important to me than a ‘notch in my bedpost,’ so I don’t want to do that until I know it’s for the long haul.”
“Oh.”
He frowns. “You sound disappointed.”
“No. You just keep saying things that scare me and make me want to jump you. It’s a very complicated emotion.”
The corner of his lip lifts, and he looks down at our hands. “The last thing I want to do is scare you. Believe me, I’m a pro at frightening off girls.”
“I have a hard time believing that.” Tanner is the most non-threatening person. I rest my head on his shoulder and try to fight the temptation to stop talking and keep kissing. “So… sex is off the table.” Boo. “But hand holding is a definite yes?”
“Anytime?”
“I’m okay with anytime, anywhere.”
I feel his smile over my head. “Me too.”
“And kissing. Please tell me there will be lots of kissing. We’re pretty good at it.”
“And you’re okay with me kissing you anytime, too?”
“Well, not while I’m peeing or eating.”
He tickles my side, and I giggle and wriggle in his arms, loving how bold he was about that particular touch.
“You know what I mean, silly.”
He called me silly. I like it almost as much as I like Brink. “I don’t actually. You want permission to kiss me anytime you want?”
He lets out a sigh and drops his head. I can tell I’m frustrating him with my teasing, but it’s fun and new and I love this conversation way more than I thought I would.
“For example,” he says, “if you come off a sick grind and land right next to me and kick your board up and I’m so impressed I just gotta kiss you… will that be okay?”
I hold back my laughter and the questions I have for him. I wonder if that particular scenario has happened, how many times, and for how long. “You think my sweaty, gross runs are that attractive?”
“Hell yeah.”
“Then yes.”
“And what if you’re sitting on that counter up there…” He gestures to the Wheel Z
one’s intercom area. “You’re swinging your legs, and you’ve got that beat-up board next to you, and you’re stealing sips from my Dr. Pepper.”
“Yes, that’s fine, too.” Gosh, how many times has that happened?
“What about when you lean against your car in the parking lot, and you tap your fingers against your hip to the tunes going on in your left earbud while you hold a complete conversation with me? If I just can’t help but push your hair over your shoulder and plant one on ya?”
I shake my head, awe and amusement mixing together inside of me. I lift my head, settling my chin on his shoulder and staring at his profile, watching as he tries to avoid my gaze.
“That’s okay, too.”
The corner of his mouth lifts, and he grins at his lap. “And if you’ve got your chin on my shoulder, and you’re looking at me, and I’m not looking at you because if I do, I won’t be able to stop myself… What about then?”
“You can… if I don’t kiss you first.”
He chuckles before turning to me, and we meet each other in the middle, smiling and kissing like two love-drunk fools. The longer we kiss, the more I wonder who’s going to be kissing who more whenever they want to. I know I need the magic of his lips way more than he needs mine.
It’s nearly three in the morning when I stick the key into the front door and click it open as quietly as possible. I wince at every sound that echoes through the night, but all my attempts to keep quiet are in vain, anyway. The second I step in, I lock eyes with Pete.
His elbows rest on his knees, his hand dropping between them, his phone clutched lazily in his fist. My shoulders droop, and I kick the door shut behind me.
“What’re you doing up?” I ask.
“Waiting for you.” He nods to my board. “Where were you?”
“Boarding.” I know it doesn’t answer his question, but I don’t really care. The high from Tanner’s kisses is wearing off, and exhaustion over dealing with my family takes over. I already had enough of that tonight, and if Pete is going to lecture me like a father lectures his daughter, he’s got another thing coming.
His gaze drops to my neck, and I quickly whip my hair over the spot Tanner spent a lot of time paying attention to. My eyes beat into his, daring him to say one word about it. He just scratches the back of his head and talks to his shoes.
“Look, I know tonight wasn’t awesome at Mom and Dad’s.”
“Understatement.”
“I should’ve warned you, and I’m sorry.”
I blow out a sigh and settle my board against the wall. “Pete, it’s really too late to have this conversation.”
“I agree, which is why I think we should have it.”
“I meant too late in the day. Or night. Or whatever.” I rub my eyes and head to the stairs. “We can talk when I’m more awake.”
“Are you pissed?” he blurts, pushing up from the couch. He towers over me, but I’ve never felt less intimidated by a person. “Because I promise I didn’t mean to go behind your back with all this. Demi talked to Candice, and she thought it might be a good idea to get Mom and Dad back in the picture—”
“Pete, seriously,” I cut in, heat starting to rise up my neck. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” I don’t have the energy to keep my cool. He’ll see a side of me that I keep hidden, and I do a damn good job of it with most everyone. Except Tanner, I guess. He sees right through that bullshit, which is probably why he knows how to handle it better than I do.
I stick my hand on the banister and get three steps up before Pete stops me in my tracks. “Don’t you want some freedom?” he asks, his voice tired, much like how my brain is running lately.
My brow furrows, and I spin on my heel. “Is that what this whole thing is about? Your freedom?” If it’s about that, he can get the hell out of here for all I care. Throw in the towel and run.
His light brown eyes grow weary, and he shakes his head at the floor. “We never really got any, and now’s kinda the perfect time for it.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Pete and I got our freedom when we left our parents. We gave that freedom to Demi when we asked her to live with us. Dad was high or drunk more than half the time, and Mom was content to act completely oblivious. Pete paid their mortgage while I took care of food, clothing, utilities. At least when we moved out, we were doing all those things for each other without the extra emotional stress of living with complacent parents.
Just a year and a half ago, Pete was fighting to get Demi under our roof and grant that same freedom we had to fight for.
I stare my brother down, betrayal pricking my heart like a pin cushion. And I realize I am pissed. I am jealous. I am all those things they assume I am.
“Well, it’s a good thing you’re getting a new family then,” I nearly growl at him. “Won’t have to worry about this one anymore.”
He jerks back, red creeping up his cheeks. “You know damn well this family is all I care about.”
“But from afar, right? Don’t want to care about us up close anymore.”
His jaw ticks. “I’m not going to feel guilty over getting married, Maddie. I deserve to live my own life.”
“Funny how your voice suddenly sounds like Candace.”
It’s a low blow. I know it the second the words drop from my lips. I don’t even know where they come from—somewhere deep within me, I’m sure. But with how late the hour is, how raw and open I feel, they jumped to the surface and stung him in a place I never would’ve dared touch if I wasn’t so tired of keeping it in.
He crosses the room, stopping on the bottom step. We’re eye to eye, even though I’m a few steps above him. “Candace loves you like a sister. She’ll be part of this family, not a new one. She wouldn’t want it any other way. Don’t you dare accuse her of trying to pull me away from this.” He wings his arm out, gesturing to our apartment, to the life we’ve built together. “If it were up to her, she’d live here with us. I’m the one who wants a life with her. I want to be a full-time husband and I want kids and I want to be a good father because we both know how much a kid needs one. I need that with Candace, and I need to know you will have that opportunity, too.”
I take in what he says, but I don’t let it sink. “Don’t pretend that you’re abandoning us for my benefit. That you basically ambushed me at dinner tonight because you want freedom for me. Or that any of this is for Demi. This is all about you tying up loose ends before you get hitched.”
“Demi came to me,” he hisses. “She wants back with Mom and Dad.”
“Why the hell would she want that?” My voice cracks with the question, and I pray he doesn’t answer me. I’m already terrified that I’ve fallen short as a sister, caretaker, friend… I’m working my ass off for so little, but I’d do it day in and day out if it meant Demi would stay.
“Because she loves you.” His voice lowers, gets softer, but in no means is he soft. “You want to know what she said? She came to me in tears after your shopping trip. Said she’s done being the obligation. I didn’t even know she knew that word, didn’t know she was feeling like a burden.”
“She’s not.”
“I know that, but she doesn’t.” He settles a hand on the banister, playing with the wooden ball sitting atop the final post on the bottom stair.
A small, croaked voice interrupts my heart shattering. “Pete…” Demi says from the downstairs hallway that leads to her room. The tiniest bit of light floods out from the crack in her door, cascading across the worn carpet. Water builds in her eyes, her fingers tucked into the hem of her blue tank top that she wears to bed. “You… you promised you wouldn’t tell.”
I can’t see my brother’s face, but his shoulders slump, his head hangs, and my heart resumes its shattering, pieces falling into the pit of my stomach, piercing vital organs.
“Dem, I—” Pete starts, but our sister turns to her room and slams the door behind her. Pete rushes down the hall and taps on the door. “Dem, I’m sorry.” He begs f
or her to let him in, but his voice muffles in my ears.
I pluck my feet from the floor, struggling with every step up to my room, like the stairs are made of wet cement. My sister doesn’t want to talk to me. My brother is abandoning me. My parents think I’m incapable of taking care of myself, let alone anyone else. And the only person in the world I’m not upset with is probably fast asleep and most likely tired of my family drama taking up so much of our time together.
My body flops on my bed, and I lazily plug my phone in the charger. I was hoping to lie here and bask in the perfect night I had on that half-pipe until I dozed off, but now all I can think about are my siblings shut away from me.
If Demi is truly worried about me, and that’s the only reason she wants to move back home, then I’ll do everything in my power to prove that she’s not taking anything from me. That I can live my dream and still provide for her. That sponsorship will be mine, and in just a few short months, they’ll all be singing a different tune.
I’m gonna do it today.
I mean, I kinda did it already.
But Brink has no clue that I’m in love with her, and this boarding competition might be the perfect chance to put it all out there. My heart, my soul… and hopefully not my guts, because I’m feeling a lot of nausea right about now.
The last few days have gone by in a blur of taping, boarding, and kissing, and I can’t complain. My brain’s been on a high, and I find myself whistling all the time. Never been a whistler. Funny what love will do to a person.
I roll over the gravel in the parking lot at Mad’s apartment. It’s my first time here, and I’ll be honest… I’m shocked at how big the place is. With how she or Pete described it, I thought it would be a hole. They moved just over a year ago from a two bedroom to a three, and I guess these apartments are two levels. As I board toward her number, I see the upstairs light on through the blinds. The rest of the place seems quiet and asleep, it being near six in the morning.
I kick my board into my hand when I hit the curb, tucking my fingers under the wheels. My left hand is ice cold from carrying the Gatorade I picked up for Mad. She’s not a coffee person, but every early morning road trip needs some sort of drink.
