by Cassie Mae
“Thank you,” I whisper in the private space between our mouths. Those two words are in no way powerful enough, but they are all I have.
His eyes swivel back and forth between mine, our faces too close for him to focus. But I can see what’s behind those deep greens, and I let him sit with the internal struggle, staying close. I’m not ready to hear that he loves me, even though I know. I know just by how he looks at me, how he put that video together, how he knows when I need to skate it out or talk it out, how he quotes Star Wars to me or checks in on my mental state when no one else does. I don’t know how I didn’t pick up on it before. But I know it now… and I’m not ready to know it.
Just when I think he’ll pull away, he’ll talk himself out of expressing himself with me, he closes the gap between us. His lips press against mine, his mouth open and inviting. His tongue pushes past my lips, and I let out a gasp. He completely envelops my mouth, taking me with more passion than he’s ever expressed physically before.
I claw at him—his shoulders, his back, his hair, and he’s suddenly standing, his fingers digging deep into my thighs as I wrap my legs around him. He’s definitely got Jedi powers, because I have no idea how he did that without tossing us both to the floor.
My back flushes against the nearest hard surface, his hand slamming on the wall next to my head. A groan rips from the back of his throat, and I’ve completely lost all sense. I tug him against me, our bodies not close enough, our tongues not giving enough… never enough. I want him all right now, the fire he ignited in my belly rising and rising with no sign of extinguishing.
We said no sex, but that’s all I want. I want his body, his mind, his everything. I want to make love for the first time in my life, and with that fiery thought, my eyes pop wide open.
I’m in love with him, too.
How did that happen? How did it happen so quickly? My heart hums like a bird’s wings, and I break from his kiss, needing air. He continues loving on me… my neck, my collarbone, behind my ear. I can’t be in love with him. I can’t. I’m not ready for love. I’m not ready to abandon my family like Pete will. I’m not ready to choose Tanner over Demi, and that isn’t fair to him or her or me, and suddenly my brain is too crowded.
My muscles lock up, and Tanner pauses at the hollow of my neck, his warm breath tickling my heated skin. We breathe together, our chests rising and falling in synchronized patterns.
He knows me so well that I don’t have to say a damn thing out loud. He knows this is as far as we’re going this morning. My mind has woken up and put a blocker on any more show of love.
His green eyes flick up to mine, and I try to give him a shy smile. Like whoops, went a little too far there, didn’t we? Even though my body says we didn’t go far enough.
He echoes my awkward grin, then eases my feet to the floor. I’m grateful that he keeps his arms around me; my knees can’t be trusted.
The silence between us grows, and our breathing evens out. I grasp at something to say that isn’t an apology. I don’t want to apologize for him kissing me. I don’t want to apologize for putting a stop to it. I don’t want to apologize for falling in love with him, even. Because I don’t regret any of those things.
I am sorry that I can’t articulate the thoughts running wild in my head, but I don’t know how to just apologize for that.
His brows knit together, and I think he’s struggling with the same thing I am—thinking there should be an apology out there, but he’s not sure if he is sorry. I hope he’s not.
Hawk lets out a loud meow, and Tanner and I both let out a relieved laugh. Maybe I do like that cat.
“Can I tuck you in, boyfriend?” I say now that the tension has eased a bit.
He runs a hand over the back of his head. His hair is an adorable mess of makeout and staying up all night. “How you getting home?”
“I’ve got a ride.” I nod to my board. After all, Troublemakers isn’t that far from Tanner’s place, and I’m sure there is someone there who can give me a lift home.
Oy, that reminds me… I’ve got to call the tow place, call a mechanic, get a quote and diagnosis on the thing, plus find a ride for Demi to get to Candace’s place. Sundays she likes to play with the horses. My laundry needs to get done, and I need to talk to Pete. He’s probably worried out of his mind since I didn’t come home last night. Crap, where’s my phone?
Tanner’s shoulders move up and down with his laughter. I tilt my head.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He leans over the arm of the couch, grabbing his pillow and comforter. “Your mind is waking up, is all.”
“That it is.” I let out a sigh and snag his hand. “I wish I could let you shut it off for a while.”
“You’d regret it.” He says it playfully, but I don’t want him thinking that even if it is in jest.
“I wouldn’t,” I reassure him, then I tug him down the small hallway. I check the first door, which is a bathroom, so I close that and take him to the next door, which is a closet. He laughs as I search my way for his room. By the time we get there, he’s cracking up.
“I live in a studio,” he says. “Not like there are many places a room can be.”
“Maybe I wanted to prolong my time with you,” I quip, even if it wasn’t the case at all. He gives me a look that says yeah okay, and I push him onto the bed. I tuck him in tight, sliding my fingers against his side and locking the comforter around his frame. He lets me be ridiculous.
“Goodnight, boyfriend.” I give him a kiss to his forehead, and since his arms are pinned under the covers, he can’t reach up to keep me there. Part of my evil plan. “I’ll see you tonight?”
He nods. “You coming before closing or do we need to be bad again?”
Probably bad, considering the schedule I’ve got going today. “I’ll keep you updated.”
I brush his hair from his face and reach forward and close his blinds. It doesn’t help much, but it keeps some daylight out. “Get some sleep. I plan on keeping you up late again.”
“How am I supposed to sleep knowing that?”
Hawk jumps up on the bed and takes a spot right on his chest. He gives me the butt again.
I shake my head and pet the guy. “All right, mister. You can have him for now, but he’s mine later.”
Tanner raises a brow. “Fighting with my cat?”
“It’s between us, boyfriend. Don’t you worry about it.”
I push from the bed and blow him a kiss. If I don’t leave now, I probably won’t ever. And I really need to call Pete.
It’s nearly eight pm when I step inside my apartment I share with my siblings. Dem trudges in behind me, slumping immediately on the couch.
“Uh… I don’t think so,” I playfully scold, pulling her back to her feet. “Shower all that horse off you. Then you can sit on our very expensive furniture.”
“You spill frosting on it every week!” She throws her hand out at the sugar cookie I had all intentions of eating on the couch, but maybe I’ll use my bed just to make a point.
I spin her by the shoulders and direct her toward the shower. She smells like hay and grass and all sorts of farm life, and it reminds me of long days at work and a nice paycheck in my pocket.
“Hey, I left some dinner in the oven if you want some,” Pete calls from his room. My stomach practically claps in celebration. I’m definitely not the cook of the house, so whenever Pete makes something, it’s at least edible.
Dem does the typical whine to the bathroom, flailing arms and all, and I detour to the kitchen for some grub. I check my phone for the eight-thousandth time today, grinning at the message from Tanner.
It’s his doofy, adorable, and sexy face, his Troublemakers cap hanging loosely on his head. Behind him are Kinsley and Kolton, the two trainees he’s had the past month who drive him up the wall. The eye roll is so apparent even in a still shot.
I chuckle and respond one-handed while I open the oven, the smell of tomato sauce and garlic hitting my no
se. Lasagna night!
My phone struggles to fit into my pocket, my eager hand pushing too hard just so I can get some food in me. I’m not knocking on Tanner at all, but I had to grab a fast food breakfast this morning since I’m sure his mind was somewhere other than my stomach. From there I called the tow truck company, who told me where they took my car, and luckily it wasn’t too far out of the way—an hour and a half, and Candace volunteered to take Dem to her parents’ ranch while Pete worked his shift. I was able to afford an Uber out there, thank heavens, and my car now runs without too much damage to my wallet—another miracle.
So I spent most of the day at the shop, waiting for my car, texting Tanner, and living off of the vending machines they have in the front.
I stuff half a piece of garlic bread past my lips, chewing with them partially open since the piece was huge, and then I dish out a generous portion of lasagna—corner piece. The crunchier the better.
I’m just settling into the middle cushion of the couch, plate in one hand, remote in the other, and fork in my mouth when Pete slumps down next to me.
My eyes travel up and down his body, my brows knitting at the way he’s facing me and not the TV.
“Yesph?” I ask around my fork.
“You got a second?”
I stuff the remote in the crease of my calf and thigh and take the fork out of my mouth. “I suppose. We’re not going to fight again, are we?” I’ve had a busy day already, and I just want to enjoy the bliss of having Demi here, Pete cooking dinner, a boyfriend in my pocket, and a boarding session planned. Gosh, Pete, please don’t ruin it.
He scratches his jaw. Damn, he could use a trim on that beard. “I hope not.”
That doesn’t sound very promising, but hell, I’m in a better mood today, thanks to Tanner. So I take a large bite of lasagna and say, “Okay. Hit me with it.”
His knee bounces, shaking the entire couch. “Why didn’t you come home last night?”
I snort. That’s what he wants to talk about? Of all the things. “You know why.” I called him this morning with a million apologies and a quick rundown of the car breaking on me. “And honestly, you didn’t sound that worried about me when I called you.”
“I talked to Tanner, so I was past the point of panic.”
“You did?”
He nods. “Three in the morning.”
A bite of garlic bread drops into the pit of my stomach with a side of guilt. “What did he say?”
“You crashed on his couch. That you were safe.”
“Nothing else?”
“I didn’t press for more.” The brotherly concern quickly morphs into teasing as he tilts his head. “You know the guy is in love with you.”
I manage to keep my composure, even though I’m near choking on my food. “Y-yep.” I just didn’t know Pete knew.
His brow lifts. “You do?”
I nod, not wanting to elaborate. I shift on the couch, suddenly itchy. I thought this conversation would be Demi central, much like all our talks have been lately. Didn’t think I’d get the third degree about my love life.
He seems at a loss for words, like I threw him for a loop with my response. I settle my plate in my lap, my fork ready with another bite. “Is this what you wanted to talk to me about? Tanner?”
“Not really.”
“Then why are you talking about it?”
“I don’t want you messing with him if you aren’t serious about it, is all.”
“You’re protecting Tanner in this?” I let out a laugh around a hefty bite. “Gee, thanks, bro.”
He pushes his knuckles into my thigh. “Call it residual guilt, but I just don’t want to see the guy heartbroken. Again.”
I halt in my pig-out session, lowering my fork and giving my brother a once-over. Red tinges his neck and ears, and he won’t look me in the eye. He picks at the worn couch next to my knee. “Pete,” I tell him, using my big sister voice, “you didn’t steal Candace from Tanner, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“I know.”
“Liar.”
He lets out a hollow laugh and finally meets my eyes. He shakes his head and pulls on the ends of his hair. “I know it’s stupid, and he’s over her and shit, but I knew how he felt, and I still went after her.”
“You accidentally fell in love. It’s not like you intentionally went for her because Tanner had strong feelings for her. It’s history.”
“I just don’t want the guy to think he’s got a chance with you if you aren’t serious.”
“Why in the world do you think I’m not serious?” I’ve never toyed with men before. Never dangled myself in front of them, and once I got what I wanted, I bailed. Heat rises up the back of my neck, and I set my empty plate on the side of the couch and cross my arms. “Will you just spit out what you want to say instead of hem hawing?”
His eyes widen, but he completely follows orders. “I’m afraid you’re using him to deal with what’s going on around here. And it isn’t fair to him if you are.”
I’m a deer in the headlights. A piece of lasagna flops from my fork and splatters on my plate, my t-shirt catching some of the debris. I clear my throat, trying to get my voice to work. “E-excuse me?”
He throws his hands up. “I know we’re going through some shit, is all. And you tend to hide everything you’re feeling and let it out when I’m not around.”
Gosh, I have to give my brother more credit on how intuitive he is. I swipe my hand down my shirt and set my dish to the side. I push on the couch and twist so I face him head on. “Okay… you want to talk about our shit, let’s do it.”
He nods once and echoes my position. He takes a deep breath and gulps. “Why don’t you want me to get married?”
We’re going for honesty. Not hiding. Jitters run up and down my spine, but I close my eyes and picture myself on a board. It’s just a drop-in right now. I’m dropping into the conversation, and once I’m in it, I’ll get in the groove. “I don’t want to lose you.”
He jerks back, unprepared for my response. “Lose me how?”
“As a brother, a roommate…” I shake my head and drop my gaze to my lap. “A best friend.”
He’s quiet, probably digesting what I said longer than I digested my lasagna.
“Okay, first off… you’re not losing me as a brother. I mean, that’s kind of a forever deal, if I remember right.”
I throw a good right hook to his arm.
“And second,” he continues, rubbing out his arm, “I’m not going to completely fall off the face of the earth. Candace and I are looking for places close to home. Neither of us wants to go far.”
“And third?” I prod. “Because I know I can’t be your best friend anymore. I know it. I’m just… having a hard time accepting it.”
He frowns and pushes the first knuckle of his forefinger into my knee, tapping me a couple of times. “Yes, Candace will be my number one. And as excited as I am about that, about being with her and making our own family, I’m still gonna miss the hell out of you.” The corner of his mouth lifts. “I’m always gonna have your back, though.”
“Even when it comes to Dem?” I ask, and damn it for the crack in my voice. I fight against the pricks at the backs of my eyeballs, and I refuse to look him in the eye, to break when I’m being so strong right now. “Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way, Pete.”
“The only reason I suggested she move back home was because it’s what she wants.”
“But why?” I beg him, plead with him. Help me understand, for the love of God why my sister wants to leave me too.
He frowns and shakes his head. “I promised her—”
“It’s okay, Pete,” Demi says from the hallway. She steps out into the TV glow and gives me a shy grin.
Pete whips around with a laugh. “How many conversations do you eavesdrop on, huh?”
“All of them.” She circles the couch, and I move my plate to the floor and scoot so she can plop down between us. She takes a si
milar deep breath that Pete did before he blurted out what he wanted to talk about with me. I brace myself for the worst. “I’m worried about you taking care of me, Maddie.”
“Why?” I set my hand on her thigh and squeeze her knee. “I take care of you now.”
“With help.” She glances at Pete quickly before talking to her lap. “Middle school’s going to be more expensive. I want to take dance classes and maybe do a sport like you. And without Pete living here, I mean… that’s going to cost a lot.”
I share a glance with Pete, who offers up an unhelpful but solidary half-smile. “Why are you even worrying over this, Dem? Let me worry about finances.”
She shakes her head hard. “I won’t be the burden here. I won’t. I was a burden with Mom and Dad, and I’m used to it there, with them. But I don’t want to turn into one with you.” Her head falls, and her hands catch her face. Her voice muffles between her fingers, and my heart breaks for my preteen sister who has already dealt with way more than she should have, no matter how hard Pete and I have tried to save her from it. “You’re too important to become my mom. I need you to just be my sister.”
A wave of heartbreak mixed with relief washes over me, and I wrap my arms around Dem, pulling her into me for a good cry. I hate that she even thinks these things, that she worries over them. I hate that we don’t have parents to rely on, that we blame ourselves most of the time. But I am relieved to finally understand. I can connect with how she’s feeling because I’ve been there. And now that I know, I can try to convince her to stay, reassure her that everything I do is out of love, and she could never be a burden on me, no matter how old she gets.
“Demi, you are too important for me to let you go.” I kiss the top of her head. “I love you so much, and because you’re my sister, I look out for you.” I ease on my hold so I can look her in the eye. Her hair has fallen in her face, and I swipe away the tear-soaked strands. “Pete and I aren’t your parents. Ew,” I tease, granting me a laugh. “We’re your siblings. And siblings are never burdens.” I look at Pete for backup, and he nods.
