“The Rebels game?” I shake my head. “Watching baseball isn’t on my priority list right now.”
She nods and continues to look away.
“What happened?”
“Maddox was pitching last night, and he was tossed out of the game by the third inning.” My gut twists. “He pegged three batters, the third one charged the mound. Benches cleared. The announcers said they had never seen Maddox pitch like that before, as if he was completely out of control.” Marcy stands and says, “I know you’re in pain and your heart has been broken, but it doesn’t seem like you’re the only one. I’m not saying you should get back together with him, or even hear him out. I’m just letting you know, you’re not alone.”
I give her a sad smile and nod. “Thank you.”
“Okay, I’m going to head out. If you need anything else, let me know. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Once Marcy is gone, I take a seat back on the couch and stare out the window, Marcy’s words running through my mind. Maddox completely out of control. From the desperation in his texts and his voicemail, I think I know what she’s talking about. I saw the same kind of spiral after he and Jamie broke up. I never knew what happened between them, but now I know.
Herman comes up to me and rests his head on my leg as tears start to fall again. I drag his long, velvety ears through my fingers and debate looking for clips of Maddox’s game last night. I’m trying to make this a clean break; it’s why I moved out as quickly as I could because I didn’t want to hang around, wallowing in the loss of not only the love of my life, but my best friend too.
But my curiosity piques and there’s no stopping me, despite the deep ache in my heart and the voice in the back of my head telling me this is a bad idea.
I type out Maddox Paige fight into my phone browser and my results are flooded with fights from the past, but the top one is from yesterday. On a deep breath, I click on it. The title of the article says “Paige Beans Three, Tossed by Third.”
My pulse picks up. He hit three guys? That’s very unlike him.
I play the video and the camera focuses on Maddox. His face is scruffy, his eyes are sunken, and the usual intensity on the mound is absent.
He winds up, delivers the pitch, plunking the batter in the arm. My breath catches as the batter tosses the bat and charges toward the mound. Maddox doesn’t even flinch, almost like he’s welcoming the fight. He tosses his glove and throws the first punch, directly to the batter’s chin. The batter reels back and Maddox goes after him, taking a punch directly to the ribs. They roll around for no more than a few seconds before their teammates reach them and pull them apart. Maddox’s hat fell off his head, his hair is wild as he yells at the other team, despite Jason holding him back from behind.
I press pause and put my phone face down, unable to watch it anymore.
It’s too painful, seeing him like that.
The anger in his eyes, the fight in his fists. It’s the same look I saw from his father when he attacked Maddox. It’s the same look of anger I saw the night of his birthday, when everything went down.
Terrifying.
Not the man I grew to love.
He’s a man I’ve grown to be afraid of.
* * *
“I can finish up the last cages, why don’t you go home?” I say to Marcy, who’s been hovering over me all day, making sure I’m okay and not sobbing in a corner somewhere.
Thankfully, I’ve been able to hold it together all day.
Maybe because I’ve fallen into a state of numbness.
After watching Maddox’s fight two more times last night before I went to bed, I fell into this state of existing but not feeling. It was as if my last viewing stole any emotion I had left, leaving me as an empty vessel.
That’s how I’ve been working through the motions today, empty.
“I can help. I have nowhere to be.”
“Marcy,” I sigh. “I’m fine, okay? You don’t have to baby me.”
“I’m not babying you, Kinsley . . . I’m being a friend. It seems like you need one now more than ever.” She’s not wrong. I’ve lost the only other two female friends I had here. I hate recalling the looks on their faces.
I give her a soft smile and nod, knowing Marcy isn’t one to be told what to do; she does as she pleases.
“I’m glad you decided to stay,” Marcy says. “I would hate to have seen you go. You’ve done so much for the shelter and we’re so close to closing in on this partnership. Once we do, I’ll be giving you quite the raise.”
I wave her off. “Don’t worry about me. I’m resourceful, plus, I’d rather live in a canoe under the Michigan Avenue Bridge than go back home. My mom would never let me live it down or let me move away ever again.”
“Protective?”
“You have no idea. And she wasn’t too keen on the idea of me dating Maddox in the first place.” My voice catches as I recall what my mom told me would happen. God, how I hate she was right.
Marcy says, “Let me guess, your mom said he was going to hurt you?”
“Something like that.”
“I probably would have said the same thing to my daughter. Maddox Paige has a giant heart. It’s easy to see in the way he’s cared for you and his love for everything you love, but he’s also tortured. I’m sure something you know more about than anyone else. When you see such anguish in someone’s eyes, you always fear what they could possibly do, not physically, but mentally.”
I nod, her words sinking in.
“He, uh, he didn’t have the best childhood growing up.”
Marcy nods as she finishes sweeping the kennel. I follow up with our disinfectant and mop. “It’s obvious he’s tormented by something. But you were always an outlet for him, weren’t you?”
“He came to me to escape, to find joy.”
She nods again and then hands me paper towels as she sprays down the PVC dog bed. We took out the cushions already, rotating them with clean ones.
“Well, it’s unfortunate, falling in love with someone who’s been hurt in their childhood. It presents problems as a partner that we have to try to sift through, adjust to, and unfortunately, we’re the ones who get hurt.”
“We?”
Crossing her arms, Marcy nods. “Yes, my ex-husband was abused as a child. It led to some dark times in our marriage. He projected his fears onto me, making our life exponentially harder, and when I begged him to try to get help to go to therapy, he refused. Those dark moments became darker and darker until I couldn’t live in the world he was creating for us anymore, and I had to leave for my own emotional safety.” Marcy walks up to me, hand on my shoulder and says, “There’s only so much we can do for them, Kinsley. Ultimately, it’s up to them to want to make a change. If they want to keep living in the same mindset they’ve become used to, that’s their choice. Only the strong ones will rise to the challenge of overcoming their horrific past, and live life not in fear of what they’ve become numb to, but rather in what they can experience. Find joy in.”
“Do you think Maddox is living in fear?” I ask, feeling my throat close with emotion I didn’t think I still possessed.
Marcy shrugs. “Not sure if it’s fear or if he’s letting his past control his future. Given how he hurt you, I’m going to guess it’s the latter. And if that’s the case, it’s up to him to want more for his life.”
I finish wiping down the bed, my mind whirling.
“Would you take him back?” Marcy asks softly.
I glance over my shoulder, recognizing the soft caring features of her face. She reminds me of my mom—when she’s not being overly protective and driving me nuts—when she’s actively listening.
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. I don’t believe there’s any way to come back from what happened.”
On a sigh, Marcy hands me a clean mattress and I place it on the pipe bed. “Such a shame, you two were made for each other. I could see it just from the few chances I got to witness you interact. It was true love
.”
My lip trembles, my heart feeling like it’s being shocked back to life.
True love . . . hell, I thought that’s what we had too.
* * *
“Can I get you anything from the deli?” Marcy asks. “A bagel, a . . . piece of lettuce?”
Chuckling, I hold up my lunch pail and say, “I’m good, thanks.”
“Not even a drink? I know you like those fruit smoothies they have. You know what, I’m just going to get you one.”
“Marcy.”
She waves me off. “On me. I’ll be back.” She takes off, leaving me alone in the shelter with my pathetic lunch of hummus and cut-up veggies. I didn’t have enough energy to pack anything else this morning.
I glance at my phone, as it lights up with a text from my mom, asking how I’m doing. I ignore it but not before noticing the date on my phone.
The boys are home.
The Rebels are back in town, which means Maddox and I are in the same city again. We have been for the last twenty or so hours, which means if he was serious about wanting to talk to me, he would have done so already. Maybe the love we shared was more one-sided. He spoke with such passion, but when it came down to it, he did things to us I never would have done, which tells me one thing: I clung to our relationship more than he did.
The door to the shelter opens and I quickly remove my feet from the desk to look more professional only to see two familiar faces come into view.
“Kinsley,” Dottie says, spotting me and coming up to me, pulling me into a hug I wasn’t expecting. Natalie follows closely behind her and holds me so tight that tears start to well once again. I had no idea how lonely I was really feeing until this moment. “I’m so sorry,” Dottie says, her voice choked up.
I’ve gotten to know Dottie pretty well and if there is one thing I know, it’s that she doesn’t get emotional. Jason does. So to hear the heavy sorrow in her voice, she’s being truly sincere.
“Me too,” Natalie says as they both pull away. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”
“Wh-why are you sorry?” I ask as they take a seat across from me.
“Because, we should have come to your side sooner. We should have stuck up for you quicker, and never have let the boys treat you the way they did at the birthday party,” Dottie says. “I feel awful. I was just caught off guard and knowing what I know about Maddox, I just . . . I don’t know. I felt for him in that moment and didn’t think about the entire situation.”
“I put Cory in his place, right away,” Natalie says. “He has been on my shit list, and I made sure to show him just how wrong him and the boys were.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, feeling relief wash over me. That moment, at the party, when Maddox was yelling at me, and I was told to leave, I’ve never felt more judged, never felt more rejected. It was a low moment in my life that will live with me for a long time.
“Well, I did some snooping, because there was no way you would have invited Maddox’s brother. You don’t have an unkind bone in your body. I did notice people taking pictures of us, so when Cory was in the bathroom, I went up to one of the guys and asked him what his Instagram handle was. I saw him recording stories and getting shots of us in the background. I told him I wanted to slide into his DMs.” I chuckle. “He obliged, the horny idiot, and that night, I found him. Manny found out where Maddox was because the douche tagged the bar location. Manny commented on his post.”
“Yeah, I figured it might have been something like that,” I say, moving a carrot through my hummus.
“I sent the screenshot to everyone who was there that night and made them all feel incredibly guilty.”
Dottie raises her hand. “Including me.”
“It’s fine,” I say. “It’s over now. There’s really no need to apologize.” At least now I know why Maddox changed his tune.
“Yes, there is,” Dottie says with conviction. “We’re friends, Kinsley, and we, well, mostly me, fucked up. And I’m sorry.”
“But that’s only half the reason why we’re here.” Natalie takes a deep breath. “The boys are home.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Have you seen Maddox?” Dottie asks with hope.
I shake my head. “I’m sure you heard, but I moved out like he demanded. I haven’t seen or spoken to him for a few days.”
Dottie and Natalie exchange glances.
Twisting her hands in her lap, Natalie says nervously, “That’s the thing, Kinsley, he’s, uh . . . he’s not doing well.”
I hold back my reaction, swallowing the despair that wants to bubble out of me.
“Cory said he can’t get him to stop drinking. Lincoln has been staying with him, to make sure he doesn’t overdo it. The boys are going to start rotating who is watching over him, because they’re that worried about him.” My lip trembles. Softly, Natalie says, “He got in a fight with Cory in the locker room, started to throw punches, and Jason had to lock him down. He’s out of control.”
I look away, a tear cascading over my lid. I quickly wipe it away and say, “Why are you telling me this?”
Stepping in, Dottie says, “We thought . . . maybe—”
“He broke me.” I shake my head. “Pushed me out of his life, treated me as if I meant nothing to him. I’ve put up with a lot of his bullshit throughout the years, but this . . . this was so much more. This was final.”
Dottie looks down at her hands while Natalie slowly nods. “Well, we’d still like to hang out with you. We value your friendship even though we screwed it up.”
“I appreciate that,” I say, that emptiness creeping through me again. “I’m just, I don’t know . . . I’m just trying to figure things out right now.”
“We get it,” Dottie says and they both stand. “Before we leave, I do want to tell you something Jason told me.” I don’t want to hear this, I know I don’t, but I can’t seem to get the words out. “Last night, Maddox told Lincoln how in love he was with you. How he would do anything to get you back, if only he could find the courage to do so.” More tears. “Lincoln told him to call you and Maddox shook his head, just about to pass out, he said, ‘No, she was my courage. How could I possibly call her . . . without her?’”
If I had any heart left to rip, it would be torn into pieces right now, floating down to the floor to a heap of sorrow.
* * *
A whining sound wakes me up and I quickly get up from bed. Herman’s nudging me with his nose, the sound he’s making new, causing concern.
“Do you need to go to the bathroom?” I ask. He refuses to sleep on the bed with me, so I’m talking to him as he sits on the floor, staring up at me.
He scratches the nightstand and I look over at my lit-up phone. Three missed calls.
Oh God.
My mind immediately jumps to my parents and if they’re okay. It’s one in the morning and the only reason someone would be calling at this hour is because something is wrong. And my phone is on silent.
I quickly unlock my phone only to find the three missed calls from Maddox.
My heart leaps in my chest, stealing all the air from my lungs. Blood pounding in my head, the thump so loud it almost drowns out my ability to hear my own thoughts as I stare down at the missed calls.
No voicemails.
No texts.
If it was important, he’d text, right?
Say something like call me now?
What if it was Lincoln, or one of the boys trying to contact me because they’re watching over him and something went wrong?
My finger hovers over his name, debating whether I should call him, when my phone buzzes in my hand again, Maddox’s face popping up on the screen. Pins and needles pierce me, releasing numbing sensations as I stare at the phone.
Answer.
Answer it, my brain says, but my fingers don’t move.
It buzzes and buzzes and then finally . . .
My finger presses the green button and my hand shakes as I bring the phone to my ear.
<
br /> “Hello?” I say, my voice hoarse and full of nerves.
“Kinsley?” Maddox’s voice says in a gruff tone.
“Yes,” I say, unsure how to handle this call.
“You answered,” he says, and that’s when I realize he’s slurring his words.
I lean my head back on my pillow, staring at the ceiling, looking for strength. If I hang up, it could result in more drinking, but I don’t think I can handle a drunk call.
“Are you there?”
“Yes,” I say, shutting my eyes, wishing I never answered the call.
“Baby . . . I miss you.” His voice thick, like it’s trying to wade through water.
“Maddox, what do you want?” I ask, pressing my hand to my forehead.
“You. I want you.” He sighs heavily. “No, I need you.”
“Maddox, I can’t do this.”
“Please don’t hang up,” he says quickly, breathlessly. “Please, Kinny . . . I just, fuck, I need to hear your voice. I’m so . . . I’m so goddamn lost without you.” His voice’s so sad that it sounds like he’s crying, which in return brings tears to my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
He’s slurring so badly, I almost don’t understand what he’s saying, and I’m worried he’s at his place by himself.
“Are you alone?” I ask.
“Are you asking if I’ve fucked anyone?”
“What? No,” I answer, offended.
“Because I haven’t. I haven’t fucked one person.”
“Congratulations,” I say, painfully. “Look, is Linc there?”
“Yeah, on the couch. But I can kick him out. Come back to me, babe . . . please.”
Linc is there, and hopefully took all the alcohol away for the night. “It’s late, Maddox. I need—”
“Don’t hang up. Listen . . .” He pauses, his breathing heavy. “I just . . . can you . . . fuck . . . come back to me, Kinny? Come . . . back.”
Tears are streaming and I choke back a sob. I can’t stay on this phone call any longer and listen to his sad voice. I can’t stand listening to his pleading or the desperation lacing every word.
The Change Up Page 32
