“Where?” Stuart asked, but didn’t hesitate to leap to his feet.
Sassi gasped when she saw Swain pull a gun from the box. He checked the clip. “Rounding up our people. We’ll get the crew and your girl back here. Eros is easy to secure and with my men aboard we’ll be able to tackle any threat. We’ll get her supplied and fueled so if we have to cast off and regroup offshore we can.”
“Right,” Stuart said like he had a clue what any of that meant, but he had no idea what getting underway would involve.
Swain went to Jockey to slap the weapon into the first-mate’s hand. The men shared a charged moment like initial orders were being given telepathically, though Swain did follow up with actual orders.
“If you have to, take her out.” Swain knew how to sell sinister, but Sassi was flabbergasted that he might be suggesting Jockey hurt her. Her captain was mad, but that mad? He must have seen her shock because he growled at her. “Eros from shore. If I thought you needed to be shot, I’d do it myself, wench.”
And probably enjoy it too, he sure was mad enough right now. “Wait,” she said, scrambling from the bench. “What are you talking about rounding up people? You don’t have to bring the crew here. Everyone will be safe as soon as I go to Dario. If I need to do that now, this minute, to keep you all safe, then I will. I don’t want you to worry, Captain, I won’t let you down. I won’t back out. I will do what’s best for the crew and for my family. I will marry Dario Correa. After that, he’ll leave you all alone. I promise, Captain, I will marry him.”
“No, Waif, you won’t,” he said, dismissing her without even looking at her. Grabbing his arm, she was determined to have his attention, but he yanked his arm away from her to turn and glare. “I will make this ship a fortress. We’re preparing for a siege. I don’t care how long we have to stay here, you are not to leave this vessel without my permission.”
Stuttering and blinking, she couldn’t remember ever seeing him so vehement. “You won’t give me permission,” she managed to murmur, knowing her captain. “It won’t matter how much I beg, you won’t grant me permission.”
It wasn’t even determination in his stature, it was arrogant entitlement. Swain was so used to giving the orders and having everyone follow them that he didn’t even see her claim for the accusation it was.
“That’s right, I won’t,” he said. “So, if there’s anything you need, you better give your brother instructions because Eros is going to be your home for as long as it takes.”
Finding her strength, Sassi asserted herself. “No, you can’t do this, you can’t,” she said, starching her shoulders. “No, I won’t let any of you take over. I won’t let you take risks when it’s in my power to save your lives. I’m leaving… I’m going to marry him and no one can stop me.”
Spinning around, she didn’t get a single step before Swain snatched her wrist and bent down to toss her over his shoulder. They’d been in this position before and although she kicked and screamed as she had the last time, it didn’t slow him down.
Swain strode through his ship, down the passageway and up the stairs into his cabin. Dumping her on her feet, he went back to the door to lock it tight before turning on her, his chest heaving with fury.
“I don’t even know where to start, Waif. I don’t even know where to fucking start!”
“Don’t shout at me!” she said, not really thinking about the fact that she was shouting at him.
“You should’ve told me! From the very beginning, you should’ve been honest about everything!”
“And what would you have done?” she asked. “This was my mess and I’m the only one who can fix it.”
His eyes narrowed. “You think because that mangy, scum-sucking asshole gave you an out from the debt, you should take it? Don’t you see he’s set this up? He’s been biding his time! Playing with you! Why would you want to marry a guy who—”
“I don’t want to marry him. Holy fuck, Swain! You think I want to marry the asshole? I thought all I needed to do was raise thirty grand and I was sure we’d make it. One way or another, I had to believe we would… I had no idea how much else my dad owed and now that I do…” She took a deep breath. “It’s hopeless, Swain. Hopeless. You would do the same thing if you were me.”
But, he shook his head in a shallow, disbelieving arc. “Give up? Not fucking likely.”
“If the only way to save your crew was to give yourself to someone, you’d do it. You’d sacrifice yourself for their wellbeing.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” he said, storming over to grab her shoulders. “You are my fucking crew! Why the fuck do you think I’d let you do this?”
“You have no choice,” she said, hating how the ferocity of his gaze sped her heart. “This isn’t even a choice. It’s math. One person versus a bunch of others. I never for a second thought he’d come for the Eros crew, never for a second! Now that he has, it’s game over. I won’t risk your lives.”
His hands fell to his sides when he straightened. “Coming after my people was a huge mistake,” Swain growled. “It won’t end here. He made a new enemy when he touched Fidget.”
“I told him that,” she said, trying to touch him, but he backed away. It hurt so much to see the disgust on his face whenever she tried to make contact with him. “I’m sorry, Captain. I can’t say it enough… But, that’s why you have to let me go. You have to let me be with him. It will ensure your safety and the safety of the crew. It just makes good sense.”
As a captain he understood there were times when something had to be sacrificed for the greater good. Usually that would be equipment or cargo. He’d said it himself when they discussed the captain going down with the ship. Swain had to be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the people under his care.
Sassi might not have chosen this course, but her brother and Karen, the Eros crew, Jockey, Fidget, Swain, all of them were in danger. If so much as one of them were hurt, it would irrevocably change them all. Sassi couldn’t let it happen.
“Take care of the crew,” she murmured and tried to step past him.
But, before she could get past, he grabbed her arms and rushed her back against the ladder between the head and the closet. “I will tie you to the fucking bulkhead before I’ll let you go to him,” he growled, bowing lower to get in her face. “I’ll cast off and keep you stranded in the middle of the ocean for the rest of time before I’ll let you live your life at his mercy… You are my crew. You are my responsibility.”
“Not anymore,” she said, angry tears seeping from her eyes. “I wish…”
“What do you wish?”
She shook her head. “There’s one fantasy I can’t share, even with you, Captain… You have to let me marry him.”
“Do you love him?”
Sassi tried to shrug him off, but he held on. “Don’t be stupid,” she said. She’d taken that question from him during another argument before he knew what was going on. Now he was aware of the situation, she was insulted. “I can’t stand the guy. I despise him. He makes me sick. That one time I puked over the side was because I got a vision of being intimate with him. The idea of sleeping with him, of his hands on me, makes me want to take a blade to my wrists.”
“Then why the fuck would you—”
“Because if it’s that or you being in pain, I’ll take it,” she said, trying to push away, but he thrust her to the wall again, boosting her fury. “I would do anything, anything! To make sure you were free to live your life happy! You mean more to me than everything and everyone else on this planet combined!” She bit her own lip, angry at her careless stupidity. “When Dario figures that out he’ll come for you.”
Gritting his teeth, Swain dipped lower to lock his eyes on hers. He let his lips move while his teeth stayed clenched. “Let him,” he hissed. “Let that bastard come for me.”
“No,” she said, hating the tears on her face and the rage in her captain’s eyes. But, there was little she didn’t hate about their current predic
ament. “I won’t let him hurt you. You’re the one I… If he touches you, I’ll die, Swain… I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
“And, you’re asking me to let him touch you? The woman I’ve adored for weeks? No. It ends now. It’s over for you. You get your ass downstairs, you cook for a full complement and you wait.”
This was too much. She couldn’t understand how he could give her such a benign order and expect her just to forget what was going on. “Cook?” she asked. “Wait. Swain, I—”
“Follow orders, Cook.” Pushing away, he put some distance between them. “You’re crew and Eros is your home. You do not leave this ship without my permission,” he said, using his stern captain voice.
Damnit, she’d told Stuart not to disrespect the captain and that would include not disobeying him. So, although she was cursing inside, Sassi straightened up and took a breath, resenting every second of his attitude probably because it turned her on as much as it infuriated her.
“Yes, Captain.”
“Very good,” he said, and spun to storm out the room, leaving her alone in the space that had once been their intimate haven.
Sassi didn’t know exactly where he was going or what he was going to do. If he was taking Stuart, the men would have a chance to learn more from each other. She just hoped Stuart wouldn’t open his mouth about his plan or if he did that Swain would be patient.
TWENTY-SIX
It didn’t matter how she tried to busy herself with cleaning in the galley or preparing food for the men on their return, Sassi couldn’t stop worrying. Her fears about what they were facing weren’t helped by the man making a bad show of reading his newspaper at the mess table.
Jockey had started by staring without making even an attempt to pretend he was reading. He’d moved on to forcing himself to flick some pages. But, it had been a good ten minutes since she’d heard the paper move.
Sassi hadn’t been able to look at the first-mate. She just stole glances from the corner of her eye, relying on peripheral vision. Even without eye contact, she could feel his disapproval burning into her.
Her paranoia reached critical mass, she couldn’t take it anymore. Coiling the towel in her damp hands, she groaned and let her head drop. “You don’t have to keep glaring at me. It’s not possible for you to hate me more than I hate myself for what happened to Fidget,” she said, keeping her back to him because she just couldn’t bear to face his disappointment. “I’m sorry, Jockey, truly I am. I’ll live with the guilt of this for the rest of my life.”
The click and fizz of a soda can opening came before he spoke. “Good,” Jockey said. “Might stop you making the same mistake again.”
Sassi never would. If she hadn’t been selfish, this would never have happened. If she’d just agreed to marry Dario from the get-go, no one would’ve had to run or hide or fear for their life.
“I know you hate me. I deserve it. After what they did to Fidget, you should hate me. You all should.”
“Lass, you got your head all screwed up. No one hates you and we ain’t mad at you for them taking Fidget. You brought him back, didn’t you?”
She didn’t get it. Although he seemed to be speaking in support of her, he didn’t sound happy. When she finally peeked at him, she could see his anger. Jockey was usually so tolerant and easy to get along with; it was tough to accept what she’d done to their friendship.
“I don’t understand.”
Drawing in a breath, his chest expanded, and he looked at his can as he spoke. “Taking that boy was out of order and the cap’n will deal with that, don’t you worry. But, no one blames you for what those bastards did.”
“Swain is so mad and you’re—”
“You didn’t warn us,” he said, his eyes rising from the drink. “He takes his responsibility to us serious. It’s his integrity at stake. He looks after us and we help him by looking out for each other. We always look out for each other. Now that don’t mean we expect each other to always behave and make smart choices, no missy. But, if we’re in trouble, if we screw up, the first person we trust, the man we go to… is our captain. Doesn’t matter if that trouble never chases us, never finds us, we burden him to protect the crew.”
Taking a step toward Jockey, the sound of his disappointment made her sick. She hadn’t even felt so wretched when her father was unhappy with her. “That’s just it, I didn’t want to burden him. This was my family’s screw up. I was protecting the crew by keeping them and my captain away from it.”
“By keeping us in the dark? You don’t see the hurricane and turn your back pretending it won’t hit. You don’t wait for the swell to push you into the rocks… If you were out there watching the horizon and you saw a speck that you knew was a waterspout, what would you do?”
Shame hollowed her out. “I’d tell my captain.”
According to her captain, waterspouts were the tornadoes of the sea. “Could be gone by the time we get there, could go in a whole other direction and miss us. So, why would you tell the captain? Why bother him with it? Why?”
Sassi sighed, beginning to see his point. “Because it could hurt us and if he knows… he can change course or prepare for it to hit.”
“That’s right,” Jockey said, sinking back to finish off the soda. Crushing it in one fist, he wiped his mouth with the back of the other. “Whether it hits or not, cap’n should know everything that relates to his vessel. Everything. Sometimes he can’t be everywhere all at once. He relies on his crew to be his eyes and ears. Us. He trusts us to help him be a better captain.”
Desperate to make amends, Sassi surged a few steps toward the table. “He couldn’t be a better captain, Jockey. He’s an incredible captain. I trust him with my life.”
Spreading a hand on the table, he smoothed it out. “See now that’s how you hurt him, how you’ve hurt me and Fidget and the boys, because we trusted you with our lives too.”
Fear and sorrow burned her throat as tears heated her eyes. “I would never hurt any of you!”
“You saw the storm, lass, and you turned your back without sounding the horn.”
Sassi wanted to argue, to apologize and explain how she’d meant to protect them. But, he didn’t understand. She wasn’t sure that she did anymore either. “I guess I didn’t think it would come this way,” she muttered.
It wasn’t nice to feel two inches tall. Sassi had thought she couldn’t feel any worse after seeing that Dario had taken Fidget, but she was learning that was just the start of her downward spiral.
“Threatened to hurt everyone you loved, that what you said? This Dario. He said you marry him or he makes anyone you love suffer, was that the deal?”
“Yes,” Sassi mumbled.
“And, you didn’t think the cap’n was at risk?” he asked, his curiosity making her gaze float up. “You didn’t think about Eros and the crew? You weren’t worried for us at all?” His next sigh was so crestfallen that her mouth parched. “Well, lass, you fooled this old fool, ‘cause I’d have staked my rations you felt something for us after a month out on the blue with us. Guess not all crew’s made equal.”
“Please don’t say that,” she whispered, her voice cracking half way through the sentence. “I feel for you all. I… I thought walking away would protect you. I thought if I gave you up. If I sacrificed what I wanted, that I could keep you all safe.”
Jockey peered into her, ignoring the tears that were staining her cheeks. Dealing with a despondent and judgmental Jockey was, in a lot of ways, harder than dealing with the angry, vengeful Swain.
“What is it you want, lass? What did you sacrifice?”
It probably seemed to him that she hadn’t sacrificed anything. Dario might have given her bruises, but so far, she was the only one he hadn’t threatened to hurt more seriously. From Jockey’s point of view, she’d got herself a job at sea, had some adventures with her pirate captain and strolled off back to shore eighteen grand richer.
“Nothing,” she said, figuring that his point of view
was pretty accurate. “I didn’t sacrifice anything.”
Exhausted and fearing that her legs wouldn’t hold her up much longer, she sank down onto the backless bench opposite him.
“The cap’n?”
“What about him?” she asked, resting her hands, that were still coiled in the towel, on the table.
“He told you he’d be keeping a berth open for you, but you didn’t want it.”
A berth on the next leg of the job or on another ship in his fleet? “None of this is his fault. None of it. He couldn’t be a better man. I made it clear to him that I wasn’t looking for a permanent contract.”
Jockey was smart enough to read between the lines and decipher they weren’t just talking professionally. “He not good enough for you? If you’d trusted him from the start, this would all have been taken care of by now.”
“We were strangers at the start. You saw how we butted heads. I did trust him. But, I guess I’m hardheaded and stubborn. I believed I could take care of it myself. I didn’t want to lean on him. I didn’t want to be weak or feeble on this ship of capable men. My dad was dead, my brother had split. I was alone.”
Jockey drew in a breath. “And, you’d been let down by every man who should’ve been there to support you,” he said, showing some understanding, which gave her hope. “The captain ain’t like that. He’ll never abandon you.”
“I know. But, I somehow convinced myself that telling myself I didn’t love him was enough. If Dario didn’t know about Eros or my infatuation with my captain, you’d all be safe and you’d never have to hear from me again.”
“And, if the cap’n heard that something had happened to you days after you walked off his deck, you don’t think that he’d take that bad? He’s responsible for you too, lass.”
“I’m not on his crew anymore,” she said. “My contract’s over.”
“That ain’t why he’s responsible for you. He’d walk away from the ocean for you and that’s the biggest sacrifice a sailor can make for his girl.”
Yes, it was, Sassi didn’t have to be told that. But, another truth crept up on her. “I’m not his girl either. I never really was… I let myself believe it, that I was or that I could be… but it was a fantasy. I could never be with a man like him forever.”
Sweet Seas Page 23
