‘Really?’ He looks at me, eyebrow raised, and I’m relieved when a slow smile spreads across his face. ‘Somehow, I doubt that.’
I open my mouth to reply, but he gets up from the bench, pulling me up with him. ‘Come on, let’s go. I’ve got to get my stuff ready to go to Ben’s.’
‘Why are you going to Ben’s again?’
‘He’s the guy with the fox family in his back garden. I said I’d go this afternoon and we’d make a night of it.’
‘Oh!’ I’m winded by disappointment. A whole night without Aiden? I can’t even …
But then I catch myself. He’s been back two days. Two days! I can’t feel like this after just two days. It’s good he’s out tonight. He should go out every night. In fact, I should ask him to leave. I can’t become reliant on him being around when he’s leaving in two weeks. My thoughts are muddled as we walk along the path, back towards the gate. I wish he hadn’t said that about there being no one better than me. Even after laughing it off, I can’t get it out of my head and I know his words are going to play over and over in my head all night.
We catch the tube back to my flat and he packs up his stuff, ready to go to his friend’s house for some fox watching. I watch him from the kitchen as I fix our lunch.
‘Are you alright?’ he asks, when we’ve finished eating. ‘You’re very quiet.’
‘Am I?’ I shrug. ‘Just tired, I guess.’ Gathering our plates together, I take them to the sink to wash. ‘I’ll go to the gym in a bit. That’ll perk me up.’
Aiden comes over and stands in the kitchen, watching me. ‘I could cancel tonight if you like? Stay in with you?’
I look over my shoulder at him. ‘No! You don’t have to do that!’ I laugh, though my heart is crying out for him to stay. ‘No, you go. I’m going to the gym, then I’ll have a bath and an early night.’
Aiden frowns slightly and looks down at his boots. ‘Okay.’ Shrugging on his coat, he grabs his bag and hoists it onto his shoulder. ‘Right, see you.’
‘Oh! Bye!’ I say, as the door slams shut behind him.
I stare round at my suddenly empty flat, bewildered by the creeping coldness that’s stealing through my bones. It’s like he’s taken a piece of me with him. My heart, perhaps, or my lungs. My liver even. I feel completely hollow. And as I stare and stare, I realise he’s taken all of his stuff, not just some.
Is he coming back?
Chapter 20
There’s still no sign of Aiden the following morning. Not that I was expecting him back or anything, but still, I was kind of hoping he might roll in in the early hours of the morning. I check my phone for messages, but there’s nothing. Resolving to do my own thing, I go to the gym, then shower and change before catching the tube to Oxford Street to do some Christmas shopping. It will be good to get organised and start wrapping. Then I can relax and enjoy the run-up to Christmas without stressing as much as I usually do.
I could get Aiden something too, then he could take it back to Ireland with him. It’s a good job he’s not with me, I tell myself, before realising the chances of Aiden coming shopping down Oxford Street are slim to none. I’m sure he’d be horrified by the thought.
I glance at my phone to see if he’s called. There’s nothing, of course. I don’t know why I keep checking. He didn’t say he would call and there’s no reason why he should. The only reason would be to get back into my flat, and he has his own key.
Even so, I’m disappointed every time I find he hasn’t called. Maybe I just want reassurance that he is actually coming back. After he left yesterday, I checked in my wardrobe and found his suit still hanging there, so I’m pretty sure he will be back. But still, I’d like to know when.
Ha! So much for not letting him back in. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t get the sound of his voice out of my head. The way he laughs. The way he touches me. I already know it’s going to hurt just as much when he leaves this time. I sigh heavily, and the woman sitting next to me on the tube shuffles further away.
Oxford Street is teeming with people, but I manage to get my shopping done in good time. It helps that I know what I’m looking for and everything I buy is small and easy to carry. I buy my mum earrings, my sister make-up, Katie perfume, and Ray a jumper. The hustle and bustle of the city street helps take my mind off Aiden, and the afternoon passes pleasingly quickly. I give up looking for a present for him in the end, but I reason I’ve still got time to get him something before he leaves. It’s only on the train home that I realise I haven’t bought anything for James. I haven’t even thought about him, in fact. Not once.
What does that mean?
Well, I know what it means, but I don’t feel like acknowledging it just yet.
I’m convinced Aiden will be back by the time I get home, but when my flat door swings open to reveal nothing but empty space and shadows, my heart plummets to the floor. I’m so disappointed I could cry. The thought of spending another night alone in my flat makes my bones itch.
There’s nothing I can do about it though. I need to be practical and keep my head together. Closing the door behind me, I kick off my shoes and carry the shopping bags through to my bedroom.
At least I can spend the evening wrapping them.
At least I can watch one of Aiden’s documentaries on the TV.
At least I can eat my dinner in my pyjamas.
Always a silver lining.
But by eight o’clock, I’ve done all of those things and I’m bored and lonely. The jumper Aiden wore yesterday is flung over the back of the sofa, so I pull it on over my pyjama top, inhaling his scent. Somehow, it makes me feel closer to him and reminds me of how I used to wear his clothes all the time. I suddenly have an overwhelming desire to hear his voice, and before I can talk myself out of it, I pick up my phone and ring his number.
‘Ssup?’ He answers on the second ring and my heart leaps.
It takes a moment for my heart to settle, and then I can’t think of anything to say. ‘Ssup? What kind of greeting is that? I could have been your producer or someone else important.’
‘Well, my producer’s number’s is stored under the name Alan, while yours is stored under the name Orla, so I figured it was a pretty safe bet that you were Orla and not Alan.’
‘Oh, of course.’ I clear my throat, embarrassed by my stupidity.
‘What can I do for you?’ he asks after a moment’s pause.
‘Nothing really,’ I say, keeping my voice breezy. ‘It just occurred to me I never checked you found your friend’s house okay.’
‘Really? You’re checking now?’ He laughs in disbelief. ‘I’ve been here over twenty-four hours already, Orla.’
‘Well … exactly. I just thought I’d check you weren’t dead in a ditch somewhere.’ I wince at the stony silence coming from the other end. ‘Well, as long as you’re okay. When are you coming back?’
‘Don’t know. Tomorrow or the next day. Sometime. Why? Is it a problem?’ He sounds annoyed, and I wonder if he thinks I’m mithering him or being a nuisance.
‘Not at all, you’ve got a key, haven’t you in case I’m at work or out or something?’
‘Yep.’
‘Right, well …’ My voice trails off, and I don’t know what to say to him next, but I’m not ready to end the call yet. Silence stretches between us, and I flounder around for something to say. ‘Are the foxes okay?’ I venture at last.
He doesn’t answer immediately, and for a horrible moment I think he might have hung up already, but then he sighs and says, ‘Yeah, they’re good. Got some good shots.’
‘Great!’
He sniffs and I hear the sound of him scratching his stubble. I close my eyes, imagining it rough beneath my fingers as I stroke his face, or grazing my chin as we kiss like we used to.
‘Well, you’ll be glad you weren’t with me today, because I went Christmas shopping,’ I say, wrenching my mind back to reality.
‘Sounds awful.’ He couldn’t sound less interested if he t
ried.
‘Yes, I’m tired now.’
‘Best go to bed then.’
‘Yep, I may as well.’ There’s a raw pain in my gut that’s shooting pins and needles down my arms and legs. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day or sometime whenever then.’
‘Yeah. Sometime whenever. Nice one.’ He sounds so pissed off it takes my breath away and I freeze, wondering what I said to upset him so much.
‘Bye then,’ I say, in a tiny voice.
‘Bye,’ he says, in a hard voice that I’ve never heard before. ‘Oh, and Orla?’
‘Yes?’
‘Ring me back when you’ve worked up the courage to say what you actually phoned to say in the first place.’
The phone goes dead and I go cold. Then hot. Then cold again.
What does he mean? I didn’t want to say anything in particular. I just needed to hear his voice.
I don’t ring him back. Instead I go to bed feeling bruised and sad, hugging his jumper close to me.
*
‘Blimey, Orla, you look rough!’ Belinda stops by my desk and peers at me. ‘Are you ill?’
‘Maybe. I think I might be coming down with something,’ I say, throwing a balled-up piece of paper into my wastepaper basket.
‘Christ! Well, don’t give me the flu. Go home if you don’t feel well. You can work from there instead.’
‘Thanks, Belinda, you’re all heart,’ I mutter as she stalks away from my desk. I don’t want to go home and I know I haven’t got the flu. I’m just miserable and cranky because of Aiden sodding Byrne.
I keep replaying last night’s phone conversation over and over in my head. I’m still so confused about it. Why was he angry with me? The only thing I can think of is that I was disturbing him, and he resented me checking up on him. After all that stuff he said about how he wished we’d kept in touch and never thinking of me as an annoying possessive ex-girlfriend too!
Well, he needn’t worry, because I won’t be phoning him again.
As if on cue, my phone rings and his name appears on the caller display. Snatching it up, I answer immediately, my heart pumping hard.
‘Hello?’
‘Hi, have you seen my jumper?’
‘Which one?’ I say, even though I know exactly which one he means. I screw my eyes shut, realising I’m going to have to admit to wearing it last night.
‘I left it on the back of the sofa?’
‘Oh, I think I wore it last night because I was cold,’ I say, making my voice as breezy as possible to show it’s not a big deal. ‘It’s probably in my bedroom. I’ll wash it with my stuff if you like?’
‘No need, I’ve got it. It’s tangled up with your pyjamas.’
‘Sorry!’ I cringe.
‘It’s okay. You always used to wear my clothes back in the day. You used to say you liked my smell.’
‘Did I?’ I force a laugh. ‘It was just handy, that’s all, and I was—’
‘Cold, yeah you said, I get it. I’m going to the launderette now so I’ll see you later, okay?’
‘Okay, bye.’
Well, at least he sounded happier than last night. And he said he’d see me later, so hopefully he’ll be at my flat tonight. My mood lifts slightly. I hate myself for wanting to see him so badly when he was so off with me last night, but I can’t help looking forward to going home.
But when I get home that evening, Aiden isn’t there after all. It feels like Groundhog Day when my door swings open to reveal the dark lonely flat. A wave of loneliness envelops me as I click on the light and drop my bag by the door.
I don’t want to be here on my own.
I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I sit on my sofa with my coat and shoes still on, wondering if I’ve always felt this lonely and just never noticed. Maybe it took someone else being here to show me I need company. Or maybe I just miss Aiden because I’m still in love with him.
The thought irritates me so much I kick off my shoes and hang up my coat. I get some pasta out of the cupboard and pour a glass of wine. Then I phone Aiden. If he gets angry with me again I’ll just tell him to leave.
‘Hello?’ He answers straight away, his voice friendly and warm.
‘Hi,’ I say, surprised. ‘Are you coming back for dinner? I just wondered if I should make you some pasta?’
‘No, sorry, I’m out for dinner with some guys from the production company this evening.’ In the background, I hear laughter and the chink of glasses.
‘Oh okay, no problem. Have fun!’
‘I’ll be back later though.’
‘Will you?’
‘Yeah, I shouldn’t be too late.’
‘Okay. You’ve got your key, haven’t you? It’s no bother whatever time you’re back.’
There’s a pause, and then he says, ‘I want to see you, though.’
‘What?’ My heart kicks and I think I must have misheard him.
‘Doesn’t matter. I’ll see you later.’
The phone goes dead and I stare at it in my hand, trying to ignore the storm of butterflies that have taken flight in my stomach. Well, that phone call has left me more confused than ever. If he’s annoyed with me for phoning to check he’s safe, why is he telling me he wants to see me later?
As soon as I put the phone down and turn away to make the pasta, it buzzes with a message, and I rush to it, thinking it might be from Aiden. My heart drops when I realise it’s from James, asking if we’re still on for our date tomorrow. I reply that we are, but I’m uneasy about it. Mostly because I know I don’t want to go. But I can’t cancel James because I want to see Aiden. Aiden will be gone soon, and I’ll be left to pick up the pieces of my life afterwards. If Aiden’s taught me anything these last few days, it’s that I’m lonely. Pushing James away isn’t going to remedy that once Aiden’s gone.
Still, it’s not great that I’m not enthusiastic about seeing James. Maybe I’ll see how I feel about him when I see him tomorrow night. There’s no point carrying on dating James if I don’t feel anything for him, no matter how lonely I am.
Aiden gets back just after eleven. I’m in the bathroom, brushing my teeth when I hear the door go.
‘Hello!’ I call from the bathroom, spitting white foam into the sink and rinsing my brush. ‘Did you have a good night?’
‘Yes, it was good.’
Drying my face on a towel, I go out to see him. I’m in a blue stripy nightshirt, and he’s wearing his suit. The sight of him gives me a jolt and I have to avert my eyes so I don’t stare.
‘Where did you go?’
‘The Ivy.’
‘The Ivy? Wow! Can you take me as your plus one next time?’ I laugh as I duck back into the bathroom to hang up the towel.
‘If you like.’
I laugh, thinking he’s joking, but he looks serious as he collapses heavily on the sofa and pulls off his tie.
‘You look tired,’ I say, hovering by the kitchen counter.
‘I am, I’m knackered.’
‘You can sleep in my bed, if you like? I’ll sleep on the sofa.’
Aiden sits back and looks at me as though he thinks I’m mad. ‘No, it’s okay.’
‘Are you sure? It’s no problem. I feel bad about you sleeping on the floor. Especially now you’re this big star who’s used to dining at The Ivy. It must be a bit of a come down to come back here to my miserable hovel and sleep on the floor.’
‘If it was a problem, I’d stay in a hotel, wouldn’t I? Besides, all that bullshit isn’t me, you know that. And I meant what I said, you can come with me next time if you like.’
‘Really?’ I flit from the kitchen to the lounge and sit on the floor with the coffee table between us. I’m aware I’m behaving quite strangely, but I can’t sit on the sofa next to him right now. I’m so pleased to see him I don’t trust myself not to stroke him or hug him or randomly run my fingers through his hair.
‘Yes, I’ve got something tomorrow as it happens. Not at The Ivy though. Some other rest
aurant. Can’t remember where. I’ll have to check.’
My heart drops. ‘I can’t tomorrow. Sorry.’ I wrinkle my nose apologetically, hugging my knees.
‘Why? What’s tomorrow?’
‘I’m seeing James.’
‘Oh.’ His eyes flicker. ‘Where are you going with him?’
‘Just a pub in Covent Garden.’
He scratches his chest, frowning. ‘Cancel him and come out with me.’
‘I can’t, I’ve just confirmed I can make it.’
‘Say you made a mistake and you have the dentist or something.’
‘Dentist?’ I raise my eyebrows at him. How late does he think dentists work?
‘Yeah, tooth extraction. You won’t feel like going out drinking after a tooth extraction.’
‘But that would be a lie, Aiden.’
‘Okay, well tell him your ex-boyfriend’s back in town and you’d rather go out for a meal with him instead.’
I feel my cheeks flame. ‘Erm, I’m not sure that would go down so well!’
‘Go to the pub with James then. I’ll go and have my lovely meal in my lovely posh restaurant.’
I smile, trying to cover my disappointment. ‘Who are you eating with tomorrow?’
‘Just my agent. He wants to discuss a few details. We could have done it tonight really, but I get the impression he likes to wine and dine his clients as much as possible.’ Leaning forward, he slips off his jacket and unbuttons the top of his shirt. ‘You couldn’t give my neck a rub, could you? It’s really sore.’ He undoes a couple more buttons and then slips his hand beneath the collar to squeeze the left side of his neck.
‘Okay.’ I get up from the floor and go to the sofa to sit next to him. He shifts forward so I can sit behind him, and I think he’s going to sit on the floor but as soon as I’m in position he shuffles back against me. My senses are suddenly full of him. I can feel the heat of his body and my nose is full of his scent. It takes all my willpower to only touch the shoulder he’s indicated, and not run my hands down his back like I would have done five years ago. I focus on the smooth material of his shirt instead of the heat of the skin beneath it, and it helps me keep my head when he groans and bends his neck to the side.
The Five-Year Plan: The utterly heart-warming and feel good rom com of 2020 Page 25
