“There is. Isn’t there, Rayne?”
“Yes, there is, Justine. But, I only want to tell this story once. Gather the girls and meet me in the living room in ten minutes.”
“Okay,” she says quietly as she gets up and starts heading out of my room. “But, Rayne, whatever it is, we’ve got your back. Always.”
“As I’ll always have your threes, Justine.” She nods her head at my declaration and saunters out the door. I can hear her calling out Billie and Sibley’s names as she makes her way through the living room area.
Those three sisters of mine, they have always been full of vivacious thunder.
They don’t speak in normal tones.
They yell.
I’ve spent the last hour in the living area with my three little sisters. I laid everything out on the coffee table and they’ve examined it all several times. I know how they’re feeling, I did the same exact thing.
“I don’t understand, why wouldn’t she tell us?” Sibley asks me with tears misting in her eyes.
“I wish I had the answer to that, Sibley,” I respond in a somber tone.
“Her name is Hadley? That’s so cool,” Justine gushes as she holds a picture of my daughter in her hands. “The report says Jacey owns her own company. A party planning one at that. I can picture it.” The fact of the matter is, I can too. She’d always been great at organizing events for the band all while keeping us in line with the process. It’s a talent of hers that I always admired. It’s pathetic that I wish she wasn’t, that way, she would’ve run home to her parents and I’d have known through the grapevine, if not from her own lips, that I’m a father.
“I’m gonna kick her ass,” Billie seethes as she looks up at me. Eyes, so much like my own, stare back at me with a feeling of betrayal shining through them.
“The only thing that’d accomplish, Billie, is our niece forever hating us. Do you not want a relationship with Hadley?” Sibley’s sharp tongue admonishes her as she presents this as a question instead of the accusation it actually is.
“The bitch needs to pay one way or another,” Billie hisses back at Sibley. “Not only did she abandon us, and break our brother’s heart in the process, she withheld family from us! Our blood. Our niece.”
“Hold back the catty bitch for a second, Billie. I have something else to share with you all.” I end up laying out every dirty detail for them. I flay myself while putting it all out in the open of how Jacey and I actually ended things. Us. Now, it’s my turn to get an evil glare from the three of them. The looks they’re sending my way slay me, and I hate that I’ve hurt and disappointed them.
“But she could’ve said goodbye to us,” Sibley cries. “Why didn’t she?”
“Because she was an emotional wreck,” I try to explain. I tell them about how she tried to bargain with me to stay onboard but I basically shut her down. I started this entire ordeal, and I’ll take the blame for the part I played, but she has some answers I need to the questions whirling around in my head.
4
Rayne
The day has finally come.
Our last concert of the season is finished, and I’m ready to confront my ex and meet my daughter in person. I plan on spoiling her rotten and couldn’t care less if Jacey is onboard with that plan or not. I have two years to make up for. It irks me that I missed our child growing inside of Jacey, missed all of Hadley’s milestones, and have never seen a sonogram or any pictures of my girl until the present time, and that’s only because my private investigator took some photos and shared them with me. I keep one folded up in my pocket so I can see her when the mood strikes.
“So, what are your plans, Daddy-o? Are you gonna go to her house and knock on her front door? Or do you plan to go to her office and force her to tell you the God’s honest truth?” Sibley asks me.
“I plan on doing this charity concert first, then I’ll figure out the way I want to approach her,” I answer, since I don’t have the first clue how I want this to play out. We’re on the tour bus taking us to Jacey’s town. I look out the window and watch the scenery pass us by. “What would you do if you were in my shoes, Sib?”
“If it were me, big brother, I’d show up at her front door, where she has no other choice than to introduce you to y’alls daughter. Don’t give her any time whatsoever to make other plans for Hadley not to be home. She has a lot to answer for, but first and foremost, you deserve to see your daughter in real life as opposed to just photographs. Your daughter needs to be top priority, then you and Jacey can hash everything else out.”
“That’s good advice, squirt,” I state, using her childhood nickname, which earns me a roll of her eyes. “Should I take Hadley a doll or something?”
“Might be a good way to break the ice between you two. Rayne, you’re nothing more than a mere stranger to her. You’ll need something to entice her with. A doll is a good place to start.”
“And Jacey? Should I take her flowers or something?”
“You could start off with black, dead roses and insert some weeds,” Billie states, as she takes a seat next to us.
“That’s wrong, Billie. Don’t wish death upon our niece’s mom. Just because she’s hurt us doesn’t mean Hadley deserves a life without Jacey,” Sibley admonishes our sister. “It makes me sad that you’d wish death upon someone who grew up with us like a sister. She’s made a mistake, but let’s fix it now and move on.”
“Move on? You expect us to move on, just like that?” Billie asks, snapping her fingers. “It’s because she grew up with us the way she did that I find her actions inexcusable. We’re supposed to be family! She discarded us, then threw us all away like one does their overfilled trash can into the curbside garbage. I hate her for that.”
The way Jacey hurt me was bad enough, but she obliterated my sisters, and for that, there’s no excuse she can give me that’ll be understandable. Nor will it be forgiven and forgotten easily. She’s not only robbed me of the opportunity to be a father to my daughter, she’s stolen the opportunity from my siblings and parents to be a part of my daughter’s life as well. They’ve never done her wrong, and from my understanding, her parents aren’t even aware of Hadley’s existence.
What the fuck was she thinking?
Jacey
I tossed and turned all night long.
Today is doomsday.
It’s Stephanie’s wedding day, and I’m nervous for her. She has the soon-to-be in-laws from hell. That’s H.E. double hockey sticks bad. I feel deeply for her and worry over how hard her life is going to be.
I’m working on my second pot of coffee, yet my eyes still feel heavy lidded. It’s as if someone rubbed them raw with sandpaper overnight.
“Momma! I can’t fines my dolly Annabelle anywheres. Do you know where she is?” Hadley asks accusingly as she marches into the kitchen.
“She needed a bath, so I gave her one. She’s sitting on top of the dryer. Give me a second to finish this cup, then I’ll get her for you, Hadley.”
“I cans get her myselfs,” she angrily pouts. I don’t know what phase she’s going through, but lately she’s been adding an ‘S’ to her words. “I does not knows why you tooks her without telling me first.”
“It’s ‘can’ and ‘myself’, first of all,” I correct her, earning me a stomp of her foot. She hates it when I do that, but as a mom, I can’t help but want her to use the correct verbiage when speaking. It’s my job to make sure she’s well educated and versed through life. “And it’s ‘don’t’, ‘know’, and ‘took’.”
“Stops, Mom. Don’t be means.” Dear Lord, someone help me to not lose my cool with my ill-tempered daughter. There’s not enough sleep in the world to help with that feat, especially when she’s on a roll like she is right now.
“Hadley Nicole, I am not being mean to you. I did it for you so your dolly was nice and sparkly.”
“No mores. I give her baths. Okay, Mommy?”
“Sure, Hadley. Whatever you say.” I internally roll my ey
es at her words. I can only imagine the way she’d clean Annabelle. Her dolly would be clean, but I’d have a mess on my hands afterward. “We need to leave here in ten minutes. Let’s go brush your teeth and hair. You’re gonna go visit Mrs. McGuire while Mommy works.”
“She smells funny.” My little girl scrunches up her nose. Mrs. McGuire is in her sixties. She goes to the retirement house and oversees bingo there every Thursday night. Her house does smell like that of an older person, but she’s good to Hadley. She loves her as if she were one of her natural-born grandchildren.
That thought makes me internally sad knowing that I’ve hidden Hadley away from her biological grandparents. My parents would make me come home with my tail tucked firmly between my legs if they knew about my daughter. Then I’d have to face Rayne and his family.
No, thanks. I’m nowhere near close to being ready for that particular confrontation. I’ll keep Hadley and myself in our own little bubble until my hand is forced.
Which, hopefully, will never come.
The wedding went off without a hitch or a hiccup.
It was smooth sailing.
Even Stephanie’s in-laws looked and acted impressed, though I’m not sure if that was all for show or if they were truly happy with the outcome. Needless to say, I’m exhilerated that I’ll never have to be in the same room with them again. They snubbed their noses at me every chance they got, but I just ignored them. If I can handle a bunch of loud, out-of-control rockers, I can deal with those who believe they’re better than everyone else.
I may not run in the same social circles as they do, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less important than they are. Granted, Stephanie’s husband loved everything, and they’re the two whose opinions mattered.
As soon as I have Hadley down for the night, I fill my tub with water and pour in a generous amount of bubbles. My feet are aching and my back is sore from all the walking and lifting I did today. I could use a good night's sleep and temporarily contemplate taking an over-the-counter nighttime medication, but I nix that in the bud. I need to be able to wake up and be alert if Hadley needs me throughout the night.
You never know when it comes to children.
One minute they’re running around the house and the next they’re sicker than a dog. It can hit just like that. I should know, I’ve had my fair share of sleepless nights.
Hadley is prone to ear infections and one night, she woke me up with blood running down the side of her face.
That scared the ever-loving crap out of me.
She waits until they’re so bad before complaining about her ears hurting. She’s so used to having an earache that she blows it off until it’s so bad she needs immediate medical intervention. I have no idea where she gets such a high pain tolerance from, but I can guarantee it’s not from me.
I cry when I so much as get a hangnail.
Climbing into bed, I close my eyes and am immediately swarmed by thoughts of Rayne. He used to be what I lived for, but now, it’s all about Hadley. I know I’ve robbed them both of a relationship—a daughter needs her father after all. No one knows this, but I went to find them when I first found out I was carrying Rayne’s child. What I walked into—a party in full force in the ‘party area’ of the club they were visiting—had me hightailing it back out. Rayne had embraced the single life and ran with it.
I’d never seen that side of him before, and when the true reason he wanted to be single slapped me in the face, I made the ultimate sacrifice and never looked back, keeping my daughter away from the spectacle of the spotlight and endless rounds of women.
I’ll never forget that night as long as I live.
5
Jacey
Three years, six months earlier . . .
Walking into Club Enigma Streaks, which sits in the middle of downtown Atlanta, Georgia, my nerves are frazzled and frayed. Will he reject me and accuse me of getting pregnant on purpose?
Fuck, I’m nervous.
I know the band will be in the VIP section. Grabbing my old pass that states I’m the band’s manager, I flip it out for the guard who’s in charge of letting people into the secured and forbidden area. He quickly scans my credentials then lets me pass.
We’ve been in this club before on previous tours, so I know exactly where Rayne will be sitting. When I locate him, my eyes bug out and my stomach churns. He has some bimbo on her knees between his legs, her head bobbing up and down as two other groupies are groping him, nuzzling his neck as his hands are massaging each of their tits.
It’s a motherfucking orgy in the making.
There are drugs and alcohol everywhere. Rayne’s sisters are also dealing with their conquests of the evening, so no one pays me any attention as I stand there, jaw to the floor, with tears welling in my eyes.
“They don’t need you anymore, as you can clearly see,” Jameson, my old assistant, coldly says to me. “Their life is so much happier without you in it.” His expression is one of delight as he witnesses my heart being ripped from my chest.
“Fuck off, Jameson,” I angrily seethe in his direction.
“You were nothing more than heavy baggage they were so ecstatic to have gotten rid of. It’s time to move on, Jacey. Don’t look back. Take your cue and leave with some pride left.”
“He needs to know,” I mumble.
“Know what, Jace? That you’re a pathetic human being who can’t move on from her gold-digging ways?”
“No, asswipe. That I’m pregnant with Rayne’s child.”
“Now you’ve just hit an all-time low, Jace. Are you not woman enough to stand on your own two feet? Is that it? You can’t make it in the world on your own, you need your money makers? Look at them. Their life is finally the way they want it without you holding them back. Rayne has had a different woman in his bed since the day you ran off. Don’t be ‘that’ woman, Jace. The one who uses a man to ensure her future. If, and that’s a big ‘if’, you are really pregnant, shouldn’t your kid come first? What kind of life will it have touring the country? Don’t be selfish. Think of someone other than yourself for once. You tell him this, and he’ll quit to be with you. He’ll end up working some menial job and be miserable for the rest of his life. Not only will he stop doing what he’s passionate about, but you’ll take his sisters down with him. None of them will keep going without him by their side. He’ll never forgive you for yanking his life out from under him and trapping him in a nine-to-five job. I’ll make sure you get financial assistance from the band, as long as you hand me proof that you are indeed pregnant.”
Anger from his words takes hold and I whip out my ultrasound picture. “Proof enough for you, jackass?”
“I’ll make sure your child never goes without, Jace. Just don’t tear the band apart and ruin everyone’s lives because you two forgot what birth control is for.” He gives me a look I can’t quite decipher and walks away with my sonogram picture in his hand.
He kept his word, and like clockwork, on the first of every month, I receive a five-thousand-dollar check. It’s set aside in an account for Hadley. If it’s the only thing she’ll ever receive from her father, at least she’ll have a nest egg to help her get a jump start on life.
That night, I ran and never looked back.
I’m not that woman.
I would never try to trap Rayne and keep him and the girls from realizing and fulfilling their dreams. I also knew at that moment that I’d never allow Hadley to be exposed to the lifestyle they were living. She had to be what was most important in my life. I had to put her best interests at heart, even though my heart had been shattered by the love of my life. Jameson was right—the tabloids shove it in my face every week, the playboy Rayne has become.
It still doesn’t ease the guilt I carry, but it keeps me motivated to sustain my vow of keeping Hadley far away.
Rayne
“Goodnight, Hazelbrook, Tennessee!” Sibley shouts into the microphone as we wrap up our set at this charity convention.
It was
an outdoor venue, every square inch of the grassy field is jammed packed, and we were the spotlight entertainment band. Looking out, I can’t help but wish we did more of these sorts of concerts. It’s a damn good cause in my eyes, which is how I convinced Jameson we needed to add it to our portfolio at the end of our scheduled tour.
His eyes widened when I told him the town I wanted to stay in, which makes me wonder if he’s known all along about Jacey and Hadley.
With no proof of my suspicions, I couldn’t confront him. I don’t want him to know that I’m aware of my daughter. Not until I speak with Jacey and hash a few things out, anyway.
When my sisters and I spoke of the future on the bus, we agreed that we’re all tired of the continuous traveling. We still want to perform, but we want to cut our tour time in half of what it currently is. We want to put down some roots and get to know Hadley, be an important part of her life and not just part-time here and there.
I want her to know that her father cares.
I am determined not to be an-every-other-weekend dad to her. I don’t know how all of this is going to work out, but I have to try. I never want her to feel neglected or second-best in my life.
Jameson walks onto our bus where we’re hydrating with gallons of water jugs. “So, I’ve found us a studio and apartment while we’re in the middle of podunk town. It’s two hours from here, but I know you’re all gonna love the place I’ve found.”
“No,” I say, looking up at him. “We stay here, in this town, exactly like we planned, Jameson.”
“That’s ludicrous! There’s nothing here but cornfields. How the hell are you supposed to record a new record if you’re not near a studio?” Jameson huffs, but it feels like more than that.
Uninhibited : Savage Wilde Page 3
