by Danny Gokey
I’m not against wealth, owning nice things, or even success, but I never want to find myself captive to the desire to have certain things to be happy. That’s when I’ll stop living out of the uniqueness that was placed inside me at birth. Investing in people is a gift I have to give the world. Living any other way will only leave me feeling out of place.
Learn to Adapt
Eventually, my parents could no longer afford to send me to private school. The local public school was an entirely different experience for me. We didn’t live in the nicest part of town, and the public high school I was zoned to attend was in a very troubled area. I went from being just another student in my old school to really standing out in my new one.
My first day, there were kids lighting up weed and throwing things in class. Kids were cussing at the teacher and calling him names. This was my introduction to public school. It was like something out of a movie. Not all of my classes were this bad, but this was a shock for me on my first day.
I’ll never forget the girl who stole my lunch my first day. Her name was Wanda. She walked right up to me in class and told me I was going to hand over my lunch to her or she was going to kick my [bleepity-bleep]. I didn’t know what to think. But between all the expletives, I figured I’d better give her my lunch. So I did.
Another time, I must’ve looked at a guy the wrong way and didn’t realize it because he threw an orange at my head. It missed me by an inch and smashed against the wall behind me.
Later that year, a guy checked me in the hallway. He got up in my face and threatened me because he said I had disrespected his girl. I didn’t even know what I had done. But he told me he’d beat me up if I did it again.
These kinds of occurrences happened every day in this school, and it was all so new to me. I laugh about it now because I was like a fish out of water. My parents had sheltered me my whole life, so much so that I didn’t even know how to respond to these situations at first.
On the last day of school, I was walking outside the school and noticed out of the corner of my eye that a black SUV had pulled up nearby. Deep in my gut, I knew what was about to happen. In a matter of seconds, I was surrounded by several guys who were not exactly interested in helping me with my homework. They were just looking for someone to beat up on and have a little “fun.” One of the guys smashed an egg against my head and it ran all over the side of my face and hair. He told me I owed him money. Of course, being my nonconfrontational, nerdy self, I tried to reason with the guy. I pushed my glasses up on my nose, pulled a pen out of my pocket protector, and proceeded to investigate the situation at hand. I told him I’d never seen him before and didn’t know who he was but that I’d like to make amends of the situation and help him find this person that somehow looked exactly like me. Then someone shouted, “Get him!” in the midst of my bartering. I couldn’t control myself anymore. I was so scared of what they might do that I suddenly felt a warm sensation running down my leg. I now understand how fear can overtake bladder control.
That day, I was jumped for the first time in my life, and I had no idea why. I didn’t understand. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I hadn’t offended anyone that I knew of. It just happened, and it all seemed out of this world to me.
Everything was new. I didn’t fit in, and I was reminded of it often. But I wanted to make sure I adapted and learned from these experiences so I wouldn’t duplicate that year. I didn’t want to be the guy everyone picked on; I wanted to be on their side.
At my old school, I was expected to show respect; at this one, I figured out quickly that I would have to earn respect. If I didn’t, I was likely to be pushed around until graduation.
It was a culture shock, but I learned to adapt to people’s differences. I saw a whole new world I had never experienced before. My parents were afraid for me to be at this school, but I was happy to be there and loved it more than the private (sheltered) school. Although it came with some hard lessons, it shaped me and forced me to find ways to fit in and appreciate the differences in others.
Appreciate Being Different
My perspective changed when I moved from private school to the public high school. It could have devastated me. Like some of my siblings, I could have dropped out altogether, or I could have begged my parents to let me return to my old school.
Instead of trying to escape feeling out of place, I used it to my advantage. No, I didn’t join a gang, start selling drugs, or begin beating up people in the hallway in an attempt to fit in. Instead, I saw the diversity I was thrust into as a way to discover an entirely new culture that operated from a different set of rules than I had ever experienced up to that point.
My education really started when I transferred schools. It was such an eye opener. Until that point in my life, my socialization was split between my church and a Christian school. Now I was in the middle of the real world, where things didn’t line up perfectly. This sort of education suited me, and it really shaped me into who I am today.
I watched people, learning what made them tick. I was good at this sort of learning and study. If they gave grades for studying human beings, learning about the great variety of people, language, and behavior I observed every day, I would’ve aced that course.
I wasn’t so good at classroom learning and test taking. Although I managed to graduate, my GPA was embarrassingly low, so I’m not going to share that. In fact, my oldest brother came up with the idea of hiding our report cards from my parents. He threatened us all within an inch of our lives if we didn’t go along with it. We would intercept the mail and hide our pink slips, which came every three weeks when you weren’t doing well in class. I thought it was pretty funny at first, until my parents found out. All it did was get us grounded. And when my parents grounded us, it was serious. We had to stay in our rooms and couldn’t talk on the phone, watch TV, or go outside. We couldn’t even go to other parts of the house.
Public school made me appreciate being different. We are out of place only when we don’t fit someone else’s ideas about what is in and what is out. Feeling out of place isn’t that bad. Everyone is — in a way — out of place.
Somewhere along the way, someone may tell you you’re not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not whatever enough. And if you hear that again and again, you start to believe it. That’s when you are most vulnerable. Why? Because you allow yourself to start believing the words other people speak into your life, and those words begin to shape and limit your future. It would be sad for your life to take the shape and go in the direction of those negative words. The greatest tragedy is that we will end up robbing ourselves of the joy that comes from living out of our uniqueness. We will find ourselves believing the words of others and living in a way that is not true to who we are. You are never more out of place than when you’re living out of someone else’s expectations.
See Differently
Simple is hardly a way to describe life. Why do we expect life to be anything but complex, layered with meaning, and multidimensional? Anything less denies the mystery of our destiny, something we must learn to live into by feeling out of place at times.
Embrace your uniqueness, even if that means feeling out of place.
Be out of place. Don’t try to escape it, run from it, or deny it. If you fail to find the strength that comes from feeling out of place, you may miss out on a great opportunity.
When you let someone intimidate you, you defeat yourself. If you exchange your true feelings and desires for the expectations of someone else, you will rob the world of the real gift you have to offer: you. And that would be a misfortune. When you try to be someone else or live up to someone else’s expectations, you won’t be able to sustain it. It will gut your being until you no longer remember what it feels like to be you. It is a place where death sets in. There is an advantage in feeling out of place. You learn to see things differently. Some of my greatest heroes changed the world because they saw the world differently. They didn’t form to any m
old or fit into what society viewed as the norm.
You may feel out of place within the community you live.
You may feel out of step with your friends.
You may feel out of sight to those you want to connect with.
But the greatest gift you have to give the world is yourself.
You were perfectly created. I don’t mean you are perfect. What I mean is that you were created with everything you need to step into your destiny if you choose not to conform to anything less than who you are.
When you find your value in the approval of others, you will be on a never-ending journey for your next high. You will always need someone else to tell you how smart you are, how talented you are, or how pretty you are. It is an endless search for someone else to like you, often at the expense of knowing you.
People tend to see and describe things in opposites: big or small, dark or light, tall or short. The problem with seeing the world in opposites is that we fail to see how similar things really are.
I could have continued to believe I was out of place in my new school because of the run-ins with other students I experienced. I could have agreed with them that there was something wrong with me. But if I had, I would have lost the strength to keep reaching forward in the direction hope was taking me. Think about all I would have missed out on if I had given in to their expectations of me and started to see myself as they saw me.
I’ve always felt as if I see the world in a different way than many people do. I believe it’s a gift I’ve been given. I’m not suggesting I have the power to see into the future or anything like that, but I do believe that seeing the world from a slightly different angle has helped me become who I am and accomplish all that I have.
When others see obstacles, I see opportunities.
When others see failure, I see a chance to learn.
When others see the impossible, I see what could be.
I want to challenge you to see things differently. I want you to see yourself as someone who is uniquely gifted and special. You may not yet fully understand the gift that is within you, but you are — already — very special. Our gifts and talents have been given specifically to us for a reason. Whether you feel special or not, the truth is that you are. Even when you feel out of place and see things differently than everyone else, you are uniquely you. Embrace who you are, and never let anyone intimidate you because they think you’re someone different than who you really are inside. We are all different and unique in our own way. We need to learn to appreciate the beautiful differences in one another.
Be you. That’s the person I like, even without knowing you. Why? Because you are unique and gifted and probably feel a little out of place, just like I do.
Chapter 10
Wandering Through Life
You have to reach through the dark to find an answer.
After I graduated from high school, I bounced from job to job for a time. It seemed that as soon as I found a job, I found a reason to no longer be employed there. Well, actually, most of the time I got fired. The truth is I didn’t like to work, and that was a big problem.
At this point in my life, Milwaukee may have been my hometown, but it became the one place I didn’t want to be anymore. I decided to head to Minnesota as a way of starting over. I had some friends up there, and I needed to get away. I had no idea what I was doing with my life, and I had no plan. I just assumed that things would fall into place.
I stayed in Minnesota for just six months. Nothing against the place; I think I just realized how much I missed Milwaukee. I missed my friends. I missed what was familiar to me. I missed my family. There was something within me that made me feel it was time to go home again. I started realizing that everything I left behind was so important to me.
So at twenty, I moved back to Milwaukee. My attitude was completely different from what it was when I had left. I had a much more positive outlook on life. I can’t really explain it. When you remove yourself from what is familiar — even for a short period of time — and then return, many things seem new. Things I had taken for granted became things I greatly appreciated. Sometimes our familiarity with things can blind us to their true value.
Finding My Place
When I got back to Milwaukee, I stayed with friends and bounced around from house to house. I would stay as long as they would let me. There would always come a time for that conversation: that it was time for me to move along and find another place to live.
It was hard not having a place I could call home. It certainly matched how I felt inside. I was all over the place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
The hardest part about moving around so much and being completely dependent on other people is that you begin to lose your sense of self-worth. You begin to see yourself as a burden to others and having no future. I really had to fight against that, but I also didn’t know exactly what I was fighting for.
The first weekend after getting back to Milwaukee, I went to a new church called Faith Builders. It was really hip and had great music and a bunch of people my age. I was hungry to be something more than I was. I didn’t have all the answers, but I started seeking to become a better person. I wanted to look for the story God has written for my life.
I knew I wanted to be a better me, but I didn’t know how to do that. This is really where I started learning what God thought about me, which helped shape my self-image. I started to hang around other people who wanted to be all they were created to be, and this inspired me to do the same. It started to transform my mind. It pushed me to find my place. I didn’t realize until then how much influence the people we surround ourselves with have on us. People can either push us toward our best version of ourselves or influence us to be a carbon copy of everyone else. Things were starting to come together for me, more than they ever had in the past.
Within a few months of attending this church, I got involved in the praise and worship team. I knew this was confirmation I was on the right track and things were starting to happen for me.
Way More Than a Job
I went from a warehouse job to a telemarketing job to waiting tables. But something was happening inside of me. The lessons and influence and friends I had at my new church were starting to push me toward my purpose.
One of my favorite jobs during this time was working with inner-city kids at Journey House, a nonprofit organization. I worked with kids from four years old all the way up to eighteen. It was my first steady job, and I had my first office (with an actual door). I was paid $20,000 a year. This kind of work made me feel I was doing something significant.
I was the recreational coordinator for a summer camp program and an after-school program. I could never figure out who needed whom more: Did the kids I worked with need me, or did I need them? I suspect it was a little of both. I played basketball with them, went bowling with them, and became part of their lives. Their stories had a tremendous impact on me.
One time when I was working at the summer program, there was a four-year-old boy whose mom forgot to come pick him up. I ended up taking this boy with me because he was left there for several hours. I picked up Sophia and we took him out to eat, all the while trying to reach his mom. We couldn’t get in touch with her or any of his emergency contacts. None of the family members listed were answering their phones. He was basically just forgotten. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. How do you forget a child, especially a four-year-old child? His mom eventually came to pick him up around nine that night. She said she had been working.
Things like this happened all the time. There was so much dysfunction in these kids’ lives. I had to learn to look past bad attitudes and see what the real issues were with these kids. There were a lot of disrespectful kids, and every single one was part of a broken home. Some of the parents weren’t even grown up themselves, and it was shocking to see how they talked to their children. I can understand why the cycle is repeated with these kids. I saw patterns in these kids’ lives that m
imicked the generations before them and set them up to repeat the same patterns. I knew they could be changed if someone took the time to help them. I have a strong desire to see people break these patterns to a point of freedom. People can’t always see the potential of what they can be. I saw myself breaking out of patterns at this time in my life, and I wanted to help these kids do the same. I was able to assess patterns in others and recognize why people do what they do.
Some people are born with a passion to change the world. I feel as though I were born with a blank slate. Anyone could write on me, and it affected me. I didn’t know who I was, but I always trusted that I could do more than what I was presently doing. I realized I didn’t have to accept the way things were. Some people say there are born leaders. I turned into a leader.
A lot of kids don’t know who they are. They may feel like me — a blank slate — and they don’t discover who they really are in life. Anyone with a strong voice can come along and influence them, whether for good or bad. I wanted to become a voice of hope for these kids because there were voices of hope that influenced me. I saw the value of investing in people.
There was a time when I felt as if I had no vision and was not headed in a direction of fulfilling my purpose. I wanted to invest in people like others invested in me.
I quickly realized that this is what I love doing most. I felt like I had found my purpose in life. It was way more than just a job; it was an outlet for me. Though I didn’t know it yet, this was a huge time of preparation for my future work at Sophia’s Heart. From that experience, I knew I wanted to be involved in this kind of work the rest of my life. I saw it as a way to make a difference.
True happiness is found when we discover the treasure in other people. Nonprofit work is focused — or at least it should be — on people in need. I think this is why I connected with the work so much and consider it to be a great fit. I want to leave my legacy within other people.
