In emotional attitudes in general and romantic love in particular, the past circumstances of the individual are important. Although the past seems to be unchangeable and unfixable, our attitudes toward past events, and hence the impact of the past upon us, mean a great deal for our future relations. Thus, a positive memory bias may be a mechanism of maintaining satisfaction in long-term relationships.2 William Faulkner went so far as to say, “The past isn’t dead. It’s not even past.”
The importance of the past is nicely expressed in Kobi Oz’s witty remark “Do not forget to remember me.” Sometimes remembering the past is spontaneous, but sometimes we need to invest some effort and take concrete steps to remember people or experiences from the past. The lover’s request of his beloved not to forget to remember him after their separation is reasonable in the sense of not totally erasing a meaningful past—even if that remembering does not lead to any concrete actions.
Sometimes we should cry over spilled milk; otherwise how would we learn to value milk and how would we avoid spilling it again? One of the best ways to take account of the past is to take account of our emotions, as emotions are shaped by, among other things, past events. In the emotional importance of the availability of an alternative, or what might have been, we see the importance of the past for our emotions.3
In discussing emotional intensity, I have distinguished between two major groups, one referring to the perceived impact of the event eliciting the emotional state and the other to background circumstances of the individual involved in the emotional state. The impact of the event will depend on the strength, reality, and relevance of the event. The individual’s background circumstances are made up of her responsibility for the emotional change, her readiness for the change, and her deservingness of the specific emotional change.4
Although background circumstances might seem unrelated to a current situation, they can serve to prevent or promote similar experiences in the future. Thus, the more effort we invest in something, the more meaningful it becomes and the stronger the emotion associated with it. As the saying goes, “The more you pay, the more it is worth.” The importance of the past in romantic relationships is related to the value of shared activities in a loving relationship. Significant disasters or joys, everyday hardships, and the development of the relationship are integral to the formation of romantic profundity.
However, focusing all of our attention on the romantic past would prevent us from investing in the romantic present and could lead to perceiving the present as a compromise. Although it is unhelpful to ruminate on past failures and successes, neglecting the past can be equally problematic.
Sometimes, it is truly best not to cry over spilled milk. When a loving relationship ends, there is no reason to continue to live in the past. The best route is often to look forward to the next meaningful relationship. The demise of one’s love does not mean the death of one’s life—not even one’s love life. However, our lives would be rather shallow if we were to blot out the past, which is really the groundwork of who we are and what we have experienced and learned.
What factors have an impact on the revival of a past romantic relationship? If love was profound at the time of separation, if the separation was the result of external circumstances that no longer exist, and if the quality of the lovers’ current relationships is low, then the chances are very high. However, people usually change after they separate, and this can influence the probability of their reunion. Age and the partners’ experiences during the intervening years might have made them more tolerant toward each other, but the opposite might also be true—they might have changed to the point that their love is no longer possible.
In a true love story from the Holocaust, Hedy Weisz, a young Jewish woman, and Tibor Schroedder, a Christian reservist in the Hungarian forces allied with the Nazis, were engaged to be married when World War II erupted. However, after the war, having survived the Auschwitz concentration camp, Hedy, who still loved Tibor very much, refused to meet and marry him. She said that she was now a different person, not the woman whom Tibor had admired and loved. She did not want his admiration and fantasies to be shattered.5 Similarly, in Henry James’s novel The Wings of the Dove, after two lovers withhold their love and conceal their engagement, they separate—only to later realize “We shall never be again as we were!”
Books aside, however, people sometimes do not change so much that love cannot flourish again after many years of separation. Romantic love, which involves some degree of idealization of the beloved, also involves the idealization of the past. Thus, when asked whether true love remains forever, one woman answered in the affirmative and cited her first love as an example—despite the fact that she had angrily terminated that relationship six years previously.
Yearning for Ex-lovers
I am very discreet. The only reason I told my ex-lover about my current lover is that I wanted him to see that his chances are zero (at the moment). I am not sure it has worked.
A MARRIED WOMAN
The impact of the past on our romantic life is also expressed in the search to reignite a relationship with a past lover. Today, the positive aspect of the romantic past has given impetus to the search for ex-lovers. Thus, research has found that nearly half of adult daters and cohabiters report a reconciliation (a breakup followed by reunion), and over half of those who break up continue their sexual relationship together (“sex with an ex”).6 This on/off relationship and the appeal of the ex-lover, which reflect considerable instability and uncertainty in adult intimate relationships, have a substantial effect on increasing romantic compromises. The current partner might be considered as a romantic compromise not merely because of future available opportunities but also because the romantic past, which is highly emotional, is not dead—as it is possible to revive old loves. The ability to be happy with your romantic lot is becoming more complex with every touch of the screen.
The renewed searches for past lovers are driven by two factors, a substantial one and a technical one. The substantial factor relates to the value of nostalgia, of which idealization of the past is an essential element. The technical factor is that the information superhighway has made it rather simple to track down ex-lovers.
Nostalgia is a wistful, sentimental longing for the past, often in an idealized form. The term “nostalgia” also has a medical meaning, referring to a form of melancholy. Nostalgia often embroiders upon “the good old days,” which become idealized in the current circumstances. It is a longing for circumstances that no longer exist or might never have existed. In fact, it has a utopian dimension due to the considerable role that imagination plays in it. Hence, nostalgia is often about a virtual reality that cannot be actualized. In this sense, nostalgia is not always about the past; it can also be directed toward the future or the present. Nostalgia is a bittersweet longing that combines the pleasurable feeling of the past with the pain of the experience that is now absent. Its content is very positive, but its absence in reality generates pain. Idealization of the past has two opposing consequences. On the one hand, we might feel like we are in an inferior situation compared to our previous one, and idealizing it can leave us feeling sad; on the other hand, we might feel that we have done something meaningful in our life, and this puts us in a better situation.
Lovers who have separated from each other typically feel a sense of longing. They think about their beloveds and suffer because they are not able to be with them. Hence, people like to hear that their lovers long for them, even though it means that the lovers are suffering, as their suffering signals their love for us and their regret at ending the relationship. The gratification we feel when our ex-lovers long for us is less an expression of pleasure in others’ misfortune than an awareness of their love for us even when we are not actually together. Of course, it can also be flattering, and therefore pleasurable, to know that you and your lover are still crazy about each other after all these years.
Ex-lovers are popular search subjects these da
ys on the internet and social networks. In a sense, many ex-lovers never disappear from view. It is hard to forget your ex-lover when he is visible on your screen. Indeed, many people have tried to locate an ex-lover in the hopes of rekindling their romantic sentiments. From the distance of time, our memory can enhance our love for our exes, making the relationship seem better than it probably was. We thus feel justified in our romantic search and optimistic about its success. Being familiar with the person for whom we are searching gives the search greater legitimacy and provides us with a kind of cushion in case our current relationship should fail. However, this cushion often prevents us from being happy with the love we already have.
The idealization of the past and the comfort of approaching a familiar person make the notion of reconnecting with previous lovers appealing. However, after the excitement of reunion, the past difficulties can resurface. Change comes hard to us, and the flaws of the past are likely to reemerge in the future. It seems that if the two people were just friends in their youth, the chances of them engaging in a successful romantic relationship in the present are greater. If they shared a committed romantic relationship and separated after not being able to make it work, either because of lack of love or personal incompatibility, the likelihood that they will succeed this time is small. Nonetheless, being older and having gained further romantic experience might change the present circumstances to the extent that a renewed relationship with someone from the past proves more successful than before. Sometimes, the failure of the past relationship was not due to lack of love or to incompatibility but to external circumstances that no longer exist.
People find it easier to have a sexual relationship with an ex-lover than with someone new, as the familiarity and shared history between the former lovers facilitate such activity.7 In addition, given their previous sexual intimacy, they might perceive it as a more legitimate activity and a lesser sin. In this sense, ex-lovers do indeed constitute a threat and thus often generate greater romantic jealousy in the current partner than someone new on the scene. Reviving past romantic experiences can have a devastating effect on our current relationships.
The Present and the Future: It Is Now or Never versus Loving You Forever
I want to embrace life’s every ounce and have great sex and love and experiences and food and wine and massages and swimming in the ocean and poetry and movies before I die!!!!!!
A MARRIED WOMAN
Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience. Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise; because of impatience we cannot return.
W. H. AUDEN
Forever and a day, that’s how long I’ll be loving you.
KELLY ROWLAND
In the present and future dimensions, too, time cuts both ways: only the present is meaningful, while the future is insignificant, or the future is the most meaningful because it is forever. Romantic love often involves impatience, which expresses a narrow temporal perspective. The romantic heart is typically described as impatient: in the words of Elvis Presley, “It’s now or never, be mine tonight, . . . tomorrow will be too late.” The theme of an impatient heart and the disregard for time is expressed in verses from another Presley song: “One night with you, is what I’m now praying for,” as such a night “would make my dreams come true.” Indeed, if a single night would enable your dreams to come true, why bother with profound qualities essential for satisfaction through many days and nights? The saying “See Naples and die” carries a similar meaning: It can feel so fulfilling to see the beauty of Naples that once you have done so, you have experienced everything that is truly important in life. Similarly, in the movie The Hours, the character of Virginia Woolf says, “A woman’s whole life in a single day. Just one day. And in that day her whole life.” There are indeed circumstances—such as the day that the two lovers first met—in which one day makes all the difference.
Romantic relationships, however, are not based on a single night; they are about the ongoing development of a couple’s flourishing. Sometimes, a one-off or short-term experience can compensate for a long period of suffering, but our main concern should be how to promote the continual enjoyment and thriving of our everyday romantic life. Sexual desire is impatient, while profound love is patient. Sexual desire is partial and brief; it does not last forever, and when it exists, it demands immediate fulfillment. It is hard to be patient when your body is on fire.
We see the conflict between impatient intensity and patient profundity in the way that people (more so women than men) tend to temporarily block fulfilling intense romantic desires in order to achieve greater romantic profundity. Two major ways of doing this are (1) the playing-hard-to-get mode of behavior, and (2) the “in-due-course” policy. In the playing-hard-to-get mode of behavior, the individual hides her genuine interest in order to assess the partner’s attitude; in the in-due-course policy, both partners are aware of their love but decide to take the time necessary for their own attitudes to develop and become more profound. In both cases, love must be developed and “earned” and becomes more meaningful over time by enduring the pain of postponing desirable—mainly sexual—interactions. The in-due-course policy is the more serious route of the two. This policy does not necessarily cast doubt on the lover’s sincerity, as is often the case in playing hard to get; rather, it involves investing more time so that profundity can be established. The in-due-course policy constitutes a kind of prolonged courtship. Indeed, marital happiness is positively associated with the length of the courtship period.8
The heart becomes impatient with matters that appear to have merely superficial, extrinsic value, since in such matters the heart is driven to achieve its goals as fast as possible. In these circumstances, the heart is less willing to invest resources, including time and effort. In profound love, when you are deeply satisfied with your situation, there is no need to rush into anything. The general mood of a patient heart is that of calm, peaceful joy. For the impatient heart, any distance or delay is intolerable. For the patient heart, distance is part of the meaningful togetherness; hence, it can tolerate some types of distance. In the same vein, when love is very intense, toleration is quite difficult. As a married woman said, “I would not call my behavior tolerant, as I was not tolerant toward my lover when he behaved in a wrong way (from my perspective). I love him too much to show tolerance.”
Our society has made us impatient—expecting quick rewards for whatever we do. From instant coffee to instant love, we have become trained to demand rapid fulfillment, immediate gratification, and quick results.
In contrast to romantic impatience, which diminishes the role of the future, and generally of time in love, lovers often speak about their patient heart—their readiness to wait for the beloved. Consider the following description by a married man about his feelings while awaiting the arrival of his married lover: “I always came early to our meeting place. Though I was very excited to see her, I felt a kind of calm elation. I had all the patience in the world, as I knew that she would always come, and then I would be in heaven. Sometimes, I even wanted the waiting to last a bit longer, because it felt so good.” As profound romantic love takes account of the long term, there is no reason to be impatient while the beloved is absent. When you know that paradise awaits you, you are more likely to feel pleasurable expectation than impatience.
The idealization of waiting for the beloved demonstrates the value of time in romantic relationships, even if this time does not involve shared activities but merely anticipating such activities. Conversely, when the time spent waiting with no shared activities is too long, it can put the relationship itself at risk. Hence, a beautiful song by the Mills Brothers states, “Till then, my darling, please wait for me . . . Some day, I know I’ll be back again . . . I know every gain must have a loss, so pray that our loss is nothing but time.” Although the loss of time may not necessarily be the loss of a relationship, it is often a significant, painful loss.
The above conflicting attitudes toward
the present and the future express the conflict between short-term intense (mainly sexual) experiences and long-term profound love. In the view that foregrounds romantic intensity and relegates romantic profundity to the back burner, the role of the future in romantic love is similarly dismissed. Such intensity calls for immediate actions that will increase the peak of the flame. This attitude is associated with the idea that because life is brief, it is also insignificant. If life is short, and there is nothing that follows, we had better enjoy the brief time given to us by focusing on superficial pleasurable activities. Ironically, however, filling our life with such activities alone can shorten our life and reduce our pleasure. Taking the hedonistic attitude of “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die” can satisfy some immediate sexual desires, but it will prevent profound happiness. It is a superficial means that often worsens one’s situation and contributes to ill health and despair.
Limiting ourselves to the immediate romantic present and disregarding the future are impossible, as we live surrounded by possible romantic opportunities. It is hard to act without considering various options—what might be and what could have been. The many alluring possibilities currently available have made love in modern times a rather fluid concept. Accordingly, romantic bonds tend to be frailer than in the past.9 Such possibilities prevent us from enjoying long-term profound romantic experiences. The superficial, short-term experiences of eating, drinking, and having casual sex are hardly affected in such circumstances, as their brief duration does not exclude other possible superficial pleasurable experiences. It is the profound experiences that we risk losing out on.
Concluding Remarks
Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget.
ALYSHA SPEER
The Arc of Love Page 11
