You can take my husband but do not dare touch my lover.
A MARRIED WOMAN TO HER FRIEND
As with most things in life, virtues in love, such as romantic knowledge and curiosity, are useful in moderation but dangerous in excess. We should aim to know and understand our partner and our love, as this is of practical use. However, when curiosity pushes the boundaries toward adultery, and even in less extreme cases, such as romantic window-shopping, the superficial benefits are sometimes outweighed by the profound costs. Superficial intrinsically valuable activities are enjoyable and are an important aspect of the good life; however, they can be harmful when they become addictive. Whereas we would hardly ever speak about excessive romantic profundity, we do speak about excessive romantic intensity. Profound love is the ideal to aim for because it offers deep and meaningful reciprocity, which is intrinsically valuable. While such profundity does not mean experiencing intense love at every moment, it does entail constant appreciation and respect for one’s partner, who is viewed as a valuable, essential part of one’s life.
10
Sexual Relationships
I am happier in my marriage when I am dating other married men. Sad but true.
A MARRIED WOMAN
This chapter focuses on some major types of sexual relationships, discussing in particular casual sex, friendship with benefits, one-sided sex, sexual generosity, makeup and breakup sex, and sex and eating.
Casual Sex
I want to have sex all night long. Just not with my husband!
A WOMAN IN HER EARLY SIXTIES
My marriage is pretty great. But I think about other guys all the time.
A MARRIED WOMAN
Casual sexual relationships, which consist of sexual encounters outside of committed relationships, are attempts to overcome what seems to be the greatest compromise in a marriage (or other committed relationships): the loss of sexual freedom.1
Types of Casual Sex
I implied to my lover that I’d rather be a fuck buddy, rather than more. Trying to keep the emotional attachment at arm’s length.
A MARRIED WOMAN
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Jocelyn Wentland and Elke Reissing divide casual sexual relationships into four major types: “one-night stands,” “booty calls,” “fuck buddies,” and “friends with benefits.” Each type is distinguished from the others by both its degree of romantic superficiality and its temporal aspects. One-night stands, which are the most superficial encounter, involve the least emotionally intimate experience and often take place between strangers or after brief acquaintance. One-night stands occur only once, and the relationship usually ends when the individuals part company. Booty calls refer to a communication initiated with the urgent intent of having a sexual encounter. Unlike one-night stands, the purpose of booty calls is to engage in repeated sexual activity with an acquaintance. Despite the acquaintance, individuals participating in booty calls do not consider each other friends, they typically do not stay overnight, and they share minimal affection. Booty calls are not planned in advance. Their unpredictability and spontaneity are one of their characteristics. When booty calls become too regular or frequent, the participants are considered to be fuck buddies. Fuck buddies are already friends, but their friendship is largely limited to sexual interactions. Friendship with benefits involves the most profound activity among casual sexual relationships. In this type, the partners are first of all friends, and then they add the bonus of the sexual benefit.2
Friendship with Benefits
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
OSCAR WILDE, Lady Windermere’s Fan
Among the above types of casual sex, I briefly discuss friendship with benefits, which is the closest to romantic love, as it involves the two major components of such love: friendship plus sex as a benefit. As in love, this friendship involves a concern for your friend for her own sake and not for your own; the other has her own intrinsic value. However, it does not constitute romantic love, since the relationship lacks the profound commitment of a long-term partner whom the lover deeply cares about and consistently engages in various sorts of activities with. Having both friendship and the sex together, while dropping commitment and most of the sharing, is different from profound romantic love; nevertheless, it is usually a pleasurable and exciting relationship.
In economic terms, friendship with benefits is a relationship that cuts the costs and reduces the revenue. It cuts the costs in that there is hardly any price to pay for being together or switching; one can replace the partner and the type of relationship in a relatively cost-free manner. The revenue is reduced because the greatest prize of all, profound romantic love, is excluded.
Friendship with benefits is a kind of disorganized relationship; the time between the meetings is not fixed, and the length of the relationship in its present form is not determined. People are aware of its relatively brief duration, but this does not bother them much, as this relationship enables them to exercise their romantic freedom. Friendship with benefits is relatively brief, since at some point in their lives most people will want to settle down and find a long-term partner for their primary relationship. However, such friendship is often not a matter of weeks or months, but of a good few years. Given the restless nature of our world, such duration is also of value. Moreover, unlike marriage, friendship with benefits does not prevent its participants from looking around and finding another, more fulfilling relationship.
Friendship with benefits is not suitable for all people or for all periods of our lives. It is particularly difficult when the friends are married (to other people), or when they wish to build a family and raise children. A major difficulty for such a relationship is the common case in which one partner wants more than just sexual intimacy. This dissonance complicates the relationship and can become humiliating for the friend who wants more. The optimal circumstances for friendship with benefits are those of young people before marriage and older people who have older children.
How Quickly Should Couples Fall in Love (or into Bed)?
You can’t hurry love; no, you just have to wait: You got to trust, give it time, no matter how long it takes.
THE SUPREMES
I love when you surprise me with a quickie.
MANY PEOPLE
The paradox of quickness in love can be formulated as follows: there are persuasive arguments for not rushing love and good reasons for the value of quickies. Can we both not rush love and still enjoy having quickies?
Quickness, Rushing, and Hurry
Fastness is not one of my top priorities. I’d rather be “sensitive” and “wise,” which takes time—it takes the time it takes. I ask my lover to give me some time.
A MARRIED WOMAN
When we wish to talk about moving fast, we have lots of terms to choose from: “quickness,” “haste,” “rushing,” and “hurry” all fit the bill. Each of these words, however, has a slightly different sense—haste involves moving hurriedly and in a careless manner; rushing implies doing something too quickly without thinking carefully enough; and hurry refers to acting unusually quickly. Notice the common denominator? Negativity. Quickness seems to stand out as the one neutral choice in the list.
Quickness, then, is not negative by nature. But quickness can take on a negative feel when it prevents profound activities that take time. There seems to be a kind of quickness paradox: we can do a great deal of good while moving quickly, but we can get stuck in the quicksand of superficiality.
Time is indeed essential for profound love. Yet, that does not mean that quick—and yes, even superficial—activities are of no value in specific circumstances. As we will see, it’s all about balance.
Why Are Quickies Often Good?
Seize the moment. And go for a quickie.
SLOGAN
A sexual quickie i
s a brief or spontaneous episode of sexual activity. Sometimes, this is 100 percent appropriate. In the heat of passion, it would be completely inappropriate to observe the niceties of polite society. Leave folding one’s clothing for another time. Passionate quickies are often the right thing to do—as the old saying goes, just what the doctor ordered.
Yet, for many, slow sex remains a perennial preference. Partners can derive pleasure and meaning from enjoying their time together, growing closer and strengthening their connection. Both types of sex—wild and brief, and long and tender—are of great value. It is only when quickies are the only ice cream flavor available that things tend to sour. When it’s a quickie or nothing, the development of more profound activities may be blocked.
Modern society has a problem: it loves “fast,” but many things require “slow.” Make no mistake: fast food and fast sex have their place. But the ideal of efficiency can go haywire. Orgasm—or any other satisfaction—can be achieved quickly. But romantic profundity takes time.
Why Is Rushing Love Bad?
Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.
SØREN KIERKEGAARD
Don’t rush into love, because even in fairytales, the happy ending takes place on the last page.
UNKNOWN
When we speak of rushing love, we are talking about trying to establish a profound relationship without giving love its due course for development. At the risk of cliché, love, like a garden, must be cultivated, becoming more and more lush over time.
When they follow the in-due-course policy, the romantic partners take the time necessary for their own attitudes to develop. This policy supports a kind of prolonged courtship, which is quite beneficial for the development of the relationship.
Bibi Deitz has penned a helpful “Don’t Rush” list:
1. Don’t rush deciding if you’re with “The One.”
2. Don’t rush spending lots of time together right away.
3. Don’t rush your quality time.
4. Don’t rush saying “I love you.”
5. Don’t rush moving in together.
6. Don’t rush trust.
7. Don’t rush important talks.
8. Don’t rush commitment.
9. Don’t rush marriage.3
Deitz’s list includes features of a full-fledged, committed romantic relationship. Trying to have all of these features immediately is rushing, for it includes doing things hastily, which we may regret. Our own list should be taken slowly, adding features gradually. Instant gratification can feel great—but sometimes, it feels great only for that instant. For example, it can be useful to endure the pain of postponing desirable, often sexual interactions, or to refrain from having intimate conversations before the time is right. Of course, every couple moves at its own pace. But a perspective that aims to achieve these aspects all at once is harmful because it interferes with the natural progression of establishing romantic profundity.
“You can’t hurry love” is true with respect to profound love. And Deitz’s “Don’t Rush” list is a healthy reminder. Let’s return to our balance, for a moment, however. Some people go to the opposite extreme and refuse to even enter the waters of romance. They often have good reasons, typically related to fear of vulnerability. But drifting with the romantic current is important. Without it, we get marooned on the island of solitude.
To sum up, from the point of view of the good life, quickness can go either way. In our accelerated romantic environment, it is easy for quickness to turn into rushing, preventing the development of romantic profundity. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater and avoid quickies entirely (in the bathtub or elsewhere). Aristotle, we might mention, considered harmful not only emotional excess, but also emotional lack. It’s all about balance.
You should not rush love in order to reach the sexual goal as fast as possible. The pace of gaining sexual satisfaction can vary, and quickies are not the only, and typically not the main, game in town.
One-Sided Sex
I have sex with my husband to maintain industrial peace in the home, but all my emotional resources are focused on my lover. After I check sex off my “to-do list,” I feel bad about trading sex for this peace. I never talk about this with my husband.
A MARRIED WOMAN
Reciprocity is central to romantic love and to sex. The lack of reciprocity—the knowledge that you are not loved or desired by your partner—usually leads to a decrease in the degree of love and ultimately to humiliation and breakup. However, one-sided (unrequited) love and sex can also be found in long-term relationships. Even more common is the presence of unequal romantic or sexual involvement between partners—for example, when you love or desire your partner, but your partner does not love and desire you as much. In some relationships, one partner might not be sexually attracted to the other or might have a lower degree of sexual desire. One common option in these circumstances is to allow the partner to find sexual satisfaction outside of the relationship. Another option is to participate in one-sided sex.
Sex is typically a pleasurable experience, but there are some circumstances in which sex is not pleasurable for one partner. Some of these kinds of one-sided sex occur in long-term relationships; others are occasional. Sexual interactions based on the motivations of those who are not sexually attracted to their partners include pity sex, charity sex, and peace-inducing sex.
Pity (or mercy) sex. In pity sex, a person is not particularly attracted to someone who is in love with them and who wishes to have sex with them, but sleeps with that person because they feel sorry for her or wish to provide her with some momentary happiness. Consider the following description by a woman of her pity sex experience: “I’ve been friends with this guy for five years. He is the sweetest guy and I know he would treat me like gold, but I’m just not physically attracted to him. He’s not attractive at all. . . . After confessing his love to me . . . I had sex with him . . . pity sex. I just wanted him to be happy and I do really care about him . . . I wish I never slept with him.” A similar description of a pity sex experience is provided by another woman: “I would say my sex drive is about zero right now. Last night we had sex. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Even kissing made me nauseous.”
Charity sex. Common in ongoing long-term relationships, charity sex occurs in an effort to avoid deterioration of the relationship. It is a sort of investment in the relationship. Like other investments, we might not see the benefits at the beginning, but we increase the prospects of reaping these benefits later on. In charity sex, you love your partner, so you have sex despite the fact that you do not feel like having sex at that moment (or at all). Charity sex, which is a kind of consolation prize, might not be enjoyable, but it typically does not involve suffering, as pity sex does. In both pity sex and charity sex, someone engages in sex in order to meet the needs of another person, but in charity sex, it takes place in a more profound and enduring relationship.
Peace-inducing sex. “Industrial peace” refers to an agreement by an employer and employees to abstain from industrial actions, such as strikes and lockouts. In the same vein, we can discuss industrial peace in marriage, or in other long-term committed relationships, as a state in which both partners abstain from sexual sanctions, such as sexual deprivation or frequent “headaches,” engaging instead in peace-inducing sex. The purpose of this type of “peace” is to ensure an ongoing, smooth relationship in which the two parties decide to stay together even in the absence of profound love or intense passion.
The value of industrial peace in organizations is clear: the employer and employee often have common interests and goals and can fulfill them without necessarily liking each other. Is marital industrial peace also valuable? In marriage, the partners also have common interests and goals. They can try to fulfill these without being profoundly in love or feeling intensely passionate toward each other. If they decide that the show must go on, they need to find a way to peacefully coexist in which
they both benefit—even if there is a lack of passion. However, such peace can have emotional costs.
It is very common for romantic partners to experience situations in which they have conflicting sexual desires. When lack of sexual desire and situations of one-sided sex become permanent, they can involve considerable mental cost. Less extreme cases of one-sided sex, in which the lack of sexual desire is not permanent, but limited to specific circumstances, can be valuable. Thus, research reveals that the motivation to meet a partner’s sexual needs, termed “sexual communal strength,” enhances relationship and sexual satisfaction. However, whereas pursuing sex for promoting goals, such as to enhance intimacy, fuels satisfaction, pursuing sex for preventing goals, such as to avoid disappointing a partner, detracts from satisfaction. The former clearly involves sexual generosity.4
Sexual Generosity
For it is in giving that we receive.
FRANCIS OF ASSISI
Generosity is the virtue of giving to another without expecting anything in return. It is characterized by a willingness to give the other person good things freely and abundantly and by giving more than expected—beyond the call of duty. Many religions and moral traditions praise generosity. This praise is not unjustified: studies show that generosity is good for us, physically and mentally. Generosity can decrease blood pressure, reduce stress, help you live longer, boost your mood, promote social connections, and improve the quality of your marriage.5
Generosity is positively associated with marital satisfaction, and the lack of it is associated with marital conflict and perceived likelihood of divorce.6 Whether or not generosity within marriage stems from merely altruistic motives or from a wish to be treated generously in return is an open question. It is probably associated with both—kindness and reciprocity are high on the list of desired qualities in a romantic partner. Conversely, when people are asked to name three negative qualities that would make them shun a prospective partner, stinginess appears on most lists. Generosity is an essential positive framework for prosperous marital relationships: it is natural to be generous toward the one you love.
The Arc of Love Page 23
