The Need for Romantic Cartilage
The closer you are to someone, the more intolerable is the distance between the two of you.
TEA
Do we need distance to get close?
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Geographical proximity and frequent face-to-face interactions have long been considered crucial for promoting romantic relationships. However, too much closeness can be too much of a good thing. Since an essential aspect of love and lasting romantic togetherness is that of personal flourishing, and as we do many of our self-expressive activities on our own, the complete elimination of all types of temporal and geographical distance can be harmful.
Cartilage is the body’s connective tissue. It provides support and protects bones from the friction that would otherwise result from bones rubbing against each other at the joints. Romantic distance can be seen as a kind of shock absorber that functions similarly to cartilage: it protects lovers from the friction that excessive proximity causes. People keep different kinds of distance to reduce such personal friction in their close intimate relationships.
In contrast to the romantic ideal of unity, marriage counselors warn that spending too much time with the beloved can decrease love.9 Indeed, it seems that some degree of distance, which allows for personal space, is important for a personal relationship. Distance can focus the partners’ attention on the profound aspects of their relationships and help them to disregard the superficial ones. Significant and temporally extended physical distance might harm relationships, but a more restricted distance can be beneficial.
Those in one’s inner circle sometimes want a bit of distance. This can have to do with the feeling that someone’s influence or demands are too strong. Debra Mashek and Michelle Sherman compiled a list of powerful terms that people who report a desire for less closeness use to describe their experience: “caged in,” “controlled,” “imbalanced,” “locked down,” “merged,” “not being able to escape,” “oppressed,” “overwhelmed,” “possessed,” “imprisoned,” “restricted,” “suffocated,” and “trapped.” Such terms evoke a sense of extreme influence or control, as well as an impingement on freedom. Indeed, the major cause for desiring less closeness is a perceived threat to one’s personal control and identify. Let’s listen to one of Mashek and Sherman’s interviewees: “For seven years, every decision, from what to eat for dinner to where to live, has been made by the two of us together. I want to make some decisions on my own; I don’t want my life to be tied to my partner.”10 Without question, autonomy undergirds profound romantic love.
Does the Heart Grow Fonder with Distance?
Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it kindles the great.
ROGER DE RABUTIN
Despite the popular phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” both closeness and distance can make the heart grow fonder, as well as make it forget some types of love.
Distance (in the sense of absence) adds to our everyday perspective on our romantic relation. It can extinguish the weak flame of a romantic candle or stoke a strong romantic fire. Thus, distance is the best way to recover from a broken heart and at the same time a good way to reassure the hesitating heart. Along these lines, too much closeness can prevent you from seeing the virtues of your beloved, as when putting something over your eyes prevents you from seeing it. But closeness in the sense of closely interacting with each other is likely to increase romantic profundity.
Once again, it is balance—this time between distance and closeness—that is the burning bottom line.
Dynamic Calmness Is the New Romantic Excitement
I discovered the wonder of love (new, brand new) with the discovery of a wonderful peacefulness that is flowering in me. All is quiet, calm, without stress and the upheaval of fear.
YEHUDA BEN-ZE’EV
True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. It is, on the contrary, an element calm and deep. It looks beyond mere externals and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding.
ELLEN G. WHITE
My lover brings me tranquility. Not during our lovemaking, which is so exciting, but an overall peaceful feeling.
A MARRIED WOMAN
Because emotions are so deeply changeable, they are often compared to storms and fire. We have seen that emotions can be unstable, intense states that signify passionate excitement and agitation. And emotions tend to magnify situations and make them seem urgent—prompting us to quickly mobilize our resources. Romantic love has a strong resonance with this feeling. As Betsy Prioleau argues, “Love goes brackish in still waters. It needs to be stirred up with obstruction and difficulty and spiked with surprise.” Hence, “What’s granted is not wanted.”11
I have argued that the above serves as a reasonable description of brief, tempestuous, loving relationships but not of relationships that involve long-term profound love, the basis of which is a calm, yet dynamic excitement. Is the latter combination possible to achieve?
Friedrich Kambartel suggests that calmness concerns not striving to control things that are beyond our control, such as, first, inalterable conditions of our life; second, other people; and third, ourselves. Calmness involves a trust that the course of events beyond our control does not affect the meaning of our life. Kambartel further argues that in practicing calmness, we are relieved of the endless, futile strain of trying to control the things that are beyond our control.12
In everyday terms, calmness refers to an absence of agitation or excitement. When we say that the weather is calm, we mean that we don’t anticipate storms, high winds, or rough waves anytime soon. Yet, and this is my main point, while calmness is free of negative elements, such as tension, agitation, or distress, it can be full of positive excitement. As Julia Roberts said, “The kind of energy I attract is very calm.” While calmness implies an absence of violent or confrontational activity, it does not imply an absence of profound, positive activities that enhance flourishing. Interestingly, precisely because profound calmness is linked to internal strength, it can be perceived, in certain circumstances, as a sort of internal weapon (think of Oscar Wilde’s comment “Nothing is so aggravating as calmness”).
In discussing emotions and moods, two basic continuums of the feeling dimension—the arousal continuum and the pleasantness continuum—are relevant. Robert Thayer suggests dividing the arousal continuum into two types: one that ranges from energy to tiredness, and the other from tense to calm. Doing so, we have four basic affective states: calm-energy, calm-tiredness, tense-energy, and tense-tiredness. Each of these states is related to a certain state on the pleasantness continuum. Thayer considers the state of calm-energy to be the most pleasant state, whereas tense-tiredness is the most unpleasant one.13
Thayer notes that many people fail to distinguish between calm-energy and tense-energy, since they believe that whenever they are energetic, there is a certain degree of tension in their situation. The idea of calm-energy, he says, is foreign to many Westerners, but it is quite familiar to people from other parts of the world. Thayer quotes the Zen master Shunryu Suzuki: “Calmness of mind does not mean you should stop your activity. Real calmness should be found in the activity itself. It is easy to have calmness in inactivity, but calmness in activity is true calmness.”14 This kind of dynamic calmness can be found in meaningful intrinsic activities, which promote balanced human flourishing.
Profound love is cultivated during meaningful intrinsic activities, which promote the flourishing of each lover, as well as their togetherness. Such love does not stem from subordinating one’s activities to those of the beloved, but from considering the activities for and with the beloved as compatible with one’s own profound intrinsic activities. Moreover, such activities need to be chosen with an eye to the flourishing of both partners. When love is profound, romantic activities can be calm and yet dynamic. Romantic calmness is associated with the profound trust prevailing in the loving
relationship; the dynamism comes from the joint activities shared by the lovers.
Calm-energy love can solve the dilemma of romantic stability. This dilemma involves the common desire to have both an exciting and a stable romantic relationship. Couples want their romantic love to be exciting and dynamic; they want to feel fully alive. The motto of an online group that calls itself “Married and Flirting” is “Married, Not Dead”; the group promises that its members will “feel alive again.” On the other hand, people also want their romantic relationships to be calm and stable while maintaining their initial high, intense level.
This dilemma is really about whether long-term stable romantic relationships can be exhilarating or whether they are doomed to “be dead.” In other words, must romantic love be short and unstable in order to be stimulating? As I have suggested throughout the book, romantic intensity and profundity are the key issues here. As long as we consider romantic love to consist of merely, or even mainly, of intensity, romantic love cannot be both dynamic and calm. However, if we believe that profound intrinsic activities can be dynamic and exciting, and accompanied by moments of intense love, profound and enduring love can indeed be vibrant and stimulating. Although calmness does not scream to make itself heard, it certainly has something important to say for love and life. Sometimes, it is the still water that makes all the difference to the romantic heart.
Do You Take Your Lover for Granted? Congratulations!
Being taken for granted can be a compliment. It means that you’ve become a comfortable, trusted element in another person’s life.
JOYCE BROTHERS
Marriage counselors have a favorite line: Do not take your partner for granted! And there is much wisdom in this advice—especially when it involves romantic intensity. Change and a bit of uncertainty can indeed fan the flames of a dying romance. Conversely, the status quo can fool us into thinking that we need not invest effort in the relationship. Yet there is an additional, deeper sense of taking for granted that surfaces when love is profound and trust prevails.
Let’s recall that romantic intensity is marked by a certain superficiality and that change holds a privileged position in this kind of relationship. When romantic intensity and change are the stars of the show, lovers are always on the alert, looking for more and different external stimuli to fan the sexual flame. Relationships of romantic profundity, however, which promote the flourishing of each partner, require a deep trust. The hunt for verification and new stimuli eats away at this trust. And if you ask around, you’ll find that many people connect the experience of “being in love” with being able to trust one’s partner.
Let’s clarify terms. When we speak of taking a partner for granted in profound love, we are not suggesting being insensitive. Instead, we are talking about not walking around worried about how to prevent your partner from leaving you. While the trust underlying profound love is not immune to risks, the baseline attitude is one of nonsuspicion. Taking your partner for granted also does not mean spending a great deal of time on repetitive and boring activities. Romantic relationships do need variation. But it is best if this dynamism comes from activities of flourishing that the lovers regularly share.
Although trust includes the risk of betrayal, its bedrock feeling is a positive attitude toward the partner and optimism concerning his or her trustworthiness.15 As we have learned, when survival is at stake, noticing negative qualities is more important than noticing positive qualities. However, the active search for positive qualities is valuable as well, especially in the long term. In the short run, being on guard might prevent one’s partner from doing some misdeeds, but in the long run, “on guard” turns the relationship into a competitive fencing match!
To sum up, calm-energy romantic experiences help to ensure that a stable romantic relationship is not a dull relationship. In enduring profound romantic relationships, stability goes hand in hand with dynamic and stimulating activities. In fact, it is only by partners engaging in profound intrinsic activities that promote calmness and foster the flourishing of each lover that romantic love can survive over time.
Nurturing Is the New Romantic Conduct
Too many lovers, Not enough love these days.
CRYSTAL GAYLE
Long-term robust love is based on mutual nurturance. Unlike romantic compromise, which shuts the door on potentially better opportunities, the nurturing approach increases lovers’ horizons, involving opportunities that better suit their needs and abilities. Nurturing can be understood as helping a person to grow and develop. In raising our children, for example, we try to nurture their talents, tolerance, and friendships. We can also nurture our intimate partner and ourselves. Although romantic love entails a great deal of giving to others, such giving can best be done by a person who is flourishing within the relationship.
In the nurturing approach, “intrinsic activities,” in which the value of the activity lies in the activity itself, take precedence over “extrinsic activities,” which aim for a certain external goal. Intrinsic activities often involve complementary experiences, while extrinsic activities are more compatible with compromises. Satisfying lives include many intrinsic activities. While engaging in them, we are flourishing and have no active interest in getting more or changing our partner. As one’s character remains rather stable over time, intrinsic activities are more likely to maintain their value over time, thus enhancing our long-term well-being.
Although modern society rewards extrinsic activities, which tend to be brief and efficient, intrinsic activities are not lacking. Thus, whether you like to read, dance, or do any highly fulfilling job, you can derive unending satisfaction and pleasure from such activities. Extrinsic or instrumental activities are more likely to become boring over time, as we do not value them for their own sake; we merely value the goal that we hope to achieve by performing them. It is essential for the quality of a romantic relationship that the value of mutual and individual intrinsic activities is recognized. Always adopting the other’s interest is likely to end in dissatisfaction. Our partners should not feel “left out” when we are involved in intrinsic activities but rather should find their own intrinsic activities, and we should try to make sure that at least some of these are done together.
Instead of craving ready-made external products, profound love pursues ongoing, mutual intrinsic activities. The former, which is self-destructive, can provide immediate superficial pleasure, while the latter, which is self-perpetuating, offers ongoing profound satisfaction and hence generates less need to compromise. When our romantic relationship complements and nurtures us, we are not called upon to make compromises within the relationship—on the contrary, such a relationship improves the other’s well-being. In such nurturing circumstances, there is more enabling than prohibiting. Similarly, in such relationships, uniqueness is more significant than exclusivity. The push for uniqueness foregrounds nurturing ourselves and others; exclusiveness, in contrast, seeks to prevent the other from engaging in particular behaviors.
Of course, we would all like to live in a world without compromises. In the romantic realm, this would mean that we find a profound romantic relationship involving intrinsic activities, passionate sex, reciprocity, respect, and caring. No one would argue with the idea that is better to be healthy, rich, and happy than to be sick, poor, and miserable. The issue is what to do when you do not get the perfect prince, or even someone close to it. Should we be looking for such a prince at all? Should we give up every activity in the romantic realm if we cannot get “the best”? Should we never fall in love if it will not last forever? And what kind of compromises are the least painful? These are hard questions with no ready-made answers—both the questions and the answers must be tailored to each person. Yet we know that, like too tight shoes, extremes should be avoided.
In our global and cyber society, more and more people are giving up the search for romantic profundity and settling for occasional, instantaneous sexual intensity. Most of us, however, still yearn fo
r romantic profundity, which produces the sweet fruits of romantic serenity and trust. The task of combining romantic intensity with profundity, then, has never been so urgent. As the abundance of romantic opportunities is likely to reduce the number of people living without love, we may yet witness love’s comeback.
Limited Flexibility Is the New Romantic Stability
Better bend than break.
SCOTTISH PROVERB
Sometimes I’ve lost you from my arms. Sure, we’ve had lovers in our beds . . . But in the end . . . Our only special skill was never growing up, just ageing.
JACQUES BREL
Early on in our journey toward profound love, we learned the crucial role of change in generating emotions; here, in the final stage of our trip, I discuss again the role of flexibility in the romantic realm. We can think of flexibility, which is the quality of bending without breaking, as the ability to make changes in a situation that is changing. Stability is highly valuable in romantic relations and in particular in achieving profundity. Interestingly, in our diverse and dynamic environment, it is through flexibility that our enduring romantic relationships remain stable. To understand this point, let us first consider the value of psychological flexibility in general health.
Todd Kashdan and Jonathan Rottenberg discuss the importance of psychological flexibility (and stability) for health. This flexibility spans a wide range of human abilities, such as adapting to situational demands, shifting behavioral priorities when needed, maintaining balance among important life areas, and being open and committed to behaviors that fit with deeply held values. These abilities capture the dynamic, fluctuating, and context-specific behaviors of people navigating the challenges of daily life. Rigidity, which indicates a lack of sensitivity to one’s context, often points to psychopathology. Kashdan and Rottenberg claim that healthy people can manage themselves in the uncertain, unpredictable world around them, where novelty and change are the norm rather than the exception. With psychological flexibility, we can find ways to shape our automatic processes in better directions.16
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