by Brooke May
Just like me.
I can’t feel the heat from the plate, but I feel the steam running against my hand that rests lifeless next to it.
The video starts with the bikes lining up at the gates. I remember how it felt that morning. After walking the track with Axle by my side, laughing on our way to the rider’s meeting, we got ready for what would be my last race in Australia before I took the expensive journey home.
Little did I know that this would be my final race ever.
The sweat comes back to my palms and is soon beading on my forehead as the race begins. I remember everything so clearly.
The smell of the exhaust.
The slick mud under my boots as I mounted my bike and then kicked off once those gates dropped.
The raging sounds of the crowd cheering, and the bikes revving and burping around me.
I miss it all so much. I may be able to watch as many races as I can, but it has never been the same as it was when I was in them. I see signs cheering me on in the crowd, ones I never noticed during the race. When I was out there, everything off the dirt track was out of focus and didn’t matter.
It was how I focused.
It’s how I won.
And now I feel the itch taking hold of me as the race continues. Lap after lap is as usual. There are a few spills behind me, and the other pack leaders were far away from it. I miss the feel of all of it.
This gives me even more enthusiasm to go after my new dream of quad racing. I have the sponsors, the quad, and I have the skills. Now I just need to get into a few races.
My left hand is a little twitchy as the crash draws closer. Tapping my fingers on my armrest, I take a moment to look around at my family. None of them were there that day and are watching this for the very first time. My Australian tour kept my family in the States for the months I was over there. I had wished they would have made it over for this race so we could have a family vacation afterward, a family honeymoon for newlyweds Josie and Nolan, but that didn’t work out.
Each one of their faces is plastered to the TV, except for Ruby. She is far more interested in smuggling more chips since my sister isn’t paying attention. Nolan’s hands are pitched in front of his face while he rests his elbows on his knees. Josie is biting her nails, making a meal out of them rather than her food. Mom is wearing a blank expression; one I can’t put into words. And then my head swivels to my dad. He looks grim as though he knows it’s about to come.
It’s something you can sense even through the video. I know it is coming because I was there, but they can as well.
The squid goes into that turn, doing his best to keep the lead over Axle, but he is too over confident in the abilities he is capable of because the instant his bike hits Axle’s, everything starts to go in slow motion.
The person recording this isn’t following me, but I’m caught all the same.
The Jax on the footage is unable to slow himself and stop in time to avoid the crash. I watch the front of my bike get hit first and nearly jump out of my seat when a hand clamps down on the top of mine. Small fingers wrap around my own, holding on for dear life that I almost want to cry.
My mom is holding my hand.
Oh, how long I have waited for this.
Tears well up in my eyes as her grip grows tighter and tighter as bike after bike falls into the crash until the ones in the far back can come to a halt before they too get lost in the wreckage.
And just like I know it, the video is of the ground as the person takes off in a dead run to help in some sort of way before it cuts out.
Nolan stops the video, and together, aside from Ruby, my family is silent as they take it in. I don’t know how to break it.
Dad is the first one to make a move. Pushing himself to the edge of his seat, he scrubs his face before turning to me. I’m gutted to see the tears falling freely from his eyes I inherited.
“Jesus, Jax.” His voice cracks as he falls to his knees before me. “I’m so sorry, son.” He sobs into my lap as he falls. “Please forgive me for being such an asshole.”
I open my mouth to tell him that he is forgiven, that I understand why he was so distant, and to tell him we will be okay, but nothing comes out except air.
Patting him on the back is all I’m capable of doing.
“Jaxson.” Mom’s stern voice cracks through the silence like a whip of lightning. All of us turn to her. Her face is flooded with tears, turning her eyes red and marking her otherwise dry face with their path. “My sweet, beautiful baby boy.” Josie is just quick enough to grab Mom’s plate before she stands and rushes to me. “My Jaxson.” She is hysterical and is making me cry now.
I hear Josie’s sobs to my right, and Nolan trying to comfort her.
“I’m so sorry, Jaxson.” Mom wraps my head in her arms, pulling me tightly to her chest as her tears fall on top of me. Together, my family and I cry for my accident, for all the time we have lost because of it, and with relief that we can finally be whole again.
“Please forgive me, Jaxson.” Mom kisses my face while my dad holds my free hand. “Please, forgive me?”
And just like that, everything falls back into place, and I have my mom back. She’s hugging me, something I have longed for, and now I have the promise of family dinner even though my mom isn’t too happy about my new goals in life. And she is going to forgive Axle.
One battle down, on to the next one.
Chapter Forty
“Now, just because I have made my amends with Axle does not mean I support your ambitions of racing again.” Mom cups my face, pulling my attention up to her penetrating scowl.
“I understand that, even if it doesn’t make me very happy.” My voice is muffled with how she is squeezing my lips together with her hold.
I was a little surprised to answer my door today and discover my mom standing on the other side. I had rushed around a sulking Axle to get to it. I had hoped it was Len finally coming to her senses and rather than calling or texting me, she would just show up and we could make our amends.
I was taken aback that it was my mom waiting on the other side, ready to make her own apologies. I got out of the way while she rushed into the living room, forced a brooding Axle to stand, and apologized to him just as much as she did with me last night.
The only difference between the two was she never broke down and cried, and she didn’t hold onto him for what felt like hours as she did with me. Well, I guess there was another difference. She isn’t sticking around for very long.
In the half hour she has been here, everything has been patched over, and I am now leading her back out to her car. But she stopped us just before we reached the curb. None of this bothers me, though, because I have her back in my life where she belongs.
Well, for the most part.
I’m still working on my quad racing gig. I have time to work on her to come watch me.
“I’ll get you there somehow.” Now that she has released my face, I can’t fight back the grin as she rolls her eyes.
“We shall see.” With a shake of her head, she gives me one more kiss on my forehead before turning around and getting in her car. “Bye, Jaxson.”
“Bye, Mom. Love you.”
Turning around to look upon me once more, she nearly brings me to tears again with her warm smile. I’ve waited a long time to see that look again. “I love you, too, son.” Blowing me a kiss, she gets into her car and takes off. I watch her drive away before I head back inside to be with other miserable company. As happy as I am to have my mom back, I’m feeling horrible inside.
And misery certainly loves company.
It’s a crock of shit.
I may have made up with my family and united us once more, but being in the dumps around Axle, who is just as dejected as me, isn’t easy.
I don’t know what is going on with him and Paige, but he is back to being the same old grouchy asshole I’ve grown used to. And I won’t be asking him either. I’d much rather stay out of his shit if I h
ave to.
I need to focus on my own anyway.
Wheeling back over to the spot where my tires have worn into the wood, I set up to watch whatever crap Axle has decided to put on the TV. We haven’t even had Levi around to entertain us with the shit he finds himself in. Levi is a man who sees the bright side to almost everything, and his sunny disposition isn’t welcomed here at the moment.
I’ve tried calling Len, texting, and even showing up at Piston Motor Sports as well as her house, and I have nothing from her.
“Mum gone?”
“Yeah.”
“She hugged me.”
“She must have mistaken you for the grumpy care bear or some shit.”
“It was kind of weird.” He’s so down that he ignores my jab.
“Was it?”
He leans forward, bracing his massive upper body on his equally massive legs. “The first time I met your mum, she slapped me and then spat at my feet. She’s hated me ever since. To have her hug me was like something from an alternate universe.”
“That’s true.” I nod in agreement. We have one woman dealt with for now. We still have our own women to try to get through to. “At least—”
Knocking once again comes to the door. Since the night Owen showed up, it has felt like there is always someone on the other side. But unlike the last few times, this knocking is soft, almost too quiet to be even considered as someone hitting it to gain our attention.
Both of us jerk to attention, but I’m the one who once again moves over. I honestly doubt it is Paige. A woman such as her wouldn’t be knocking this quietly.
But there is one other woman I can think of who may be on the other side.
Drawing in a deep breath, I hold it as I carefully open the door. I don’t want to scare her by whipping it open like the desperate man I have become for her attention.
Like déjà vu, the door swings open, the knocking ceases, and before me is a red-eyed, blotchy faced, wearing baggy clothing, and still crying Len.
The flutter of joy I was feeling go up in flames the moment my eyes lock on the sorrowful woman.
“Len?” Her name rolls off my lips in a tremble. Before I can close the distance separating us, she launches herself at me, pulling our two bodies as closely together as she possibly can as tsunami-size waves slams into her body.
My heart leaps at the connection as well as suddenly free falls to why she is doing this. I can’t ask her now because there is no way she could possibly answer me with her hyperventilating.
Doing the only thing I can think of, I close the door and push us backward until I get to a spot I can turn around and push us to my bedroom where we will have some privacy. Once there, I rub her back, willing her to calm down.
This is bad.
Even though I don’t know what has brought her here, I know this to be true.
I don’t care how long it takes for her to get to the point where she can speak; I will happily be her comfort whenever she needs me. It feels good to be needed, even if it is at her expense.
“Shh.” I rest my head against the top of hers. I’m not about to say anything, but she smells like she could use a good shower. “I have you. I have you, Lennox,” I murmur over and over again.
I lose myself in our embrace, lulling both of us to a relaxed state, and even when her crying has subsided, and her breathing has become somewhat normal, I don’t care to stop.
I won’t ever stop.
That is, until she finally speaks. What she does say has me pulling her as close to me as physically possible.
“Owen’s gone.”
Chapter Forty-One
The warmness that surrounds me is so far from uncomfortable that in my semi-conscious state, I believe I’m in heaven.
This is what I was craving.
Pulling Len’s small body closer to me, I can only guess that we are perfectly lined up on our sides under my covers. Intimacy comes in so many different shapes and sizes, thinking that sex is the only thing that matters in a relationship means you won’t be in one for long.
Sure, I love sex as much as the next guy, and I do crave it on some levels with Len, but this is so much more important to me.
Last night, I didn’t get much more out of her other than the fact that whatever Owen had done to himself that put him in the hospital was too much for his body and medical professional to help him with. I didn’t push her for any more. I can’t even imagine what she is going through now. All I can do is be a comfort to her.
It was midnight by the time I got her into the shower and into one of my sweatshirts that looked like a nightgown on her, so much so that it didn’t even ride up when she crawled into my bed moments later.
As I take a deep breath, my eyes flutter open. The soft light of the morning has brought dust in the air to dance in its rays. I don’t want to move from this comfortable position, but I need to check the time and figure out what I’m going to do for the day. I still need to go to work, but I don’t think I can with the state Len was in when she went to sleep.
Doing my best not to move her too much, I roll over to grab my phone. It is already eight, so I’m late for work.
“Fuck it.” Pulling up the app to call in, I dial the office and wait for someone to pick up. Shockingly, Michelle answers.
“Good morning, this is Michelle. How may Double X help you today?”
“You know, I never realized you may have a future in being a phone sex operator.”
“Jax!” She hisses. “Where are you?”
“I’m still in bed.”
“What?” I know I’ve caused her to recoil. Since my first day, I’ve always been on time to work, so this is new. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m good, but I thought I better call so the search party is spared. I’m going to take a personal day.” Len moves against me, more than likely seeking out my heat. “It’s kind of a family emergency.”
“And you’re still in bed?” I can hear her disbelief. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, Michelle.” I do my best to keep the bite from my voice. “I just need to take this day, all right?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll see you Monday.” Getting off the phone, I clear my screen and set my phone back on the nightstand before I roll back over to pull Len to me.
Len’s upper body is turned to me, her insanely short hair plastered to one side of her face, and her eyes still slightly red, I wish I could just gaze at her all day in this natural state. With no makeup, no product in her hair to style it, and only in my sweatshirt, Len is everything.
Before I can make another move, to brush her hair away and cup her face, to say anything, there is stomping through the apartment and then the slamming of the front door that probably rattled everything hanging in the living room to the kitchen.
“Axle?” she asks.
“Yeah, he’s been in a fine mood lately.”
“I’ve noticed.” She moves in closer to me, her warm hands splaying out on my bare chest. “I didn’t even notice him last night when I came in.”
“He was blending in far too well with the couch with his lack of movement. I would have been surprised if you did, considering your state of mind.”
In the beginning, a small smile was forming on her lips, but with the reminder of what brought her here, she is somber once more.
“To answer your question, you are my everything, Lennox.” Finally, I cup her face, running my thumb over the smooth flesh of her cheek; I lull her into comfort once more. I don’t care to see the torment in her eyes. It isn’t a look that suits her.
“I lost my brother, Jax.” She is unseeing, looking somewhere that isn’t physically near us. I want so badly to take that pain away, but I don’t know how. “Owen is gone.” She takes a deep shuttering breath. “And I know it isn’t my fault.”
“Len—”
“No, please let me get this out.” Her fingers against my lips silence me.
I kiss them. “Absolutely.”
/> “I was so mad the other day. I was mad at Owen for hurting himself, at my parents for being the ones who always said we needed to treat him with baby gloves, with myself for going along with all of it that created the big baby that was my brother, and I was mad at you because you spoke the truth when I didn’t know if I could handle it. Owen overdosed on one of his pills as well as mixing it with some others. The doctors thought he would be fine as long as he stayed in the hospital until they were certain it was all out of his system, but they were wrong, Jax.”
Kissing the top of her head, I begin to run my hands down her back.
“I didn’t get to say goodbye to him.” She sobs again. “I fled the hospital before my parents could stop me and got in the first cab I could find to get to you.”
“Why me? Why not stay with your parents?”
“Because I don’t want to lose you too. What we have is so easy and natural it is perfect. I’m in love with you, Jaxson Hunt.”
Owen falls out of my mind.
The tragedy her family is now going through doesn’t matter. My thoughts of us possibly having issues similar to Axle and Paige are gone. Lightly pushing Len away, just enough for me to drop my head to capture her lips, I express how much her confession means to me.
Dry lips meet as tongues collide. Lashing against one another, her hands move up and down my chest before settling over the drawstring of my loose lounge pants. I want her. She wants me.
I should care what we were just talking about. A sad subject should not be interrupted by sex, but I need her.
Rolling to my back, Len comes with me. Her short yet powerful legs straddle my abs, finally hiking up the sweatshirt. Gliding my hands down to her thighs, I squeeze before working my way back up under the piece of clothing.
It took a lot out of me when I knew she hadn’t put any panties on after her shower, and I’m very grateful for it.
“Jax? Are you sure?”
“Are you?” With my elbows, I push myself up. “Len, I love you. I want you. I’m absolutely certain this is what I want. The question is, is this what you want?”
