by W Kangas
“Beaker, my boy, things are getting quite testy here,” said the professor, wanting to go ahead with his experiments even though the number of dissenters was growing.
“Here comes Ginger Grinch to watch the moving eye. I’m going to flash her pictures of Barry the leprechaun, because he wears green just like her, and we’ll see if they can deal with suggestion.”
“Do it, Professor. We need to turn the attention somewhere else,” said his assistant.
They had a romantic love story from the Hallmark Channel running with many of the royalty stopping to watch. “I think this will enhance my love life,” said Cinderella, having her third cup of coffee. “I want to feel the passion like it used to be,” she commented.
Ginger Grinch was staring at the picture when the professor bombarded her with pictures of the little green leprechaun. Flicked at her in milliseconds, she was now under the professor’s spell.
“This is going to be a great experiment, my boy, and we will have ample time to get our water daily. And do you know what that means, my friend and assistant? It means we will have our lab on the beach, and no one can take it away from us.”
After watching the tube, Ginger Grinch was on her way home when she spotted Barry sitting in the park with nothing much to do.
“Hi, Barry,” she called out. he turned her way and couldn’t believe his ears.
“Hi, Ginger. I thought maybe you didn’t like me much because I’m so short.”
“Oh, Barry, don’t put yourself down like that. You are a kind and gentle person, and I miss those qualities so very much. May I sit down and talk with you for a while?”
“Sure, Ginger. I’ve kind of had a crush on you forever, but I won’t make a fool out of myself, so please sit down and talk with me.”
Ginger loved the way he was so kind, and frankly she was tired of the grouchy old Grinch. “Barry, please tell me a story that shows me just how you feel about life.”
“I will. I will, and you will soon see that I am a man of character. Do you remember the Three Little Pigs were the target of the Big Bad Wolf?”
“Yes, I do!”
“If it weren’t for me, he would have been eating ham for a good many days. You see, the pigs were vulnerable in their little houses, and I cut him off at the pass many times to make sure my friends, the little pigs, would survive. You know I have a lot in common with them, being very misunderstood for all these years. But my big trouble is that I have been quite alone in my adventures and never really found my true love.”
“Barry,” said Ginger in a soft voice, “I want to tell you something if you will come close to me so I can whisper with no one hearing.”
“Yes, Ginger. Is this close enough?”
“It is, Barry. I want to tell you I appreciate you and I am fond of you too,” she said as she kissed him on the cheek.
“I will never wash my cheek,” said Barry all aglow with passionate emotions.
“I will look for you every day, but now I must get back to my house,” said Ginger.
“Now, it’s time for some real fun,” said the professor looking at Daisy Duck coming to watch the screen. He knew the populous was susceptible to subliminal messaging by the way they called out during commercials, but he had to have his diversion. It was right in his hands, and all he had to do was turn the knobs.
“We are going to see if she is happy in paradise, my boy, because I know another duck that could have her number and his name happens to be Daffy.”
Daisy stopped to have a warm drink on a cool afternoon and thought there might be some entertainment afoot. She sat at one of the tables close to the screen.
The professor, at his wits end, couldn’t find a show that would entertain the masses but saw that they liked the commercials. He flicked the TV to Let’s Make a Deal and the interest rose substantially. On the show, a woman had a choice of a new compact car or things behind three curtains. The citizens were all yelling, telling her to take a certain curtain, knowing there was something big and great behind them all.
“I’ll take curtain number three,” she said. The emcee offered her a cruise on the Mediterranean Sea instead of the curtain, but she knew the curtain was good now.
“I’ll stick with the curtain,” she said. The ecstatic citizens of Happilyeverafter yelled with delight, but when curtain number three went up there was a woman holding a goat.
“Hey, she made a good deal,” said Charlie Tuna. “She has a woman and a goat now.”
“Yea, she made a good deal,” said Billy Goat Gruff.
But the music went “blah, blab, la,” and they knew she was a loser. Right then, the professor flashed a picture of Daffy Duck that he had taken earlier. He had superimposed him on a beach and then in a sports car. It was flashy, and he knew it would work.
Daisy’s eyes flicked on Daffy with interest, only because she had too many ho hum days in a row and soon she was off to take care of her chores. When passing Daffy on the street, she walked right up to him and questioned him on his worldliness.
“Of course, I’m a man about town,” said Daffy, bragging and having fun doing so. “You haven’t seen the last of this duck. I am destined for stardom, you wait and see.”
She kissed him and said, “You are some star, Mr. Duck.”
He for once was speechless, and she kissed him again, but unbeknownst to the ducks, there was an observer, and his name was Bugs, who always seemed to be around trouble. Bugs went right to Donald Duck and told him the story.
Now Donald loved Daisy with all his heart and couldn’t believe this was happening. Things like this never happened in Happilyeverafter. “I’m going to clobber that interloper when I find him,” he grumbled in his famous talk. Donald left his digs, going to look for the scallywag.
There was even greater danger headed for Barry the leprechaun. The Grinch was on the warpath, knowing his girl was carousing with a leprechaun.
The two met in the street right down from Barry’s apartment. “So, you think you can play this game behind my back,” said the Grinch. “You’re going to wish you were never born,” said the jealous husband. He punched Barry and the little leprechaun reeled, then came at the Grinch with anger in his heart. He hit the Grinch ten times before he knew what was happening. Suddenly there was a melee in the streets, with citizens yelling for Barry to hit him again.
The professor got word of the fight and said to Beaker, “Our plan is working, my boy. We are going to get what we deserve.” He walked over to the fountain and filled a bottle, with no one paying him any attention.
The Grinch, having taken a beating from the little man, knew he had to fight another day, but he would need a plan. He walked away from the tussle for now.
Now the professor figured he needed more chaos than what he had already initiated to this point and his best idea was to get Snow White talking to Cinderella’s Prince Charming. It would be easy to flick the pictures to the prince and have him approach her, while she had been receiving subliminal images of him. The professor was almost positive it would work. This little tryst would have a place in the uproar. Was it too much, he wondered, but no, it would give him free passage to the fountain at any time. Then he could start passing the bottles to a Sherpa who would FedEx them to California as per his plans all along.
One more, he thought, and it came to him that he would get Dimples Dumpty to look at an entirely different egg altogether. That should cool Humpty’s jets, thought the professor, wanting to keep the egghead busy with his own problems.
As it turned out, Snow White did kiss Prince Charming but nothing caused more trouble than Dimples Dumpty kissing an ogre.
Humpty was heard saying he would get to the bottom of this if it took him 900 years. After all, Dimples was his girl, and no one could take her away from him. Dimples, on the other hand, needed a break from the politically minded egghead. He was getting too pushy and not very affectionate.
And so, the professor did have the whole valley in turmoil with him handing
bottles of the precious water to the Sherpas to take to their town and FedEx them to Star. It was all working, but tempers were flaring. It didn’t take long before some of the populace was pointing their fingers at the chubby little professor.
Humpty had taken to the stump day after day, trying to center the blame on the professor and his eye into a corrupt world. This was personal, and he wanted revenge for Dimples kissing an ogre.
The professor didn’t pay any attention to this point, as he liked how his plan was going and knew he enjoyed the soap opera. But things were bound to get worse and down deep in the earth, Whistle Head was taking path after path and returning to his starting place. This was real trouble for Whistle Head, because he was to choose directions on how to go by not having gone there before. To say it plainly he was confused and lost.
Now there were critters in most of these chambers in which he passed, and some of them were very dangerous, but for some reason they knew not to mess with Whistle Head. The two nuts, right behind him, were enjoying going around and around. They weren’t crazy but could turn into machines and could help the Hatter’s new plan come to fruition.
If some trouble turned up that Whistle Head couldn’t handle, then he would command the Whatyoucallit Beast to take over. The Whatyoucallit Beast could turn into any animal it wanted in less than the blink of an eye, including extinct animals, like dinosaurs. This was the reason Whistle Head stumbled flatfooted into every chamber without a care.
But after a full day of walking, they were almost glad when they ended up at their original starting point. The Hatter wasn’t glad at all and proceeded to tell his favorite son how he should improve without watching out for the boy’s sensitive nature, which hurt Whistle Head’s feelings something terrible.
“Pop,” said Whistle Head to the Hatter with the Hatter turning an angry eye to him, not liking the name that made him seem old. “Can you come with us as a guide?”
“I’m thinking that is the only way we’re going to get this done. Tomorrow we will start again, and I hope this plan turns out better than the ruffians’ plan. They wanted to start a full-scale war with the valley people.”
“Pop, I think you should know the caves look the same in all directions. If we start without marking our trail, I think we’ll end up right back here without finding anything. There is another thing you should know; there are all types of critters in the different rooms. You should just tell me and Whatyoucallit to go ahead of you so you’ll be safe.”
“Listen here, Whistle Head, I’ve been doing this kind of thing way before you were conceived. So, if I need your help, I’ll ask for it.”
Star and her friends were settling in their first-class seats with the attendant coming to get their orders for drinks. “I’ll have a Bloody Mary,” said Giggles going out of turn.
“Make that two,” said Star.
“I’ll have my Crown on the rocks,” said Mona.
“Give me a double shot of brandy,” said Sister. “I don’t fly that well you know.”
“You know it’s still early,” said Charming, “so I don’t need anything.”
“Hey girl, when you get on the plane, you’ve got to forget the time because you rarely stay in the same time zone and lord only knows what time it will be when we get there. So, my advice to you is drink a stiff one and take a nap,” said Mona.
“Give me a triple scotch,” said Charming, “on the rocks, please.”
“I love you, Charming, the way you glide into every situation without hitting any seams,” said Mona.
“What are you having, Fashion?”
“I’ll have an endless glass of red wine, please.”
“You know you people aren’t fooling me for one minute,” said the flight attendant.
“What do you mean by that?” asked Star.
“I know who you people are.”
“Hold it down just a little, will you?” said Mona.
“Why would a bunch of well-to-do actresses be going to Nepal? That is what I keep asking myself.”
“That is an easy one,” said Star who could talk her way out of anything. “We are going to find ourselves by getting to the tenth degree of meditation and thus float though the hardest part of our lives when we are getting older. So, we are going to hang around with monks and the Dalai Lama learning all we can for the next six months.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute; that would be like torture to you rich folks. You are going to eat their food and not have any affection for six months? There is no way you are going to do that,” said the attendant, pulling out her phone and taking pictures of the group.
“Let me see how the pictures are coming out,” said Star.
The attendant held the phone for Star to see and she wrestled the phone out of her hand and slid it into her pocket.
“Now, girly, it is a shame you take advantage of passengers on these flights. How much did the phone cost? I will give you the money at the end of the flight, but if you try to cause trouble, I guarantee you I will have your job for this.”
“I was just taking your pictures for my album.”
“You heard me,” said Star.
“Boy, you are a tough one, Star,” said Giggles.
“If you think she was putting those pictures in her scrapbook, you need to listen to this. She probably has connections for stories with the tabloids. We would be entirely exposed for flying to Nepal as a group, and I’m sure the tabloids would be right on our heels. I’ll get her fired for invading our privacy and now you know why. We could have members of the paparazzi on our tails all the way to Happilyeverafter.”
“I see your point, Star, and I’m with you, but I sure wish things to go smoothly from here on out,” said Giggles.
“Look, this is important. I was filling out this will online until I was rudely interrupted, and we should all be a part of it in case something happens to us. I’m willing all my property to you girls, but if we all happened to go down I want the beach to become an acting school like we talked about. If you agree with me, you should fill out the papers likewise, and we would leave something important behind,” declared Star.
“That will give us something to do on the rest of the flight,” said Mona, “and we would be assured of keeping it out of Trump’s hands, thus making it a noble act.”
They all agreed and went to work putting the papers in order.
“Now I will rest much easier,” said Star.
“Is this flight much longer?” asked Giggles.
“Girl, you’d better take a long winter nap and try asking that question again when we have actually completed the flight over the ocean.”
Soon a man with an aviation-type cap came back to talk with the actresses. He had a badge that said Captain Nettles.
“Which one of you ladies took the phone away from our attendant?”
“That would be me,” said Star.
“What seems to be the problem with the phone?”
“It’s like this, Captain, she wanted to know why we were going to Nepal, and we told her. She could not accept our answer and got quite vocal. Then she took out her phone and took our picture. Believe me, sir, we have trouble with the paparazzi everywhere we go, so we didn’t want to have them waiting for us when we got off the plane. I would have given her the money for the phone but now I’m after her job.”
“Listen, I’ll pay for the phone myself if you will accept my apology. She should never be questioning you.”
“I want her on daily flights to Greenland,” said Star.
“I will see she doesn’t bother you again. Thank you.”
Everything was going smoothly for the professor, and he was just about to initiate the next phase of his diversion tactics when Humpty Dumpty came to the square in his powdered wig to begin pressing charges against the science man.
“Hear ye, citizens of Happilyeverafter, we are faced with extinction from a man who doesn’t know anything about our culture,” said Humpty standing on a raised flowerbe
d. “He is in some way manipulating that moving eye to put crazy immoral thoughts in our heads. My wife has been untrue to me for the first time in our marriage, and I’m calling kissing an ogre being untrue. There is no telling where this is going from here. We might be running around lustfully swapping partners. Who knows? But this is no way for civilized people to behave, and as you can image there are some mighty big negatives that will take place if this is allowed to continue. Cats will be running with dogs. Pigs will be joining a wolfpack.
The Grinch stood. “And Grinches will hang with leprechauns,” said the Grinch in a nasty tone. “I think we should get a lynch mob together to send the science man down the north slope in a toboggan.”
“But that would be certain death,” said Porky Pig in his stuttering way.
“So be it,” said Cinderella. “He has hurt my heart in a way I thought impossible.”
“The sky is not falling,” said Chicken Little, “but we surely are.”
“I need to speak up here,” said Snow White, with Cinderella pursing her lips in anger looking her way. “I don’t know what came over me, but it was soon after I was looking at the moving eye. I think it put me in some kind of trance, because I love my husband with all my heart and I have hurt him and my dear friend, Cinderella. I hope they will forgive me and also recognize that I was under a spell.”
The Lorax stood and said, “Things are going badly indeed. We must clean up our house or be in need.”
A hush came over the square and then a loud murmur could be heard as the citizens realized what was happening. The professor knew he was in trouble and was thinking of running out of the square when Humpty pointed his finger at him and said, “There is the culprit.”
“We must not be hasty here,” said the Lorax. “We should hold him until the punishment is clear.”
That was duly agreed on by most everyone except for those having been directly wronged. They wanted him to ride down the north slope and voiced their opinions vehemently.
“I’ll forgive you, Snow White,” said Cinderella, “when the professor takes his sled ride.” She really didn’t mean what she said, as she had a forgiving heart, but she was caught up in the moment.
