When they finally pulled up behind the trucks, the quads were full of mud, and they all had mud on them from the waist down. Randi was thankful it hadn’t gotten in her hair. Berkley had taken extra caution not to sling mud all over them because she was with her. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have cared much since she’d brought a change of clothes with her.
“Thanks for lunch,” Garrett said, climbing off his quad. “You make a pretty mean PB and J.”
Berkley laughed. “It beats some of the crap you eat.”
“What’s wrong with cold leftovers?”
Berkley shook her head.
“I’m glad there wasn’t much damage. It could’ve been worse.”
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Berkley said, checking to make sure her ramps were secure on the truck so she could drive the quad up into the back of it.
“Why are you two cleaner than I am?” he muttered, looking at them as she walked by.
“You ride like a bat out of hell through the mud. That’s why you were behind us the entire time.”
“I figured we’d wash off in the creek like usual,” he said.
“You get just as muddy riding back afterward. That’s why I didn’t,” Berkley replied, knowing the real reason was because she had Randi with her and doubted she had a bathing suit on under her clothes.
“Hey, where’s Dena? I figured she’d be here,” Randi asked as Berkley put her quad in the back of the truck.
“Work. Oh, I just got a text. She’s home. She was called in at one this morning.”
“She’s going to be fun to be around today,” Berkley laughed.
“No shit,” he agreed. “That’s okay. I need to wash the quad and I’m sure I can find a ton of other things to do. What time are we meeting at the gym?”
“I don’t know. I’ll text you,” she replied as she strapped the quad and ramps in place. Garrett finished right behind her. “I’ll lead the way out of here so you don’t fling mud all over my truck!” she yelled as she got into her truck.
He laughed and waved for her to go on.
36
Berkley backed the truck into her driveway and killed the engine. The air in the cab was thick and heavy, like clear fog. The entire ride back to her house had been in silence. She removed her sunglasses and turned her head. Her eyes locked onto Randi’s. It would’ve been so easy to take her into the house and make love to her all over again, but she knew that couldn’t happen.
“For months we’ve been stealing these tiny moments, and all the while, I’m reminded that you’re not mine, you’re someone else’s. I’ve been there more times than I care to count. I’ve been the one cheated on, and I’ve been the one having the affair. It’s not fun in any situation.” She straightened her head, pulling her eyes to the front of the truck. “As much as it pains me, I know I have to be the one to let you go. I never meant for anything to go this far, but I’m not sorry.”
“I know,” Randi whispered, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I should go,” she murmured, feeling more tears welling up in her eyes.
Berkley nodded softly. She held her breath as she watched Randi get out of the truck and walk over to her car, all the while wiping tears from her face. “Damn it!” she yelled, smacking her hand on the steering wheel as the white BMW drove away. “It’s for the best,” she tried telling herself as she got out and began unloading the quad.
*
Randi was sitting in the chair, staring at the couch when her phone rang. A half-empty bottle of beer was on the table in front of her. A photo of Carrie making a goofy face lit up the screen on her phone. Reluctantly, she answered with a drab hello.
“Hey. Did you get through the storm okay? I tried calling you last night.”
“Yeah,” Randi mumbled. “I was with Berkley.”
“What…wait. You didn’t sleep with her, did you?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“You need to get your shit together, Randi and stop playing games.”
“It’s over. All of it,” she sighed.
“You sound like you’ve been crying. I’m coming over.”
“You don’t need to do that. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Okay, you want the truth? I’m completely torn, Carrie. I feel like my heart is being squeezed in a vice. I’ve never felt like this. Olivia has been my safe haven for what seems like forever. But, Berkley…God, everything is so different with her. When she pushed me away, it was unlike any pain I’ve ever known.”
“She was right to end it. I’m pretty sure you’ve been lost for some time now. You need to find yourself, Hun. You can’t work on your relationship, or start a new one, if you don’t know where you are underneath everything. At the end of the day, it’s your life, no one else’s,” Carrie said seriously. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. This is my mess. And, you’re right. I don’t know who I am anymore,” Randi sighed. The problem is, I don’t know when I lost myself. Where do I go from here?
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come over?”
“Nah, I’m fine.”
“Alright. I’m going to start dinner. Anna is coming over in a little bit. You’re welcome to join us.”
“I’m good. Have fun,” Randi said, getting off the phone.
*
Berkley opened a beer and flopped down on the couch with the TV remote. Nothing looked appealing as she scrolled through the channels. Although, she wasn’t paying much attention to the show titles passing by on the screen. She couldn’t get the heartbroken look on Randi’s face out of her mind.
When her phone vibrated on the table, then began to ring, she knew who it was without looking at the screen.
“You slept with her, didn’t you?” Dena stated as soon as she’d answered.
“Well…hello to you too, princess,” Berkley replied, sipping her beer.
“She’s going to break your heart.”
“Too late. I did it for her, and it hurt like hell.”
“You ended it?”
“Uh-huh,” she replied, taking another long swallow.
“I’m sorry, babe.”
“It’s going to take some time to get over her. I should’ve never let it go that far, but I couldn’t help it. One kiss and I was gone.”
“Are you in love with her?”
“It wouldn’t matter if I were. She’s with someone else,” she sighed. “But, damn, D. This one hurts.”
“I knew the first moment I saw you two together that this wasn’t going to end well,” Dena said. “I wish I knew how to turn back time.”
“I wouldn’t do it.”
“Really? Not even to stop yourself from sleeping with her?”
“No.”
Dena sighed. “You’re in deep, my friend.”
“I know. I’ll be alright.”
“Want me to come over? I just got home, but—”
“Nah, I’m good. I know you were called in.”
“Yeah. What a crazy night. Why do women always go into labor during storms?”
“I heard it’s something to do with the pressure in the air or something like that.”
“We nearly delivered one of two women we transported, on the side of the road. Other than that, it was a lot of calls for elderly patients needing oxygen and so on because their power was out.”
“I would’ve been better off getting called in,” Berkley uttered.
“Oh…so, it just happened last night?”
“Yep.”
“And you ended it today?”
“Yeah. We both got what we wanted. Why prolong it?”
“When did you decide, before or after you slept with her?”
“I knew when I woke up in her house this morning that it had to end.”
“You did it at her house?! Holy shit. Where was her girlfriend?”
“Out of the country.”
“At least there was
no chance of getting caught…this time.”
“No kidding. Getting chased down the street, half-dressed with no shoes, by an angry husband, wasn’t exactly good times.”
Dena laughed. “I was sure you’d learned your lesson, too.”
“Funny.”
“It seems like that was forever ago,” Dena said.
“A lifetime ago for me. I was still working with you at the Fire Department.”
“I know. I remember.”
“Thankfully, that hasn’t happened again,” Berkley muttered. “I swore I was done playing these games the last time I snuck out of someone’s bed before the sun came up.”
“I’m pretty sure this time was a little different,” Dena said sympathetically.
“Yeah,” Berkley sighed.
Dena hated hearing the sadness in her best friend’s voice. “I was serious about hanging out,” she said.
“I know. You’re my best friend and I love you to death, but I need to get through this on my own.”
“Okay. I’m going to take a shower and go to bed. Get those tits up, or I will come over there.”
“I will,” Berkley laughed hysterically.
37
Randi tossed and turned restlessly all night as her mind raced. By the time the sun rose, filling her room with an orange glow, she’d given up on sleep and moved to the kitchen to make coffee. She’d thought about going to The Grind, but the memory it invoked was still too raw. Sitting on a stool at the island, sipping from her mug and staring at the couch across the room wasn’t helping matters either. She was certain she would never be able to get that night out of her head, but she wasn’t interested in trying either.
Her stomach growled, bringing her back to reality, despite not having much of an appetite. Her nerves felt like the ends were frayed. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so helpless. Carrie was absolutely right. She was lost and had been for far too long.
*
By the time Olivia arrived home later in the day, Randi had taken a jog, did the laundry, and watched two movies, neither of which she actually remembered.
“Hey,” she said, walking inside with her suitcase in tow.
Randi smiled and hugged her. “How was your flight?”
“Great until I changed planes and had to deal with screaming babies,” Olivia replied, heading down the hallway to empty her suitcase. “How were things here?”
“Fine,” Randi said, leaning against the doorway.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Olivia kicked her shoes off and pushed the suitcase aside. Then, she sat on the side of the bed and patted the spot next to her. Randi walked over and sat down.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“What are we doing, Liv?”
“Us?”
“Yes. Do you feel like we’re going through the motions?”
“I don’t know. Where is this coming from?”
Randi shrugged. “I’ve been so lost lately. I wondered if you felt the same way.”
“No.”
“Seriously?” Randi shook her head. “You just came home from being away nearly a week and we barely hugged each other. That’s okay to you?”
“What’s going on with you?” Olivia questioned.
“We used to struggle to keep our hands off each other, scared our teammates would realize we were a lot more than friends or roommates. I feel like that’s all we are anymore.”
“I think people grow apart a little once a relationship settles down. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“How many times have we made love this year?”
“I don’t know. I don’t keep count.”
“Can you count to four? It’s August and we’ve had sex four times. That doesn’t sound odd to you?”
“Where are you going with this, Randi?”
“I’m trying to figure out why you’re comfortable with this…with all of it.” Randi wiped a tear from her cheek. “We’ve been living together as friends with benefits, and the benefits aren’t even happening anymore. I don’t know when all of this happened. I’ve tried to pinpoint a time when our relationship shifted. You can’t say you haven’t felt it, too.”
Olivia shrugged. “I guess, maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“Okay, fine. Yes.”
“Why haven’t you said anything to me?”
“I don’t know, Randi,” she growled. “What we have is comfortable. I guess.”
“Not for me.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying we need to see this relationship for what it is. We’re friends, Liv, not lovers. Not anymore. It hurts and it’s sad because for the last five years, we’ve been us. But, somewhere along the line, us turned into friends. Neither of us is happy, not if you’re being honest with yourself.”
“You’re right. Being content isn’t a relationship.” She reached over, grabbing Randi’s hand. “We’ve both changed so much,” she sighed.
“We grew up, and we grew apart.”
“Yeah.” Olivia nodded, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I feel sad, but I can’t be angry or upset. We’ve been avoiding this for a while. I’m glad we finally talked.”
“Me too.”
“Where does this leave things?”
“I’ll move into the spare room,” Randi said.
“There’s no reason we can’t live together as roommates. We’re obviously good at it.”
Randi laughed. “You’re right. Why not give it a try?”
“We already split the bills, so that won’t change.”
Randi nodded.
“It’s a little scary how easy this was,” Olivia said.
“I agree, but an amicable split is much better than a nasty fight. Besides, we’ve never been nasty fight people anyway.”
“True,” Olivia agreed, pulling her into a side hug.
38
Berkley drove past The Grind, taking a slightly altered route on her way to the gym before the start of her shift. She knew Randi wouldn’t be there, but she felt her presence nonetheless. It had been the better part of a week since she’d ended things, and it still stung like a freshly opened wound. “She was never yours,” she whispered to herself as she pressed the gas pedal and drove away.
*
“I’m not Dena, so I don’t know how to do girl talk and all of that, but…I’m here if you want to talk,” Garrett said. He was next to Berkley, doing dumbbell curls alongside her.
“Like man to man?” She grinned.
“Something like that,” he laughed. “The best way to get over a girl is to get under another one.”
Berkley grinned and shook her head. “I used to play that game…pretty well, actually.”
“I remember.”
“Not this time, though.” She changed weights and continued. “I won’t tell Dena your advice. She’s liable to smack you over the head.”
He shrugged and laughed. “What did she say?”
“She told me to get my tits up.”
“What?” he exclaimed, nearly dropping the weights in his hands.
“You’ve never heard the expression ‘get your tits up’?” she laughed.
“Uh…nope. Is that something girls say to each other?”
“It’s like ‘get back on the horse’ or ‘put your big girl pants on’. It’s an expression. We got it from a movie we saw together, and we say it to each other when we need encouragement. It’s a girl joke,” she chuckled. “But, feel free to get your tits up if you need to.”
“Funny,” he replied, setting the weights back on the rack.
“If you don’t start doing flies to work your pecks, you’ll need to get those tits up.”
“Fuck you,” he said with a grin while shaking his head.
“Come on, grab those forties since you’re a weenie, and I’ll spot you for flies.”
Reluctantly, he g
rabbed the heavy dumbbells and walked over to the bench.
“Thank you for reaching out. It means a lot, and I know I can talk to you, too. It doesn’t always have to be her.”
He nodded and lied back, ready to start lifting the weights.
“Are these thirties?” she laughed. “No wonder you’re growing tits,” she teased, feeling much happier than when she’d arrived an hour earlier. Most of her thoughts of Randi had vanished.
*
Randi lied on the spare room bed, staring at the ceiling. It was her fifth time waking up in there, and it still didn’t feel like her bed or her room. She and Olivia had kept their split a secret the entire week at training. She’d wanted to tell Carrie, but hadn’t found the right time. It felt like a dream. A really confusing, bad dream. During the day she went through the motions, mentally separating her life and Olivia’s. They’d already split their possessions, but living in the same house kept them intertwined.
At night, Berkley filled her thoughts, making it difficult for her to sleep. As much as she wanted to reach out to her, it was clear Berkley wasn’t interested after both of her calls went unanswered.
Randi grabbed her phone from the nightstand and scrolled through her contacts.
“Are you up?” she asked when her sister groggily answered the phone.
“I am now. What’s up? Why are you whispering?”
“I’m not. I’m just trying to be quiet. I’m not sure if Olivia is still sleeping.”
“Okay?” Elisa sat up, putting her pillow behind her against the headboard. The deflated sound of her sister’s voice was like alarm bells going off in her head. “What’s going on?” she asked softly.
“It’s over,” Randi sighed.
“What’s over? The thing with Berkley? You and Olivia? What?”
“All of the above.”
“Wait. What? You and Olivia?”
“It’s been over for a while. Neither of us wanted to admit it. Berkley helped me see it.”
“Wow. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s fine.”
“You were together for five years. It can’t just be fine, Miranda.”
Playing the Game Page 22
