by Marie Hall
"What do we need to do?" Gerald asked, folding his arms over his chest. Xavier could tell his men were frustrated with the situation, but if Mark was correct in his assessment, then they needed to set their own dissatisfaction aside.
"The best I can offer is, keep her talking. She is going to say the same things over and over but I do believe she is going to start to reveal whatever has her so frightened. Listen for the things she repeats, already she stresses she feels you left her behind."
"I did not," Xavier started then realized he was again denying how Io understood things. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he took a moment to consider everything Mark told him and everything he saw and heard from his own wife. "I did not intentionally leave her behind. It was not my want to make her feel abandoned."
"I believe you, Xavier, but it is not me you must convince," Mark said, walking away.
Xavier looked again at the wagon sheltering his wife. He did need to convince Io. And he needed to convince her of more than his commitment. He needed to convince his wife she could trust him. If he didn't find out what it was she kept from him and she did again run, he might not catch her in time.
Xavier spent the whole of the night and the first leg of the journey the next day trying to recall everything that transpired. Much of it was ugly, if he looked at it as Io might. But nothing seemed so awful she couldn't discuss it with him. He'd always thought Io knew she could speak with him on any matter. That he'd listen and be a fair judge and give sound advice. But if he were honest, Io most often complained he wasn't listening to her. That he wasn't available to hear her concerns or needs. For sure he made the mistake of silencing her when what she needed to say would have changed the outcome. Maybe she never recovered from that injustice. But how could she be unwilling to speak now? He came after her. What more did she need from him? He hoped to find out when they stopped to rest at midday, but his men seemed to have the same plan.
Chapter Four
Xavier watched a bit envious that his men didn't seem to lack the nerve to approach Io as he wanted to. Gunther, Lucas, Jon and Roth took seats next to Io, who'd again found a place away from everyone to eat the midday meal. The men crowded her, and when she made to stand and leave, they prevented it. She settled down trying to find a way to sit so she wasn't required to look at any of them. They shifted to keep her from doing that and she gave up. As Xavier continued to watch, they tried to engage her with a bit of light banter, but she didn't take the bait and when food and drink started being passed around, Xavier took the opportunity the distraction created to get behind the group. He managed to find a place to stand and listen.
"... you will have much to do when you return, my lady," Roth was saying. "Winter takes much to prepare for."
"Why would that be my responsibility? The house is not mine," Io grumbled.
Gunther's hand settled on her shoulder causing her to turn and face him. "It is your house, Lady Io."
Io took a deep breath, as if she was calling on all her patience in her attempt to explain to everyone. She sighed and then shrugged. "I cannot run a house such as Xavier's."
"Io, you were managing your house well before—" Gunther told her
"I was not. You need only ask your lord. I failed. That is why it was handed over to Lady Charlotte and Lady Sabrina. I failed; he said so." She drew up her knees and, folding her arms, put her head down.
"Io." Jon leaned in close. "It was not failure that gave the house to Charlotte Brice. Not failure on your part."
"You were not there, you—"
"I did not have to be to know. I have seen it before. Charlotte comes, she badgers her children until they are ready to swallow hemlock and, once she has what she wants, she goes." Jon put his arm around her and drew her close. "Io, most, including your husband, have learned to find some place to hide until she goes. She is an awful person, and she has become worse since the passing of her husband."
"But Xavier is the one who said I failed. He said the way I did things is the reason he gave the house to her."
Xavier clenched his jaw and pushed into the tree to keep from stomping over and shaking Io until her teeth rattled. He didn't give the house to anyone. Io stopped trying to make her will known. Charlotte took advantage of Io's unwillingness to command the people.
"What did he say you were not doing Io?" Jon asked.
"He said I did not command the people. And I did not. He was correct. I did not command. It was not needed; they all did as I asked before."
Well, that much was true. Xavier relaxed again and waited for them to get Io to say more.
"Did you try, after Xavier advised you to be more assertive? Did you try to issue commands?" Jon pushed.
"I did and when I did, he punished me." Xavier took the first step towards the group. Io wasn't going to continue to paint him a villain. But then she went on. "He told me to tell people what I wanted and to make them listen and do what I tell them. And he said if they would not, I was to get someone to make them. But when I told Sabrina she could not use my horse…" she sniffed, "Xavier would not support me. He declared me in the wrong. He took away Wednesday, he gave Sabrina the day he promised me and…" She sniffed again and shrugged. "How am I to succeed if the rules are not set? How do I not fail when I cannot know when I have authority and when I do not?" She sighed again but then she pushed her face into Jon's shoulder, the first time since they started home she sought comfort from anyone. "I do not wish to live with such uncertainty, I am sure to always be wrong. It is an impossible situation."
"Did you speak with Xavier on your concerns?" Gunther asked.
Xavier knew they hadn't spoken about the incident but it was because when he returned for her, she'd gone missing and it took three days to find her in the locked room and another day for her to stay awake long enough to have a conversation. Then she wouldn't speak to him and he was distracted trying to learn who locked her in and almost caused her death. He could now say they hadn't ever taken time to discuss the matters which set them at odds. Not the misunderstanding which kept her from the festival, not the way she tried to assert herself in the matter she spoke of. They never discussed why he hesitated to name his mother responsible for the attempts on her life. Why he didn't declare her a thief when Io's material was taken. They never talked about many things. Certainly the one matter he should have pursued more aggressively was Io's belief her only value was measured by what she did in his bed.
He felt his face heat and a sharp pain cut across his chest. Hadn't he let himself believe Io was past the discourse in the house when she joined him in their bedchamber? He'd mistaken her ability to find satisfaction between the sheets as her ability to be satisfied with everything as it stood. Perhaps if he'd taken more time, if he'd pressed when she claimed she'd nothing to say, but he'd only been thinking of his need for her. He was about to get what he'd waited for, for such a long time. Again a pain burned in his chest. He'd done what was easy for him. Every bit of this was due to his selfish actions. How hadn't he seen any of this before Io left?
He groaned and, pressing his back to the tree, slid down to sit in the dirt. How could he have seen any of it? Io avoided him because he'd not proven supportive and he, like Jon said, was avoiding the house as a way to hide from his mother. His mistake was his absence. He'd not left Io behind in a pure sense, but he'd walked away every morning and never gave any thought to what he left Io to handle. Too, he knew she wouldn't stand against Charlotte, not when she spent her entire life avoiding conflicts. She did only what she had to in order to survive. A stand against an authority figure wasn't Io's first choice. She sometimes challenged him only because she was confident of the outcome before she did. She was also very aware of the consequences if she miscalculated.
The camp began to break up as men put away their supplies and readied to ride on until sunset. Xavier remained where he was. That he stooped to listening was bad enough, he didn't need Io to learn of his less than honorable actions. Not only because she didn't
need more reasons to dislike him, but he didn't know if he'd need to do more of it. He knew if she said anything helpful, his men would pass it on. But he'd rather Io feel she could find a confidant if she needed one among the people surrounding her now.
"Io," Xavier heard Jon call and when he looked, he saw the man held her back. He ducked back behind the tree when Io turned to face Jon. "Io, when you told Xavier how you felt about his not standing with you, what did he say?"
"I did not speak with him."
"Why not?" Jon asked with a bit of a chuckle. "Did you not tell him he was an ass? Tell him he should have made that woman get off Wednesday."
"He made his position clear. It would have changed nothing." Io sounded tired and when Xavier looked, he saw she stood head down, shoulders slumped.
"Perhaps not that moment but for the next time?" Jon said, taking her hands in his.
"As I said, he made his stance understood and…" Io faded off. Did she really think she couldn't speak with him about issues on which they disagreed?
"And what, Io?" Jon pressed.
And… Xavier let other matters stop them from having those conversations.
Io response was to shrug. "Io?"
Xavier watched carefully. Io was becoming agitated, but it wasn't at Jon's persistence. Xavier recognized the way Io held herself, how she stopped picking at her nails to rub at her shoulder. Her chin was tucked in close to her chest. Something strikingly important was occurring to her. It wasn't that she remembered something, she was trying to connect what she remembered to something else. She was the same when something in their home reminded her of something she experienced in one of the many other houses she passed through as a child. If she made the connection, she very often became obsessed with making some kind of change.
Xavier stood and waited. Io knew only hardship and uncertainty before she became his wife. He'd sworn to her, again and again, it'd be different with him. He'd made that promise and yet here they were, here she was again living with hardship and uncertainty, worse because she didn't expect to arrive at any place she might find either even for a short time.
"Io?" Jon asked again, "you never went to him after… after all the emotions cooled? You never tried to—"
"Other matters presented," Io snapped and headed to the road, Jon on her heels but she wasn't inclined to say more for the next several days.
Chapter Five
Io sucked in a breath and pressed her hand to her side. The pain today was sharper than yesterday, but she'd keep putting one foot in front of the other. Behind her, she heard men talking and laughing. The wagon wasn't far behind and she could climb inside but, every time she rode, she found sleep hard to resist. And she didn't want to sleep, she wanted to think. A deep breath and she pulled back her shoulders and dropped her hand away before putting more length in her stride. One of the riders passed her carefully then sent the horse he rode into a run. That wasn't unusual when Io walked.
The men often rode up to exchange places with another. She was constantly surrounded, both sides and to the rear. The road ahead though was open as Xavier had them ride to the sides so she wasn't constantly stepping around piles of horse shit.
Io groaned again and rubbed at her forehead. Why was he being so thoughtful? Or had it been he'd thought of her, at least her well-being all along and she somehow missed it? The conversation a few days ago made her wonder if she was rash in her actions. No, no it wasn't possible because there was still… another pain rolled across her stomach and she stumbled. She'd not acted wrongly. If she'd stayed, how long before the next attempt on her life and who could tell her it wouldn't be successful. He'd gotten so close the last time and, not once but twice, she almost met her end.
Still, every time she recalled all the events, she recalled Xavier at least giving a vague attempt to speak with her. Always something stopped him. And she couldn't ignore the fact that often directly following some argument, Io didn't want to speak to him. Didn't even want to see him for the hurt it caused. She could say if she'd not heard the villagers speaking about how Lady Charlotte was going to see Xavier wed to Sabrina by the year's end, Io might not have avoided him. They would have spoken the next day not the next week when he'd finally caught her. Too, if she wasn't locked in her private room, if she'd not hit her head and been unable to speak, they might have not only spoken but taken that trip together. He'd only said he didn't want to be with her then, but he'd also said they'd discuss what took place as soon as he returned. He'd not spent three days away with Sabrina like she'd thought. Ann confirmed that. She said too the search for her was quite desperate.
And thinking more, Io could recall every single time they were about to take a moment to have a conversation that didn't include either screaming at each other or Io face down over his lap, there was an interruption. Someone was always there to send either one or the other off to settle some matter. It was very much as if people in the house didn't want them to find resolutions which might have created an opportunity for Io to show Xavier she was capable of running his house. Maybe even show him that while she'd never be a fine lady like Sabrina, she was willing to try and gain those skills for him.
The pain cut into her thoughts again and this time she had to stop. Bending and twisting, she took in several deep breaths. Damn this. Damn all of it. Why did she always have to be the one who suffered? Hadn't she tried? She tried more for Xavier than for anyone else her whole life. Why hadn't he tried? Why hadn't he said he didn't like how she did things before he gave the house to his mother? Why did he wait until he restored her ability to hope before again crushing that hope? Why did he come after her? Why if he preferred she be tossed in some hole and forgotten, did he behave as if he wanted nothing more than to have her beside him? None of it made sense. And no matter how hard she willed it to be different, she couldn't stop the pain she felt hoping for a different outcome knowing it wouldn't be.
She drew in another deep breath and tried to straighten. Wiping at tears, she wanted to believe they were from physical pain not from the destructive burn caused when hope flared to life. Taking one step then another Io moved forward but the pain wouldn't go this time. The cramp twisted her middle and she again bent in half. What was this? She almost laughed. Maybe he'd still be getting want he wanted. Maybe she'd die on the road returning to the house. Maybe…
"Io?"
The long thick legs of the big black horse appeared in her line of sight. She lifted her head, following the legs upward until they became the barreled chest of the animal. Still not able to stand erect, Io turned her head. Before she could pull away, the warm, soft muzzle touched her cheek. One short hot puff of air blew her hair from her face. Panic welled and Io stepped back, stumbled and hit the ground hard. The pain in her middle was now replaced by a pain in her hip and elbow. Damn him, could all he do was cause her pain?
"Io?" Xavier called as he untangled himself from oilskins he used and dismounted. She watched and when he stepped towards her, the horse did as well. Maybe he'd let the beast stomp her seeing as she was already on the ground. "Io?" he called again.
Io scrambled backwards and the animal tried to push past. Rolling to her knees, she pushed up and climbed back to her feet all the while moving to put more distance between her and the horse. Xavier must have caught on she wasn't going to let the horse near enough and turning, he handed the reins to Jon. Forcing herself to ignore the bumps and bruising and the unabating cramping in her middle, Io stood upright and faced the man she called husband.
He stood there looking at her so oddly. She almost laughed when she glanced at the horse and it too seemed to be looking at her like she'd lost her mind. The other men gathered around her also looked at her with a mix of concern and confusion. Why? They couldn't think she'd ever get near such an animal again. She wasn't stupid. Just because she'd forgotten, like she'd forgotten so many, many things while with Xavier. She wasn't going to forget again. She wasn't going to ever forget. She'd never be that stupid again. To believ
e, to think for one moment she might…
"Io," Xavier whispered as he set his hand on her arm. "Are you hurt?"
Dear God why did he have to sound like he cared? As if finding her unharmed was what he most wanted. She could only shake her head because her throat was tight and her mouth dry.
"Then why do you cry?" He began pulling her closer, her feet sliding in the dirt scraped loudly. It was the same sound she remembered from being dragged towards the edge of the cliffs. "Io?"
She didn't want this. She didn't deserve this. She'd have gone if he let her. She'd tried. She'd tried several times to go and each time he stopped her. He convinced her he didn't want her gone. He made her believe, have hope… forget. "No," Io yelled and jerked free. "No," she stated a second time in case they missed it the first. No, she wasn't going to forget this time. She wouldn't believe in those things. Home and forever didn't exist. There was no place safe in the whole of the world and no one she could depend on but herself.
"Io." Now he sounded annoyed.
"Leave me be," she said, wrapping her arms around herself and starting forward down the road. He reached for her but she twisted out of reach and saw his expression shift. He hated she avoided him so easy. She knew at one time he practiced how to catch someone trying to stay out of his reach. She was amused then, not so much now.
"Io," he called but she kept going. "Io," he called again and sounded as if he was commanding her to stop. She once swore to obey his commands. But he'd sworn so many things and never kept to his oath. Why should she? She kept walking and nearly hit the side of the horse Mark placed in her path. She was close enough she saw the animals flesh quiver before the tail swished around and brushed her arm.
