by Marie Hall
"Go back and go through down there." Her eyes pleaded with him. She was not simply scared she was terrified.
"This is the only path through. Below is cut off and we must start moving again, Io, so we are not caught in here when dark comes."
Her expression crumpled and she pressed her face against his leg and cried, "I cannot."
"I am here, Io, everyone is here. You will not go over." He signaled the men to bring their horses around to his left and stand between the ledge and Io. The two men who'd tried to carry her over approached and looked to try and be guiding her around his horse to the other side. She may have gone but she was going to sob the whole way. "No, leave her on this side." He made a slight adjustment and setting a hand on her shoulder urged her to turn her back to him.
"Wrong side?" she said as she turned.
"It will be all right," he assured with a smile. He'd taught her to never mount on the right but this served a purpose as she'd be riding facing the rocks and not looking down over the side of the road. The men lifted her and Xavier got the furs around her and pressed Cloud forward. Io clutched at him and her hysterics started back as she chanted at him to "go back." He took it as long as he could, trying to console her through touch and soft words. Nothing worked and the longer she went on with the upset, the more fits of coughing racked her. She was exhausting herself and the day wasn't half over. He needed to act, to find something to distract her. Foolish conversations weren't going to happen. He couldn't remember what they talked about last time they traveled. A good amount of time was spent on, "Lessons." The word came out almost a shout. "Io, you have been too long from any lesson. You will start now that I have an idea of what to set you to once we are home. Begin."
"No, no, no," she cried, balling his shirt in her fist.
"Begin, Io, or I will make you start every one of them over and you will have no time that is yours until you are caught up. Begin."
"Begin with what," she muttered and sniffed then sat up a little straighter.
"Begin with… seven." He said the first thing that came to him.
"Seven?"
"Yes, seven one time is…" he prompted
"Seven."
"Go on, seven two times is…" He adjusted his hold as she sat up more.
"Fourteen."
"Yes, more, Io, continue."
"Seven three times is twenty-one." She cleared her throat and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Seven four times is Twenty-eight. Xavier, how high must I count?"
"I think it will be a good showing if you go to one hundred." He hid his smile against her hair. "Count that high with each seven, nine, twelve and eighteen." He smothered the laugh that almost slipped when she gave him that sigh, but she started again counting. And the longer she recited, the more she eased in his arms.
She was almost through the set of twelve when looking ahead he could see the rock walls drop away so that both side of the pass were boarded by the ravine. The left side was far steeper but he wasn't sure how much it would take to send Io reeling again. He scooted back, grabbed Io's leg and spun her so she sat facing him then he closed the space and pulled the furs about her so she was unable to see the views. "I tire of numbers, Io, I think it should be good to hear you recite your histories. Tell me about…" He searched his mind for one which might be good to listen to. "Tell me of the emperor Caligula."
"Oh, Xavier," she huffed at him, leaning back a little to look up. "That one made his horse a senator. He was not a good man."
"And what did he name his horse?"
"Incitatus," she answered without hesitation.
"Yes, now see that is a good name for a horse." He smiled and shifted to ensure she didn't see her surroundings.
"Yes, but it was taken." She rested her check on his chest and put her arms around him.
"What do you mean it was taken?"
"Yes, taken twice. Both Sir Roswell and Gabbin have horses by that name."
"You do not know the names of all the horse in our stables." He knew the answer even before she opened her mouth.
"It is not polite to not know someone's name." She poked him in the rib.
"Someone, Io, not some horse."
"Xavier, everyone deserves a name to be remembered by. What will you say in the years ahead, I had a great war horse, who fought and made me victorious and found my wife once when she was lost. And when they ask his name you will say… horse?"
"I concede, Io, it is important to have a name and to be known by that name. Now, your histories." He listened as she started the recitation. More, he thought about what she said about being remembered by name. It was important to her. If he recalled correctly, it was the thought he wanted her forgotten that bothered her more than the thought he wanted her dead. Once matters of her safety were settled and he could give time to less vital dealings he might try and think of some ways to show her she wouldn't ever be forgotten. He knew he could say to her she'd never be long from his mind, but actions told Io more than his words did.
"… and he built libraries and the Colosseum in Rome. Have you seen that, Xavier?" Io asked, disrupting his thoughts.
"Seen what?" he asked, knowing he was admitting to not listening to her.
She slapped his arm. "You do not listen."
"I beg pardon. I was distracted. What did you want to know?"
"I asked if you had seen the Colosseum in Rome built by the emperor Vespasian?" she asked, then hummed a bit before muttering, "Perhaps Otho was not the best name to give a goat, but that was all I had learned when I got him and he was the best choice of them all."
Xavier laughed. Io's deep consideration as to the naming of a goat was something that brought him joy, the very name did. He felt her take a deep breath and then heard the huff she made. A few more chuckles and he kissed her head. "Otho was a very good name for your very good goat. And I am sure your next goat will have a name that suits him too." She huffed again then nodded. "As to seeing things in Rome, I have not been. I should like to take a pilgrimage. I have heard the sea there is as clear as the sky and warmer than the ocean we were in. Lucas I believe has gone to Rome."
"Yes, I have been. I made the pilgrimage when I was a boy," Lucas said as he nudged his horse into a trot alongside Cloud. "I am ashamed to say as a boy I did not give much attention to the great things all around me. I was more interested in finding other boys to play with."
"It does not matter," Io said and shrugged. "Master Crander has a drawing I can look at."
"Maybe we can make the journey together, Io. We could see Rome to—" Xavier started to suggest.
"No," Io was quick to protest.
"Well, if you change your mind, we could go." He couldn't say he was surprised at her unwillingness to travel. She'd not been sure if she wanted to go as far as Crudale to see the festival. Rome was a great deal further. And while Xavier might want to someday see other parts of the world, he suspected as Io's husband he never would. It wasn't such a sacrifice though. She was more than enough to look at and keep his interest.
"I will not," she told him. Again he chuckled.
"I believe you, but what say you to stopping for a meal?" He eased his horse from the road into a small clearing.
"Here?" Her voice conveyed panic and she gripped his shirt when he sat back and readied to set her down.
"Here looks quite good a spot."
"No, the ledge. I do not…" Her grip tightened and pulled his collar against his neck.
"What ledge, Io?" he asked and then nudged her that she might take a look around. "We have been through the pass for hours now. Look."
She peeked out a little, then a little more. "Xavier?"
"It is safe, Io. You are safe." Again he nudged her until she sat away from him. "I am hungry. You should be too. We can eat and stretch our legs and maybe get a little further on before dark." He pushed the furs away so Ian, who was already reaching for her, could get a firm hold before pulling her down. Xavier dismounted, handing the reins to someone
else so he could take Io's hand and lead her into the clearing.
He settled her among some trees to block the wind and went back to pull supplies from his packs. They'd made good distance with Io riding and the distraction of her chatter made the time pass easily. He wouldn't mind going the rest of the journey in this manner. But he could hear her coughing now and even as well bundled as he'd kept her, it was better she travel more in the wagon out of the weather.
Io turned her back to him as he approached. Xavier could only assume she wished to keep the building illness from him by hiding the cough the best she could. But it was not the cough that brought concern. "Io, are you crying?"
Chapter Fourteen
"I am a coward," Io sobbed, falling against Xavier. Now was the time to do this if she went one more step more. As she had, she'd not be able to let him go. She didn't think she could now. But he could, he was strong enough, reasonable enough to know how to let her go. "I am a coward and no lady and not fit to be any man's wife, least a warrior's." She gave him all the reasons he needed and prepared for the rest of the pain that would come when he agreed.
"Io, you are not a coward."
She thumped her fist against his chest. His quick and typical denial wasn't going to help anyone. "Yes," she insisted.
"Io, you are no coward." His arms came around her and pulled her close. "What makes you think you are?"
"I am afraid of everything. I cannot even walk a road." And the wind in the trees made noises that put her on edge when he walked away. She was within sight and speaking distance of an army and the breaking branched made her jump.
"Io." Here it came; his acceptance he couldn't have a coward as a wife. Not on his lands with so much work needed to keep the holding safe. "You are not a coward because you are afraid of a cliff edge. That you do not want to ride a horse doesn't make you a coward." A large gust of wind bent the trees and again the branches, heavy with snow and ice snapped. Io jumped wondering if it was a bear or a wolf. "Io," he said with a chuckle and rubbing his hands up and down her arms. "You are not a coward, simply cautious."
"No." Why did he find an excuse? How much harder did he need to make things?
"Yes, and I for one am rather glad you have become such."
Io pulled back and looked at him. He did look pleased with something. "You are glad I am a coward?"
His laughter rang out and the sound of snow crashing through limbs thudded around. "I am glad you are cautious. As I said you are not a coward."
She opened her mouth to protest his denial but he set her away and shook his head at her before moving to a small patch of clear ground. He removed his cloak and spread it out then returned for his supply pack and, taking her hand, moved them to sit down. Xavier caught her around the waist before she could settle and pulled her into his lap.
"Io, these fears you have, of the horse, of falling from a cliff, of sounds in the distance that you cannot place. You have rightly earned those fears. The acts which made them are so very new and you have had to relive them. But given time they will fade."
"Perhaps, but how long can you have a coward as a wife and be successful?"
"Io, you are not a coward, and even if you are now, I could have you welcomingly until I die," Xavier said snuggling her against him. "But you are not a coward."
"I am. Why do you deny the truth? Always?"
"Io, what makes you think you are one?"
She turned a bit more to look at him. Maybe he hadn't heard her but his chuckle said he had so she turned back and taking a deep breath and let it out as she reached for the pack.
"Io, this morning were you afraid to ride a horse?" Xavier took the weighty pack and pulled into her lap so they could both reach the food stuff.
"Yes."
"Are you afraid to ride alone on a horse of your own at this moment?"
"Yes." She stressed the word as much as she could.
"If we came under attack this moment and I set you on Cloud to have you ride to safety or for help, could you?"
"If…" Cloud was a good horse, she was mostly sure of him again now that she'd been on him. "If I had to get help, I… maybe…" she faded off and shrugged.
"Io, you got on a horse today, you rode that horse through a pass with steep drops. You did both even though you were afraid. That is the definition of bravery not cowardice. Doing things you are afraid of is brave." He paused and took a bite of the hard tack.
"No," Io said with a shake of her head. How was that the definition?
Xavier lifted the wine skin and took a long drink. Maybe trying to help the tack dissolve so he could speak again. "Yes, Io. As of this moment I think you to be the bravest person I know."
"You help nothing by blinding yourself with flattery," Io said, accepting the skin and taking a small drink of the sharp tasting wine.
"It is not flattery and it does not blind me. I see what you have done today and I am both awed and proud. I am also more ashamed of myself after watching you than I think I have ever been. You are no coward, Io, but I have certainly been one."
The wine nearly spewed out and Io was left choking for a moment. "Xavier, I—"
"No, Io. I know I have been a coward. And I have been one for a time. And my cowardly acts have brought you some great harm." His tone was as contrite as Io had ever heard it and though she didn't know how, she wanted to give him comfort, solace.
"No, Xavier." She set the pack away and turned to wrap her arms around his neck. "No, you are not a coward. You have fought great battles and made the whole of the kingdom a good place to be. You ended that madman at the Forks and the raiders on your land and—"
"All easy things for the most part, Io. But that is not bravery. Bravery is doing what you should or must even though it frightens you. I know this. I was taught this at such a young age I cannot say it wasn't the first lesson I had. And it was a lesson I repeated often as I trained and entered battles of all sorts. Always men are scared when they are facing an enemy across a field, but they charge forward anyway because they must. That is being brave. You got on a horse today and not because you had no choice but because you were willing to try. That is the utmost in bravery."
"But—" She started only to have him hold up a finger to hold her while he tried to chew and swallow.
"I should have confronted Charlotte. I did not because, as I said, I have been afraid to. I had an obligation to do so for you. I ran from that. I acted as a coward would."
"I ran."
His soft chuckle vibrated through her body. "You ran from a physically dangerous situation. I cannot tell you more, but I will tell you again, you were not wrong to do so. There was no hurt that could have befallen me if I had stood against that woman in your defense. I should have. That was a duty, an oath I took and, because I was afraid of her, I did not." He shifted about and forced Io to look at him. "I will say so now and prove to you the first chance I have, I will not be a coward again, Io. You will have the kind of man, husband you deserve."
They ate in silence and Io thought about his argument. He was so determined to have her and knowing that made her warm with confidence and need. But she couldn't dismiss his want to do as his father wanted. She could believe Xavier didn't like his mother, though she couldn't understand how mothers and children could be at such odds. His father though was important to him. Everything in his tone and his body when he spoke of James Brice told Io how he grieved the man's loss. It was without a doubt equal to what she felt for her mother. If Xavier kept her as wife, if he did or said anything to Charlotte in Io's defense would he feel, later, regret? Would he be left thinking he was a lost son? Would he have to defend his actions or words to everyone and listen to them say how his father would've been shamed? Slandered by him? And would it in the end ruin his reputation, cause him loss of status in the eyes of the crown and his peers?
He said bravery was doing what she feared to do. She feared losing him completely and forever. But she feared more having him resenting her the rest of his
life. She slipped from his lap and turned to face him.
"I cannot be your wife," she said with as much conviction as she could. When she glanced up, he was frozen with his hand halfway to his mouth. His mouth was open but she didn't know if it was open in shock or to receive food. His expression was a mix of confusion and amusement. "I am sorry; I cannot be your wife."
His mouth snapped shut, his hand fell away and his brow knitted together as a heat filled his eyes. "Io, you are my wife."
"Yes, but you must end what we have. I hope without needing to end me as well." She tried for a lightness but failed as her voice cracked halfway through.
"Your end and the end of our marriage will not come any time soon, Io. Why do you even say this?" Anger was replaced by hurt in his eyes. "Do you hate and distrust me so you cannot move past, not give me a chance to make things right for you?"
"I do not hate you at all. I… trust you. At least I do not think you tried to kill me or even that you want Lady Sabrina—"
"Then why this now?"
"Xavier, you will not be happy if you are not your father's son. If you keep me, you go against your mother and you disappoint your father. You must do as your mother wants so you will be happy and your father will be proud of you. Maybe, too, your mother will be kinder to you and you will have that as well. To keep me mean you lose that."
"Io." She saw him squeeze his eyes shut and rub at his forehead. When his eyes opened again, she could swear it was humor she saw there. "Io, for the love of heaven. Is this what you do when I leave you in your own head too long? Is it? Do you sit in there and talk yourself into these tragic circles?" He reached out and pulled her so she toppled against him awkwardly. He had the advantage and held her down without effort. "You must stop, Io. Your logic is completely flawed and without merit as it misses more facts than it uses."
"No," she said, trying to sit up.
"Yes. Yes, Io. You do not even start with a correct assumption."
