by K. M. Raya
"Breathe Freya, just breathe...in and out," came an achingly familiar voice that startled her.
She choked back tears as her body shook with sobs. Her nails were caked with dirt and there were sticks in her hair. She looked up into Sebastian's blue eyes and wanted to shrivel away into nothing.
He knelt in front of her, grasping her by the shoulders and rocked her in his arms as her cries turned ugly.
"Shhh...It was just a dream, just a dream," He cooed and she couldn't understand why he was comforting her.
"I can still feel them..." she whispered as she looked back up at him. Tears streamed down his cheeks too.
She had never seen him cry before.
"I can hear it...and see it! Oh my god, I can taste the smoke!" She almost gagged.
"What did you expect?" he asked bitterly and she recoiled. He was getting angry now that she was awake. A switch had flipped in him.
She tried to pull away but he just moved to grip her cheeks between his hands. "I heard you calling out their names...we all could. Why are you doing this to me? Why do you have to be here?" He cried as too much repressed emotion overtook him.
His hands were shaking as he held her.
"It should have been you!" He yelled. “It should have been fucking you!”
And he was right.
"Don't you think I know that!? I wish for it every day!" She cried as they gazed at each other, basking in the sorrow that they shared. "I deserve it! I want it!" She yelled at him, no longer concerned about waking the other campers nearby. It seems he'd caught her crawling a good distance through the trees.
"Yeah, but you didn't, did you?! And I won't let you either...it's not what Carmen or Mina would have wanted. You’ll live with what you did for the rest of your life, but I'll be damned if I let you out the easy way." He promised and it sent a chill down her spine.
"Why are you holding me, Bash?" She asked in desperation. She didn't know whether to be comforted by his touch, or afraid of him.
His brows furrowed and he suddenly looked confused. "I don't know...I don't understand shit anymore. Everythings just so fucked up now and you're the only thing that feels like home." He admitted through his tears. He looked angry with himself.
"You’ll never know how sorry I am. I don't even remember what happened. It's all just a haze of blackness until..." She stopped as he winced and fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. She reached out to brush them away. His blue eyes shot to hers, searching her face desperately.
His lips were on hers in seconds. It was a crushing and mournful type kiss. It was violent and passionate at the same time. In it, she could feel his hatred for her warring with a love that had been building steadily for years that had never been able to bloom. She kissed him back with just as much ferocity and still, neither of them stopped crying. She gripped his long blonde hair in her fingers and he squeezed her face between his hands. He tasted like salt and grief.
Ripping his face from hers, they were startled when a beam of light clicked on and flashed across their vision.
"Everything alright out here?" Called out a familiar voice when suddenly Sebastian released her and allowed her to drop to the forest floor.
"We’re good, man," Sebastian called out roughly as he began to walk away. He made it to Maverick before turning back and casting one last confusing look her way and walking off into the night.
She remained on the ground, looking like a mess covered in dirt and sticks. Maverick approached her slowly and crouched in front of her, keeping the flashlight aimed at the floor.
"You okay?" He asked softly and she could see genuine concern in his dark gaze as she stared back at him through watery eyes.
"No. I'm not." She replied honestly. "I don't think I'll ever be okay again."
Freya
She woke in the morning but noticed that she was not in her bed, nor was she in the clearing. A heavy blanket covered her and it smelled like sunscreen.
The room was lit up with sunlight that streamed through the open window behind her. She swiveled her body to the side and lowered her feet to the ground but recoiled as they hit something soft. That something groaned deeply and cursed under his breath he sat up. Maverick rubbed the sleep from his eyes and smiled when he saw her staring at him.
"Morning," was all he grumbled before standing up and stretching his back. She felt herself blush as she looked away, determined not to be a creep.
He had no idea how good he looked, even in the morning before rubbing the sleep from his chocolate colored eyes. Freya brought her gaze back to his long, lithe body and couldn't suppress the shiver that traveled down her spine and spread out through her limbs. She wanted nothing more at that moment than for him to crawl up onto the bed and join her.
"Good morning...uh, what am I doing in your room?" She asked and he just smirked.
"Ah, the ancient proverb," he teased and she couldn't help but chuckle. "No but really, after your little journey through the woods I couldn't get you to tell me which cabin was yours so I figured I'd let you sleep it off here." He explained.
"O-okay then. Thanks for letting me crash here but I'm..."
He interrupted, "I know, I know— you have to go right?" He asked as he threw a towel over his shoulder.
She blushed and looked at her feet, determined not to make a fool of herself any more than she already had.
"Yeah...and, if you could just keep what you saw last night to yourself? I'd appreciate it."
"I don't think I even understand what I saw," he answered softly. His eyes bore into hers with a seriousness that hadn't been there a moment ago. "But whatever it was stays between us," he assured her.
Freya smiled gratefully. She was ready to leave his stifling room. She needed a nice, hot shower and perhaps a long nap. Without another word, Freya walked out of Mavericks cabin, looking around her in fear of someone spotting her. Wouldn't that be just what she needed. Being seen sneaking out of a counselor's room in the morning…
Back in her cabin, showered, dressed and boots laced up tight, she decided she'd had enough hiding. Being at camp again was the most painful thing she'd endured in months, but even worse was laying in bed all day—dwelling.
She left the campsite and took a trail that headed up a steep mountainside which she knew overlooked the valley below. The air was frigid the higher she climbed, but she sucked in lungfuls of fresh air like she couldn't get enough. The trees were beautiful here. They went for miles around her and for the first time in a while she felt truly alone. After an hour of walking, climbing and enjoying the sun as it rose high into the sky, Freya finally came upon a stream, filled to the edge from the spring rains with icy snow runoff and decided to take a swim.
She stripped down to her blue one piece bathing suit and stepped into the refreshing water and let it run over her sore feet. She hadn't been hiking since the previous summer and had forgotten just how hard it could be on the body. Not to mention the constant ache in her right leg that wouldn't let up. It felt wonderful as she waded in deeper to feel the cool water rush over her scars. She had always loved swimming but hadn't been brave enough to expose herself in a very long time. Freya stayed like that for a while before sitting down, letting the water rise up to her shoulders. She smiled to herself as she recalled the times she had gone rafting with Mina and her older brother Sean. Sean was married now and had two children, so they hadn't been on a rafting trip in over four years.
Mina loved the outdoors. Always the first to hike, swim, climb and anything that might qualify as an extreme sport. Freya had always tried to keep up with her wild best friend, but never could quite muster up the same level of enthusiasm. Carmen however, wouldn't touch a river raft if her life depended on it. Carmen was a delicate soul some might say. For how loud and boisterous she was in personality, she was quite timid when it came to anything physically taxing. Her lovely friend with her flowing blonde hair and deep blue eyes much preferred tanning in the sand as opposed to wading through the rapids. Freya fel
t tears beginning to sting her eyes, but for once she decided not to stop them. She decided to give in to her sorrow and let it flow over her like a wave. In her mind's eye she could see them, hear them. They had been her sisters. Her best friends. Her whole world.
Rough hands closed over her eyes with a heavy force and pulled her head backwards. She opened her mouth to scream when suddenly it was filled with water. She struggled to release the strangers hold on her head but it only made the grip tighter. One hand moved to the back of her head, pulling on her hair until her skull slammed to the riverbed. Pain lanced through her head and neck and she cried out again beneath the rushing water. A moment later she was pulled up roughly as she broke the surface and gasped though sputtering coughs. The hand still gripped her hair. Through blurry eyes she could make out the form of a person wading through the water towards her. As her eyes cleared, she recognized Charlie as he knelt down and grabbed her flailing ankles in a vice grip. Terror seized her heart as he looked into her eyes.
A voice from behind her spoke in her ear, sending a cold chill down her spine. "Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused?" Josiah muttered to her. She knew his voice after years of being close friends. They'd grown up together.
His hands were rough on her arms with calluses after years of playing baseball. He was strong too. Stronger than her.
He didn't let her respond before speaking again. "My parents lost their jobs because of you!" He yelled before grabbing her hair and yanking her back under water without warning. He brought her head back up a moment later and she felt the grip on her ankles squeeze. She couldn't get enough air and she could feel her vision clouding.
She looked into Charlie's eyes and could have sworn she'd seen a flicker of something behind his gaze...guilt?
She didn't have a chance to contemplate it before Josiah spoke again, growling into her ear "Have you any idea how much jail time they could have had if they had been charged? Serving alcohol to minors is a big deal even if they weren't there. If it weren't for you, little bitch, none of this shit would have happened!" His voice rose with his anger. "You ruined everything!"
"I'm sorry Josiah!" She tried to scream but her voice was garbled as she continued to choke on river water. "I didn't mean for any of this!" She sobbed.
Josiah laughed but there was no trace of humor in it. "Yeah, we all heard you tell that to the courtroom while your lawyer parents conned the judge out of giving you prison time. Spoiled little princess couldn't handle the big house?" He asked with another dark chuckle.
"Jos, man, maybe we should get out of here, she's had enough for now," urged Charlie from his position at her feet. His voice was rough with worry and his fingers were shaking on her ankles.
"Enough? It'll never be enough! She ruined lives, Charlie! Not just my family, but Sebastian's, Minas and B—Ben's!" He choked on the last one. He and Ben had been like brothers. Emotion clouded his voice. "What about them, Charlie? Will it ever be enough!?"
His hands snaked down toward her neck and his trembling fingers closed around her throat. She didn't even fight him. Whatever was happening, she knew she deserved it and more. His fingers squeezed and cut off her air supply. She looked up into Josiah's eyes and watched the tears stream down his cheeks and hit the lenses of his thick framed glasses. Every trace of the boy she once knew was absent. Josiah had always been popular. Always the class clown, the trickster. People loved him and he loved people. It was hard to reconcile that with the shattered boy before her. Sure he hadn't been there that night, but the guilt he too must feel had to be tremendous.
His hands were suddenly ripped away as the pressure on her ankles released. Charlie had Josiah in a headlock as Freya began to cough and heave as she scrambled towards the riverbank. Charlie was screaming at Josiah as he released him from his hold and the two boys glared at one another for a moment before Josiah collapsed his head into his friends chest and shook with heaving sobs. Freya laid there on the bank of the river, clutching her throat long after the two boys had eventually wandered off. She was freezing cold in just her swimsuit. The only thought that tumbled around in her oxygen deprived brain was Why? Why didn't he finish the job? It could have been so easy, and the pain would have disappeared.
Hours later, long after the sun had gone down, Freya pulled herself together and dressed her chilled body in her jeans, shirt and boots. She headed down the mountain side the same way she had come.
Freya
Freya stumbled into camp that night, cold and sore. Her throat burned and her leg was throbbing by the time she reached her cabin. Most of the other campers were at the bonfire by now and she was relieved that she could sleep in peace if only for a little while.
She flicked on the light to her room and immediately let out a loud yelp as her eyes zeroed in on the figure sitting on her bed. Sebastian sat there with his arms draped over his knees and looking way too large for a twin mattress. He glared at her and she wondered just how long he had been sitting in darkness.
"Holy shit, you scared me!" She yelled as she held her hand over her heaving chest.
"Where have you been?" He demanded. He was angry and she didn't understand why.
"What do you mean where have I been?" She huffed and walked into the room further. "Since when are you keeping track of my whereabouts?" She asked.
Sebastian swung his legs over the side of the bed and rose to his full height. "Where. Have. You. Been?" He asked slowly this time. "I've been sitting in your room for three fucking hours," He admitted and didn't look even the slightest bit embarrassed. Her cheeks however, were on fire.
She turned away from him and mumbled "Out for a hike..." But when she tried to back away further, Sebastian reached out and pulled her to him roughly.
His dark blue eyes zeroed in on her bruised neck and anger filled his gaze. "Who the fuck did this to you?" He demanded. "Those are fingerprints, Freya!"
"Why should I tell you anything?" She asked as she jerked away from him, stumbling backwards. "Why do you get to come here and demand answers? I’m staying out of your way, remember?”
"I want to know right now is who the hell put their hands on your throat?" He seethed and his anger seemed to be rising by the second. She was so confused.
‘Why is he here? None of this makes sense.’
"I don't know what you're talking about. I was hiking. I went for a swim in the river and fell asleep, that's all— not that I even owe you an explanation."
"Bullshit," he snapped.
"It's not bullshit. Now what did you need? Why are you in my room in the first place?"
For a moment he just blinked at her. She could have sworn for a second that he was just as confused. "It doesn't matter now. I need to get to the bonfire." He said as he moved to pass her.
Her eyes followed him until he reached the middle of the room before turning her back on him, waiting for him to finally leave. Her heart was still pounding, just as it always had in his presence. Before she took a full step towards her bed, hands gripped her shoulders and for a split second, she feared that Josiah had come back. She snapped out of it quickly though as Sebastian turned her around roughly and mashed his mouth to hers.
His kiss was just as rough as it had been the night before and just as baffling. Despite her confusion and anger, she found herself kissing him back again. Together they stumbled into the dresser roughly and Sebastian took the opportunity to hook his hands under her thighs and lift her onto its surface. Her leg throbbed for a moment but she ignored it in favor of the feeling of his soft lips on hers. He tasted like mint and smelled like a campfire. His strong hands gripped her like he had the night before and he devoured her lips.
The excitement she felt in that moment was more potent than any emotion she had felt in almost an entire year. In his kiss she could feel the hatred, the love, the fear and uncertainty. She could feel all of these things at once and it made her feel as if her heart was about to burst through her chest and tumble to his feet. He pulled his lips from
hers and proceeded to trail his mouth down the side of her neck as his hands fumbled with her shirt. Pausing briefly, he lifted the black garment over her head and she let him. The only thing she could feel in the moment was desire. Desire to forget. Desire to just let herself have something.
His shirt came off next and before she knew it, he was picking her up again. Sebastian's heavy body slammed her into the mattress but they never broke apart. He trailed kisses down her bruised throat and down her swimsuit covered torso and his rough hands followed in their wake. He ground his hardness into her core and she shivered. Moaning, she raked her fingers down his back as he writhed against her. His breathing was shallow and rough, sweat beaded on his brow. Something deep, tingling and warm pooled in her stomach, making her crave more and more until she thought she might burst. Before she knew what was happening, he'd unbuttoned her jeans and began pulling them down. Her mind was so clouded with lust that she didn't quite grasp what was happening until she felt him go still beneath her.
