“Guilty?”
I let out another sigh, staring out at the lapping waves tinged golden by the sun’s dying light. “Yeah. I feel guilty.”
“Because you never planned to tell her?”
I tore my eyes away to look at Viper but found I couldn’t read his expression. “I’m not sure it would do any good to tell her something that could cause problems between us. Not when this is just…” I didn’t voice the rest of those thoughts, because he knew as well as I did that whatever this was between us was fleeting. It wasn’t anything serious…right?
“Uh huh.” Something in Viper’s tone sounded off.
“What? You think I should tell her?”
“I’d never tell you what to do, Angel.”
“But you think I should? Wait… Do you think I’m ashamed or something?”
Viper shrugged, a casual move, but his jaw was set a little firmer than usual, and he didn’t look my way. “Are you?”
“No. Of course not.” I shifted, angling my body toward his. “But you have to understand that telling my sister or my parents or even my friends about this would upend my life.”
“It would.”
“Right. And since you’ve made it clear this is only fucking, why would I risk my relationships? It’s not like I’m gonna date men exclusively after this ends.”
Surprise lit Viper’s features. “You’re not?”
“Well, no. I mean, I haven’t really thought about it. But I haven’t had a reaction to anyone the way I’ve had to you, so…” I shrugged and looked away, feeling heat creeping into my cheeks, and I wasn’t sure why.
We were silent for a long time, and though I wanted to ask what Viper was thinking, because it was obvious something was on his mind, I didn’t want to open my mouth and insert my foot again. Had something I said upset him? It wasn’t anything he wouldn’t have said to me, so I doubted his feelings were hurt by my honesty. Maybe I was overthinking things.
I shoved my cell into my shorts pocket and dropped my legs, mimicking Viper’s pose. With no one else around, we stared out at the water, listening to the sound of waves crashing. Had we ever just sat like this? Still and quiet, not saying a word?
The longer we sat there, the more the anxious thoughts about what Imogen had heard left me. My shoulders relaxed; I was content to have the stable force that was Viper sitting beside me.
“I was eight when I told my parents I was in love with one of the boys in my class.” His words came from out of nowhere, but it was clear he’d been thinking over what to say.
I smiled slightly. “You? In love?”
“Believe it or not, my heart wasn’t so black when I was a kid.”
“Who was he?”
“Hiroji Onaga. His family had moved from Japan at the start of the school year, and I guess I found him fuckin’ fascinating.”
“Enough to come out to your parents, huh?”
Viper’s lips twisted. “You wouldn’t think it’d be such a surprise. I was a flashy kid. Into music. Never into girls.”
“I would’ve liked to see a young, flashy Viper,” I said. “How’d they handle it?”
“Mom knew. She always knew.” A faraway look entered Viper’s eyes as he stared ahead.
“And your dad?”
“You could say that was the catalyst in a long, messy divorce.” When he saw the shock on my face, he lifted a shoulder. “He’d rather have no kid than a gay kid, and I’d rather have no dad than a homophobic asshole.”
“Shit, Viper. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not. I helped Mom pack his shit.”
“And you never had a relationship with him after that?”
“Never even heard from him again.” He glanced at me and shook his head. “Don’t look so sad, Angel. It happens. We’re better off.”
God, I couldn’t even imagine what that would be like. To show who you are to someone you love and to have them reject you in that way. Viper had only been a kid, and he hadn’t deserved a father who deserted him. No one deserved that.
“So I can understand why you wouldn’t wanna say anything,” Viper continued. “You said you’re tight with your family. I get it.”
I frowned, looking for what he was really saying. “But it bothers you? Tell me the truth.”
As I studied Viper’s profile, I found myself holding my breath. From the day I’d met him, I’d sought his approval, and I found myself wanting it now. If he was disappointed in me, would it change anything? And if he wasn’t affected, would that bother me more?
God, when had things become so complicated?
Twenty-Six
Viper
“VIPER?” HALO’S VOICE found me over the waves that lapped upon the sand and chased each other into the shore as I sat beside him looking out at the fading sunlight. When I’d come down here looking for him, I had one goal in mind: find the angel and convince him to come and spend an hour in the guesthouse before heading up to the mansion for dinner.
But instead, I’d stumbled on him mid-conversation with his sister—a sister he’d hidden me from—and now I found myself sitting on the sand staring out at the water ahead of us, hoping that he didn’t reach for me, because I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t jerk away.
Fuck. When had I let this get away from me? When had I started to…care this much?
“Hey,” Halo said, and I didn’t need to look his way to know he was staring at me. Probably wondering when I’d lost the ability to speak. “If I said something I shouldn’t—”
“You didn’t.” I finally made myself talk, and turned to look his way. “I just don’t have anything to really say about this. It’s not my decision to make.”
“Okaaay…” Halo said, the hurt at my blunt dismissal exactly what I’d been aiming for.
But when Halo bent his legs as if he was about to get up and leave me sitting there, which was exactly what I deserved, I reached out, put a hand on his leg, and said, “Shit. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Then why did you?”
I shrugged. “Because I’m an asshole.”
Halo said nothing as he searched my face—looking for what, I had no clue. But when he swallowed and raised his hand to put it over the top of mine where it rested on his thigh, I shook my head. “I’m not good at this, Angel. Fuck.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “I think it’s safe to say I’m horrible at it.”
“What’s that?”
“This,” I said, gesturing between us. “Talking.”
“I don’t know. You seem to have a pretty good handle on the English language.”
I rolled my eyes. “Smartass. You know what I mean. I’m not good at talking about my feelings. About opening up to others.”
Halo stretched his legs out in front of him again, and once he was settled back in place, he said, “Would it help to know you make me nervous as hell?”
When he angled his head and his eyes found mine, I did something I couldn’t remember ever doing. I tightened my fingers around his in a comforting move—but who I was trying to comfort was anyone’s guess.
“I make you nervous? Angel, you scare the fucking daylights out of me.” Halo’s eyes widened, and I chuckled. “Do you think I’m the kind of guy who usually sits on a beach at sunset holding hands and talking about my feelings?”
“Well, no.”
“Yet here I am,” I said, raising our joined hands, and Halo spread his fingers to interlace them with mine.
“And…?”
As I lowered our hands, I shrugged. “And I like it. I like you, Angel, or I wouldn’t be out here, trust me. But that doesn’t mean I have any idea what the hell I’m doing. You asked me if it bothers me that you aren’t going to tell your family about this…about us.”
Halo nodded and lowered his eyes to our hands, a frown marring his forehead. “Right.”
I knew I could take the easy way out here and lie, but instead I heard myself say, “It shouldn’t.”
Halo’s head snapped up. “But
it does?”
“It does.” I didn’t say more than that, but the shy smile that stretched across Halo’s lips let me know this small admission from me was what he’d been looking for.
Halo looked back out to the waves, and then leaned in to bump his shoulder against mine. “See, this is what I mean. I don’t understand why you pretend to be such a hard-ass. Why you don’t date. There are millions of guys who’d die to be sitting where I’m sitting tonight if they had the chance.”
I glanced at Halo’s striking profile, and when the wind ruffled the hair around his face, I said, “I don’t want a million guys. I want the one who’s already here.”
Halo turned to face me and leaned over until his lips were a whisper over the top of my own. “You’re so much better at this than you think.”
I highly doubted that. “Sure I am,” I said, but didn’t move. I didn’t let go of his hand either, finding that I enjoyed the feel of it in mine.
“You are,” Halo said, and brought his other hand up to hold my face as he traced his thumb over my lip. Then he lowered his hand and sat back, but kept our fingers locked.
“Teasin’ me, Angel?”
“No,” Halo said, shaking his head. “I just know if I kiss you now, I won’t stop.”
“And that’s supposed to deter me?”
Halo grinned. “No. But before I give you that, I want to know something.”
I was convinced Halo could’ve asked me for anything then as long as it got his mouth back over the top of mine. “And what’s that?”
“What ever happened to Hiroji?”
The question was so unexpected that a burst of laughter escaped me. “I have no idea. Why?”
Halo was laughing too, but then he sobered. “I don’t know. I was just wondering if he’s the only person you’ve ever loved.”
I eyed Halo for a beat and then dropped my gaze to our interlaced fingers. I ran my thumb over the back of his hand, and when I raised my eyes again, I told him something I’d never told anyone other than Killian and Trent: “There was someone else. A long time ago.”
When I paused, Halo shifted in closer to me but said nothing else, as if sensing what I was about to say needed to come from me willingly or it wouldn’t come at all.
I shoved my free hand through my hair and looked out to the lights twinkling across the water, finding this conversation easier if I wasn’t looking anyone in the eye. “His name was Owen, and we’d been dating on and off for a couple of years, until the last year, when things got serious.”
“Serious?” Halo said softly.
I didn’t turn toward him, knowing if did, I wouldn’t finish the story. I would kiss him, make him forget what it was he’d asked in the first place. But for the first time in a long time, I realized I wanted to tell this story. I wanted this beautiful man beside me, this man who’d ignited the same euphoric feelings I’d had as a twentysomething-year-old aspiring musician, to know who I was, to see me…the real me.
“We lived together. Shared this crappy little run-down apartment where the only heat in the place was from the oven if we left it on. We were wildly in love. The kind of blind, stupid love that makes you think you can live off a packet of ramen noodles the rest of your life, as long as you’re sharing it with that one person.” I brought my legs up until I could rest my arm over it, and took in a breath before continuing. “But I was a struggling musician and he was a struggling artist. Shit wasn’t easy, but it was something I didn’t think about because I was—” When I bit off the word happy, I wondered if Halo would push. But he merely sat there, patiently waiting for the next piece of the fucked-up puzzle I was trying to piece together for him.
“Owen came to every show, followed TBD across the country. He knew every secret I had, knew everyfuckingthing about me. And then one day an agent from MGA came to one of our shows in New York. He watched us play at one of the local dive bars, and the day after we got a call to come in for a meeting. To MG fucking A. We were so excited, Jesus. I mean, you get it.” I looked at him, and Halo nodded, but the smile on his lips was strained.
“I’d never been so fucking pumped about anything in my life. This was what Trent, Kill, and I had been waiting for. We’d been dreaming about this our whole damn life, and when we got in there and they started talking songs, albums, and tours, the shit you never think is going to happen to you, there was no hesitation from us. We signed those contracts in a fucking heartbeat. Our careers went from the bottom of the barrel to swimming with the big fish overnight. It was insane. But while my career took off, Owen continued to struggle.”
Halo’s expression softened, even as his eyes narrowed, and I made myself look away from him before I decided to just end things there.
“I don’t really remember much about the days before the story broke, or if I maybe missed something with Owen. But I do remember waking up to Killian on the phone telling me that there were photographs of me and Owen on Entertainment Daily.” I paused and cocked my head, looking at Halo. “Do you remember those?”
I wondered what Halo would say to that. If he was a true TBD fan he would know about those photos—and he’d also know that was the day I told everyone I was gay, and if they didn’t like it, they could go fuck themselves. But instead of turning the media off, it had ended up earning me my nickname. When he nodded, I smirked.
“Yeah, well, Owen had decided if I was going to make it big, then he would too. Who cares if it wasn’t due to any talent but by selling private fucking moments between us to the highest bidder? As long as he got his cut too, then it was fair, right?”
I ran a hand over my face, and when Halo said, “That’s so fucked up,” I nodded.
“I won’t ever let anyone have that kind of power over me again. Not ever. So now I make sure anyone I’m involved with knows the deal upfront. One of the hardest things about becoming the person you’re about to become”—I raised Halo’s hand to my mouth, pressed a kiss to the back of it, and closed my eyes—“is that you never know who is with you for the right reason and who you can trust. Millions of people out there are going to want you because of everything you can give them.”
Halo cupped my cheek with his other hand, and when I was looking him in the eye, he said, “That might be true. But I don’t want a million people. I just want the one who’s already here.”
As my words from earlier lingered between us, I opened my mouth to tell him I wasn’t what he wanted or needed. That I was, in fact, the exact opposite. But before I could get a word out, Halo leaned in and pressed his mouth to mine, and just as he’d said earlier, the second he kissed me, he didn’t stop—and the scary part about that was that I didn’t want him to.
Twenty-Seven
Viper
“THAT’S A WRAP.” Jared’s voice came through the headphones each of us had on in the sound booth, but when none of us reacted, the mic opened up again and he said, “Hey, guys? Did you hear me? That’s a wrap.” When he added two thumbs up, the five of us gathered around the mic and looked at each other as though someone had just pinched us all on the ass.
“Hell fuckin’ yes,” Killian said. “I can’t believe we’re done.”
I flashed a smile in Halo’s direction, who was standing between Killian and me with a megawatt grin on his face, and it was all I could do not to grab a handful of his shirt, haul him in, and kiss him.
It was Friday afternoon, and the only time we’d been able to find alone lately was at night after spending hours in the recording studio with the other guys, and while that would usually be enough to take the edge off for me, I found that with the angel, I always wanted more.
More time.
More attention.
More. More. More. Fuck.
Maybe getting back to New York would be a good thing. It would give a little space, bring me back to reality. We’d all busted our asses these past two weeks finishing up the background vocals for “Corruption,” “Dark Angel,” and “Invitation,” and it seemed our hard work had pa
id off. We were done, and I should’ve been over the fucking moon. Sure, there might be minor changes needed once we got back home, but for now we were free, and all I could think about was the fact that once I got back to New York, Halo wasn’t going to be in such close proximity to me.
Again…fuck. There was no reason I should be feeling this wave of disappointment that was washing over me, but there it was. We’d been in Miami for nearly two and a half months, and it had definitely lived up to the promise of paradise. There’d been sun, sex, booze, and music, and while I was pumped to be wrapping up an album that I knew was going to blow everyone’s mind, I couldn’t shake the less excited feelings too.
“Damn.” Jagger let out a low whistle. “We came in before deadline, too. That has to be some record.”
“No shit,” Slade said.
I glanced at the two of them. “If that doesn’t make Brian hard, I don’t know what will.”
“Uh, no offense, but the last thing I want to think about is Brian hard,” Killian said as he hung his headphones on the hook along the back wall. “I want to think about the serious celebrating that’s gonna happen tonight. We’re still going with tradition, right?”
“MGA’s yacht?” I said, thinking back to the other times we’d taken to the ocean after wrapping an album.
“Mhmm. What do you all say?” Killian asked, as the rest of the guys hung their headphones.
“As if anyone’s gonna say no to that,” Slade responded, and when we all turned to Halo, we found him still standing over by the mic, silent.
We all faced him and cocked our heads to the side.
“Aww, look, our little boy’s all grown up,” Jagger said. “Want us to take a photo of you by the mic to send to your mom?”
Halo blinked as though realizing Jagger was talking to him, then he chuckled and shot a finger in his direction.
VIPER (Fallen Angel Book 2) Page 13
