Well, I guess none of that mattered now. It looked like things were over between us. I did not know how to express it, and I had a feeling that neither did he, but we both must have known it was there.
“Lucien,” I said, my voice deceptively calm. “Good morning.”
He pursed his lips before giving me a gruff reply.
“It’s been a nice few days, I suppose, but you were right. You must be tired of having to deal with me and all my silly feelings.” My voice was no longer calm. It was tense and as fragile as glass. One wrong word and the entire facade would come crumbling down, revealing how torn up I was inside. “And quite frankly, I’m tired, too. I’m tired of being dismissed and ostracized. We won’t have to deal with each other anymore, at least not like we’ve been trying recently.”
“I see,” he said simply.
“Of course, I’ll call you when it’s time for the baby to come. I expect you’re still in for that, at least.”
Lucien scoffed, dismissing me yet again. He turned away. “Sure. Listen, don’t you have some big fancy bureaucratic-type stuff that needs your attention, Caleb?” he asked sarcastically.
I took in a deep breath. “As a matter of fact, I do, Lucien. The registry bill--it’s been doing very well so far. It’s garnered a lot of support. Do you know George Albright?”
He spun back around. “The mayor?”
I smiled, relishing in this one small victory over him. “The very same. You might not think very highly of me, but he does. The bill has his total support.”
“No way. I can’t believe you’re still even pushing this.”
“Believe it. It’s going to be law soon enough,” I replied.
“Still? Even after you’ve come back here?” he asks. “Don’t you care at all what might happen if this thing passes?”
“I know exactly what will happen, Lucien. The shifters in this country will finally get the message that they must behave in accordance with the law just like anyone else.” I took a step closer towards him. “They’ll know that they have to face the consequences of their actions whenever they do anything monstrous.”
To my surprise, Lucien threw his head back and laughed. “They? They, Caleb? You know you’re part of that ‘they’, right? You’re gonna be put on that registry, too.”
I gulped. “I know that.”
“And so is the baby. Have you thought about that, Caleb? The minute after that kid is born, someone’s gonna put him on a list. He’s gonna be watched his entire life. When he grows up and wonders why things got so bad for shifters, how are you gonna feel when he finds out it was your fault, Caleb? You ever stop to think that your baby is gonna be a wolf, too? And he might not want to hide that.”
His words knocked all the air out of me. I had not yet given much thought to how a registry would affect the baby. In fact, I’ve been trying not to think about the bill at all since I came back from campaigning and nearly got run out of the pack lands. What if my own child grew up to hate me for what I had done? Lucien had planted a seed of doubt within my mind, and I knew that it would continue to grow.
Or was he just trying to trip me up again?
Whatever. It did not matter. I straightened myself up and looked him in the eye as best I could. Lucien tried his usual tough-guy act, but I could see right through him. He hurt. “I am not stupid, Lucien. I know what I’m doing. Whatever this child grows up to be like, I’ll be ready to handle him.”
He smirked. “I’m just glad he’ll have one parent who doesn’t completely hate himself.”
I did not hate myself, I wanted to snap, and I was tired of people thinking that I did. Just because I was uncertain of who I was or where I was meant to be, it did not mean that I hated the parts of myself that I was certain of. It was difficult to make sense of the big picture when all the pieces weren’t there, but I was trying, wasn’t I?
“That’s enough, Lucien.” I picked up my bag, gripping the handle so tightly my fingernails dug into my palm. “There’s really no need for us to fight, you know.”
“I know,” he replied quietly.
“I wish things could have turned out differently, but things don’t always go the way we hope they will. I’m sure you understand that. I thought I knew you better, Lucien, but we must have both changed a lot throughout the years.” I moved towards the door, stopping just before I stepped out onto the porch steps. “I just can’t deal with an overbearing alpha like yourself. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. Goodbye, Lucien.”
I shut the door before he could follow, just as he had done to me. I was fairly certain that I heard him begin to protest just before the slamming cut him off, but even if he did, it did not matter anymore.
Standing on the porch, I took one last long look around the pack lands. It was quiet at this time of day; most older shifters were at work, and the children were all likely off at the pack school, which was right now being hosted at D’Marcus’ mother Augusta’s house. When we were kids, Lucien’s mother used to help run it, but she passed away sometime during my early years at the Hill. Briefly, I wondered what else I would miss now that I was leaving again, but quickly pushed that thought aside.
The road near the house seemed to stretch on forever, leading into someplace that felt completely and entirely unfamiliar. Though I knew exactly where I was headed, I could not shake the feeling that I was about to drive straight into the heart of loneliness.
The sounds of the forest surrounded me as I walked to my car. After coming back from yesterday’s drive, I had parked all the way at the end of the lane, as far away from Lucien’s home as I felt safe doing. Birds sang in the distance, lively songs that I thought were reserved only for spring. The forest had long been losing its lush greenery. Shriveled leaves were turning various shades of yellow and red before they fell to the earth, leaving the trees bare. Fall had come late this year, or perhaps I had been so lost in my happy little fantasy with Lucien that I did not notice summer had begun to die.
I could hear only the singing, the sound of my footsteps crunching over dry leaves and small twigs, and the roar of a saw somewhere far back. I remembered Lucien telling me that he worked in construction sometimes, building homes and fixing the various structures that kept the pack going. I imagined him hoisting sacks of cement over his shoulder, sawing wood, working hard. He had always been such a hard worker, so dedicated to everything he did, and always thinking about the needs of others before his own.
I got in my car and sat behind the wheel for a moment, listening to the sound of the motor running. The image of Lucien as a younger man came to mind. I thought of us running around the ranch together, herding cows and holding hands whenever we thought his cousin and his uncle Erik couldn’t see us. I had always been the one with the reputation for being soft, but I could never match the kind of tenderness Lucien showed whenever the two of us took care of an injured animal.
That was the Lucien I knew and loved. Not the overbearing, macho alpha that he was trying to be last night. Not the jerk who was trying to control me like I was too foolish to make my own decisions.
But time had a funny way of changing people. I was not the same person I was when we first fell in love as young shifters, and neither was he. There was no doubt in my mind that Lucien would make a wonderful father, but he could not be my mate.
So I drove away, leaving the Thunderstone pack lands in the dust. I briefly looked into the rear-view mirror and watched as Lucien’s home became smaller and smaller until it could no longer be seen. My heart felt heavy, like a lead weight within my chest. There was no turning back now.
The silence became overbearing as I left Thunderstone. I remembered the troubling messages Sarein had sent me and reached for the Bluetooth headset I kept in the glove compartment. As I dialed his number, I tried not to expect the worst.
“Hello?” His voice came out groggy and slow. I almost did not recognize him.
I was suddenly at a loss for what to say. Sarein didn’t sound dr
unk, just…miserable.
“Hello? Who’s there?” he asked.
“Sarein, it’s me, Caleb,” I finally spoke.
“Oh, Caleb… It’s good to hear from you again.” There was a pause in between his words that went on uncomfortably long. “How have you been?”
“Me? I’ve been--” I had to stop to take in a deep breath. “I’ve been hanging in there. I had some personal matters I had to deal with before I came back home, but that’s all over and done now. I’m actually headed back to DC as we speak.”
“I’m glad to hear it. You know, I was starting to get worried about you, Caleb. You’ve been in Lillington longer than I thought you’d be. I started to worry that you were thinking about staying longer.”
I gave an awkward chuckle, suddenly remembering Lucien’s story about the mugger with the silver bullets. “I think I’ve done a pretty good job of staying out of trouble so far, Sarein.”
He laughed too, but there was no humor behind it. “That’s not what I meant, Caleb.”
The bite in his voice took me by surprise. I sat speechless, waiting for him to explain.
“I thought you might have gone back to your pack, that you were done with the rest of us and the bill,” he explained. “I was worried that maybe you finally had enough of the outside world and went back to your old ways. It wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened to someone I know.”
I felt horribly tense as I drove into town, thinking these words over. Had he expected me to go back to the pack all along?
“Caleb?” he asked. “You still there?”
“Yes, I’m here, Sarein,” I replied. “And I’m not going anywhere. I just went to see some old friends and take care of some unfinished business. That’s all.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it. This place just isn’t the same without you around. We’d all be so much worse off without your keen insight and intelligence here on the Hill. It’s good that you’ve figured out where you really belong,” said Sarein calmly.
“I never said anything like that,” I blurted out. “I mean, yes--I like it there on the Hill. I like my job. But there’s so much more to me than that, Sarein.”
“Of course,” he said simply.
His words were making my head swim. I was starting to feel dizzy. Thankfully, I was nearing a stop. “Tell me how you’ve been, Sarein.”
“Fine,” he said quickly. “Just fine.”
“Really? Because you’ve left me a lot of messages. Have you been drinking, Sarein?” I asked, hoping to shift the conversation away from me.
“Yes. A few times,” he admitted. “I don’t have a problem, Caleb.”
“I didn’t imply that you did.”
“I was just stressed out. I needed to calm down somehow.”
“You work awfully hard,” I offered.
“I work harder than anyone! And nobody ever gives me the credit I deserve!” he shouted, making me wince and pull out the headset from my ear. By the time I tried to apologize, he had already hung up.
Great. Everyone was being impossible today. I couldn’t wait to get home and bury myself in my work again.
14
Lucien
“Zan?” I asked into my phone. “Are you busy right now?”
“Nah,” he replied. “I just got off of work.”
“Do…” It wasn’t easy to ask for help. “Do you think we could meet up soon? I kind of need somebody to talk to about some stuff.”
“Of course. I’m here for you any time, Luce,” he said, his voice taking a worried tone. “I’m actually headed down to the bar right now if you want to join me.”
“Okay. I’ll be there in a minute,” I said. “Thanks, Zan.”
As soon as I hung up, I let my phone fall out of my hand and land with a light thud onto the bison hide. I had been sitting in my recliner all day, and I was desperate to get out of the house. “Punk!” I called. “I’m going out.”
My cat appeared in the doorway of the den, looking at me briefly before turning back to whatever feline activities she was busy with. She was good company, but I needed to be around actual people. I made sure to put some extra wet food in her bowl before I left.
It wasn’t like me to miss any work, but I hadn’t had it in me to go to the latest construction site today. The site of all these shifters in their work gear headed towards the bar made me feel a pang of guilt.
The door of The Snared Hare swung open, letting the muffled notes of some country song out into the evening air. I stood in front of the bar with my hands in my pockets, contemplating whether or not to go in. I was eager to unwind and forget about everything that had been happening, but the last time I was here, Caleb’s bill made the news--and as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t dissociate that memory from this place. Just thinking about it made my stomach sour.
Still, I was lonely. I needed to talk to someone, even if just to get my mind off things. That, and I sure as hell needed a drink.
I opened the door and stepped inside, looking for any familiar faces.
“Hey, Luce!” I heard a voice call from across the bar.
I looked and saw D’Marcus and Zan sitting at a table at the far corner of the room. Zan waved me over and I followed, relieved to know some friends were here. There was so much I wanted to talk to them about, but it was probably best to hold back for a bit.
“Long time no see, cousin,” said D’Marcus as he set down a tall glass of some dark beer on the table.
I pulled out a chair and sat. My entire body felt heavy with exhaustion, though I hadn’t done much but mope around all day. “Good to see you guys.”
“We were just talking about you, Luce,” said Zan with a sly grin.
“Oh, you were, were you?” I asked, giving him back the same half-smile. “Good things, I hope?”
“Have you ever given this pack a reason to complain?” Zan chuckled lightly. “Seriously, you’re like the golden son of this place.”
“Well, thanks. Unfortunately, I’m really starting to doubt that I’m as great as everyone says I am,” I replied. “Far from it, actually.”
D’Marcus put his beer down mid-sip. “This is about Haust, isn’t it?”
There was no beating around the bush with my sharp old cousin. I didn’t even have to say anything else. He could read people like a book.
“So, you broke up, huh? I had a feeling this was coming, Lucien,” he said.
“Yeah. He didn’t want to stay here. It was probably for the best, anyway. Caleb’s not exactly popular around these parts.”
“And for good reason,” D’Marcus went on. “That kind of thing he was planning could have gotten us all in a whole lot of trouble.”
Zan signaled Johnny, the bar’s single busboy, for another round of beers. I was more than a little glad when the drinks arrived. I needed a full swig of pale ale before I told these two the bad news. “He’s uh… Caleb’s still pushing that bill.”
D’Marcus leaned in across the table. “You’re kidding, right?”
I shook my head. “I wish I was. I tried to talk him out of it a bunch of times, but I could never seem to get through to him. If I couldn’t get him to quit that kind of nonsense, what does that say about me?”
“One wayward shifter doesn’t say a single thing about you, Lucien. You can’t expect everyone to be sensible or even give a damn about the rest of us,” Zan offered. “You do well with pretty much everyone else. Focus on that.”
“I appreciate it, Zan, but there’s…more to it than that,” I said hesitantly.
“What is it?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
I bit my lip. This would not be easy. I knew how Zan felt about me, about how he always wanted me to claim him as my mate and omega. Telling him about the baby would shatter that hope forever.
“Well?” D’Marcus pressed. “Out with it, Luce.”
“He’s pregnant,” I said.
They were silent. Zan looked away pressing his knuckles to his mouth while D’Marcus stared
at me. There was no judgement on their faces, no anger or outrage. Only shock.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you guys,” I tried to explain weakly. “But it’s been a lot to deal with.”
“And you’re sure it’s yours?” Zan asked quietly.
“Yes. I’m positive.”
“That’s quite the bomb to drop on us, Lucien,” said D’Marcus.
“I know. I should have said something sooner.” My shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry.”
D’Marcus cleared his throat. “I think I understand a little better now. That bill he’s passing, it’s not just us it’s gonna hurt. It’s going to hurt your kid, and all the shifter kids here and everywhere else in this country. It should be obvious to anyone how this registry law could…hurt them.”
“It should be obvious,” I agreed. “But it isn’t. At least, not to the one person with the power to stop it.”
“What’s his problem, anyway? Caleb was always such a smart kid from what I remember. You’d think he’d have a better understanding of things than this.” Zan pushed away his glass, still up to the top with beer. He seemed genuinely upset, and truly, he had plenty of reasons to be. “I just don’t get it.”
“I think I do.”
Zan and I turned to D’Marcus. He finished off the rest of his beer before pushing the empty glass away and folding his hands together. “This isn’t an easy world for our kind. I don’t think I have to remind you two about that.”
“No. You don’t,” I agreed.
“Humans think they got us all figured out. Some of them think we’re all just a bunch of rabid animals, and that our human skins are all just a trick to get close to all the poor, unsuspecting people before we attack. Others feel sorry for us. They think we’re sad freaks of nature, nearly human except for the curse that turns us all into monsters whenever the first night of the full moon rolls around. Either way, they don’t see the real us,” he explained. “And, for the most part, I think many of them don’t want to.”
Loving Paws Page 9
