Broken

by Teigen Harper

  “Love you, Hayley.”

  My hand is resting on the doorknob, my head hanging, “I love you, too, Lucas.” And I left.

  Logan

  My head is wracked with guilt and hatred towards myself. Why does she still love me? She should be screaming at me, hitting me, and showing me how much she hates me, but she hasn’t done any of those things, and I deserve them. I know I do. I'm a pathetic piece of shit. I can’t even bring myself to be close to her because I may have branded her for life. Never would I be able to forgive myself if I have.

  I don’t deserve her love.

  While I'm downstairs lifting weights, I hear the door to the gym open, and I don’t look up, I can’t.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking cock sucker?” Lucas is raging.

  I drop the bar and turn to face him. “What are you talking about?”

  “What the hell? You’ve been treating Hayley like shit for days. She packed a bag and got in her car, you cumwad. She said you can only call her if you sort out whatever it is that’s making you be such a dick to her, and either apologize or tell her to move out. But I don't think she's coming back, ever!” Shit, my chest tightens, my breathing shallow, I can’t have her leave. That will kill me. “She doesn’t even think you love her anymore?”

  My head drops, I’m such a fucking dick. “How the hell could she think that I don’t love her?” I ask in disbelief. I know I’ve been distant, but I still love her with all I have.

  “Because you've treated her like she doesn’t fucking matter anymore! I’ve seen it with my own eyes, you've been cold and an asshole to her. She compared your actions over the last few days to her father’s, and I agree with her. I don’t think Henry has been as awful to her as you have.” He’s pissed.

  “Where did she go?” I feel ill. I need to get her back here, where she belongs. I need to apologize and prove my love for her.

  “I don’t fucking know! Fucking fix it asshole. You will beat and destroy any fuck head that looks at her the wrong way, but it’s you that has made her feel like she doesn’t deserve to exist. She said that she gets that you’re feeling guilty, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that the man she loves won’t even hold her fucking hand. It’s not just you that’s affected here, she is too, you stupid cumwad. Fuck, I don’t even want to fucking talk or look at you. Hayley saved our whole family, she always puts you first, and this is how you repay her? Fuck that.” He begins to walk away but abruptly, he stops. “Don’t bother fucking talking to me until you’ve sorted your shit out!” This time, he does leave.

  Hayley

  Exhausted, I end up back at Abby’s house. She was out, but she had arraigned for security to let me in. The minute I’m in her bedroom, I throw my bag on her bed and head straight for the downstairs bar needing to lose myself in a bottle of booze or several bottles.

  Four shots in, my phone beeps. I pull it out of my back jeans pocket and look at the screen.

  Logan: I’m such a dick.

  I ignore it. If he thinks he can get me back with a simple text, then he's in for a shock. Until a couple of days ago, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Never, in my wildest of dreams could I have imagined he would treat me the way he has. Even if he is feeling guilty, it's no excuse. I wanted to take him in my arms and show him that no matter what the outcome was, I would still love him unconditionally, but before I had that chance, he pushed me away.

  It's such a frustrating and heart-wrenching situation to be in. It took only a few seconds for him to go from loving me to pushing me out of his life, and his embrace.

  Why does everyone I love, walk away from me?

  Maybe I am the problem?

  If he truly loves me, he’s going to have to prove it.

  Logan: I’m sorry.

  It still isn’t enough. Here is a man that told me he loved me, he placed an engagement ring on my finger, and asked me to marry him. Yet when he’s faced with an obstacle, he caves in unable to cope. Life isn't a breeze, shit happens. How will he act when the shit hits the fan down the track? Is he going to push me and our future children away because he can't cope?

  Logan: Please answer.

  My frustration and rage are bubbling to the surface. I wish he was here so I can scream at him. Picking up my phone, I message him back.

  Me: No, it's not good enough. The first real contact I have with you in days is through a text? I was by your side and you chose to ignore me. You won’t even hold my fucking hand. You came to bed and rolled away from me. I didn’t put us in this situation, you did, and I'm so fucking stupid because I still love you. I can’t do this up and down crap, Logan. I’m done with this. I'm done with us. You don’t love me the way I love you. I know that now. Don’t you think I get enough of this kind of bullshit from my father? I don’t need it from the man I thought loved me. Is this what happens? Something gets in the way, and you give up?

  Logan: I know, I need to work on it. I don’t want you to be gone, I want you here, with me.

  Me: You want me there because Lucas is pissed at you. You want me there so you can feel better about yourself. Why did you bother giving me that ring? I don’t get you. I don’t get how you could treat someone you say you love like they're a stranger.

  Logan: No, I want you here, and I do love you.

  Me: Not going to happen, right now. I need to think, and I would appreciate it if you don’t contact me until I’m ready to talk. That is how far you have pushed me away.

  Immediately, I block his number from my phone.

  THE SHOTS WENT DOWN a treat, and it was the very thing I needed to numb the hurt in my heart. When I was drunk enough, I lay down on the bed and began to sob. I was alone, I was utterly alone, again. I should have listened to my dad. He told me Logan would never love me the way I deserved to be loved. What the fuck happened to us? For months, we were blissfully happy, but now, there is always something getting in the way, and he lets whatever situation is thrown at us, tear us apart.

  LATER THAT AFTERNOON, while coming out of my drunken haze, my phone rings. Reluctantly, I pick it up and see that it’s Stef who’s trying to call me.

  “What an asshole,” were the very first words she said to me.

  “Yep.”

  “I booked the red-eye. I’ll be there in the next hour and a half. Would it be okay if Lucas and I came and saw you?”

  “You don’t have to do that, Stef.” My tears begin to flow.

  “Yes, I do. I consider you my sister, Hayley. Text me Abby’s address, and we'll be there in a couple of hours.”

  “Thanks, Stef,” I whisper and proceed to send her the information she requested.

  Logan

  I try calling her again, but I’m blocked. Never would I have thought she would block me again. Frustrated, I throw myself on the bed and scream.

  “You’re a fucking dick!” My sister yells.

  “Yeah, I got the memo, Stef.” I don’t bother shifting my gaze. Stef is the best sister a guy could have, but she’s brutal when I fuck up, and I shouldn't be surprised that she's here.

  Suddenly, she grabs a fistful of my hair, using it to pull me upwards. It hurts so goddamn much that I have to go with it. “You’re a fucking prick.”

  I try my hardest to get her off me, but she has one hell of a grip. “I fucking know I am. She’s everything to me, and I fucked it all up. I fucked it up because I don’t deserve her, Stef.”

  She still has my hair in her hands, “You're right! You don’t deserve her, but she loves you. Fuck knows why. Right now, she’s alone, she’s alone and waiting for test results, ones that she had to get because she loves you! Because she was never a skank that slept around. Because the man she loves was a fucking whore before he met her! Logan,” my eyes met hers, “I’ve never been this angry and this disappointed in you. You pushed the one person away that would give up their life for you. The one person that would be there for you, no matter what the situation.” Stef let’s go of my hair, and I
slump back on the bed. “I’ll bet she didn’t even get mad when she found out about that skanks diagnosis, did she?”

  Slowly, my head shakes from side to side. “No. No, she didn’t. She told me we’d be okay, and I pushed her away. I didn’t want to deal with the, what if.” I didn’t. It was me that put us in this situation, not Hayley.

  “Right now, you’re no better than Celeste. I’m going to go and see Hayley and try to stop her from imploding. Pull your fucking head in brother.” Suddenly, she turns on her heels and leaves the room.

  Hayley

  While drinking myself into a coma, Stef shows up at Abby’s house. Opening the front door, I’m surprised to see that Lucas is by her side, but seeing him makes my eyes well with tears and they begin to fall down my cheek.

  He comes forward and takes me in his embrace. “I’m sorry, Hayley.”

  Why is he apologizing? Lucas has done nothing but support me. Exhausted, I tuck my head under his chin. “You did nothing wrong.” The tears continue to fall. “Come on, let’s go inside,” he soothes and walks with me into the house.

  We moved through to the living room where Lucas lets go of me because Stef pulls at my arm until I lay on the sofa, my head in her lap.

  “I’m sorry my brother’s an asshole,” she says as she runs a hand down my hair.

  I take a calming breath, “I just don’t understand.” I don’t, I've tried desperately to hunt for answers, but I've come up with jack shit.

  “Because he's a coward,” Stef says, a matter of fact. But she adds, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending his actions, but he’s panicked. He doesn’t think he deserves your love. He doesn’t understand why you weren’t mad at him and went off on his ass."

  I wrap my hand around her calf, forcing my eyes open, and when I do, I see that Lucas is focused on me. “What’s the point in screaming? No matter what happens, I'll always love him. No matter what the results, I will still love him, but I won’t let him treat me like I don’t matter. Even I know I deserve better than that.”

  Lucas leans forward, his hands joined, his elbows resting on his knees. “You do deserve better. Logan’s being a huge dick, but I do know that he loves you. He loves you in a way I never thought he’d be capable of, but he can’t get his mind around the fact that you would stay with him, even after all of this. It’s like Stef said, I don't agree with his actions, but I do know that he’s beating himself up over everything that's happened. He’s in self-destruct mode, that’s why he’s being such a fucktard.” Just then, his phone beeps.

  When he checks the screen, I know who it is, just by the reaction on his face. “What does he want?” Do I really want to know? Who the fuck am I kidding? Of course, I want to know.

  “He’s asking if you’re okay. What do you want me to say?”

  I shrug my shoulder. “Whatever you want.”

  As he taps out a message, Stef asks if I’m okay. I shift in her lap so I’m looking up at her. “I want him to stop shutting me out. What’s the point of being in a relationship if one of us walks away when something happens?”

  She smiles down at me.

  “That’s what I told him before I came here.”

  “Hayley?” Lucas says, so I turn to face him, and as I do, he comes towards us handing me his phone.

  Logan: Tell her I love her.

  I stare at the screen, unsure if I should respond. "What do I do?" I ask the others.

  "Whatever you feel is right," Stef whispers.

  Me: You wouldn’t know it with how shitty you have treated me over the last couple of days.

  Logan: Hayley?

  Me: Yes, it’s me.

  Logan: Baby, come home, please. Please, come home.

  Me: Why?

  Logan: Because I’m an asshole that loves you. I’m an asshole that needs you. I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick. I’m sorry I shut you out. Guilt consumes me. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you. And I’m sorry that because of me, we’re in this mess.

  Clueless as to what I should do, I hand Stef the phone. “What do you think?” I ask.

  She reads through the messages, then stares down at me. “He sounds genuine. It’s your call in the end.” She hands back the phone, and I stare at it at length.

  Me: I don’t know what to do.

  Logan: Come home, please?

  Me: What would change? You'll continue to feel guilty and stay away from me, we both know it.

  Logan: I swear, no more hiding. No more shutting you out when things get too hard.

  Me: You’ve told me that before and, look at where we are. You have said those exact words to me before, and here I sit without you because you wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. I was treated like I was a stranger to you. I was the person you least wanted to see and deal with. I needed your love and comfort, but instead, you showed me just how selfish you can be.

  Logan: I know. I fucked up, big time. Let me show you how much you do mean to me. Please?

  Me: Fine, I’ll come home, but don’t expect me to be all happy families. I’m still so fucking mad at you.

  Logan: Thank god. Just let me prove to you that I love you because I do. I love you so goddamn much.

  I don’t respond to his message. “I guess I’m going home,” I sigh.

  “Do you want to?” Lucas asks as I begin to sit up.

  As I hand him his phone, I tell him, “Honestly? I don’t know.” I straighten, but I rest my head on Stef’s shoulder. “I should go and hash it out with him. There will be a lot of yelling on my part, so be prepared.”

  Lucas chuckles and Stef joins in. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, but I think my brother here,” she points to Lucas, “should go to dinner with me and we’ll give you two some privacy.”

  My back straightens until I’m holding my head up. I’m utterly exhausted. My poor body feels like it’s been beaten down. “You guys don’t have to do that.”

  Lucas stands before responding. “Nope, I’m with her on this one. You don’t need us butting in.”

  ONCE I’D GATHERED UP my things and messaged Abb’s telling her that I was going to go and yell at Logan, we left. While on the drive home, my phone began to ring. When I see who it is that is on the other end of that call, my stomach turns. “Who is it, Hayley?” Stef asks.

  I take a deep, calming breath, “It’s the doctor’s office.”

  She reaches over the console and places her hand on my forearm as I press accept and place the call on speaker, “Doctor, Desmond?” I ask.

  “Yes, is that you, Hayley?”

  “It is. Do you have the results?” My chest tightens, my breathing now shallow as I wait to receive potentially, life-changing news.

  “It’s okay, Hayley. Your results are negative. You don’t have gonorrhea.”

  My head drops with relief, and I feel as if I can breathe for the first time in days. “Thank you, Doctor Desmond. What about Logan’s results, are they in?” I need to know.

  “I’m sorry, I cannot give you his results under patient confidentiality.”

  “I understand. Thank you, anyway.”

  “Not a problem. Good day, Hayley.”

  “Goodbye, Doctor Desmond.” I hang up the phone.

  “Well, that’s a relief,” Lucas says as he comes forward and gently squeezes my shoulder.

  “Yup, but now all I want to know is if Logan has the all-clear.” God, I hope he is. Let’s face it, I won’t leave him if he does have it, but he has to treat me with some respect. I love him more than anything else in this godforsaken world. I will put my health at risk to be with him, but only if he treats me as his equal.

  When we turn into the driveway and Stef has pulled the car to a stop, she turns in her seat to face me. “Now, you call me if you need me.”

  “I promise you I will.”

  When the others have driven off, and before I open the front door, I suck in a deep breath and let it go. When I turn the handle and enter the house, I don’t see or
hear Logan, and I don’t plan on chasing him down. He knew I was coming back, and I expected him to be waiting. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

  Without thinking, I head up the stairs to Logan’s bedroom, to find he isn’t there either. Dropping my overnight bag on the floor, I make my way through to the bathroom where I proceed to strip off and hop into the shower.

  Logan

  She’s coming home. That’s all that matters. While waiting for her, the doctor called and gave me the all-clear, and rather than be happy and celebrating I was pissed off. I’d put Hayley through hell for absolutely fucking nothing. I had no idea how I could make it up to her. What do you do for someone when you’re trying to say, ‘Sorry about the gonorrhea scare, and for me being a dick about the gonorrhea scare?’

  When I make my way back upstairs from the gym, I hear the water running, so I race to our room. I take a quick look around and see her overnight bag on the floor by the door. She's home.

  Needing to have her close, I race over to the bathroom, and rest my butt against the sink, and watch her. Of course, I want to open the shower door and climb in, but I don’t know if I’d be welcome.

  While watching her, I can see that she’s sad, and it’s killing me knowing that it was me that did that to her. I made her miserable. Me, not some random asshole. Me, the one that’s meant to love and protect her.

  It doesn’t take her long to notice me. “You just come up from the gym?” she asks flatly, and I nod. A moment later she let’s go of a sigh, “Get in then.”

  “You sure?” I won't get in if she doesn’t want me to, and if she’s only telling me to get in because she feels bad for me. I’m the one that has to fix this. I’m the one that needs to put all of the jumbled puzzle pieces back together. I did this, I made this mess, not her.

  “Get in,” she repeats and then opens the glass door.

  I strip off my clothing, step into the shower, and close the door behind me, unsure of what I should do next.