by Maya Daniels
“It’s okay, sister, we all need to take care of business from time to time, especially when there’s a lack of time for any type of relationship.” Jezzinta is trying to make me feel better, but it’s not working. I can’t tell them right now. I need time to think, so I change the subject.
“Yeah, a long time. Anyway, I’d like to know what our plan is, and I could kill for a cup of coffee.” Walking to the pot, I try not to look at them.
“Well, we’ll be staying here for a while since it’s the safest place for us while we wait for the full moon,” says Remi.
Jezzinta continues, “We need to do a ritual, well, you need to do it, anyway. It’s the only way to find out where and how to find the potions. We need to call on Sin, or Nanna, however you wish to call him, the god of the sun. He’ll tell you what we should do next, since he’s the one that helped Inanna hide them through the web.”
“What, she can’t ask him? He’s her father, after all.” I’m suspicious. They look too mellow, both of them. “What are you not telling me?”
“Calm down, we’re not here to do anything to you. We’re here to help, remember?” I can tell Remi is annoyed with me, but I don’t understand why.
“I didn’t say you were trying to do anything. My question was ‘what are you not telling me?’ I can see it in both of you. I don’t need to know you for years to know what you’re thinking. I can feel your energy, and energy never lies.”
“I can see you weren’t joking.” Jezzinta says to Remi like I haven’t spoken. ”The gifts are manifesting very fast,”
“Yes, mother said they would, but she wasn’t sure how fast,” answers Remi.
“Do you think maybe we should test them, see which are manifesting
first so we know what to do?” They talk like I’m not even there, and I want to throw my cup at them.
“I’m standing right here! You can see me, right?” I ask a little louder than I should’ve. They both look at me again.
“Are you okay, sister? I thought that shower did you some good, but you look like you’re ready to sacrifice a virgin,” Jezzinta says, and I can see she’s worried.
“I’m fine. I just don’t like it when I have no control over my life, and lately, I have none.” I say that out loud, but in my head, I remind myself I have no control of my body, either.
“There is something else you’re not telling us,” says Remi. I look at her with raised eyebrows.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. I guess you’ll tell us when you’re ready. I need to remember you’re a grown woman.” She shakes her head.
This is getting us nowhere, so I prod. “You were telling me about the ritual. What kind of ritual is it?”
“Come on, let’s look through Margaret’s Book of Shadows, and we’ll see what we need for it. I might need to drive to town to get few things if there aren’t any on the shelves.”
Jezzinta jumps up and walks out of the kitchen where we’re all sitting. I follow and after a few seconds, with a heavy sigh, so does Remi. Looking at the book, I can’t keep my awe hidden, even if I try. It looks almost identical to the one she had while I was growing up, but with a slight difference. The weight of the book is different. This one is much heavier, and the energy I feel from it almost brings me to my knees. The leather cover is much softer and I can’t tell what it’s made of. There’s a beautiful stamped tree of life in the middle of it and scrolls with vines framing it make up the rest of the cover. Under the tree is the symbol of the triple Goddess with a golden tint, and it shimmers as you move it. Two leather straps come out of the binding to be twisted around it and tied up when you’re done using it. I have a feeling this one is much older than the one I’ve seen her use. Even the pages feel and look like they are made of some unearthly fiber. It looks like paper but feels like velvet under my fingers and almost like it’s a living thing, not a page from a book. It simply looks and feels magical. I relax a little while we flip through the aged pages of my grandmother’s book. I’m happy it’s here, even if I don’t understand how that’s possible. It was in her house that awful night, and I didn’t even think of taking it, I just ran. Tears prick my eyes as I gently flip page after page, looking at her writing.
“I miss you so much, nanna.” I whisper to the book like she would hear me, and the pages feel warmer in my hands. I would’ve thought it was my imagination, but after everything that happened, I’m not so sure anymore.
“Jezz, you knew my grandmother, correct?” I’m not taking my eyes of the pages.
“Yes, I’ve known her my whole life. Why?” I hear her ask from behind me, where she’s inspecting shelves full of herbs and jars of liquids in an array of colors.
“Do you think she was capable of somehow linking her Book of Shadows with her essence?”
“What makes you ask that?” says Remi and I realize both of them have come to stand next to the altar in the room where the book was.
“I just spoke to my grandmother, and I could’ve sworn the pages got warmer to touch at my words.”
Jezzinta reaches for the book, places her hand on it and Remi does the same. “Talk again,” says Remi. I feel like an idiot, but what the hell, at least I’ll know.
“I wish you were here, nanna, I miss you.” I say it and one treacherous tear slides down my cheek.
“Holy fuck, you’re right!” exclaims Jezzinta. She’s excited, but her smile fades when she looks at me. “It’s okay, Alexia, you need a good cry. I’d bet my life you haven’t done that since that night.”
“I don’t need to cry. I’m not a weakling, you know.” I wipe my cheek with my shoulder. I don’t want to let go of the book.
“Crying doesn’t make you weak, Alexia, it’s a sign of strength,” Remi says quietly. I look at her and her eyes are shining with unshed tears.
“Crying only tells you that you’ve been strong for way too long, sap.”Jezzinta smiles sadly at me and leans her head on my shoulder. Remi follows on the other side, and I sit there with the book in my hands when, like a dam has been opened, tears start streaming like rivers down my face and neck, soaking my shirt. I cry for my grandmother, for not being brave to help her, for shying away from what she was trying to teach me, for not standing up for myself when I should’ve, but mostly, I think, I cry for myself. Me that died and I buried. No one ever shed a tear for that Alexia. I clutch the book to my chest while anguished sobs are wrenched from what feels like the bottom of my soul and my sisters clutch me against their chests on both sides, crying with me. I don’t know how long we sat there crying, but eventually the tears stopped. Only our combined shaken breaths can be heard in the quiet of the room. Remi and Jezzinta straighten up.
“We witness your pain, sister, we see you,” they say at the same time, and placing their palms together, they lift their hands to their foreheads and bow. I follow, bowing to them both.
“Thank you.” My voice comes out half whisper, half sob. “I hope you don’t think I’m a poor excuse for a vessel. I don’t do this often, this crying business.” I smile at them, trying to lighten the mood. I really do feel much better.
“There must be those among whom we can weep and still be seen as warriors. That is why we are sisters,” says Remi, and Jezzinta hums her agreement.
“So it’s true, then. The book is connected. Right?” I look at them hopefully. I’ll take anything, even a book, as long as I know it’s connected to my grandmother.
“We need to check what exactly is going on, but the book definitely reacts to your words. If it’s not connected to her, it’s definitely connected to you,” says Jezzinta, and my heart sinks.
“Well, can we find out?”
“There must be something written about it in it. We just need to find it.” Remi tries to take the book but I’m not ready to let go of it yet, so I hold on. “I need to see the book, Alexia, or we won’t know. I’ll give it back,” she says.
I can see she understands. She’s not making fun of me. I let her take it
and we huddle together while she flips the pages. There are all sorts of spells ranging from protection to banishing, summoning, astral travel and projections. I remember doing some while growing up. After a while I start getting bored, so while they’re flipping through it and talking to each other, I start playing with the water in the glass Remi brought with her. I always do that when I’m alone, manipulate it and make shapes and bubbles. It’s like meditation, it calms me down. Slowly I move my index finger up and in circular motions, and the water rises and twists like a rope from the glass. I make it first into a sphere, then a rose that I make turn in circles, and at the end, into a heart. That reminds me of a heart-shaped tattoo and I lose my concentration. The water drops into the glass that’s next to my knees and it splashes the pages of the open book in Remi’s lap.
“Wow! What are you, five?” says Remi and I think she would’ve pulled my ear if I really was five, judging by the way she’s looking at me. Before I say sorry, Jezzinta stops me with her next words.
“So that’s how she hid it!! Smart woman!”
She grabs the book from Remi and leans towards the glass in front of me. She takes water with her fingertips and flicks it on the page. Nothing happens.
“What are you doing, Jez, you’ll mess up the ink!” I snatch it from her, but she doesn’t care. She’s thinking, and I can see the wheels turning in her head.
“You do it again,” she says, like I haven’t spoken.
“Do what exactly?” I’m confused.
“Flick water on the page. She knew you were a water elemental, so she made sure only you can see what’s hidden on those pages. I’m sure of it,” Jezzinta says, grinning from ear to ear.
“Do what she says. I saw it too,” says Remi. “When you manipulate water, you do it with your own essence and that connects the essence of the water to your blueprint. That’s why only you can make it visible. Margaret was too smart for her own good. Do it, Alexia!”
She sounds like she is much older than me, and as much as I want to tell her to shut up, those eyes make me obey. I need to ask these two how old they are. They look to be around my age, but the things they say are hinting at much older, like maybe a couple of lifetimes older.
“Do it, sap! If nothing happens, we might try fire next, since you’re a fire elemental, too,” says Jezzinta and I hug the book closer to my chest.
“Are you mad? No fire goes near this book. What is the matter with you?”
“I didn’t say burn it. I said manipulate fire to see if that’s the key.”
She looks like I insulted her, so I don’t comment anymore. I open the book and take a deep breath. While I’m concentrating on the water, I keep repeating in my head, please work, please work. I really don’t want fire anywhere near the book. The water lifts up, and I let it drop back in the glass while holding the open book next to it. As the drops splash on the page, words show up in my grandmother’s native tongue. I get very excited, and looking at these two, so do they.
“Well, that’s great! Only I don’t understand that language,” says Jezzinta.
“That’s fine, I speak it fluently,” I say while trying to make out what the words are telling me.
“Blessed...who...night...by...stars...light...” are the only words visible. I need to spray the page with a lot more water to see the text, but I’m worried I’ll destroy it.
“Margaret would not put something valuable on top of a text she wrote where you need water to see it, Alexia. If it makes you feel better, I’ll write the spells in another book before you reveal the hidden text,” says Remi.
I’m grateful she is at least trying to save what my grandmother wrote in her own handwriting. Taking the book with us, we go back to the living room, where Remi pulls the pillow to the coffee table, sits down, and starts writing the spells.
“Hey, sap, you want to come have tea with me while she’s doing that?” asks Jezzinta.
“Why do you insist on calling me ‘sap’?” I follow her into the kitchen.
“Being a ‘sap’ is not an easily accomplished thing. It takes practice and determination, and you, my dear sister, have perfected it!” She turns towards me and starts laughing. “Oh, come on! Smile! You’re too serious, and I love making you smile,” as she nudges me with her shoulder. That makes me smile a little.
“You’re a strange person, Jez, and coming from me, that tells you a lot.” She frowns at my words and I start laughing now.
“With everything going on I didn’t say it, but I should have, many times over. Thank you! Thank you very much for coming to my rescue at the apartment.” I lean to give her a hug. She’s a tiny little thing.
“I love you, sister, I will always protect you if I can. Even if I can’t, I will die trying.” Jezzinta says, making me pull back and look at her.
“I know we call each other ‘sister’, I know we genuinely care for each other. I feel it even if we are not blood sisters, but I really don’t understand it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll do the same for you, but why?” I ask as she starts getting the tea ready.
“How much do you remember of your past lives?” Jezzinta asks casually.
Now that’s a loaded question. First, with Venus, then with Inanna, plus my own memories from this lifetime and a few I’ve been able to connect to through meditations, I do have an overload of lives, times and situations.
“I remember them all now, but the details and faces are still fuzzy. I think I had an overload of information and I short-circuited at some point.” I laugh, and she joins me.
“I mean, for a person with an IQ of 148, I sure as hell acted like a dumbass this past week, right?”
“Oh, knock it off. See, you are a sap! You had a lot on your plate this past week. A lot of things happened at once, and anyone else would’ve run off screaming to hide under a rock. Look at you! Sitting here, trying to figure out what needs to be done. That says a lot about a person in my book.” She’s serious now, looking at me to make sure I pay attention.
“I guess you’re right. I just find it strange that my brain kind of goes on standby when I need it the most, you know? I’m usually pretty good at thinking on my feet and taking control of any situation. This week, I feel like I’m walking around in a haze. It makes me want to slap myself.”
I really mean what I tell her. It’s so unlike me to just follow directions. I’m usually the rebel that breaks all the rules to get things done the way I feel are right.
“And as I said, that’s normal. You’re going through a transformation and it takes a bit of time. Some people go through it in years, but you’re doing it in one week. Give yourself some credit. Plus, I do believe you just found the key to your standby mode.”
I’m looking at her, trying to figure out what she means by that and she doesn’t let me wonder long as she continues. “You want control! One thing you need to let go of when it’s transformation time is control, sister. You need to surrender to it, breathe and let go!”
She puts her hand on mine and looks at me. In her eyes I see the lives she’s lived, the pain we all carry as dowry from birth and the suffering that each of us carries like a badge of honor but we hide inside. It’s not easy to show emotions when everywhere you turn, you’re told you should toughen up and not be emotional. Here, with these two women, I can show emotions. I can cry, laugh or scream and they won’t look at me differently. They will encourage me to let it out, to acknowledge it, and when I’m done, to let it go so it doesn’t control my life. Here, with these two women, I can be me, the real me, the one I hide from the world. The strong-headed, stubborn, intuitive, emotional wreck with an alpha personality yet the one that cries when she sees a street dog with nowhere to go or a dead bird that didn’t make it to its nest on time. Here, being me is okay and it’s liberating. I’ve never realized before that I was still sitting in the cage of other people’s expectations with the door wide open, too afraid to step out. Now, as I look at my sisters’ eyes, I do just that. I walk out of that cage and feel like I
can breathe for the first time in my life. I feel like I’m as light as air and that I’m a shimmering drop of water carried by the wind from leaf to leaf, dropping on hot embers and turning into vapor, rising up, up, all the way to the blue sky where the coldness turns me into water and I float down on the breeze to the leaves where I first started. Everything is much brighter now. The colors of everything around me are vibrant and alive, and I can taste them as well as I can see and feel them. Everything is a part of me, and I am a part of everything.
“Something has changed,” says Remi, walking into the kitchen.
“You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame or how else will you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?” I quote Nietzsche and Jezzinta smiles through her tears.
“Yes, something did change. The phoenix is getting ready to rise once again,” she answers Remi.
“Welcome home, sister,” she says and gives me a tight hug. Remi does the same and now she’s crying too.
“Welcome home, sister.”
I’m hugging them back, but I still feel absent somehow, like an apparition, real but not really real. Peace and love I have never felt before are in my heart making me feel like I can walk on water. Well, I could do that before as well. I am an elemental, but you know what I mean.
“I don’t know what just happened, but I feel different,” I tell them both.
“You trusted and you let go. You surrendered to the Universe, you became one with your essence. I’m proud of you,” says Remi.
“I’m so proud of you, sap.” Jezzinta hugs me again. I do feel like I fit in my own skin better, so I smile at them.
“Is the book ready, Remi? Can we try and see the hidden text? The longer we wait, I have a feeling the less time we will have to prepare.”
“You two do that. I need to talk to Lilith and tell her all that has happened. I will be back shortly. If you need me, yell,” says Jezzinta as she walks out.
“Is she calling on the phone?” I ask and Remi laughs.
“No, she is Lilith’s vessel just like you are Inanna’s. She’ll go meditate, that’s where they’ll talk. Just like you can.” She shakes her head. “Let’s see the text and then I’ll start teaching you all you need to know about your gifts. Now that you’ve connected to the web, they will all manifest within days. I need you prepared, not freaking out.” She takes my arm and starts leading me to the living room.
