He becomes nauseous and nervous. He needs to do something to get his head straight. So he breaks open a brand new packet of delicious Benny's Bath Salts. He rolls up a ten dollar bill. A second later his nostrils are burning again. He begins to flush it with dirty half-filled bottles of old water. For a moment his heart races at full speed. He also feels an uncomfortable drip in the back of his throat. He takes a couple of deep breaths as the room begins to spin. A moment later his eyes roll back in his head as he falls and passes out.
An hour later, Toby wakes up completely refreshed, but disturbed. He notices the remaining blood and dolphin guts. He also notices a human leg and other human body parts along the deck. When he sees the human head, he realizes that it's the old annoying Cuban lady from earlier. This confuses him, because he doesn't remember killing, or feeding on her. He is disturbed by his own actions. He quickly brainstorms a cleanup and getaway plan. He comes to the conclusion that since she's an illegal alien, he's in the clear. As long as he does a half assed clean up job to cover his tracks. It doesn't take him long to find a mop and some cleaning products stashed on this broken boat.
Less than an hour later, Toby is all cleaned up and walking towards the train station. He finds himself engulfed in a strong feeling of paranoia. He decides to hop on the first available train out of Florida. He buys a one way ticket for New York City, the train leaves in 5 minutes. Toby has just enough time to take a piss, and splash some public men’s room water on his face. He does everything he can to get rid of that fishy smell.
With only a minute to go, Toby runs down the platform to catch the train that is about to disembark. The conductor holds the door for Toby, he just made it. He gets an instant headache as he enters the train. Then again this happens every time he finds himself situated that close to that many unwashed and deodorizer neglected people. The only seat available on the train is next to a disheveled person that can't go five seconds without intensely itching himself. Through the reflection of a window Toby gets a good look at him.
He decides to walk the train and keep looking for a better option.. After a few minutes, he ends up right back where he started. The only available seat in the entire train is next to the agitated unkempt looking man. He still can't stop scratching himself. Toby is pretty sure he's gonna catch crabs or lice just sitting next to him. It's a pretty disgusting scene.
Having no other option, Toby sits down next to him and closes his eyes. He ends up napping for a few hours. Toby wakes up to find the itchy man resting his head on his shoulder. This freaks out, because now the probability of having lice is so much higher. Toby jumps up and heads towards the train's Lounge car. He orders a Bud light and sits down in a comfortable booth. Under no circumstance does he want to go back to sitting by that itchy smelly guy.
A beautiful brunette enters the lounge car. Toby starts singing to himself "Pretty woman, walking down the street, pretty woman, the kind I'd like to eat."
Toby takes a nice big swig of his beer and feels completely refreshed. The beautiful brunette walks right up to Him and says "Is this seat taken?"
Toby says "It is now!" As he extends his arm in an inviting fashion, She sits down and places her purse next her and says "I need to speak frankly. I don't want to waste your time, or mine. I'm on my way back home from my Uncle's funeral. I just need a semi attractive stranger to party with. I want someone who can hold his shit and fuck the bejesus out of me from Savanna to Philadelphia. I need to know right now, are you in? Or are you out?"
Without hesitation Toby says "Ok I'm in, but I didn't get your name?"
“Call me Jean" she says.
Jean asks Toby If he had a chance to eat yet? He tells her that he had "A Cuban, and some seafood" earlier. She then mentions how she loves Cuban sandwiches. He doesn't get the connection, but says "Oh yeah Cuban sandwiches are pretty good." Jean then leans over and starts vigorously massaging Toby's crotch. She whispers in his ear that she has a private cabin in the next car. They get up and leave the lounge car together.
Jean's cabin is really nice and it even has a big window. You can see the beautiful Georgia landscapes at 60 miles an hour from this room. She invites Toby in to have a seat. Toby begins to make meaningless small talk. He is wondering how much the ticket for this cabin costs? Jean unzips his pants and immediately shuts him up. At this point she is not able to answer any his questions. Toby alternates between looking out the nice window and looking down at the top of her head. He is drained.
Jean begins to choke, but Toby is not about to give her mouth to mouth. Jean takes a moment to compose her-self and she picks her head up, and offers Toby a glass of wine. He accepts her offer and offers her a line of Bath Salts. She accepts. She probably thinks its regular Cocaine. That would be her first mistake. She reaches into her duffle bag and shows Toby her brand new whip and ball gag.
Toby nods his head with a big smile. Then Jean snorts her line. She picks up her head and opens her eyes as wide as they can go. Then Toby snorts his line. His eyes open even wider than Jean's. Suddenly Jean goes into deep focus. She looks at Toby in all seriousness. She lifts up her skirt and says "Eat me.”
Toby says "I intend to.” At that moment the anger comes back into Toby's face as he cracks the whip and fits her mouth with the ball gag. His body recoils and he then pulls back her panties to discover things aren't always what they seem. He notices that Jean is overly endowed, and not in the right way. She is hung like a horse with the lowest of hanging testicles. Toby pauses for a moment, and then he looks up and says "Now that's a game changer! Isn't it?"
You can tell that he's disappointed with Jean's dishonesty. He growls as he unforgivingly bites off the bad sausage, and throws it over his right shoulder. Two seconds later he is feeding on the testicles and sack, before beginning to devour the left leg. Jean is screaming in pain, but you can’t hear her. No one can, because the ball gag works so well.
As Toby finishes feasting, he hears the conductor knocking on a neighbor’s door. He's rapidly making his way up the hallway, checking tickets. Toby's anxiety kicks into high gear each time he hears him knock on a door. Thinking quick, Toby opens up the huge window and in one motion, hoists Jean's entire body out. It falls quickly towards the ground, and makes a loud disturbing noise. It gets completely sliced and diced as it gets caught up in the gears before finally hitting the tracks. The body is ripped apart so badly that you can no longer tell it had been cannibalized first.
Right then, Toby hears a knock on his cabin door. Followed by the conductors voice
"Tickets! I need to see the tickets, please."
In his best female voice, Toby says "I'm so sorry, but I'm naked. Can you please come back in ten minutes?
The Conductor says "No problem ma'am. Sorry to disturb. I'll be back shortly."
Toby spends the next two minutes tidying up the place. Just when he thought that everything was completely cleaned up. He spots Jean's severed penis out of the corner of his eye. Once again, he opens up the window and tosses it out like an old aluminum can. Toby cringes when he sees the severed member hit the rail and then bounce back up and hit the side of the train. It finally comes to rest on the front door step of a Pentecostal church. That makes him smile for a second. He thinks “Now there is a snake they can dance with, to prove their faith! “ Toby is wiping everything down with a napkin, as he sings to himself
The bath salts
Makes the people yummy
yummy yummy yummy
Yummy In my tummy
Don't need no ketchup
Don't need no spoon
Just one more key bump
and I will finish you!
Toby thinks to himself that he needs to write those lyrics down. He doesn't want to forget them. His friend Jack plays guitar and might be able to help him put some music to his words. Just then, Toby hears the door of the train car slam shut. He knows that means the conductor has left the car. He only has a minute or two to slip out. He quickly leaves the room and closes the
door behind him. He walks at a rapid pace from one end of the train to the other. Once again, the only seat available to him is next to the agitated unkempt looking man. Who still can't stop itching himself for more than twenty seconds at a time. The unkempt man looks at Toby, and yells "Hey man, where have you been? We were starting to worry about you." then he starts laughing and urinating himself.
Toby says "I can't even deal with this shit." He puts his head back, closes his eyes, and hopes to sleep for the remainder of the train ride.
Three hours later Toby opens his eyes and the deranged man sitting next to him is now completely cleaned up. He is dressed up in a white three piece suit. Toby is freaked out by the sudden transformation.
The man extends his hand for a shake. He says "Wayne's the name, and sales is the game. Let me ask you a question? Have you ever bought a used car that started to fall apart the minute you took it off the lot?"
Toby nods his head and says "So you're a piece of shit used Car salesman? I would have never guessed."
Wayne corrects him by saying "No sir, I sell previously owned vehicles."
Wayne confides in him that he is just working on his salesman character. He's hoping to score a sales job at his cousins used car lot in Clifton, New Jersey. Toby asks him if his cousin has any more openings because, as it turns out he is currently unemployed too and an under the table position looks quite attractive. Wayne lets him know that he will ask his uncle for him. Then Wayne says. I think we'd make a great power sales team. Toby says "I just need money? So Toby decides to join him and get off the train one stop early, in Newark.
Wayne and Toby transfer to the New Jersey transit train. The first stop for them will be Hackensack. From there they can Take Wayne's mother's car to Clifton. The train is so empty for this time of day. Toby decides to divvy up a Couple of key bumps to pass the time. Wayne asks him if he has a little extra? He agrees to give Wayne a bump. A
Minute later, Toby watches Wayne's face come alive, like a speeding freight train. "Wooooooooooh!" Wayne says , as his body begins to shutter. He suggests that they do a little more before their arrival in Hackensack. Toby says let's just let that settle in a bit. We'll do more when we get to your place. Wayne is excited, and can't wait to get home.
Toby shows Wayne the original song lyrics he has been working on.
Wayne says" Bath salts makes the people yummy! I really like that. Finally someone writes a song about something meaningful. I like the part that goes.”
“Partying with bath salts is hip and new
not for human consumption
Yet that's what it leads to.”
“Yeah man, those lyrics really speak to me.”
Wayne opens the front door and welcomes him to his Hackensack home. Toby chuckles and says "Is that all you get for your money?" Wayne looks puzzled.
Toby lets him know it is from a Billy Joel song from a hundred years ago.
Wayne warns Toby to be quiet, because his mother might be sleeping. The minute his mother sees him, she starts yelling at him for owing her money for the overdue electric bill. She is also upset that Wayne tried to move to Florida without his psychiatric medication and no forwarding address.
Wayne keeps trying to introduce Toby to his mother, but she can't stop chastising him for having a messy room. She keeps threatening to throw him out into the street. She tells him that his room smells like "someone was making cheese when they shit themselves." She pleads with him to at least open up a window sometime. Toby politely mentions to Wayne that his mother is kind of "a cunt." Wayne agrees.
Toby opens up a fresh new pack of bath salts. He cuts up two even gigantic rails on Wayne's boyhood dresser. Toby looks up at the television. He notices that Homeless Ronald is being interviewed on the news. He can't believe he survived the attack. They show how his face was reconstructed by grafting skin from his ass onto his face. Toby thinks about how now he must smell even shittier than before. Toby becomes freaked out that this has become a national news story. He quickly looks up all the different internet versions of the story. He watches all the different coverage on all the cable news networks. While on the internet Toby looks up other information about bath salts.
Wayne tells Toby to go wait in the living room while he uses the bathroom. Toby steps out into the living room to find Wayne's mother passed out on the couch with her night gown hitched up . Her unshaven overgrown gray jungle is fully on display. On the ground near her is a gigantic double ended black dildo. Toby face turns pale as he turns around and heads back towards Wayne's bedroom.
“Oh my God I just saw your mother’s jungle vagina. I think I'm gonna be fucking sick.” Toby tells Wayne that he needs to get some fresh air and get out of there for a little bit. He tells him that he needs to clear his head. Wayne gives him a joint and tells him to go smoke it up on the roof.
Toby walks up the old stair case and opens the door, steps out on to the roof. He takes in the breathtaking Hackensack skyline. And by breathtaking, I mean you cough allot because of the surrounding industry. He finds a comfortable spot to sit down and fires up the spliff, a moment later his entire body completely relaxes. As a matter of fact, He hasn't felt this relaxed since before he walked into that bodega back in Miami. With each toke he takes he thinks about everything he's been through on this crazy journey. A single tear falls down his face as he thinks about Homeless Rudy. That sadness turns into nausea as he thinks about Jean.
After taking the final toke, he realizes that his craving for human flesh has completely disappeared. He could use a slice of pizza though. He smiles as he realizes how dumb the government is. He realizes that marijuana is not only a good cure and tool for coping with illnesses like Glaucoma, Cancer, and AIDS. But it also cures the intense hunger for human flesh caused by delicious Benny's Bath Salts. Toby thinks it’s a shame that these synthetic versions of these substances are a thousand times worse and harmful as the actual pure substances. Toby stands up and enjoys the last of the reefer smell as it dissipates into the air.
Back inside Wayne decides to take a peek inside Toby's jacket and discovers an unopened packet of bath salts. Wayne spreads the entire thing out on his dresser. He selfishly ingests the entire packet all by himself. Right as the salts take effect he begins to hallucinate. He thinks men in black suits are coming after him. He wants to protect his Mother. He runs into the kitchen and grabs aluminum foil. He starts taping the foil up to the windows. He asks his mother if she knows where Toby has gone? His mother is trying to tell him he has lost his mind, but he doesn't hear her. With a sad face he looks up at his mother and says "No use in trying anymore. It's over. We're all goners. All of us. That means you too, Mom . I'm so sorry. We're so fucked! "
Wayne strips naked right before he opens up the silverware drawer. He takes out the steak knife his mother had recently stolen from Outback steakhouse and begins furiously stabbing himself. The knife digs into his legs, arms, stomach, and anus. Blood is percolating all over his body, and begins to fly everywhere. His mother becomes upset at the mess her son is making all over her nice clean new rug. She gets upset and calls 911. She explains to the operator that her son is not in his right mind. When she mentions that he is stabbing himself profusely, they agree to send a unit and an ambulance.
Wayne begins to reach into his body as his mother opens the front door. She lets the police officers and paramedics into the living room. Wayne sees this and immediately puts his hands up in the air. The knife is on the floor. The first police officer kicks the knife towards the kitchen sink. Suddenly Wayne shows that he cut himself open and has pulled part of his intestines out. When the first police officer comes in close to help, Wayne wraps part of his intestines around the officers throat and starts to mercilessly choke him out. Both men are in great pain. The intestinal noose is making the other officer, and the Paramedics dry heave.
The entangled officer is unable to break free. Wayne successfully twists the life out of the cop. Everyone is stunned by what has just taken place. Way
ne starts running towards the window. He knows he has a slim chance of actually reaching the fire escape, and even if he does he realized that his self-inflicted bodily harm will do him in. Either way, he is fucked harder than a Kardashian at an NBA after party.
As a last ditch effort to break away, Wayne starts throwing his intestines at everyone. His beloved mother makes the sign of the cross and begins to pray.
Toby climbs back in the window, but no one even notices him. Obviously everyone's focus is still on Wayne.
"Did they do this to you?" Toby inquires after he sees the partial disembowelment. Wayne lets Toby know that he did this to himself.
Wayne yells "Those Bath salts are some crazy shit, man!"
The paramedic says to the second police officer "Who is he talking to?" the officer tells the paramedic to stand back, shut up and just let him do his job. The officer decides to rush Wayne at full force. He begins shooting tons of pepper spray. The officer tackles Wayne to the ground. He locks Wayne's left hand into a hand cuff. Right then he is engulfed in a thick cloud of Pepper spray. The academy teaches all cadets that the first step of defending yourself with pepper spray is to always wear some kind of gas mask.
This officer clearly ignored step one. The pepper spray ends up affecting him way more than Wayne. They are both crawling and weeping on the ground. A state trooper enters the living room with two detectives. He looks down at the struggling officer and says "Ah, would you look at that. It's the pride of Hackensack!" He orders the officer to get up and get out of his sight. Then he tells him not to leave the apartment until he is properly debriefed.
Masters of Taboo Presents: Cannibalism, Digesting The Human Condition (Limited Edition) Page 24
