by E M Lindsey
I could give you one, if you ever want. Anything you want.
Basil blinked at the note, then looked back up at Derek and smiled. I’m not sure I could afford your fee. Your work is too good to be cheap.
Derek shook his head, his hand shaking a little as he scribbled back. No, free. I wouldn’t charge if it was something you wanted.
For a split second, for just a single beat of his heart, he let himself think about Derek inking that flower on him, giving him a tangible, permanent thing between them, and a visible reminder of the person his mother wanted him to be. Then he felt a wave of irritation because he was not the kind of person who wanted any kind of charity.
Thank you, but no.
Maybe it was the look on his face, or the harshness to the letters, but Derek swallowed and nodded, taking the book back. His mouth opened, then closed, like he was going to say something, but instead he turned on his heel and walked out.
There was a moment, so awkward it was painful, where Basil let himself stand in Derek’s stall for another moment. Then he pushed past the little partitions and headed for the door. He was a few feet from the front of the shop when he felt a tap on his shoulder, and his eyes widened as he turned to see Katherine there.
‘Wait,’ she signed. ‘Please?’
He paused, nodding to her a little sharply.
‘He upset you.’
Basil licked his lips, letting out a breath, then shrugged and signed slow for her, ‘I don’t want pity. He offered me a free tattoo, but I don’t need it.’
Her face moved through a complicated expression, then she shook her head. ‘Not pity, not charity,’ she replied. ‘Men like Derek, men like my husband, this is their passion. This isn’t just a job. If an artist like Derek offers you his work like that for free, it’s because he knows you’re important, that you deserve it. Tattoos aren’t for pity.’
Her signs were uneven and her grammar a little hard to follow, but it was enough for him to understand. He could see it in the way her fingers trembled and in the way her jaw was set tight—she meant it. He’d turned and walked away from Derek because he’d misunderstood.
And maybe that was another sign from the universe that it wasn’t meant to be. The language barrier was hard enough, and he might have just ruined something good. ‘Sorry,’ he finally told her.
Her smile softened. ‘He’s not angry. The guys are all learning sign for my daughter. Come by more. They’ll sign for you, they’ll keep practicing. You’d be a good fit here.’
He snorted a laugh. ‘I’m not an artist.’
‘Yes,’ she told him pointedly, ‘you are. Not the same as us, but you are. And you’re welcome. You fit,’ she repeated.
It was…it was a lot, but it was so tempting he nearly burned with it. He hadn’t willingly let himself be part of an all-hearing group ever in his life, not even groups of students back in college. Because they never understood, and ultimately, they left it up to him to fit in with them. Yet, for whatever reason, he wasn’t sure it would be the same here. He wanted to rebel against that thought, but maybe it was worth a chance. Maybe there was room in his life for both worlds.
Amaranth had never hated it, and maybe he didn’t have to either.
Chapter Seven
“Shit. Fuck. Shit,” Derek cursed, staring at himself in the mirror. He ignored the laugh behind him as he ran his comb through his hair one last time, all-but destroying any positive effect the pomade might have had. A few locks of hair flopped down over his forehead and he groaned, turning to a smirking Sam who was lounging on his bed with one leg hooked up under his arm and hugged to his chest. “This is going to be a disaster.”
Sam released his leg, using his hands to shift himself to the edge of the bed, and he beckoned Derek over. “Maybe,” he conceded as Derek knelt in front of him. He spread a little more product on his fingers and began to fuss with Derek’s hair again. “But it probably won’t be. The worst that can happen is that you don’t like each other. Sage trusts this guy, right? And you know as well as I do, he wouldn’t set you up with some asshole.” Sam gave both his shoulders a firm pat and sat back a little, but Derek didn’t stand back up just yet.
“I just,” he started, then shook his head and flopped back onto his ass.
“You just can’t stop thinking of your hot florist?” Sam offered.
Derek flushed but couldn’t deny it. “I just don’t know how I fucked up so bad.”
“It was a miscommunication,” Sam told him gently. “But you said the guy wasn’t interested in you anyway, which is why you’re doing this whole blind date thing.”
Derek shrugged, letting himself fall all the way onto his back, and he stared up at the ceiling. He didn’t look over when he heard a gentle thud as Sam hit the ground, and he shuffled up next to him so they could lay shoulder to shoulder. “I’m trying to be a fucking adult about this, but I feel like some idiot teenager discovering his first crush.”
Sam shifted onto his side, propping his head up on his elbow and looked at Derek carefully. “You didn’t really get to have that, did you? The simple, easy middle school crush?”
Derek dragged a hand down his face, then turned his head to look at his friend. “I mean, yes and no. I had my first crush—his name was Brent, and he was in eighth grade and the captain of the soccer team. One day in PE some fuck-face threw a dodge ball and hit me on the temple and damn-near knocked my ass out. I came to with Brent holding an ice pack to the back of my neck and gently calling my name. It was like…some shit out of Titanic or something. Music played, Celine Dion was there.”
Sam chuckled quietly, nudging him in the ribs with his free hand. “You’re such a fucking nerd.”
Derek shrugged, unrepentant. “For that ten minutes, I felt like a normal kid. Til I got home and my old man started in on me for being a pussy because of course the nurse called him. I never spoke to Brent again after that. I was petrified my dad would find out and…” He shuddered and didn’t let his head go there. “So, I guess yeah. I mean, I did get those moments, but I never really got to hold on to them.”
“Maybe you’re just making up for it now,” Sam suggested.
Derek closed his eyes and sighed out a lungful of air. “I’m a grown-ass adult, Sammy. I don’t want some teenage crush on the boy I can never have. I want something normal—something that makes me feel good. All of my relationships up to this point have been for fucking and free tattoos and I’m exhausted. And Sage had it once—all the good shit—the Katherine and Tony shit. Then he fucking died, and I keep thinking, what if we’re just cursed, me and him? I’ll never find someone who wants me for me and not for what I can give them, and he’ll never get to keep the people he loves.”
“I don’t believe in curses,” Sam said after a beat. He laid back down and let his head rest against the side of Derek’s shoulder. “And trust me, a guy like me—paralyzed as a kid, now fighting to keep the child I rescued—I’m prone to falling into those black holes. I don’t know if this Basil guy will ever mean anything to you in the long run, but I do know it means something right now that he’s getting you to feel things you wouldn’t let yourself feel before. And the fact that you’re going out tonight on this date? You have no fucking idea how proud I am.”
Derek felt his chest tighten, so he rolled over and punched Sam lightly. “You’re so gross right now.” He pushed himself to his feet with a grunt, then pushed Sam’s chair over to him before walking back to the wall mirror and staring at himself all over again. “I guess this is the best I’m going to do.”
Sam wheeled up behind him and slapped him on the ass. “Your worst is every other man’s Vanity Fair cover, dickhead. Go have fun, okay? And if it sucks, come back here and you can watch The Emperor’s New Groove with me and May for the six-hundredth time this week. Deal?”
Derek couldn’t help but grin. “Deal.”
The guy’s name was Niko, and he’d been texting Derek off and on for the last two days leading up to the date. He
hadn’t been pushy when Derek was busy, tired, or just not in the mood to be chatty, and he hadn’t seemed like a martyr about it either which was a huge tick in the positive column for this guy. Derek tried to use Sam’s pep talk to psych himself up as he approached the little Italian bistro, but his nerves were still on high alert.
He was grateful Niko had picked a place that had a calm ambiance, and he wondered if maybe Sage had warned the guy that loud noises and chaotic atmospheres were too much for Derek to deal with in public. Or maybe the guy was just perceptive. He wanted to think the latter, mostly because he was ready to start feeling like a normal, grown adult man who dated and socialized.
Walking in, he approached the hostess who quickly led him back to the table where Niko was waiting. He was dressed casually—jeans and a polo shirt—but he looked elegant in a surprising way. His arms were toned, his glasses added another layer of appeal to his already gorgeous face, and when he smiled, his eyes lit up with it.
He extended his hand as Derek approached, then waited for him to sit before he did the same. “Hey. Can I just say that this is a little weird?”
Derek froze halfway to reaching for his napkin. “Uh…why? Did my brother bribe you into this or something?”
Niko laughed which showed off a twin pair of dimples in his cheeks. “No, man. Of course not. Just…he talked about you so much, and it’s not like I haven’t met twins before, but you two have the same face.”
Derek felt his cheeks heat up and a pang of worry flare to life in his gut because generally, people who liked Sage weren’t into him once they got to know him. The two of them were identical twins, but their bodies were exactly where the similarities ended. Sage had always been quieter, and more reserved, and definitely more well behaved. It was probably why his father hadn’t noticed him as often as he noticed Derek. Sage had always been more level-headed, had always dealt with things better.
Even after the death of Ted, he was living his life, and Derek didn’t know if he’d ever be that strong.
“Sorry,” Niko said at Derek’s continued silence, “was that super offensive?”
Derek huffed a laugh. “No, no, it’s not that. Just…Sage and I aren’t exactly alike. Apart from the whole identical twin thing, our personalities are like night and day.”
The corner of Niko’s mouth twitched up. “He did mention that, you know. Part of why I agreed to go out on this date.”
That gave Derek pause, and he looked at the guy over the rim of his water glass. “Yeah?”
Niko shrugged as he sat back. “Yeah. Don’t get me wrong, your brother is a great guy. He’s the perfect gym buddy and he’s hilarious. But he’s not my type. Physically…I can work with that, but we don’t really mesh well on things that matter.”
“How so?” Derek asked, a little nervous, but more curious than anything.
Niko bit his lip in thought, then smiled a tiny bit as he said, “He keeps insisting on calling a tomato a fruit.”
“Oh my god,” Derek groaned, dipping his head forward, “he so fucking does that. Like okay technically yes, but it’s not a fucking fruit. A few years ago, we had this huge argument and to prove his point, he grabbed one off the counter and ate it like an apple because he’s a fucking monster.”
Niko threw his head back, laughing. “He didn’t. That should be considered treason.”
“I know!” Derek said, feeling his cheeks ache with how wide his grin was. “I won’t change my mind either.”
“Well,” Niko said as his laughter began to die down, “he mentioned that you agreed with me about his shitty opinions. And that was intriguing enough to give this a chance. What about you? How’d he convince you to come?”
Derek bit his lip, debated about the truth, then said, “He said you were a great guy, and…I’ve been kind of looking for one of those. I guess I didn’t take much convincing.”
Niko’s smile softened, showing all the way to his eyes.
The date was good. It was so good. They got along better than Sage told him they would, and Derek found himself smiling more than he had in what felt like years. When the server offered dessert, Niko shook his head and leaned in toward Derek. “Trust me?”
Derek shrugged. “You haven’t steered me wrong yet.” He wanted to protest about Niko picking up the bill, but it had been so damn long since he’d really done anything on the dating scene and he didn’t want to be rude, so he let it go.
Niko lead the way outside and turned the opposite direction of where their cars were parked. “So, this little gelato shop just opened up two blocks down and I’ve been dying to try it. I really limit my sweets, but I get to indulge since we’re on an official date.”
Derek wasn’t really a sweets guy, but the way Niko looked so hopeful, he couldn’t say no. “Sounds good to me.”
“And since we’re doing the date thing…would holding your hand be out of line?” Niko asked in an even softer voice.
For just a split second, Derek wanted to say no, wanted to say that was too much. But he promised his brother he was going to try, and it was such a small step. After only a beat of hesitation, he held his hand out and felt Niko’s fingers slip between his. It was a somewhat awkward fit. Niko’s hands were surprisingly thick, and they stretched Derek’s to a point of almost pain. His palm was rough too, calloused from where he held weights and it wasn’t entirely pleasant, but touching another person wasn’t something he got to do often, either. It felt strange and alien, but he didn’t entirely hate it.
He ignored the tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him that it was only because he wished it was someone else’s hand he was holding, and he distracted himself by following along with Niko’s quick pace and listening to him wax poetic about the wonders of frozen fruit flavors vs chocolate ones.
There was a small crowd both inside and at the tables which stretched along the side of the building, but not much of a line, so when they stepped inside to wait, Derek didn’t feel too closed in. He busied himself by studying the flavors, not really impressed by the selection, but then again this wasn’t really his thing.
“I want every single one,” Niko mourned.
Derek almost laughed. “I think that would probably break even the date rules about sugar intake.”
Niko pouted a moment, then said, “We could each get one we both want and then share.”
Derek didn’t entirely love sharing food either, but this night was all about crossing small lines and getting just outside of comfort zones. He let Niko drag him to the counter and they tried five flavors each before Niko settled on the chocolate Guinness, and he went for pineapple. They took their little bowls, and he crunched down on the little tuile while Niko found them a free two-seater.
Derek was about to lower himself into the chair when two pairs of rapidly moving arms caught his attention. He looked over, and couldn’t help a hot, ugly sensation from rising in the pit of his stomach when he saw Basil there with a guy who looked somewhat familiar. Amit, one of Sage’s regulars, he was pretty sure. Amit was a super nice guy who lived in Denver but came down every few months or so to get new ink done.
Derek let his eyes close a second because he wanted to hate him so much right then. He wanted to hate Amit for being attractive and nice and being obviously fluent in sign which gave Basil so much more than he could offer right now.
“Hey,” Niko said, grabbing his attention back, “are you okay?”
Derek let out a shaking breath, then smiled and nodded. “I’m great. Sorry. Just someone I know—he’s on a date I guess.”
“Someone you know, like an ex?” Niko asked. He wasn’t an idiot and he’d been able to track Derek’s line of sight. “Do you know sign language? Is he deaf or what?”
Derek found himself bristling a little, but he answered him anyway. “He’s not an ex. He’s a friend—he works down the street from the shop and we hang out sometimes. But uh…no. No, I don’t really know sign. I mean, I know some because of Jazzy—Tony’s baby? And I’m goi
ng to be starting classes soon. The whole shop is.”
Niko frowned. “For what?”
“Well, for Jasmine,” Derek said, “but also because it’s probably a good language to have. I mean, being able to talk to deaf customers matters, right?”
Niko snorted. “I guess. I mean, how many deaf people are there, really? I doubt it’s enough to justify learning a whole language.”
Derek’s jaw tensed. “Why should the percentage matter? I mean even one deaf person should be enough of a motivation.”
“Well, they have ways, right? Writing and shit?” he waved his spoon dismissively. “How do you talk to him if you don’t sign?”
“We text and I know some sign language,” Derek defended. “But I know it sucks for him, and I’d like to be able to communicate with Tony’s baby as she gets bigger.”
Niko shrugged. “I guess. They’re not going to teach her to talk though? I mean, deaf people can talk if they take therapy, can’t they? Plus, there are those implant things she could wear so she can hear like a normal person.”
Something hot and angry settled in his gut, and he felt on the verge of either panic or outright rage, and neither one of them would leave the evening on a good note. He took a breath, then set his cup down. “I just…I need to…I have a thing. I’ll see you later.” He rose and hurried off, not looking back when he heard Niko calling his name, and it was by some miracle the guy didn’t follow him to his car.
Chapter Eight
Derek’s head snapped up at the soft knock on the door frame, and when he saw his brother standing there, his eyes narrowed. “Don’t.”
“Look,” Sage said, taking a step into the small room, “he told me what happened.”
Derek shook his head, dropping his pencil next to the sheet of tracing paper he was working on for his next client. “You said if it didn’t work—if for whatever reason, he and I didn’t mesh—you’d leave me alone about it.”
