by E M Lindsey
Derek snorted a laugh, shaking his head. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means I talked to him for like half an hour between the conversation in the café and the one in the parking lot, and he didn’t swear a single time. And he just…has that look, you know? He’s a blank canvas and a little uptight, and way too clean-cut for me. Besides, I’m not looking, and even if I was, I wouldn’t go for someone nice. I’m too fucked up, man. I would ruin him.”
Instead of defending him, Derek merely looked sad, but there was understanding in his eyes too. Mostly, Sage knew, because Derek did understand. Better than anyone. Derek’s trauma manifested in far more obvious ways, though, enough that the guys didn’t pressure him to get out there and get his dick wet. Sage’s quirks were far more subtle. He wasn’t very social, and he came across as very unsympathetic in the face of emotional problems. He also didn’t like touching people—ever. He didn’t mind so much when he had to carry Jasmine or Maisy around, but the feeling of someone else’s body against his sent him reeling back.
He’d been that way with Teddy at first, too. It had been a big relationship hurdle that took forever to cross. Eventually they had, but Sage had gone right back into himself the moment Teddy died, and this time he didn’t see a way out.
Except you touched Will, his brain whispered quietly. You touched him, and you didn’t hate it. Sage winced internally because it was true. He’d pressed his body along Will’s as they sat together, and he hadn’t felt like the world was closing in on him.
He tucked the thought aside, not ready to examine what that could mean just yet. Especially since Will made it very clear that his “complicated” friend was probably a boyfriend, and Sage was not willing to get in the middle of someone’s relationship drama.
“He’s got a lot going on right now, so even if I were interested,” he finally told his brother, “it wouldn’t work.”
Derek opened his mouth like he wanted to argue but changed his mind and his jaw snapped back shut. They stood there, a little bit of awkward silence between them, then Derek wandered off to see what Mat and Wyatt were talking about at the poker table.
With Derek occupied, Sage walked around and eventually found Tony on the porch with James. James had his leg off, holding it out for Tony to examine the work Mat had started in, and they both looked up when Sage stepped onto the deck.
“Hey, man,” Tony said, waving him over. “You doing okay?”
Sage nodded and managed a smile he knew didn’t look genuine, but he was confident they wouldn’t call him out on it. “I’m good, just tired. I think I might take off.”
James opened his mouth, then closed it and shrugged. “Alright. If you want.”
“Stop pouting, it’s not attractive,” Sage grumbled. “No one will ever love you that way.”
James waved him off as he reached for his leg, and carefully eased his stump back into the socket. “Fuck off, I get way more play than anyone here. I don’t need to be attractive, I just need to be willing.”
Sage and Tony shared a look, then chuckled as James gave his leg a wiggle to make sure it was secured. “I have an early morning run with one of my gym buddies,” Sage told them. “Lucy’s brother. We’re going to hit those trails up in Broomfield. You want to come? We’re heading out at six.”
“Six? Gross,” James said.
Tony laughed, but shook his head. “Jazzy’s been doing this really fun new thing where she wakes up at two am, cries for an hour, then wants to play. Her ENT thinks it’s something to do with vertigo that wakes her up and makes her adrenaline spike. So yeah, I’m basically useless at six.”
Sage frowned. “Is she okay?”
“She’s amazing,” Tony said with a small grin. “She just learned her twenty-fourth sign, so basically she’s a genius.”
Sage and James both laughed, but it was with affection and love. Jasmine was one of the most adored children in the world, Sage was pretty sure, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. “I’m keeping Maisy for the day on Wednesday when Sam heads to Denver. Tell Kat if she wants to do a playdate thing, she can text me. Maisy always behaves better when Jazzy’s around.”
Tony gave him a quick salute. “You know she’ll be into it. Talk later, bro. Drive safe.”
Sage nodded, then gave them both a quick fist bump before heading back into the house. He contemplated saying his goodbyes to everyone else, but the thought exhausted him, and all he wanted was to bail. He knew they wouldn’t take it personally, so snatching his keys from the table, he managed to make his escape without getting noticed. James didn’t live far from his place, and within fifteen minutes, he was back in his apartment and stripped down to a pair of sweats with a beer in one hand and his remote in the other.
He contemplated switching the TV on, but the exhaustion of his recent trip for Teddy, and his long day tattooing, left him appreciating the silence of his apartment. His wrist was burning a little, and though ice was probably a good idea, slipping his feet onto his coffee table was an even better one. He sipped his beer, his eyes fixed on an old stain in the ceiling which looked like half a lion’s face, and he immediately thought about Will.
That night in the parking lot was a big moment—he knew this. His therapist would want to analyze it in his next session if he was brave enough to bring it up. Sage had felt numb toward the idea of sex and relationships for so damn long. He’d only recently been able to start masturbating again, and the only reason it had worked was after Jen suggested he not think about Teddy.
“Did you think about him when you touched yourself?” she had asked him frankly. “When he was alive?”
Sage’s cheeks had darkened. “Uh. I guess not all the time. I mean, if we…fuck, this is so awkward.”
“You don’t have to go into any detail that makes you uncomfortable,” she had reminded him.
Sage took a breath and nodded. “Sometimes, if we did something I found sexy, I’d think about it later. But if it was just me…I guess, no. Not really.”
He understood the point she’d been trying to make, and it had taken him another three months before he’d been able to stroke himself to orgasm. It was during a shower, after a long hike, and he was sore in all the good places. He’d gotten hard all on his own under the heavy flow of water, and when his hand touched his cock, his entire body lit up.
He almost hadn’t gotten through it. Teddy entered his mind more than once, and his erection began to wilt, but he wanted to push through it. He hadn’t watched porn in far too long, but he remembered a few of the good ones that had done it for him years back, and it didn’t take long for him to slide into a fantasy. He could almost feel himself being fucked, being pinned down by strong hands, holding him in place, refusing to let him move until they were finished with him.
It was a fantasy Teddy hadn’t ever liked to indulge in. He understood sometimes Sage needed it. With his past, Sage often needed someone to take control for him, to make the decisions when his brain wouldn’t let him—but Teddy had never really been very domineering. It was fine, of course, and their sex was amazing. But when Sage got off to fantasy, it was always to the idea of someone who was confident in taking control over Sage exactly the way he needed.
Sage had spilled over his knuckles right there in the shower, then sank to his knees and cried. The release of endorphins unlocked a flood of emotions he hadn’t been fully prepared to deal with, but Jen helped him work through it during his next session, and each time after that got a little easier. He wasn’t able to do it as often as he had when he was younger, but it was better than the numbness he had been feeling before.
It was the same now, with butterflies in his stomach every time he thought about Will. Not strong enough to act on, but strong enough to tell him that he was still on the road to recovery. Someday, he would move on. Someday, he would find someone who could make him smile, and laugh, and want to contemplate the idea of forever. Sage doubted he’d ever stop being afraid that anyone he loved would be rip
ped away from him, but he also doubted he’d ever stop taking these baby steps toward something more than his solitary life.
With a quiet smile, he set down his barely touched beer and laid back against the pillows. Will might not ever end up meaning anything important to him, but he’d already given Sage something to treasure.
Chapter Seven
Will had always been an anxious person. As a kid, any time he was introduced to a new situation, he’d spend the morning sick to his stomach. He’d weather it with the poise and grace taught to him by his parents, but inside, he was a swirling mess of emotions. He’d learned to control it as he got older, but the morning he set out to meet Molly, he felt himself slipping.
His stomach roiled, the half cup of coffee and nibbled corner of a danish threatening to make a comeback as he pulled his car into the parking lot and turned it off. Shaw had arranged for the meeting to be held at the DCS offices, in a play-therapy room where Molly could be made to feel comfortable and safe, and it would allow Will to get some of the initial paperwork taken care of.
He appreciated how easy Shaw was making it on him, but it didn’t stop him from feeling like a complete disaster. His legs were wobbly as he made his way to the front doors, and his sweaty palm slipped on the door handle the first time he tried to open it. Luckily, the lobby was nearly empty, and the carpeted floors dulled the sound of his shoes, preventing an echo.
There was a small desk, and a man with dark hair behind it who looked up when Will entered. “Can I help you?”
“Yeah, I have an appointment with Brienne Shaw. My name is Will Rahman,” he offered, hating how he could hear the faint tremble in his voice.
The man didn’t seem too put off as he typed into his computer. After a moment, he glanced up and nodded. “I’ll let her know you’re here. Have a seat.”
Will glanced at the empty chairs, then down a small corridor where he saw the bathroom signs. “I’ll be back in a second,” he told the guy, nodding toward the door. He just needed a moment to himself, a small space to catch his breath without anyone watching, because he couldn’t be this much of a mess before facing Molly for the first time.
He swiped his hand over the top of his jeans, then reached for the door. It swung in too easily just as he pushed, then there was a slight crashing sound, and a deep voice cursing. Will stumbled back as the door slammed shut, and then opened again to reveal a man in a wheelchair with the front of his white hoodie covered in a fresh coffee spill.
“Oh my god,” Will groaned, totally mortified. “I am so sorry.”
The guy looked up, somewhat disgruntled, but his face softened a little when his gaze landed on Will. “No worries, dude. I have an almost three-year-old. Trust me when I say this isn’t the worst thing that’s spilled on me today.”
Will let out a slightly strained laugh, rubbing a hand down his face. “Yeah well, I’m not normally such a clumsy mess,” which was only a slight lie. He watched the guy as he peeled away his hoodie, and he was momentarily stunned by the tattoos covering his forearms. Not just the fact that he had them, but at how much the style resembled what he’d seen on Sage.
As a matter of fact, he was pretty sure he’d seen this guy going in and out of the tattoo shop’s back door.
“I know you,” he blurted.
The guy blinked up at him. “…Okay?”
“Sorry. No, I mean…we…we’re shop neighbors. I’m Will, I just opened up Masala.”
The guy’s eyes widened, and a small grin flitted across his face. “Right. Coffee shop guy. Sage told us your shit was really good.”
Will felt his cheeks heat. “Yeah. I mean… I hope it is. Anyway, I uh…I feel bad about making you waste all that caffeine just now, so your next cup is on me, okay?”
The guy’s face went totally soft and he moved his chair back into the bathroom to let Will through. “That’s not necessary. This was the cheap vending machine shit they have upstairs. It’s probably better this way. Besides, if you’re here for even close to the same reason I am, I understand your nerves.”
Will bit his lower lip so hard it stung, and he walked to the sink to wet his hands, pressing the cool drops to the back of his neck. “It’s a long story.”
“Aren’t they all?” the guy asked with a wry grin.
“She’s not mine,” Will told him. “The kid I’m here for, I mean. She’s my baby sister. My parents just died and…and these people want me to take her, but I don’t even know her. I’m totally going to mess this up. Like, this child is going to depend on me, and I am going to ruin everything.”
He heard a quiet shfft sound of wheels on tile, then a firm hand touched his elbow. Turning, he saw the guy looking at him with a fierce but kind expression. “It gets worse before it gets better. My daughter came to me when she was an infant, but her trauma wasn’t less, it was just different. It works itself out, and you don’t seem like the kind of guy who would let down someone you love.”
Will ducked his head. “I’m just the wrong person for this.”
The guy’s hand left his arm and he laid it on his own thigh. “That’s what I thought. Now, I would die for this kid. I would jump through whatever hoops these people made me just to make sure she’s safe and happy and with me. It seems like a lot now, but I swear it gets easier. And hey, we’re neighbors, right?”
Will managed a slight smile. “I guess so, yeah. Uh…what’s your name?”
The guy’s cheeks turned faintly pink. “Shit, sorry. I’m Sam.” He extended his hand and Will quickly took it. “I know you’re kind of new to the area, but the guys at my shop—they love kids, and they’re good people. If you need anything, just head over. We take this whole community thing pretty seriously. I mean, it takes a village, right?”
Will knew he should be put off by the idea of this heavily tattooed stranger offering to help with raising his sister, but he wasn’t. In fact, it was the most comforted he’d felt since he got the call. He found his smile returning, and it was genuine this time.
“That means a lot, thank you,” he said. He turned to reach for a paper towel, swiping the dampness from the back of his neck. “I’m serious about the coffee though. It’s the least I can do.”
Sam looked down, picking at his shirt, then smiled up at him. “I’ll probably take you up on it. I know Sage is chomping at the bit to go back for more tea, so I don’t think this is the last you’ll see of me.”
Will managed a laugh. “Thank you. I needed this more than you could possibly know.”
“Trust me, I get it,” Sam told him. He gave a wink, then rolled toward the door. “I gotta take off, but I hope to see you around.”
Will nodded, not trusting his voice when he realized this day wasn’t over. He waved Sam off, took another second in front of the mirror to compose himself, then turned toward the door and headed for the lobby.
Shaw was a tall black woman with braids pulled back into a loose pony tail, wearing casual jeans and a t-shirt which made the situation feel more like a social gathering than terrifying custody meeting. He assumed it was on purpose, just like she had probably used her specific “work tone” to keep him calm when he had called the night the detective had reached out.
She met him at the door, extending her hand and shaking his with a firm grip. Her mouth was set in a determined line, but her eyes were soft and compassionate, which he was grateful for. He supposed he and Molly were both out of their depth, and he wasn’t sure he could keep it together enough to help the girl feel safe about going to live with him.
“I’ve got her working on a unicorn coloring book right now,” Shaw said, keeping her voice low so Molly wouldn’t overhear. “If you need to take a minute…”
“No,” Will said, letting out a heavy breath. “No, it’s fine. I’m good.”
She gave him a quirked brow, and he didn’t exactly blame her for being skeptical, but she stepped aside and let him enter the room. It was a fairly small space, a sofa in the corner, card table with two folding chairs
near the window, and a smattering of beat-up old toys in a box against the corner. The walls were covered in motivational posters with baby animals, and there was corkboard near the door with drawings kids had done over the years. There was something intensely depressing about the room, and Will wanted to hurry this along, if only to ensure Molly wouldn’t be stuck there all day.
Will shoved his hands into his pockets, and Shaw stepped in front of him as Molly looked up from her drawing. Will was almost stunned to see just how much she looked like him. Her features were a little softer than his had been, but they shared the same eyes, full lips, and straight nose. Her hair was pulled into a neat bun at the nape of her neck, and she was dressed in purple leggings with a matching top.
Her eyes stayed wide as she watched him, her knuckles going so tense on the crayon he thought she might snap it as he took another step inside the room. “Molly,” Shaw said softly, her tone kind rather than patronizing, “this is your brother, Will.”
Molly stared directly at him without saying a word, and after a moment, he began to fidget a little. “Hey,” he said when it was clear she wasn’t going to greet him, “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.”
Molly’s gaze flickered to Shaw’s, then back to him. “Miss Shaw said your house wasn’t here.”
Will nodded, feeling a little bit of his tension unknot. She wasn’t outright rejecting him, at least. “That’s right. I live about half an hour away, in Fairfield. Have you ever been to Colorado before?”
“Yes,” she said, then turned her attention back to the forest scene she was coloring. Just when Will thought that was all he was going to get out of her, she said, “Baba and auntie took me to Aspen last year for my birthday. We skied and I fell.”
Will felt his lips twitch, because his father had done that with him too, around the time he was Molly’s age. He looked to Shaw for approval, then took another few steps toward his sister. “Did you like it?”
“Um,” she said, then shook her head as she rooted around the box for a different shade of green. “Not really. It was cold and the food was yucky. But mommy was busy, and baba just wanted to talk to his boring friends.”
