by E M Lindsey
“No,” Will said in a rush, but part of him ached deeply that his answer was honest. Sage had made it very clear there was no future with him. “I’m not seeing anyone. My priorities are just different.”
“So, it’s a no, then,” Joe said, his tone flat.
Will dragged a hand down his face. “It’s…I need to think about it, okay? Because you put me through hell with your scams and your drinking, and you were so awful to me all the time. I’m not subjecting my sister to that. She’s been through enough.”
Joe nodded, his eyes alight with hope as he took a step forward, and Will didn’t back away. “It’ll be different this time, I swear. You won’t regret it.” The words were the exact opposite of the vile he’d been spitting that night outside of the bar when Sage had pulled Joe away from him. The night Will had been so sure things were about to change between him and the gorgeous, sad, tattooed man. Only, nothing had turned out the way he expected. Sage was gone, and Joe was the one standing in front of him making promises Will had waited far too long to hear.
Will wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing, but right now, he was lonely and aching. Joe was familiar, and his eyes were softer than Will had ever seen them. People deserve a chance to grow and be better, he told himself. He wasn’t entirely sure if Joe was the kind of guy who deserved that chance, but he was weak. And he was so, so tired of being alone.
Sage tucked his homework under his arm, reaching to open James’ front door. He could hear music coming from the far back, which likely meant James was still in the garage, but he smelled food which meant someone was also cooking. Moving into the living room, he found Mat stretched out on the sofa, his head back and eyes closed, feet tucked under the coffee table.
“Are you fucking sleeping?” he asked, increasing his volume.
Instead of startling, Mat just lifted his hand and shot Sage a middle finger. “I had one of my migraines yesterday, okay?”
Sage deflated. “Shit. Sorry.”
Mat cracked one eye open and shook his head against the cushion. “It’s fine. If it was still bad, I’d be at home. I’m just fucking tired is all. Did you bring your notes?”
Sage tossed them onto the coffee table and walked around to sit down next to his friend. “Yeah. I had a meeting with that lawyer guy right after class, but I figure there’s enough time to go over this tonight. Wait…isn’t your tutoring right now?”
“Tomorrow,” Mat told him. He was taking ASL with a private Deaf tutor online since his inability to read made the study difficult in the classroom setting. Everyone was helping out as best they could on the day to day, and Basil, Derek’s Deaf boyfriend, had offered more private lessons whenever he had free time from work or sucking face with Derek—which wasn’t much, but it was something.
Sage knew Mat was getting frustrated with the slow progress, and he also knew it was harder for Mat who had once been in medical school and on track to be an amazing physician and was now forced to rely on alternate means of learning. Sage’s life had been derailed at fifteen, so he could only imagine what it would have been like to wake up in his mid-twenties with everything he’d ever known just…gone.
“We were just working on sentence structure and grammar today, and translating sentences from English to ASL,” Sage told him. “I’ll show you what I got down, but I kind of suck at it, so you might want to wait for Derek and Baz to walk you through it.”
Mat waved him off. “That’s fine. Honestly, I don’t think my brain’s going to absorb anything tonight. I just want food and a long ass nap.”
At the mention of food, Sage became aware again of the smells coming from the kitchen, and he realized he could also hear the sounds of something being fried. “Is James in the kitchen or the garage?”
“Garage,” Mat told him. “Wyatt offered to cook tonight. I guess he’s doing some French dish—or well French-Canadian since he kind of jumped on my ass about that.”
Sage chuckled. He didn’t know Wyatt very well, but he could absolutely hear the man get defensive about his heritage. “Well, it smells fucking good, and I’m starving.”
“Yeah,” Mat said with a tiny sigh. He looked over at Sage again and frowned. “You still look like shit, bro. Did the meeting not go well?”
“It went great, actually,” Sage told him, sinking back into the cushions. “He’s going to take the case. He’s donating the money to another in-need family and taking Sam’s case pro-bono. I wish we’d been able to find him sooner and save Sam all this worry.”
“Well, we’ve got him now,” Mat reminded him.
Sage closed his eyes and gently rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Yeah.”
He felt Mat kick his ankle, but he didn’t look over as Mat asked, “So do you want to talk about it?”
“About what?” Sage shot back.
“Whatever the hell has your boxers twisted. I know that look, man. I know it wasn’t just a long day.”
Sage dragged a hand down his face, then groaned and turned his head to face Mat. “I saw Will today, and I think he was on a date.”
Mat blinked at him a second before his eyes went wide. “Will? Like your coffee shop not-boyfriend, Will?”
Sage blew out a puff of air. “Yep. Before Niko and I took off, I kind of…I…I told him about Ted. He was obviously freaked out, and I wasn’t really in a good place to make him feel better about it. So, we left things weird, and I have no right to be upset that he decided to start dating.”
“Did you at least tell him you wanted to be with him?” Mat asked.
Sage felt his cheeks heat up. “No. Because he deserves better than my fucking mess, Mat. He deserves…”
“To be with you,” Mat said fiercely, sitting up a little. “And you fucking know I’m right. This is the first time I’ve seen you actually let yourself be happy with someone who wasn’t family, Sage. You deserve to be with him.”
“If I deserved him,” Sage said, his chest going a little bit tight, “I wouldn’t have royally fucked up the last time we got together. I would have just talked to him like a goddamn adult and told him how I feel. But I didn’t.”
“Your dad had literally just died. He’ll understand. It’s only been a couple of weeks, and I bet if you talk to him now…” Mat went quiet at Sage’s look.
“I’m not going to ruin his chance at happiness just because I missed mine,” Sage replied. In truth, he was feeling fucked up and defensive because Will hadn’t been on just a date—he was on a date with Joe. The guy who had spent years abusing him. Sage was trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Will would date that piece of shit again, especially after the night outside the restaurant. “I have a lot going on anyway. I’m meeting with some investors next week to get the ball rolling on the teen center, and the second half of my physics class is starting next week which is going to be killer. Adding in the ASL and all my clients, I won’t even have time to pine for him.”
“We both know that’s a fucking lie,” Mat grumbled.
Sage shrugged. He couldn’t deny it—Mat was calling it like he saw it.
Still, he had no place to do anything about it. He had no right to walk up and say hello since Will hadn’t even texted him to help Molly with tutoring after their awkward goodbye. He felt the gaping wound in his chest bleeding out, but there wasn’t much to be done except get over it. It would be better for them in the long run, anyway. Will deserved to be happy, and if that was with Joe, so be it. Hell, maybe the guy had changed. Not that Sage was willing to believe it, but for Will’s sake, he needed to have hope. It didn’t erase the pressing worry settling heavy in his gut, but he couldn’t bring himself to intervene. Not after the way they’d left things.
“Yeah, I can see on your face how sure you are about it,” Mat said, sarcasm dripping from every word.
Sage reached out and punched him lightly on the thigh. “Can we just not? Please? It’s been the worst month, and the last thing I want to do is fixate on how badly I fucked up with the one guy I’ve had feel
ings for since Ted died.”
Mat’s face fell and he shifted, reaching over to squeeze Sage’s leg. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just want you to be happy, and I thought maybe Will was it.”
“I thought so too. But that situation only proved I’m definitely not ready,” Sage told him.
Before Mat could reply, Wyatt stuck his head around the corner and said food was ready. It was a welcome interruption, one Sage was ready to dive head first into, if only to distract himself from thinking about Will.
Chapter Fifteen
Sage was usually religious about turning his phone to silent when he was working with a client, especially on an intricate piece. He got a little obsessive when he knew someone was texting him, and it did his clients a disservice if he wasn’t completely invested in the work. Unfortunately, it had been an off day, and he’d completely spaced it. At that moment, Amit was the client in his chair, when his phone began to vibrate on the counter. Amit couldn’t hear it with his hearing aids out, but he did notice when Sage started glancing over ever couple of minutes.
Tapping him on the shoulder, Amit raised his hands to sign, ‘Stop?’ as soon as he had Sage’s attention.
Sage’s cheeks went pink and he set his machine down on his table. ‘Sorry,’ he replied. ‘Phone.’
Amit laughed, reaching for his left hearing aid. “Yeah, I figured after you stared at it for the fifth time. I need to take a piss anyway, so you can handle your business.”
Sage was mortified at his own unprofessionalism, but he was grateful for the reprieve. He waited just until Amit disappeared around the corner before ripping off his gloves and snatching his phone up. His eyes widened when he saw Will’s name on the screen, and he swiped the message open, hope flaring to life in his chest.
It was dashed when he saw the text was about Molly, but Sage still felt an obligation to the little girl he’d gotten close to.
Will: Molly just got suspended for throwing her textbook during math class. I know asking makes me the biggest jerk, but is there any way you can come by this week?
* * *
Sage: I have Thursday night off. Will that work?
There was no response right away, and Sage quickly turned his phone to silent, tucking it inside the top drawer of his toolbox before reaching for another set of gloves. He refreshed his supplies and was just getting settled in his chair when Amit returned.
‘Better?’ Amit signed.
Sage nodded his fist. ‘Yes. Sorry. Not important.’
‘Liar,’ Amit signed. It was not a sign Sage had learned in class yet, but one both Basil and Amit had used enough that Sage picked it up. “What’s up, man? Do you need to stop?”
Sage sighed, fighting the urge to rub a hand down his face, but he didn’t want to lose another set of gloves. “Nothing. Just my personal life is a shit-show and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Amit frowned at him. “That bad? I mean, I know you’re not the most social guy, but I’ve never seen you so low.”
Sage shook his head as he reached for his machine. “Let’s just say I had something good, and I fucked it up. Now the guy wants to see me for another reason—a professional reason—which of course I’m happy to help, but it’s going to be hard.”
Amit gave him a sympathetic look as he pulled his hearing aid back out, then signed, ‘Can I help?’
Sage offered him a smile. ‘No,’ he replied, his gloved fingers sticking together a little with the sign. ‘I’ll be fine.’
Amit didn’t look convinced, but when Sage gestured for him to sit back down and assume the position, he did so without complaint. Sage fired up his machine again and took comfort in the familiar buzzing under his hands.
Will stared down at the message on his phone screen, feeling a mixture of anticipation and apprehension. He’d deliberately kept himself from texting Sage over the last few weeks, unsure how he’d react to seeing the guy again, while also trying to decide if Joe really had changed for the better. It had been going fairly well too. Joe had been a different person—bringing over dinner, surprising Will with flowers, showing up to take him to lunch during the week. He’d arranged several outings to Denver with Molly, and he had gone out of his way to try and bond with her.
Joe was a little put off by Molly’s hesitance to accept him, but Will had repeatedly reminded Joe that she was still suffering through trauma, and it might take her some time to trust new people. What Joe still didn’t realize was that Molly had been asking to see Sage the entire time. It took her a little while to notice Sage’s disappearance, but once she did, she confronted Will immediately.
“Why did Sage stop coming over to help me with my homework?” she asked over dinner.
Will felt his stomach sink. He contemplated lying, but that wouldn’t solve anything, and if she learned the truth, it would only set them back. “Sage and I had…we had a falling out.”
Her nose wrinkled. “What? Like a fight?”
“More like we decided it was best if we didn’t stay friends.”
Molly’s eyes went wide, and she dropped the bit of roti she had been holding. “What.” Her tone was flat, but it only meant she was on the verge of an impending tantrum he’d become all too familiar with.
“Molly, it’s nothing you did,” he assured her.
She clenched her hands into fists. “Why did you make him go away? He was my friend! You’re the worst brother in the world!” Before Will could stop her, she’d flung her plate to the floor, the splattered saag staining the cabinets muddied green. She jumped up from her chair, racing to her room, and he heard the lock click into place just as he reached the door.
“Molly,” he said quietly. He could hear her crying, and he knew it was no use. It was difficult and part of him wanted to call up Sage and make amends, if only for Molly’s sake, but he knew that would only make things more complicated. So instead, he pressed his forehead to the door and sighed. “I’m sorry.”
He figured she’d get over it. She was a kid, and she was resilient. She just needed a little time.
Then, a week later, he got the call from the principal and had to sit through a meeting where the teacher detailed out all of Molly’s escalating behavior. Molly was in the room, sitting sullen and quiet in her chair, offering no explanation for her actions.
“We understand she’s struggling,” the principal said, giving Molly a look, “but we can only tolerate so much. I’ve been left with no choice but to suspend her for two days, but I will make allowances for her schoolwork.”
Will licked his lips. “I’m…I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.”
“I suggest speaking with her therapist about it,” the principal said with a little sneer in his tone. “Maybe they can suggest a medication.”
Will felt rage hit him suddenly, and he fought the urge to dive across the desk and take the man by the throat. Did this pasty moron seriously think there was a pill that could cure her grief? But Will knew this was partially his fault. He’d shaken up her world yet again and offered nothing but a pathetic apology.
“I’ll make sure her work gets finished,” was all he could offer. He collected Molly, and neither of them said a word on the drive home. He could see a little contrition in her expression, but he knew it was better not to confront it now. She needed time to process, and he needed time to figure out what the hell he was going to do.
His first step, however, was to text Sage. At the very least, Molly was owed some closure, and even the possibility of keeping him around as her tutor. If it happened, Will would insist on paying for it—he couldn’t let it get personal again—but at least it would give Molly some compromise.
He hadn’t really expected Sage to get back to him though, so when he did, Will jumped at the chance.
Will: Thursday is perfect. Come for dinner. Molly wants to see you and there’s something I wanted to talk about. No emergency, but important.
* * *
Sage: Will do. Text me if anything changes.<
br />
It was such a stark departure from their previous messages. Will had the entire thread saved, the soft conversations and toeing the line with their flirting. Now it was cold and professional, and he wasn’t sure he could handle it.
He would. For Molly’s sake, he’d do just about anything, but he knew it was going to hurt. Sitting back in his desk chair, he eyed the prayer rug he hadn’t touched since moving to Colorado, and he found himself rising. It was technically within the forbidden time for prayer, but he unrolled it anyway. He shut the door as an afterthought, then knelt at the back and felt the familiar, worn fabric under his knees.
He’d all but forgotten the time when he would do this five-times a day, and right now, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking for. Peace, maybe, or some direction. He closed his eyes and took a breath, then bowed until his forehead touched the floor. Allah, please, he begged silently. Please. I don’t know that I believe you’re there, or that you care at all about some random person in a tiny town who never bothered to have any faith, but if you’re listening…please. Show me how to move on. Show me how to make it stop hurting.
When Will finally rose, he felt no different. The heavens hadn’t parted. Jibra’il hadn’t descended to bestow wisdom or secrets to unlocking his troubles. There was no one to guide his way through this darkness. He was still alone, in total silence, with no idea how to make his life any better.
Chapter Sixteen
Will was more than grateful when Joe announced he had to head to Boulder to see his mom, which meant Will could have Sage over without having to do the awkward introductions between the guy he almost ended up with, and the guy he’d spent the last few months bashing for his abusive behavior. He knew he’d eventually owe Sage an explanation, but he wasn’t entirely ready to admit things with him and Joe were back on—at least, not until he was certain Joe was different.
