by Dustin Brady
“Do you have a plan?” I whispered.
Eric nodded slightly. “Closer,” he repeated.
The giant brought us closer to get a better look.
“Juuuuust a little closer.”
The giant lifted us under his nose and sniffed.
“Good enough!” Eric swung his club. But when he swung, he didn’t hit the giant. He hit me.
I flew out of the giant’s hand and stuck to his helmet thanks to my magnetic mittens. “WHAT WAS THAT?!” I yelled to Eric.
The giant roared.
“GOOD JOB! KEEP YELLING!”
“Your big plan is yelling in his ear?!” Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to learn the answer to that pretty important question because the giant was already swiping at me. I released the magnetic mittens and leaped for the giant’s ear. Then I stretched as far as I could, grabbed an ear hair, and held on for dear life.
The giant roared again and started shaking his head like he was trying to get water out of his ear. I crawled up the hair into the ear and tried not to think about how gross this whole thing was.
“AHHHHHHHH!” I screamed the loudest battle cry I could muster while throwing elbows and roundhouse kicks at everything in the ear. Could I bring down a giant from inside his ear? Who knows—I’m relatively sure that I was the first person in history to try.
Suddenly, the whole ear tilted the other way, and I felt weightless. I turned around and poked my head out of the ear. We were falling—not to the ground—but into a bottomless pit.
Chapter 9
Error Report
“ERIIIC!”
“Hey,” Eric said, giving me a thumbs-up from the giant’s nose. He must have hopped over when we’d started falling. “You knocked him over the edge. Nice job.”
“WE’RE GOING TO DIE!”
“No, we’re not.”
I looked up. We were way underneath the arena.
“WE’RE DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE!”
Eric wiggled his eyebrows. “Follow me.” He let go of the giant’s nose and jumped.
I jumped too, hoping that Eric knew about some special flying ability or something. Nope. We continued falling just above the giant, me screaming my brains out and Eric grinning from ear to ear. I looked down just in time to see a dark fog swallow the giant below us. But before the fog could get us too, everything disappeared in a blinding light.
WHOOSH!
We returned to the all-white room where we’d first met Max.
Eric spread his arms. “Ta-da.”
“But, but, but how?”
“In this type of video game, you always win as long as the other guy dies first,” Eric explained. “Even if it’s by a millisecond.”
“Well done!” another voice said.
We both looked up. Max Reuben.
Eric marched up to him. “Forget to tell us about something, buddy?!” He punched right through Hologram Max’s stomach.
Max smiled. “Sorry about that extra wave, but true warriors find strength to fight even after they think the battle’s been won.”
“Or when some fartface decides to change the rules,” Eric grumbled.
Max held out his hands, and two trophies appeared. Eric and I did not reach for them. “You have the strength to be an Ultimate Warrior, but strength alone is not enough,” Max said. “The strongest man in the world will fail if he does not have the courage to do what is necessary. Do you have a warrior’s courage? I believe in you.”
“Thanks, fartface.”
Max’s hologram smiled, then disappeared. As soon as he did, our backpacks reappeared. I peeked in mine to see that the only thing inside was the dumb trophy. The pod materialized behind us, and Siri Lady returned. “What kind of experience would you like today?”
“Courage, I guess,” Eric said.
“Sorry, that experience costs 15,000 XP.”
I looked at my watch. Two days and 23 hours left. I shook my head. “We need our weapons.”
Eric nodded. “Siri Lady, take us to that dinosaur planet.”
“Wait, why do you want to go there?”
DING! Fall. WHOOSH.
“Welcome to Dino Disaster.”
“I want my club back,” Eric said as he stepped out of the pod.
“That’s a horrible weapon!”
“I like it.”
I stopped in my tracks. I thought I heard something.
“And I know you’re going to say something about time,” Eric continued. “But trust me, we have . . . ”
I put my hand over Eric’s mouth and dragged him underneath the big leaf of a prehistoric fern. Eric struggled for a few seconds, then he heard it too. It was a man’s voice.
“So you’re telling me that nobody knows what caused the error.”
The voice belonged to Max Reuben.
Eric and I shrank lower and peeked underneath the leaf to see Max walking with two of his henchmen in suits. I could tell this was the real Max because, even though he was still sporting his dumb Thor cape, he was now wearing his signature tucked-in T-shirt underneath.
“We’re still investigating,” one of the suits explained.
“But someone from the outside was definitely here, right?” Max asked. “What else could have triggered that error?”
“That’s possible, sir. We received a Hindenburg alert a few days ago . . . ”
“A few days?” Max interrupted.
“Three or four days.”
“Four days?!”
The two suits looked at each other. “Right,” the second one said. “I know that seems like a long time, but it takes a while to run all the diagnostics.”
“I know how long diagnostics take,” Max said.
“Of course, but . . . ”
“Of course, SIR,” Max corrected.
“Of course, sir, I’m sorry, sir. But we, uh, we didn’t think it was important enough to bother you.”
“Let me remind you of something,” Max said. “You’re not on Earth anymore. I’m in charge here. Did you know that?”
Both suits fell silent.
“DID YOU KNOW THAT?!”
They both nodded at the same time.
“And because I’m in charge, I get to decide what’s important. Not you.”
“Yes, sir, and that’s why we told you right away,” one of them tried.
“Is four days right away?”
When the suit didn’t answer, Max pointed to him. The man’s eyes got big, he opened his mouth, and he started clutching his throat. Max turned to the other suit. “What’s his name?”
“N-Nigel, sir.”
“I’ve revoked Nigel’s permission to breathe. Do you think he’d like that back?”
Nigel nodded violently while the other suit looked on in horror.
“Do you think he’d like it back right away?” Max wrapped his arm around Nigel’s shoulders. “OK, Nigel. I’ll get on that right away. You’ll be able to breathe again in four days. Sound fair?”
The other suit turned pale.
“NOW TELL ME AGAIN WHY YOU DIDN’T REPORT THIS RIGHT AWAY!”
“I’m sorry! Oh, I’m so, so sorry. It’s my fault. The Hindenburg report said that the bug was fixed, so I told Nigel that we didn’t need to share it. Of course that’s not my decision to make. It’s yours, Supreme Ultimate Warrior. Just please let Nigel breathe!”
Max nodded. “Thank you for your honesty.” He snapped his fingers, and Nigel gulped air.
Then Max looked back at the other suit. He didn’t say anything or even point. He just looked. The suit stared back, too scared to move. Slowly, color started draining from his face. Little cracks appeared all over his body. It eventually became clear that the suit wasn’t just scared—he was literally unable to move. After 10 seconds, his entire body had
turned gray. Nigel didn’t dare say anything, but he looked terrified. Soon, the suit’s body appeared so fragile that it could break apart if someone just touched it.
And that’s exactly what Max did.
He walked up to the suit, stared in his eyes for a second, and said, “I make the decisions around here.” Then he tipped him over with his finger. The man shattered into a thousand pieces.
Max turned to Nigel. “All error reports go directly to me from now on. Understand?”
Nigel was shaking too hard to answer.
Max pressed a few buttons on his watch and started to get pixel-y. Just then, a T. rex jumped out of the bushes and roared. Max snapped his finger. The dinosaur blew up like a balloon and popped. Then Max beamed into the air, and Nigel scrambled into the jungle.
Chapter 10
Beans
As soon as the coast was clear, Eric and I sprinted back to the pod and got down to business. We thought that we’d been taking our mission seriously up to that point, but let’s be honest—sword-fighting pirates is pretty fun. It wasn’t until we saw firsthand what Max was capable of that we really started to focus. Over the next five hours, Eric and I jumped from planet to planet, collecting weapons and building XP with manic intensity. Thanks to all our practice in the strength challenge, we mowed through enemies with ease. There was one small hiccup when we got greedy and challenged the Dark King again only to die instantly, but we rebounded and racked up the extra 10,000 XP we needed.
By the time we returned to the pod and pressed the “courage” button, we had our confidence back.
“Engaging Perma-Death Mode,” Siri Lady warned. “Continue?”
“We got this,” Eric said.
DING! Fall. WHOOSH.
The door opened to reveal that we were suspended midair in the center of a big metal storage building. I peeked over the edge of the pod. Vipers. A room full of deadly vipers. I turned to Eric. “You know how you keep saying, ‘We got this’? I wish you wouldn’t say that anymore. Like, super-duper wish you wouldn’t say that.”
The pod began tilting. Eric and I grabbed the doorway to keep ourselves from falling out, but the pod continued to tilt, and our arms got shaky.
Then Siri Lady started counting down. “Ejecting in 3, 2, 1.”
WHOOSH!
Just like that, the pod disappeared, and we fell into the snake pit.
“Don’t make any sudden movements,” I warned.
Eric slowly stood. As he did, the snake nearest him also rose. “You have the flamethrower, right?”
I nodded and reached for my backpack. “It’s in my . . . ” My heart sunk. “My backpack’s gone.”
Eric felt his back too. “Oh noooooooo.”
Just then, the biggest snake rose to its full height, hissed, and lunged at Eric’s nose.
“NOT THE NOSE!”
Suddenly, we heard a snap and the snake froze.
“Welcome to the second challenge,” Max said as he appeared behind us.
“Seriously?!” Eric yelled. He swiped at Max, and his hand passed through. Another hologram.
“This is a test of your heart,” Max said. “Can you face your biggest fears? Can you do what needs to be done?”
“Can we skip this?”
Max smiled. “I think you’ll learn some interesting things about yourself over the next hour. Resume challenge.” Max snapped again, and Eric dodged the snake right before it could bite off his nose.
A snake began wrapping itself around my ankle. I stared it in the eye for 20 full seconds, whispering, “Face your fear, face your fear,” the whole time. The snake slithered higher. “Any ideas, Eric?” No answer. Another viper joined its buddy. “Eric?” I turned. Eric was gone. “ERIC?!”
“Up here!” Eric yelled from above.
I looked up to see Eric swinging on a rope above my head, holding on to something small and furry. “Is that a kitten?!”
“Grab on!”
I jumped and grabbed the rope when Eric came swinging back.
“Kick your feet!” Eric instructed. “Like a swing!” The kitten demonstrated.
I shook the snakes off my legs and swung my feet. After four passes over the snake pit, we reached a hidden platform halfway up the wall. I hooked my legs onto the platform, climbed up, then held the rope for Eric and the kitten. “Where did this come from?!” I asked when all of us were safe.
“I happened to look up, and this little guy was swinging right at me! Can you believe it?!”
No. I couldn’t believe it. “You’re saying a random kitten was swinging at you like Tarzan? On the very rope you needed to reach safety?”
“It’s like a miracle!” Eric sat down and started playing with the kitten. “What’s your name, little guy?”
The cat mewed and rubbed its body on Eric. I shook my head. Something didn’t feel right here, but I had to admit that the cat was cute. It had huge eyes and a face that was almost too big for its body—kind of like a cartoon.
“I’m going to call you ‘Beans,’” Eric said proudly.
“Beans?!”
“Yeah, Beans. You have a problem with that? Beans is a great name for a cat.”
“OK, we’re not naming it because we’re not keeping it. Our deepest, darkest fears are waiting for us at the end of this hallway. I guarantee there are going to be killer clowns, and I’m not dragging Beans into that.”
“So you’re fine with naming him Beans?”
“We’re not naming him anything!”
Eric turned to the kitten. “OK, Beans, Uncle Jesse wants to leave you in the snake room. Do you want to cuddle up and wait for the vicious snakes to build a ladder and eat you alive?”
I looked over the edge of the platform. The snakes were, in fact, crawling on top of each other to build a ladder up to our platform. “Fine,” I said. “We find a safe place for him, then we leave him. Understand?”
Eric grinned and held Beans under his arm like a football. Beans snuggled in nice and cozy. “Beans is my best friend,” Eric said.
“I’m very happy for you two.”
We crept slowly down the dark hallway. There were overhead lights every 10 feet or so, but we still couldn’t see very well because most of them flickered creepily. I kept looking over my shoulder, waiting for a monster to come charging at us. Finally, we arrived at a door. I turned to Eric. “You ready?”
Eric covered Beans’s eyes. “We’re ready.”
I opened the door just a crack, then immediately shut it once I saw what was inside. I felt light-headed.
“Clowns?” Eric asked.
“Yes,” I said with my eyes closed.
“No way!”
“Of course there are clowns!” I hissed “Everyone’s terrified of clowns.”
“Maybe they’re friendly clowns.”
“They have knives.”
“OK, now you’re just messing with me,” Eric said as he set Beans down. He pushed past me and cracked the door open. Almost immediately, he shut the door and turned to me with huge eyes. “Oh my goodness.”
“What do we do?!”
Eric didn’t answer because he got distracted by Beans walking back down the hallway. “Hey, bud! Come back here!”
“Shh!” I hissed.
Beans glanced over his shoulder and then picked up the pace. Eric ran after him. “Where are you going, little buddy?”
“Maybe he’d rather take his chances with the snakes.”
As Beans continued walking, he paused every 10 feet or so to paw at different sections of the wall. Then, about halfway down the hall, Beans stopped and kept pawing and pawing.
“What do you want?” Eric asked. “Catnip? I can get you some catnip. I know a good catnip guy.”
“I don’t think he wants anything,” I said, examining the panel that Beans was scra
tching. “He’s trying to show us something.”
Eric knocked on the panel that Beans was scratching.
BWONG! BWONG! BWONG!
It echoed loudly. Then he knocked on the panel next to it.
THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.
No echo. Beans looked up at us with pride. He’d found a secret passage.
Chapter 11
Hypocortezoid Gas
Of course Beans’s claws were just the right size to unscrew the wall panel. Of course the panel opened up to a duct just big enough for a person to crawl through. Of course Beans was able to guide us through the branching duct system. The whole thing seemed very . . . convenient.
I tried explaining my growing unease to Eric. “Just listen for a second,” I said.
Eric didn’t have a second to listen. He was too busy talking to his best friend. “Don’t look, Beans. It’s too scary for you.”
I glanced right. We were crawling next to a vent that let us see into the clown room. “Don’t you think it’s strange that this magical cat happened to appear the moment we needed help most?”
“Oh man, that one has a chain saw. Tell me you’re not looking, Beans.”
“Mew.”
“Max built this thing himself,” I said. “Do you think he just missed a random cat?”
“OK, we’re past the clown room. You can look now.”
“He has to know about Beans. Maybe he even put Beans here on purpose.”
“Oh, look, this room is full of water! Do you like to swim, Beans? I like to—AHHHHH!” A shark interrupted Eric’s yammering when it jumped out of the water and rammed its head into the vent.
We scrambled past the shark room, and I tried again. “Max is evil. And if Max put Beans here, then I think we have to consider that Beans could be evil too.”
“Now what’s this room? Zombies?! Yeesh. Close your eyes again.”
“Mew.”
As we crawled past rooms full of spiders, skeletons, and saws, I continued trying to talk sense into Eric, and Eric continued ignoring me. Finally, the duct dead-ended.
“Now what?” Eric asked Beans.
