See You Smile (Reapers MC: Pema Chapter Book 3)

by Bijou Hunter

Admiring the way the sun shines against his tanned, tatted shoulders, I realize I’m falling hard for Sam no matter how rational I believe myself to be.

  “I think maybe I do have an idealized view of love. My parents seem so perfect together. That’s what I knew growing up. Some kids barely notice what their parents are like, but my family is tight. We drive each other crazy, sure. Yet, we spent a lot of time together. I grew up watching Vaughn and Raven insanely into each other. I thought that was normal, but maybe it’s not. Or maybe they’re not as close as I think.”

  “What you’re talking about is need,” he says, tapping my feet with his under the table. “I never had that with Teigh. That’s why I could go to prison without her falling apart. We were friends and lovers and parents to our kids. But we didn’t need each other to be happy.”

  “What would it look like if you did need her?”

  “What my parents have, I suppose. When I was young, Fred traveled for work. He was never gone long, but Pricilla still got all sorts of mopey. She couldn’t breathe right without him,” Sam says and then smiles as his gaze lifts to take in the clear day.

  “And later, when my mom traveled to New Hampshire to help her sister after surgery, my father lost himself in the house. He might laugh at something on TV and look to her chair to share his feelings. I couldn’t get used to his expression when he realized she was gone. Felt like maybe my parents would never survive long term without the other one.”

  Sam taps my foot and smiles lazily. “That’s the kind of need Teigh and I never shared. I was sad she died, of course. She was my friend. I hurt knowing Raimi saw her mama die. That Caesar tried to give her CPR. But I never stopped functioning without Teigh. Just like she did fine with me locked up. So, I suppose what you see in your parents is more than love. They need each other. Not all love works that way. Maybe most doesn’t. I know I’ve never needed anyone.”

  “Me either.”

  “But you have loved before.”

  Sighing, I mutter, “And I left when she got on my nerves.”

  “You couldn’t have done that if you needed her.”

  His words make sense of my recent uncertainty about Yulia. What I felt was love. I was happy when we were happy. But without her, I’m also content. Leaving her didn’t destroy me.

  “On occasion, when I let myself get overly dramatic,” I admit as I move my chair closer to Sam, “I worry I’m incapable of loving like my parents do. Well, not just them, either. They have a group of friends with relationships that seems airtight. Then, my brother River went stupid over his woman, and Savannah got obsessed with Bjorn. I figured I was like them with Yulia, but nope.”

  Sighing, I smile at where the dogs bark at the cats on the inside window sill.

  “When it bothered me too much, I would think of how I’m more like Maverick. Cold or whatever. That’s what people say. I figured we weren’t made for love. When he fell for a messed-up woman, I assumed he wanted someone who’d let him run the show. Like he couldn’t give his whole heart, and she was broken, so it worked. But he gives up a lot for her. Mav and Violet are airtight like my parents. Once Avery made shit work with Kiefer, I got to wondering if only my youngest sister and I would end up alone. Like we’re too selfish to love like our parents do.”

  “What’s wrong with your sister?”

  I look him in the eyes and explain with complete certainty, “Sylvie’s the most annoying person on the planet.”

  Sam chuckles. “That ought to be interesting to see.”

  “Only you would look forward to meeting a train wreck,” I say, caressing his jaw. “Anyway, I got all wound up about fucking up my one chance. And that’s how it seems with my family. As if we get a single chance at love. Like my mom wouldn’t move on to another man if my dad died. She’d be more like Kirk Johansson’s wife, Jodi. He’s been gone for so long, but she never dates or even has one of those fuck buddies. Kirk was hers, and no one else will do. That’s what I grew up around. I thought maybe Ellsberg people were weird, but your parents sound the same way.”

  “I’m the complete opposite of you,” he says, resting his hand on my bare knee. “I saw my parents perfect together and never once figured I’d find the same thing. You thought it was normal while I supposed Fred and Pricilla were a rarity. I was just happy I got good parents who were crazy about each other and me.”

  “Is that why Teigh worked? You never looked for something deeper.”

  “Looking for something that isn’t there won’t lead you to finding anything, Nev. You tried to make shit happen with Yulia, but it didn’t. I let things be with Teigh, and we never fell in love like you mean.”

  “You either need someone, or you don’t,” I say and nod. “Clearly, I do have an idealized view of love. Like I used to think it was either great or toxic. With Yulia, it just wasn’t enough. That felt wrong like I should have forced it to be better. But thinking like you do, about how people can or can’t need each other. Yeah, that’s what I lacked with her. It seems obvious now how my parents more than love each other.”

  “Seeing our families clearly isn’t easy. I sat with mine last night, and I saw the people I love most. But I don’t know them. Something’s off from when I was last free. Before I got released, I talked to them every week. They seemed okay. Since I got home, I’ve felt something wasn’t right. Raimi is emotional but won’t really explain why. I guess she could just be adjusting. Caesar gets more hostile each day. He probably resents me for leaving, but he won’t get those feelings out.”

  Sam exhales softly, seeming bothered. “But I also sense something off about my parents. I can’t put my finger on it. Feels like I’m too close to them to see clearly. That’s the problem with family. You can’t help getting close and seeing what you want. I bet if the issues belonged to Brick, I’d be Mister Fucking Wisdom. With my people, I can only smile and wait for the answer to hit me over the head.”

  Wanting to console him, I say, “I’m not great at analyzing people, and I don’t know them well. But maybe I could come around sometime and just see what’s going on.”

  “Welp, you were planning to do that anyway, weren’t you?” he asks and offers me a great smile. “Wait, did you really plan to go without seeing me for a long stretch of time?”

  “Maybe I need my space,” I say, putting on my cool bitch persona.

  “Do you?”

  “From you?” I ask and then melt under his gaze. “Fuck no.”

  Smiling at my answer, Sam kisses me. I nearly crawl into his lap just to get closer.

  Yet, I can’t help thinking of the time. After only two afternoons together, I’m already dreading every hour we’re apart.

  THE CHARMER

  At the end of my first week at home, Raimi still looks so relieved when she gets off the bus and finds me waiting. My baby runs to me, leaving her irritated brother behind. I love the smile she wears as we walk to the house. This is more like the Raimi I knew.

  On the other hand, Caesar won’t quit frowning. He walks around the house, checking on everything as if he’s nursing a case of OCD.

  “Let’s get cleaned up,” I tell them. “We’re eating dinner at Brick’s place tonight.”

  “He lives in an old fire station,” Raimi says as she wraps me in her arms and hugs tightly. “He has a puppy like Nev’s dogs.”

  “We’ll have dinner there and be home by bedtime.”

  “Are you coming, Pawpaw?” Raimi asks her grandfather, who sits in his chair fiddling with his phone.

  “Oh, I don’t think so. Mom made her cheesy potatoes.”

  Frowning, I remember telling them this morning how we were eating over at Brick’s place.

  “Welp, can’t you put the taters in the fridge and come along?” I ask Pricilla, who seems confused about what’s happening. “Or bring it along like a potluck.”

  “What if their dinner doesn’t work with potatoes?” Mom mumbles while Dad stops messing with his phone.

  Finding his smile, Fred gets up fro
m his chair. “Everything goes with potatoes.”

  Mom grins at him, and their brain fart seems over. Raimi doesn’t notice a damn thing. She’s too busy staring at me.

  “I missed you today,” I say when she won’t look away.

  “I missed you, too.”

  “I missed Caesar, but he’s not feeling that right now.”

  Raimi opens her mouth to say something and then snaps it shut. I don’t push her. I haven’t been home a week yet. Already she’s warming up. Give it a few more days, and she’ll trust me enough to share all her secrets.

  Caesar is a tougher sell, but he seems happy to visit Brick. We pile into Fred’s small SUV.

  “Why don’t you drive?” Caesar asks me as we settle into the back seat.

  “Oh, I’ve got it, champ,” Fred says while my son continues to frown at me.

  I lean across Raimi in between us and whisper, “Has Pawpaw lost a step with his driving?”

  My son goes from glaring at me to looking uncertain. I sense he doesn’t trust his grandfather to drive us.

  “Hey, Dad,” I say as he starts the car. “I haven’t gotten behind the wheel in a while. Can I drive?”

  “Oh, boy, sure. Just no hot-rodding,” Fred says and winks at Pricilla.

  I switch places with him, and we start the ten-minute drive to Brick’s home. In the rearview, I catch sight of Caesar looking much more relaxed. He and Raimi smile at their pawpaw’s story about why he bought this SUV. Apparently, the sun shined off the hood and temporarily blinded him at the car dealership.

  “This SUV wanted me to notice it. Flirting even.”

  “But I never got jealous,” Mom adds.

  Chuckling at their teasing, I think back to my conversation days ago with Nev about our parents’ relationships. She can seem so young at times. Nev almost reminds me of Brick. My friend was in such a hurry to grow up and be a man that he skipped a few steps. That left him confused about a bunch of rather obvious things.

  I don’t know if Nev’s that bad, but she wants to be a certain kind of person so badly she’ll sabotage herself to make it happen.

  Before I left her place today, I mentioned dinner at Brick’s. Even hinted Nev would be welcome to join us. I don’t know if she caught on or cares enough to show.

  This weekend, she’s working at Whiskey Kirk’s to pick up a sick employee’s shifts. If she’s still working on Monday, I know where I’ll be stopping for lunch. Hell, I might take the family over for dinner, too. My afternoons with Nev are the easiest part of my newfound freedom.

  When we pull up to the duplex, Brick’s out front with Jett and Io. The little girl sees our car, thinks she’s under attack, and wants up. Brick carries her over to us while Jett walks with their puppy on its leash.

  “You remember Raimi and Caesar,” Brick tells the curly-haired blonde who instantly shoots me the funniest dirty look.

  “Io’s sassy,” Fred says, chuckling as he opens Mom’s door.

  “Runs in the family, I hear,” I say, and Brick nods proudly.

  Raimi immediately goes to the puppy. The little thing looks like I imagine Galileo and Ghost did years ago. Once again, Nev’s on my mind no matter where I go. Seeing her sister doesn’t help with that problem.

  With her blonde hair bouncing in a ponytail, Avery appears from the front door and smiles warmly at my parents. I get that odd feeling again, where I’m an outsider dropped into an already in-progress story. Everyone is familiar with each other, even sharing inside jokes.

  “I made the mashed potato bites,” Avery tells Fred, who smiles big at me.

  “Oh, boy, you’re in for a treat,” he tells me. “The kids love them almost as much as I do.”

  Grinning at his excitement, I settle my britches over feeling out of sorts.

  “Good to see you enjoying life,” I tell Brick when we remain outside with the kids who run around with the excited puppy on the extended driveway. Sharing potato stories, my parents head inside with Avery. “Life’s different when you aren’t second-guessing everything.”

  “Avery fixes problems. Even my mom and sister are getting their shit in order. We spent years in a weird funk. Wasn’t a good feeling, but we were used to it. Now, we want to be better.”

  “Jett sure looks happy,” I say as the boy tells Raimi about the puppy. “Does he ever ask about his other mom?”

  “No, and I think he’s starting to forget our old life,” Brick says, sounding as if he’s beginning to let go of those bad memories, too.

  Nodding, I fall silent. When I’m around new people or settings, I like to sit back and see how others react.

  Like right now, I notice Raimi’s in a relaxed mood around the smaller children. She reverts to such an innocent state, giggling and squealing in delight at the puppy’s antics. At home, she’s nervous, clingy, always watching me, even flinching at loud noises. Being unfamiliar with the skittish version of Raimi, I study her and hope to learn what I can.

  Caesar is trickier. The boy avoids me. When we’re in the same room, he corrects me a lot or frowns at the wall. I keep trying to get him alone, but he refuses. He either makes up an excuse to stay away or straight up leaves the room without answering me.

  Right now, though, he looks calm as he stands next to the little ones and smiles at the hyper puppy.

  Next to me, Brick suddenly seems nervous. I suspect he’s bothered by my silence. Like he should be entertaining me. Brick’s always worried about shit that’s best left alone.

  “What’s the dog’s name?” I ask to break up the silence.

  “Cassini. Avery named him after a space satellite.”

  “Did she, now?”

  “She’s into astronomy.”

  “Fred said that’s how Io got her name. Mentioned how the kids looked through his telescope on a few occasions.”

  Nodding, Brick finally spits out what’s on his mind. “I’m supposed to hit you up for gossip about Nev.”

  “Welp, then, let’s just say you weren’t wrong about the Majors women,” I explain with a satisfied grin.

  Brick immediately grins. “I don’t know Nev well. That shouldn’t make sense since we lived in the hotel together. But she has a way of being in a room and not really clicking with everyone in it. Sort of like Maverick, I guess. Detached is probably the best way to put it. Not hostile, just not as involved.”

  “Now, I don’t know about any of that. Our time together has been in her house without prying eyes. She likes to test me on occasion. Push my buttons, that type of thing. Nothing hostile. I just figure she’s young.”

  Though Brick nods, I think he’s looking for more specifics. Of course, I don’t know what’s happening between Nev and me. But we’re dynamite when we share a room. When we’re apart, I start thinking about how independent her lifestyle is while I come with a family.

  Unwilling to share anything that’ll get her sisters in a tizzy or put Nev on the spot, I change the subject to the party Heidi’s throwing in my honor.

  “Is this a small affair or what?”

  “The entire club and their wives. Kids, too, I think.”

  “Huh, I don’t know if all that is necessary.”

  “You know how Heidi likes to make a show of things. They’re creating a hierarchy, too.”

  Frowning, I ask, “How do you mean?”

  “I told you how Colton has his inner circle. The idea is the newer guys and the ones from our old club will vie for more power or rewards on the bottom to move up in the hierarchy.”

  “Are we adding many members?”

  “Since Idyllwild opened up to our people, Cooper Johansson sent up a few younger Reapers from Ellsberg. They don’t have much to do in their hometown. Now, they’re bunking together at one house. Another guy came up with a family. From what I can tell, they’re mostly sons of the original Reapers or guys who rode with Cooper. Maverick wants to scout new talent, but we’re still short on places to put these guys.”

  “A whole bunch of unused old farmland in I
dyllwild. If someone had the will and the cash, they could build a subdivision or two.”

  His dark eyes shine as Brick grins. “That’s the way the Ellsberg crew thinks. The Reapers want to own property in their towns. Colton and Maverick aren’t thinking a few months or even just a year out. These guys are planning out five, ten years into the future.”

  My mind instantly goes to my old pal, Garbage. The responsibility of running the club never suited him. He should have been relieved to have the Reapers show up and offer to make the choices while he enjoyed the benefits.

  Hell, the club instantly made more money under new management, even without a president for years. If Garbage stood down that day, he’d have enjoyed wearing the Reapers’ patch. But ego is a helluva drug, making people die on a hill they didn’t care to win.

  Seems like much of the world likes to take the most difficult route. They’re self-destructive or believe only pain makes a reward worth anything. I’ve always gone with the flow. Having nothing to prove makes the world easier to navigate.

  Right now, I don’t know my place in the Reapers. My kids no longer play the easygoing roles from our video calls. I sense my parents’ have lost more than a few steps while I was locked up. And I’m nursing a heady crush on a woman half my age.

  But I still look up at the clear day and smile. The world isn’t my enemy, and I’m not losing any fucking battles. Life will work itself out, good or bad, without worrying about my input. That’s why I plan to enjoy the ride.

  THE CRACKERJACK

  No amount of tai chi will settle my racing heart. I don’t know how to handle Sam’s hint about joining his family at Avery’s house for dinner. Is going a smart move? We’ve spent several days hanging out. I’m crazy about him, of course. But the beginning of a relationship is always the most fun.

  If I join his family at Avery’s, I’m sending the signal—to everyone, including my family—that I’m hooked on Sam rather than simply hooking up. Walking back that relationship status will be difficult.

  People create expectations when two members of a small group get tight. Hell, there are Reapers old ladies in Ellsberg still expecting me to get back together with Jacob. Our relationship made sense to them.