by Bijou Hunter
Since then, Raimi’s been asking for braids. Such a simple thing, but my baby girl craves a gal’s touch. During the video calls, I noticed how she was always clinging to Pricilla. Now, she holds Nev’s hand in the crowd of people.
“I see those fancy shrimp rolls with my name on them,” Fred says and grins at Pricilla. Turning to me, he asks, “Mind if we abandon ship and get fed?”
“Have at it,” I say before turning to Caesar. “It’s just you and me, bud. Let’s make the rounds and meet everyone.”
“Why?”
“Being part of this group protects 0ur family,” I say, and Caesar’s gaze sharpens.
I notice he prefers having tasks to complete. When his confidence needs a boost, a new little checkmark on a list helps. Tonight, he can assist me with keeping track of everyone.
I worry about getting a lot of “sorry about your dead old lady” comments or “you moved on quick” follow-ups. I can even see those words floating around in people’s heads, but they choose not to upset my boy.
Instead, everyone sticks to the script of “glad you’re out” and “Caesar sure is getting big.” By the time I speak to Mutt and Chip, I’m almost relieved for their rudeness after all the fake smiles we’ve received.
“Boy’s pretty scrawny,” Mutt says, and Caesar shoots him a dark frown.
“He’s twelve,” I say, smiling at how they got themselves in a timeout after they messed with Nev and me. “I remember what you were like at eighteen, boys. If we’re playing the gotcha game, I can find me some pictures of you back in the day.”
“Funny, asshole.”
“Chip, here,” I tell a pissed Caesar, “had a face made for Dominos.”
My boy snickers, seeming embarrassed for the former pizza-faced chump in front of us. “And Mutt never went anywhere without pit stains.”
“Look at you hiding behind your kid.”
I smile warmly at the two shitheads. “I hear the Reapers are bringing up plenty of muscle over the next few years. I’d think you boys would be doing your best to seem invaluable. But you can’t get out of your own way. Real shame if more of the old Silver Swords ended up buried next to Garbage.”
“Are you threatening us?” Chip growls, lowering his voice and keeping an eye out for trouble.
“Just sharing the reality of how we’re the leftovers from a long-ago meal, and the Reapers have a menu full of fresh choices.”
“We do right by the club.”
“Is that you talking or Colton? Just saying, I knew you boys when you were barely keeping erections for club girls to suck off. I’ve seen you at your best and worst. Not sure our president and VP realize you’re anything more than troublemakers stirring up a stink at this fine party.”
Caesar glances around, maybe realizing we’re being watched. The other two seem to think otherwise. Maverick and Nev spy in the most subtle ways, but they notice everything. Sometimes, she’ll mention shit I didn’t even realize she was in the room to overhear.
“You should enjoy yourself more,” I tell the men and gesture for Caesar to follow me.
Mutt and Chip grumble to each other, so certain they know what’s what. They’ve spent over a year with Colton and Maverick running the club. Yet, somehow, they haven’t pegged our new management.
“Some men,” I tell Caesar as we stand away from everyone, “are wired wrong. Not so much dumb as blinded by their biases. Those two fools, well, they look at Maverick and Colton, and you know what they see?”
Caesar looks at my president and VP sitting at the table with the rest of the Ellsberg transplants. Jox is pretending to fight Gunnar. Colton snorts and claps like a giant kid.
“They’re having fun,” Caesar says.
“Yeah, and Colton’s a friendly guy, always joking around. What do you notice about Maverick?”
“He seems less fun.”
“Yeah, he’s sneaky. Always watching people. Nothing gets past him. But what do you think Mutt and Chip see?”
Caesar shrugs, so I answer for him. “Pretty boys who got their power from their fathers. Do you remember Garbage, the guy who used to be my president?”
“Kinda.”
“He was a big, rude asshole,” I say, chuckling. “A real intimidating character who’d threaten people all the time. He was scary on the outside. That’s one kind of dangerous man. But Garbage didn’t plan. He wasn’t smart or patient. If you could calm him down that second, he would be fine. But those men at the table are very patient. They remember the good stuff people do. But you better believe they remember the fuckups, too.”
Caesar studies Maverick and Colton as if seeing them for the first time.
“So, right now, Mutt and Chip are here with the club. They have value, but every mistake is filed away in those men’s heads. One day, the Reapers will have a bigger local club. Getting rid of Chip and Mutt won’t be any loss. But the fools can’t imagine those two men doing anything so permanent. They’re reading them all wrong.”
Caesar’s blue eyes flash to Mutt and Chip at the bar. He looks back at me, and I see him wondering if I’ll be replaced one day, too.
Caesar puts a few things together and says, “You went to jail to help the club.”
“Yes, and I know my place in the Reapers, just like I did in the Silver Swords. I pay attention and see people for who they are. I don’t miss easy signs like those two boys. I proved my loyalty before Maverick and Colton came to Pema. But I still watch for chances to help,” I say and then lower my voice.
“But I don’t kiss ass. Mutt is always complimenting Heidi. Chip used to volunteer to run errands for Garbage. They come off as weak and uncomfortable in their own skin. Powerful men don’t trust guys like them. That’s why I’m square with people when I speak. I hold my tongue when I’m not sure. I have nothing to prove.”
“Maverick wouldn’t hurt you. Nev is his sister.”
“Best not to assume blood means anything to people. Just focus on yourself and never get too comfortable. In prison, I had to avoid being too loyal to anyone yet just loyal enough to stay alive.”
Caesar looks stressed. “How do you know how loyal to be?”
“You trust yourself. Like how you noticed stuff about your grandparents getting feathers in their head and forgetting. You already pay attention while others miss things. Trust your gut. Don’t try being anyone else. That’s how you end up like those two fools. They spent their youth wanting to be Garbage. When he died, they didn’t know how to adjust. Who should they be next? That won’t be you, Caesar. You’re smart, and you own a calm nature.”
“I got mad at you,” he says, grimacing at the memory.
“That’s your heart,” I say, patting his chest, “and there’s no controlling what it feels. Your family will always be your weakness. That’s good. A man needs something to value. Chip and Mutt don’t care about their families or women. No, you need to let yourself care about something, or you’ll get hard like Garbage. Hard men make mistakes. They can’t trust anyone. You’re never going to be like that.”
Caesar crosses his arms, mimicking me. “Do you want me to be in the Reapers when I’m older?”
“I want you to do whatever makes you happy, whether you go to college or ride with the Reapers. Hell, even if you start your own club, you’ll need to understand how people operate. Doesn’t matter if you’re checking out customers at a grocery store or become a trained killer like Maverick Majors. If you can’t see people clearly, you’ll get yourself into trouble.”
Caesar looks over everyone around the hall. No one seems to take notice of us. But I know Heidi is worried we aren’t having fun. Colton and Maverick noticed the shit with the two fools. Nev has known where we are at every moment, and the twins are aware of their sister’s focus on us. Certain people are hyper-alert to those around them. Caesar’s like that, too.
We join our group at the table. Raimi comes to sit on my lap, so I can see her painted face better.
“Nev got butterflies,” she tells
me, and I smile at my gal’s decorated cheeks.
The twins decide to get their faces painted to prove to their three little ones how the process isn’t scary. Soon, we’re the most colorful table at the party. Raimi and Nev even sweet-talk Pricilla into getting kitty whiskers. Of course, Fred jumps at the chance to beautify the world with his painted dog face.
“I’m chasing her wily kitty.”
“They’re so horny for each other,” Avery whispers to Savannah.
I suspect the twins are under the impression their voices are quieter than they are. Brick gives me a grin as if his head’s in the same place.
“I’m glad you came home, Daddy,” Raimi says, wrapping her arms around my neck and hanging on.
Nev smiles at me, hiding nothing. A few weeks ago, she was a stranger, and I was a man with no interest in falling in love. Now, this woman is my home.
THE CRACKERJACK
Before visiting the hotel waterpark, I didn’t suffer a single doubt with my choice never to have a baby. If I had been unsure, though, these crotch goblins—squawking, puking, shitting their pants, and being all-around gross—would put to bed those reservations.
“I can barely tolerate my cute nieces and nephews,” I tell an amused Sam when I mention how we’re surrounded by the future. “These monsters aren’t even adorable enough to offset their goo production.”
Sam refuses to admit the kids gross him out. But he also never fesses up to how much he hates when my cats rub against his legs. Sam simply ignores certain annoyances and focuses on something better.
The weekend at the hotel isn’t awful as long as I use the same technique. If I focus on other people’s kids, I feel covered in cooties. But if I keep my attention on Raimi, Caesar, and Sam, I have fun. Sort of like when I was a kid and my family went somewhere surrounded by shitheads I’d rather avoid. My parents made the experience fun until I barely noticed the losers around us.
And I try to do the same for Sam’s kids. Raimi is a little overwhelmed by the mass of children at the pool area. Caesar gets hyper-protective and can’t have fun, either. Sam and I join them in the water, having contests to see who can hold our breath the longest. When the crowd thins out during nap time, we practice swimming and floating.
Everywhere we go, women get obscenely thirsty for Sam. Like, I know he’s hot. Hell, I’m horny for the guy twenty-four seven. Yet, people in Pema and Idyllwild don’t drool so obviously.
At the hotel, the moms feast on his shirtless glory. He’ll sometimes smirk, feeling their gazes devouring his fine body. But he’s so accustomed to people creaming themselves over his looks that it barely fazes him.
“The dads check you out endlessly,” Sam says that night while we fool around in bed in our room separated from the kids’ by a closed door. “Not even subtle about it. I ought to feel insulted by their lack of fear of my reaction.”
“Are you jealous?”
“They can only look,” he says and sucks at my throat. “I get to touch.”
His easygoing nature is exactly what I crave. Sam trusts I’ll never stray. He doesn’t need to track my every fucking movement to know I won’t whore behind his back. Early on, I worried he might let his own insecurities over our age difference get the better of him like it did for Yulia.
But that’s not Sam. If I cheat, that’s a sign I wasn’t the woman he thought. Forcing me into a cage to keep men away isn’t his style.
And I don’t mind women checking out Sam. He’s a sexy man. No matter how much time we spend together, the moment he flashes his smile at me, I get lightheaded and flustered. I realize Fred has the same power over Pricilla.
This connection with Sam is what I saw growing up with my parents. After Yulia, I started doubting if such love was real. Mostly, I second-guessed myself.
Now, I know the magic my parents share is possible for me, too. I’m also a bit more lenient with my siblings’ gross displays of love. This crazy addictive passion makes people shameless. No wonder they’re always fondling each other in public.
I do my best to avoid feeling up Sam in front of the kids. They’re still adjusting to our new life. They hid so much from their dad when he was locked up and wore cheerful masks for their grandparents. Fortunately, their ability to lie isn’t as strong when Sam’s around. They blurt out questions rather than letting worries fester.
“Are you going to live with Nev?” Raimi asks during dinner at the hotel.
Without missing a beat, Sam nods. “Eventually, yeah.”
“Where will we live?” she asks, sounding nervous as Caesar stops eating.
“With us, squirt,” Sam replies, offering her a soft smile. “Did you want to stay with your grandparents?”
Raimi shakes her head. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too.”
“I love Pawpaw and Nana,” Raimi says, looking for reassurance. “Will they be mad if we move?”
“Naw, they’ll be happy to run around naked more.”
The kids laugh at the thought until Caesar suddenly frowns.
“We’ll need to ride a different bus.”
“Or I can drive you,” Sam says, instantly having easy answers for their questions. “No reason to worry. Nev and I have flexible schedules.”
“Can you pick us up, too?” Raimi asks, wide-eyed and excited. “I don’t like the ride home.”
“Sure, squirt.”
The kids share a look, and I sense the bus wasn’t a pleasant experience. The problem with Idyllwild people is most are lowkey assholes. They don’t come up and scream “whore” like Krason did at the ice cream shop. Their insults are more subtle, like how they “helped” the kids with their grief.
I suspect that’s why Fred and Pricilla can live in Idyllwild without hating everyone around them. Sam’s parents believe the best in people, thus missing all the subtle digs. I’m a naturally snarky person, so I assume most of what people say is an insult.
But all the lowkey crap means punishing assholes is trickier. They probably don’t even realize they’re doing anything. When you live and breathe self-important hostile bullshit, you think it’s normal.
Moving out of Idyllwild isn’t the solution, though. I love my house. Fred and Pricilla are blocks away. Savannah’s place is close, too.
Besides, the Majors family endured bullshit in Ellsberg, and we didn’t move. If people started any trouble, my parents quietly fucked them up. That’s what I’ll do for Sam’s family. Same shit if anyone messes with Savannah’s kids. I’ll burn down a few houses, steal a couple cars, or jump a handful of people. No big whoop. Idyllwild belongs as much to us as it does to the assholes.
And there are jerks everywhere. I spot a few jackasses glaring at tatted, shirtless Sam at the pool. I also hear several women making snide comments about my hot body affecting their horny husbands. One of them even tells me to cover up.
“Your husband’s cheating on you,” I reply immediately. “Not with me, of course, but with some fugly bitch from his work. You have bigger issues than my ass hanging out.”
I like to believe I ruined that woman’s day. She certainly didn’t affect mine.
And nothing derails me that weekend. Not even the sheer amount of baby snot I dodge.
I enjoy the way the four of us feel together. I’m probably not mom material with Raimi and Caesar, but I can ace the daddy’s fun, protective girlfriend role.
When we drive home in my SUV, Sam takes the wheel with Caesar acting as his copilot. I sit in the back with Raimi and watch funny pet videos.
“If you let me live with you,” she says as we near Idyllwild, “I won’t need to get a dog or cat of my own. I’ll be a good helper with the five you have.”
Even a week ago, Raimi’s expression would have sent me running. She’s so desperate for the feeling she had before Sam left and Teigh died.
This is the moment when I accept it doesn’t really matter if I’ve got a natural mom vibe. Raimi is mine to care for, and I can’t leave the emotional heavy
lifting for Sam.
“We can still get a new pet once everyone’s settled in,” I tell the nervous girl. “Maybe for your birthday.”
Raimi’s desperate gaze softens, and she scoots closer. I know she wants me to hold her. No longer wracked with panic, I wrap an arm around her shoulders and put on another video.
Ready or not, my heart accepts the responsibility of loving Raimi and Caesar.
THE CHAPTER WHERE BADASSES SUFFER SENIOR MOMENTS
THE CHARMER
After I drop off the kids at school, I head over for a meeting at Whiskey Kirk’s. The bar isn’t open yet, and Nev isn’t here. She plans to talk to Alyn today about a therapy plan for Raimi and Caesar.
“They never processed their grief,” she said yesterday when we were lounging around her yard before picking up the kids. “Now, their feelings are jumbled up. That’s not something you and I can fix.”
“Therapy isn’t a concept anyone in my family’s ever gotten around to trying.”
“My family isn’t big on it, either. Even Violet, who could use a whole fucking shit-ton of therapy, doesn’t want to talk to a shrink. But Alyn is a big believer in it, and she helped me after Yulia. I think she can help the kids. Or, at least, point us in the right direction. Plus, she’s bored and needs a project.”
Though Nev’s rich friend is a bit obnoxious, I like Alyn plenty. Even if I didn’t, I’d smile for Nev’s benefit. Plus, her redheaded “frenemy” is willing to housesit and watch the pets. First with the hotel a week ago and soon for the trip to Ellsberg.
I’m thinking about Nev’s hometown when I enter Whiskey Kirk’s. Heidi O’Keefe meets me at the door and sighs deeply. The dark-haired spitfire ran the Reapers behind the scenes for years. If Heidi had the correct plumbing, she’d be a scary but efficient president. With her sporting flowered dresses rather than a sausage and hash browns, Heidi now handles the legit businesses while Colton is the face of the Pema chapter.
“I barely got to talk to you at the party,” she says, her pretty face frowning. “To really thank you for what you did and how much you gave up.”
