“Ryan?” she answered breathlessly.
“Ah, it’s Alex. Is this Holly?” I felt like a moron.
“I’m Holly. Where’s Ryan? Is he okay?”
I couldn’t hold back the chuckle as I sunk down onto my bed. Her concern was unmistakable. “Holly, he’s fine. Drunk, but okay. He’s passed out on my couch.”
“Oh. Okay. Good.”
“Good?”
“At least he’s safe.”
“You’re really worried, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am! He took off like a bat out of hell without telling anyone where he was going. He took Zoe’s car. He’s gay. And our dad just died. How couldn’t I be worried?”
Fuck, I was an insensitive prick sometimes. “Sorry. I didn’t think…”
“It’s fine. It’s just been one of those days, I guess.” Toeing off my shoes, I reached down and peeled off my socks. “Can you tell me what happened?”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you want to know? Do you even care?”
Ouch. That hurt. Without realising it, I was rubbing my chest in that spot right above my heart. “Of course, I care. Ryan’s hurting right now and I care about him. So, if I can help in any way, please, Holly, just let me.”
I heard her huff down the line. I would have sworn she was weighing up her options. Trying to make the right choice. I admired her for that. I may have only met the girl for two minutes and heard her name mentioned maybe half a dozen times, but already I admired her.
“Fine. Can you take care of him until someone gets down there? He thinks Dad’s heart attack was his fault. He’s blaming himself…”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“I know that and you know that, but right now, that’s what Ryan believes. In his own twisted mind, he thinks Dad found out he’s gay and then the next minute he had a heart attack. He’s putting two and two together and coming up with five.”
“I get it.” Sadly, I really did. I wish I couldn’t relate, that my own fucked up head didn’t automatically feel exactly what Ryan was going through but how could I not? My parents may not have actually died, but to me they might as well have. I wasn’t entirely sure which was worse. “I’ll keep him here with me. I don’t think he should be on his own right now.”
There was arguing in the background. Loud, aggressive arguing. “Hang on a second, Alex,” Holly started before I heard the phone clunk. Next thing you know, a female screeching joined in the arguing. A female I could only imagine was Holly. As sad as the whole thing was, this was fucking hilarious. Made me wish I had more than Shane in my life to argue with. Ryan might get annoyed with his family, they may drive him nuts and push him to the very edge of sanity, but how could you not love them? I only heard snippets, but they were arguing not on who had to go help Ryan, but who was going to. They all wanted to be the one to do it. Ryan was a lucky bastard. And the moment he sobered up, I was going to make sure he remembered that.
“Is this Alex?” A deep, delicious timbre voice came down the line.
“Yeah?”
“I’m Connor, Ryan’s older brother. I’m going to crash for a couple of hours, then I’ll head down. That okay?”
“Sure.” What else could I say? No? Not fucking likely. Covering my mouth, I let out a loud yawn. It had just passed midnight, and I was more than ready to crash. Even from my bedroom, I could hear Ryan’s chainsaw snoring. When he’d spent the night previously he’d snored, but I’d figured out the pattern. The more he drank, the louder it got.
“Thanks, man. I owe you. Should be there around lunch time.”
“No worries. I’ll text you the address. Based on how hard Ryan crashed, I doubt he’ll have moved very far by the time you get here.”
“See you tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
Just as I went to hang up, Connor spoke again. “Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for taking care of him.”
“Anytime.”
Before I had the chance to forget, I shot off my address to Connor, plugged the phone into the charger, turned off the alarm—I did not need that—stripped off, and slid under the covers. How today had ended up like this I had no fucking idea, and what’s worse, I was even more clueless what tomorrow would bring. If I was a betting man though, I was guessing this was only the beginning.
“What the fuck is that noise?” I complained as I tried to sit up. My belt buckle was digging into me, the room was flooded with bright sunshine, burning my eyes and my head. The room was fucking spinning and a marching band practiced against my skull.
“Coffee, sunshine?” Alex offered me a mug looking altogether too fucking smug for my liking.
“What time is it?”
“Almost eleven.”
Dropping my head back against the lounge, I realised why my neck felt like it had been crammed into a corner all night. This couch was shit! When I tried to sit up again, I spilt the scalding coffee down my chest. “Shit!” Setting the cup on the coffee table, I looked down at my now stained shirt.
“Take it off. I’ll grab you a clean one,” Alex offered as he moved towards his bedroom.
I don’t know why, but suddenly I was self-conscious. I didn’t want to take my shirt off and have Alex to see me like that. What we’d done in the past, hell, what we’d done on this very couch was still fresh in my mind.
Alex appeared, handing me a faded grey t-shirt. Why did he have to be so damn dependable? He said he’d get me a shirt and he did. No arguing. No worries. No ulterior motives. He just handed it over like it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing. It was everything.
“Mind if I use your bathroom?” I asked nervously, my voice trembling. With a simple wave of his hand, I found my feet and ducked through his apartment before hiding behind the locked door.
Turning on the tap, I splashed cold water on my face, hoping it’d wake me up and make me feel better. It didn’t. If anything, I felt worse. As the fogginess started to lift, reality crept back in.
I was gay.
Everyone knew.
Everyone I loved knew my secret.
My dad was dead.
And it was all my fault.
I barely made it to the toilet before last night’s dinner and those horrid gin shots that had sounded like a good idea at the time decided to make a reappearance. If it was at all possible, gin tasted even worse coming back up. By the time I was finished, my eyes were aching and I had tears streaming down my face. I felt completely wiped out and ready for a nap, despite the fact I’d been awake barely twenty minutes. On my unsteady feet, I stood up and wobbled back to the sink. Rifling through Alex’s cupboards felt wrong, but I needed mouthwash. After taking a few healthy swigs, I felt a little better. Looking down at my shirt, I was a fucking mess. Not only had I managed to splash coffee all over myself, but it seems I’d dribbled spearmint mouthwash down it. You couldn’t take me anywhere, really. Yanking the shirt over my head, I didn’t dare look up. I didn’t want to see the reflection staring back at me. I was afraid of what I’d see there. Quickly I tugged on Alex’s clean shirt. It smelt like him. It was soft and worn, and the arms had been stretched by his biceps. Biceps I knew. I prepared myself. Reality was on the other side of that door. A reality I couldn’t avoid any longer.
“Feel better?” he asked as I made my way back into the lounge room.
“Not really,” I answered. Although cleaning my teeth helped. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders suffocating me. “Wanna talk about it?”
I looked at Alex and saw the hope in his eyes. He was way too put together for me. I was a mess. Not even a sexy hot mess. Just a complete and utter disaster. I mean, how can I not be? Forty-eight hours ago, my life seemed so much simpler. Then wham! Everything I knew was different. I was different. Yet at the same time, I was still me.
A knock interrupted us, if you could call someone pounding at it as if they were about to kick their way inside a knock, and sa
ved me from spilling my guts.
“All right! All right! I’m coming. Keep your fucking pants on!” Alex went to open it as I picked up my half empty, mostly cold coffee. It tasted exactly like it should. Disgusting and unappealing. Needing the caffeine though, I downed it as quick as I could.
“You Alex?” a gruff voice I’d recognise anywhere asked rudely.
“You Connor?” Alex replied just as stiffly. I had to mask a laugh. Alex wasn’t stiff at all. Well, not in a bad way. The act he was putting on, from where I was sitting, with his shoulders squared and chest puffed out, made him look like a peacock ready to rumble. And as much faith as I had in Alex’s muscles, muscles that would turn most peoples—male or females—knees turn to jelly, I knew Connor’s strength, and there’s nothing that could make me bet against him.
“Oh, stop this pissing contest! Where is he?”
I didn’t even have a second to think about it. Zoe pushed through the wall of testosterone like it was nothing and came barrelling into the room. I found my feet the same time she threw herself recklessly into my arms.
“Fuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk!” I screamed like a girl. Yep, I’ll admit it.
As quick as she could, Zoe let go and stepped back, her bottom lip trembling like she was about to burst into tears. What the fuck was she going to cry for? I was the one with a broken collar bone who’d spent the night passed out on a couch that was way too small, and then just been squashed within an inch of my life. Okay, I was probably being a little dramatic, but the pain travelled through my body like my blood had turned to lava.
“Shit, Ryan. I forgot. I’m so sorry,” Zoe started chanting her apologies.
“What happened?”
Connor stepped through the door looking tired and irritable. His jaw was covered with stubble and his hair was a mess. When he dropped his huge bear-like hands on Zoe’s shoulders, she sagged.
“Nothing. I’m fine,” I retorted through gritted teeth, the pain still making me want to puke.
“That wasn’t nothing, Ryan.” Alex was not going to let this one go.
Looking over his shoulder, my eyes drifted to the kitchen table, wondering if there was any gin left. As nasty as that shit tasted, anything was better than this excruciating pain.
“Don’t be a dick, Ryan.” Ah Connor, always so poetic.
Alex and Connor exchanged predatory glances. They were still sizing each other up and I was fucking clueless as to why. They had never met before, and had absolutely nothing in common. Well, except for the macho bullshit, I guess there was that.
“Sit down, all of you! You’re making me dizzy. And Alex, Ryan broke his collar bone the other day. I wasn’t thinking and hurt him.”
Connor sunk into the single leather chair, dragging Zoe down with him. For two people who weren’t together, they were awfully together. Alex stared at me as I sat, cradling my arm on the other chair. He was not happy. Not happy at all.
Without a word, he stomped into the kitchen, tugging at his hair angrily. It would have been hot if I wasn’t so worried that rage was aimed in my direction. He yanked open the fridge, grunted, and slammed it shut. Returning empty handed, he slumped onto the opposite end of the couch, putting as much distance as he could between us.
Feeling awkward, I suggested we get out of Alex’s hair. That went down like a fucking lead balloon. Instead we stayed exactly where we were, not game to move an inch.
“You took my car,” Zoe stated flatly. I’d only seen her like this once before, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. Living with Zoe had been a rollercoaster, one second she’d be crying like her favourite ice cream flavour had been discontinued, the next she laughed so hard she almost peed herself. I liked that Zoe. The one who wore her emotions on her sleeve. That one I knew exactly how to take. Stoic, logical Zoe, she was terrifying.
“Sorry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going? I would’ve come with you.” Connor shot a seething look at me, but Zoe wiggled her bony ass in his lap and stole his attention.
“I needed time.”
“A heads up would be nice.”
“Okay.”
Everything was polite. Cordial. Surface bullshit. I closed my eyes and counted. I didn’t even make it to five before Connor’s booming voice disrupted the silence. “Ryan, you’re a fucking asshole.”
“What’d I do?” I defended weakly.
The truth was I had no defence. Connor knew it. And I knew it. But I couldn’t say nothing. I should’ve kept my mouth shut, but I just couldn’t.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Connor bounced out of his chair, barely even noticing Zoe’s squeak as she wobbled and flopped down where he’d been. “You drop a fucking bombshell on us. Zoe passes out. You disappear. Dad dies, for fuck’s sake. You up and vanish. You don’t answer your phone. We don’t know if you’re alive or fucking dead. And you take Zoe’s car. How the fuck did you think she was going to get home?”
I sucked in a breath through my nose. Everyone was watching me. Watching to see if I rose to face Connor head on, or shrink back like I’d always done. I’d always stayed in the shadows. Hidden who I really was. That’s how we’d ended up here. How everything had gotten so screwed up in the first place.
I couldn’t help it. I looked at Alex. I wasn’t sure what I was hoping to see there, but it was something. I wanted—no I needed—his support. If he abandoned me now, which, if I was being honest with myself, I absolutely deserved, I’d be completely alone, something that terrified me to the point of a panic attack. Staring at Alex, I didn’t see the muscles that I knew felt warm and strong beneath my fingers. I didn’t see his lips, that I knew tasted like my favourite flavour. Instead, I saw the man I wanted to be. And not just to be with, but be. He hadn’t had it all his way. His family, they abandoned him when he needed them the most. Although he hadn’t shared all the details of his own coming out party, one night after a few too many beers, and before his shirt came off—because let’s face it, when a man like that takes his shirt off, the last thing you’re thinking about is what his saying—he’d told me enough to know it was basically only him and his brother these days. I was already luckier than him. Holly would stand by my side no matter what I did and who I was. Not for a second did I ever have to doubt that. And if I had Holly backing me up, Gage, Beau, and Connor, despite his behaviour, wouldn’t be far behind. It was how our family worked.
Summoning all the courage I had, I stood up, still cradling my elbow. I really needed to get my sling back on and soon. I didn’t realise how fucking heavy my arm was until I was nursing it. “Fuck you, Connor! You think the last couple of days have been easy for me? I told you I was gay. I didn’t drop a bombshell on you, as you so eloquently put it. I told you the truth. For the first time ever, I don’t have to hide who I really am from the people I love the most. And you know what, it should have felt fucking fantastic. And for half a second, it did. I felt free. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could just be. I wasn’t pretending, and I wasn’t second guessing everything. Watching every move I make. Doubting every word I said. So, fuck you. You didn’t want to hear it, tough fucking luck. Get over it. As for the rest…Zoe,” I turned to her. “I’m sorry I took your car and left you stranded. Honestly, I didn’t think. I didn’t think about anything other than getting as far away from there as fast I could.”
“I get it.”
“Thanks. But still…I shouldn’t have.”
“It’s okay.”
“And Dad?” Connor questioned, his arms folded across his wide chest. The anger had faded and he looked like he was thinking hard about something. The mention of Dad’s name brought tears to my eyes.
“I…didn’t…mean…it,” I spluttered out between hiccups, which had appeared from nowhere.
“What are you talking about?” Alex encouraged, sliding along the lounge until he was right next to me. I could feel the warmth from his thigh against mine, and somehow it gave me the boost I needed to keep going
.
“I…never…meant…to…kill…him.”
“Is that what you think?” Connor’s voice was soft and filled with pain. I don’t think I’d ever heard him like that. Not even to a newly born lamb who’d just lost its mother.
“Connor…” Zoe had tears dripping from her chin.
Alex remained silent, but wrapped my hand in his. “You didn’t kill Dad, Ryan. The years of drinking did.”
“What? No! He found out I was gay and lost it. I’m the reason he had a heart attack!”
“No. You’re not. And I’m not going to let you think for another fucking second that you are. Dad has been having episodes,” Connor even used air quotes to emphasise his point, “for months. I’ve dragged his stubborn ass to the doctor’s half a dozen times. And Holly, she’d already called an ambulance on him twice. Damn idiot fell down the stairs and bumped his head last month when he collapsed. You didn’t do this. Dad’s blood pressure did. He was too proud to take the medication to help him. That’s what caused his heart attack.”
“Why didn’t I know?”
“No one did. Only me and Holly. He asked us not to tell anyone.”
“I thought…I thought…” I couldn’t breathe. The room was spinning and I felt lightheaded.
“Well, you were wrong. It wasn’t your fault. Nothing you or anybody did, could have avoided it.”
Silence settled over us as I let Connor’s words sink in. Dad was sick. He was ignoring what the doctors had told him. He wasn’t taking the medication. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do it. Standing up, I looked around for my shoes. After slipping them on, I scooped up my keys and phone, fully aware everyone was tracking my every move. I needed a minute to myself. Some space to think.
It wasn’t until I pulled open Alex’s front door before my manners kicked in. I’d put everyone through enough last night pulling my disappearing act. I wasn’t about to do it again. “I’m going to go for a drive. Meet you at home?”
Connor glanced over at Zoe, then they both looked at Alex. “See you there. Call if you need anything,” Connor confirmed.
Breaking Free (Meet the McIntyres Book 4) Page 15
