Sitting either side of Carly was an exhausted but ecstatic looking Payton and Mum. I was so glad she was here. After everything had happened, true to her word she came down to Melbourne and stayed for a few days. We didn’t do much. Ate out. Walked around. Mainly we just caught up and spent a lot of time talking. Mum was a different person. She regretted a lot of things, some of them she could never undo, especially now that Dad was gone. She asked a lot of questions about my life. At first, I was worried she’d hate me for my choices, but she didn’t bat an eyelid. She told me she loved me no matter what, and then proceeded to interrogate me about having a boyfriend. Basically, a typical Mum moment.
“Ryan!” Payton called out, noticing me standing on the edge, watching what was happening. Everyone turned to me at once. Before, that would have intimidated the fuck out of me. Being the centre of attention was not my idea of fun, but now, I’d gotten used to it. At least I’d started to…as long as I was the centre of attention for the right reason. In this family, I didn’t really get a choice.
“Hey everyone!”
Beau dragged me into a huge bear hug. He was obviously riding high today. “About time you arrived. They said we couldn’t light these babies up until you did! Hey Alex.” Beau hugged Alex as if they were long lost friends before handing us both a cigar. I had no intention of lighting the disgusting thing, even the smell of it made me want to gag, but for celebration’s sake, I stuffed it in the corner of my mouth for a moment.
I moved towards Payton and dropped a kiss on her cheek, trying to sneak a peek at my beautiful niece. Looking over Carly’s shoulder, I spied a tiny little face amongst the blankets, sleeping soundly.
“She’s gorgeous, Payton. Just like her mum.”
I didn’t dare ask to hold her. Between Carly’s grip and Mum’s hovering, I knew I didn’t have a hope in hell of getting any closer, but that was okay. Babies scared me. They were so little and I was so clumsy. The last thing I would ever want to do was hurt her.
“Why don’t you guys go start the barbeque?” Payton suggested firmly enough that we all knew it wasn’t really a suggestion. It was more like a direction thinly veiled with a choice.
“Sounds good,” Beau replied, heading into the kitchen to dig out the tongs.
Within minutes we were all crowded around the barbeque, unlit cigars still hanging out of our mouths and beer bottles in our hands. This was what family was about.
“You gonna light that thing, Daddy?” Gage teased, holding out the lighter towards Beau’s cigar.
“Fuck no! I hate the things. They stink and taste like ass…”
“And I have no doubt you know what ass tastes like,” Connor tossed in
Not to be outdone, Beau replied quickly, “Nah, but I’m sure Ryan does.”
“What the fuck did I do?” Well, that earnt me a slap up the side of the head. “What the hell was that for?” I stared at Beau, who was grinning like the Cheshire cat on crack.
“I’m a father now. Can’t have that kinda language around my princess.”
Well, that did it. We all fell apart, laughing hysterically. Beau swore more than all of us combined, and Payton definitely wasn’t averse to letting the odd ‘F’ bomb drop. With those two as parents, it wouldn’t surprise me if her first word was ‘shit.’
Connor assumed the role of chef, taking control of the tongs, while Alex and I dragged some extra chairs over and we all flopped down. “You ready for this?” Gage asked sincerely, all hints of teasing gone.
“Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue, but it’s too late now.”
“That’s true.”
“At least she starts off little and not a teenager where I need to keep horny teenage boys at bay. Hey Connor?”
“Yeah?”
“You know your shed apartment?”
“Yeah.”
“Does it have a lock on the door?”
“Why?”
“Maybe I can lock Robin in there and let her out when she’s twenty-one.”
“Twenty-one?” Gage scoffed.
“Yeah, Gage, you’re right. Thirty. I’ll let her out when she’s thirty!”
“Poor girl,” I uttered, only Alex hearing me.
While Connor flipped the steak and turned the sausages, I asked what else had been happening around here. Connor gave me a rundown of the farm business. Beau boasted about his new house and how he couldn’t wait to get Payton and Robin home to it. From the sounds of things, it’d been all hands-on deck in the last couple of weeks to not only get them moved in, but to get it tidied up and a nursery fit for a princess ready to go.
“You should see it, Ryan. It’s like pink threw up in there.”
“You’re going to be an awesome father, Beau,” I commented, truly believing it. Beau wasn’t the same guy he’d been just a couple of years ago. Before he came home he’d been living it up in Sydney, partying the weekends away. The absolute last thing on his mind was a wife, kids, and a shit tonne of responsibility. Now, look at him. He’s never been happier. The farm was doing great. He and Connor had worked it out, and things were going from good to great before our eyes. He was happily married to Payton, who might just possibly be the absolute best thing to ever happen to him. She didn’t tolerate his bullshit, but loved him despite it. And now he had Robin. The fairy tale was complete. Part of me was jealous as hell. I wondered if a family was in my future. I knew it wouldn’t be the conventional wife, kids, a dog, and a white picket fence, but I couldn’t help but wish that somehow, someway, I’d get a chance to be a dad one day.
“Thanks, Ryan.”
“So…you two.”
My stomach dropped. We’d been having so much fun, and Alex had just slotted in like he’d always been there. I didn’t want Beau making things awkward. “Yeah?” I asked nervously.
“You guys together now or what?”
“Huh?”
“Last time you were here you were just friends, or at least that’s what you were claiming. But don’t think we didn’t see the way you were checking each other out every chance you got.”
“Yeah. It was so fucking hot Carly almost screwed me to death the moment we got through the door,” Gage confessed, and I spat beer all over myself. That was not something I was expecting. Especially from my uptight brother, Gage. From Beau, maybe. Connor definitely. But Gage, never. It wasn’t like him. Maybe hanging around Carly had changed him.
While Alex clapped me on the back as I choked, he looked Gage dead in the eye. “Oh, poor Gage. Carly’s hot as fuck, so I wouldn’t be complaining if she rode you like a horse late into the night if I were you.”
“Oh, she did that all right. And more. So much more.”
Shit!
We were busted.
None of us had heard the screen door open, and Carly, as well as family friends Derek and his wife Mia, as well as Mia’s sister Josie and her partner Nate, come out.
Everyone stayed silent and waited for Gage to react. I wasn’t saying a fucking thing. He’d been caught red handed bragging about his sex life. I was not getting involved in this. Carly was sassy and fiery and a hell of a lot of fun. It was pretty much an even bet she’d fly off the handle and kick his ass into the middle of next week or dry hump him where he sat.
Instead, she surprised us all. She completely ignored Gage and instead turned to Connor. “How long ’til lunch is ready?”
“F-five minutes or so.”
“Okay.”
Spinning around, she headed back inside, Mia and Josie hot on her heels.
Derek popped the cap on his beer, clinking the bottle with Beau’s while they smirked at Gage’s uncomfortable predicament.
“Dude.” Nate chuckled, clamping his hand on Gage’s shoulder. “You’re fucked now.”
“Yep. And not in a good way,” Derek added.
Lunch was over quickly, and after the clean-up everyone went off in our own directions. Beau had taken his girls home for a rest, but not before promising to meet us at the pub in a couple
of hours.
I spent time sitting on the back steps catching up with Derek. It wasn’t my choice to be cornered by the local cop, but when he tracked me down, I couldn’t exactly run away. Alex had taken off on the back of a four-wheeler with Connor and Jack, using the thinly veiled excuse of checking the troughs in the bottom paddock. Knowing Alex the way I did, I knew he didn’t give two shits about the water level. He’d been dying to get on the back of one of those toys since the first time he’d seen them parked in the shed.
“I’m worried about her, Ryan.”
“She’s okay,” I attempted to assure Derek as he interrogated me regarding Zoe.
“She’s lost weight. And she fainted!”
“She’s been working really long hours at the gym. I think she’s just trying to stay busy and keep her head above water.”
“Zoe’s not doing anything stupid, is she?”
“What do you mean?”
“When Spencer died…she…she, let’s just say she was in a bad way. She did some silly things, trying to make it better. I just need to make sure she doesn’t…doesn’t go back to that again.”
“She’s hanging in there. I wouldn’t exactly say she’s happy, but she’s okay.”
“You sure? I can come down…”
“Derek…breathe.” I patted his back. Even though Zoe had explained her relationship with Derek to me, until this moment never really got it. I knew they were close, but this was another level. Derek was her family. And he adored her as much as she did him. Relief flooded me. I was so glad Zoe had someone who’d be on her side no matter what. She needed someone like that in her life. She deserved someone like that. “She’s doing okay. I promise I’ll let you know if anything changes.”
“Thanks, Ryan. Appreciate it.”
“Anytime.”
He stood up from the step, brushed the dirt off his tight ass, and adjusted his sunglasses. “Why didn’t she come home with you this weekend?” Curiosity got the better of him.
Even though I knew the truth, Zoe had begged me to keep her secrets. I hated that she was going through this alone, but she was a stubborn pain in the ass who wouldn’t listen to reason. She didn’t want to see the pity in people’s eyes or hear the disappointment in their voices. Worst of all, Derek’s. He wouldn’t cope with this. It was a doozie. And in Zoe’s twisted mind, she’d already put him through enough. He didn’t need to take this one on as well.
So, I was about to lie to a police officer. “She said she had shit to do and couldn’t make it. She promised next time she’d be here.” Hoping I sounded casual, I stood up and stretched my arms up high above my head.
“Fine.”
The way Derek said it, I was convinced he knew I wasn’t telling him the whole story. But a promise was a , and for now at least, Zoe wanted to figure this one out on her own. Fuck, the only reason I even knew about it was because I lived with her and she couldn’t hide it. Don’t get me wrong, she’d tried. She tried really hard. But the night I heard a thump from the bathroom and went barrelling through the house to check on her, I’d found her passed out on the tiles, a split lip and a used syringe on the counter. At first I fucking panicked. Why would she be doing drugs? Had she just OD’d in our bathroom? What the fuck did I do now? As I was about to call the ambulance, she began to stir. Half an hour later, I had the whole story and it was definitely not what I was expecting. Not at all. Since that night, I’d been beside her every step of the way. I couldn’t turn away from her. Not now. Probably not ever.
Part of me wanted to blurt it all out. Tell Derek everything. At least then Zoe’d have more support. I wasn’t enough. This was way out of my league. As Derek walked away, I headed towards the shed. A nap sounded damn good about now. If I was headed to the pub with my brothers tonight, I’d need it. I can’t remember the last time we’d all gone out and had some fun, just us.
Tugging the roller door, I watched it coil before stepping inside. It smelt exactly like a shed should. Dirty, dusty, with a hint of grease. A sad smile covered my face as I looked over and saw the half-finished ute poking out from under the blue tarp. Memories flooded me and filled my eyes with tears. It was the family project. One from when we were kids. At some point or another we’d all worked on it. Well, all except Holly. She drew the line at getting her hands dirty. I’d spent hours out here with Dad. Pulling it apart, labelling zip lock bags as carefully as I could so I’d know where it was when the time came to put it back together.
I couldn’t stop myself. After taking the old tire off the bonnet, I peeled back the tarp. I needed to see her. I had no idea where we’d gotten to. When it was unwrapped, I stepped back and looked at it. It looked like it was getting close. The windows were in, the engine looked like it was back together. Inside the cab, there were coloured wires hanging in every direction and newly covered bucket seats were wedged in. The interior looked like it was all complete and sitting there waiting to be bolted down and put in place. Forgetting my nap, I moved towards the work bench. It didn’t take long to find the cans of blue paint.
I heard the rev of engines and threw a glance over my shoulder. The three mud-covered four wheelers, with equally dirty riders, came racing around the corner and over the ridge. Even from here I could see the wide smile covering Alex’s face. He would have been the perfect guy to have around on the farm. Not afraid to get down and dirty, loved to work with his hands, and enjoyed some hard work. Stupidly, I let my mind imagine, just for a second, our happily ever after. A farm, a dog, a kid, and some long sweaty nights after hot days working side by side. Hearing my name called out, I adjusted myself in my pants and headed towards the door, wiping my grease- covered hands on the rag.
“What are you doing?” Connor asked as he skidded to a halt and leapt off.
“Having a look around.”
“You gonna finish it?” There was a challenge in his question. It was one that most certainly had a right answer and a wrong answer.
Not giving a shit, I went with honesty, “I’m thinking about it.”
“You should.”
“What?” That was so not what I was expecting.
“You should finish it. Dad would want you to. This was your project.”
“It was ours, not mine.”
“Nah. Not really. Beau and I never really gave a shit. Not like you did.”
“What about Gage?”
“What about him?” I turned around and spied my brother looking clean cut, with his arms wrapped around Carly from behind. Dangling from her fingers was a hot pink motorbike helmet. That girl was going to give Gage a heart attack before he turned forty. He’d love every single moment of it, though.
I felt sick.
Light headed.
Like there was no air.
Leaning back against the car, I needed it for support. Something to hold me up. Without a word, as if he knew what I needed even before I did, Alex was beside me, his arm wrapped snugly around my shoulders. Keeping me warm and holding my demons at bay.
“You okay?” he whispered, the warmth of his breath on my face.
Truthfully, I wasn’t sure. Was I okay? Was it okay to be okay? My head was a fucked up mess right now. Not trusting my voice to give away my secrets, I nodded solemnly.
Feeling the weight of everyone’s eyes boring into me, I ignored my impulses, pushed off the car, and stepped out from under the weight of Alex’s hug, instantly feeling naked and alone.
“I think I want to finish it,” I announced as clearly as I could with a voice that wasn’t at all convincing.
“Do it!” Beau encouraged.
“Sounds good,” Connor added.
“Need a hand?” Alex offered, shocking everyone.
I don’t know what on earth possessed me to offer to help Ryan fix up this hunk of junk, but once it was out there, I found myself not wanting to take it back. Who knows, it could be fun. Getting my hands dirty. Learning something new. Spending time with Ryan. Yeah, I couldn’t see a downside.
Ev
eryone looked at me, then at Ryan, then back at me. I knew they were trying to figure us out. Hell, I spent more hours than I’d like to admit trying to do that. Until today, we’d never once used labels. When Ryan blurted out that I was his boyfriend, I almost keeled over. It took me a few seconds to get a hold of my runaway heartbeat, but as soon as I did, I felt invincible. Maybe that’s why I’d jumped aboard the crazy project.
“Great idea!” Carly clapped. That chick was way too happy.
“Right. Now that’s settled…what are we going to do about Dad’s ashes?” Beau tossed the question out there and the room fell flat.
I felt Ryan move closer to me and take hold of my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love the fact he was leaning on me when he needed to. It was everything I didn’t know I wanted.
While they went and scattered the ashes over the creek, I stayed at the house. Even though Ryan had invited me and Beau insisted, I felt like this was something they needed to do as a family. Besides, I needed a time out. This weekend had turned out to be way more than I’d been ready for.
It was almost dark before we were headed home. We’d barely exchanged five words as we’d bumped our way down the driveway, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. I think Ryan needed some time to himself. When the McIntyre brothers had stomped their muddy boots through the kitchen, headed straight for the beer in the fridge, I could tell the reality of what they’d just done, saying goodbye to their dad had hit them hard. Even though time had passed since his death, it didn’t make taking the final step, letting go, any easier. I couldn’t imagine a time when it would. Sadly, everything that was happening around me made me think of my own father. I’d been able to piece together small snippets from Ryan’s drunk rumblings. And as much as it sucked, and as much as I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, part of me was still struggling not to be jealous.
Adrian sounded like an asshole, some of the things he said, especially to Ryan right before he died, he could never take back. It was something Ryan would have to live with for the rest of his life and something he’d never get over. How could he? The names Adrian had called his own son made my blood boil and I wasn’t even there.
Breaking Free (Meet the McIntyres Book 4) Page 17
