by B C Morgan
“They’ll be thrown away if you don’t make the cut, the price will range in the five digit figure and that’s throwing away pocket change in our world. You won’t be expected to cover the cost,” she gives me a look that is borderline sympathetic, passes me a slip of double sided paper and returns to the building with my future lying firmly within her grasp.
The past week has gone ridiculously slow, there isn’t enough housework and baking in the world to make the days pass faster. I’m trying not to stare at my new cell phone but it’s burning a hole in my pocket everyday it remains silent. I haven’t even given the number to anyone else, I mean it’s only a loan so surely Vanderbilt is the only person who should have the number.
Although, if it takes much longer, I think I will drive myself crazy so I need to find something I can do to prevent me from obsessing over it.
I go up into the bathroom and pull out all the cleaning supplies and I don’t stop until the bathroom is sparkling and my hands are raw. Throwing the sponge into the garbage, I go downstairs to get ready to clean the kitchen again. I know I shouldn’t but it's my go to, has been ever since I realized I bring nothing to this family, other than eating the food that mom works so hard to pay for.
Pulling out the kitchen supplies I come up short. The problem is, this room is spotless. I could always go to my other method of keeping busy and knowing me, there will be a lot to clean afterwards.
Pulling out all of my baking supplies, I try to decide what I want to make, I can’t decide between brownies, cookies, and fudge. Oh screw it, I’ll make all three and take some down to the hospital for the staff. I won’t feel as though I’m using Poppy as nothing more than a reason this way and I can check on her. I need to make sure she’s okay and that she’ll remain that way while I’m gone, I can’t say if. Every time I do it feels as though I’m resigning myself to failure and I can’t let myself think like that. Not this time at least.
I bake for the next hour, until the smell of brownies and cookies fight for dominance, I leave two plates worth of goodies covered on the side and put the rest of the stuff into two plastic containers.
I shove my feet into my battered up high-tops and throw my sweater on before grabbing the containers and heading for the hospital. It’s a bit of a walk but I think the exercise will do me some good with the way my nerves are messing with me right now. I ignore the cars that are driving past me and the people who walk too close for comfort and I don’t miss the dirty looks I get every time I cross the sidewalk to avoid them. I’m clutching the containers to my chest tightly and hoping none of it gets broken on the journey.
The walk is helping to settle my thoughts until the hospital looms ahead of me. I can feel my breath catch in my throat. My beautiful sister, who wastes away before my eyes and I may never know why. I remember when her acceptance letters from colleges started pouring through the door, she was so excited and of course she got selected for more than her fair share. Intelligent, funny and a part of everything. From being a valedictorian to being head of whatever group she chose to join or create. The day she left for college we both cried and I can still see her heartache written across her face. She was pale and I remember she looked scared but she was also excited. She didn’t last past the year.
I don’t know why or how she failed, but she was different when she came back, quiet and jumpy but she soon came back to herself. She gave herself the rest of the year before deciding to go to a campus closer to home, she never spoke about her time before that and I never questioned her. I guess mom must know what went down but what did it matter, she was okay. She was happy and making friends all over the place, she even met someone and then bam.
Two years later and I’m standing here, looking up at the hospital wondering how I can bring her back. Maybe coming here more could help, but if mom can’t bring her back, what hope do I have?
“Luna,” Dr. Cutie, why do you have to be here today?
“Dr. Stevenson,” his name leaves my lips like a prayer and I hate how revealing that could be. I tuck my hair behind my ear and his eyes take it all in, without understanding a damn thing. Thank fuck for that.
“Did you bring me a present?” he asks with a blinding grin and I can feel my cheeks warming from his attention, I will be a stuttering mess if I don’t get moving.
“I baked too much and thought I-I-I w-w-w…”
“Hey, I’m just kidding,” he steps closer and I can’t remember how to make my lungs function and draw breath into them. I've forgotten how to breathe!
He rests his hands on my shoulders and ducks low enough so our eyes are meeting and I can’t help but feel like I’m going to drown within the depths of his emerald greens.
“Take a deep breath and relax, you don’t need to get worked up around me,” his eyes are twinkling and I know he’s teasing me but all it’s doing is making me feel more flustered. My neck and chest are heating under the force of my blush and the problem with being so pale, when I blush I go scarlet.
I move back and out of his reach, tuck my flyaways behind my ear yet again.
“I’m okay,” I mumble, staring at my feet as I dig the toe of my high tops into the dirt.
“Do I make you uncomfortable Luna? I don’t mean to,” he looks worried as he holds my gaze, his eyes widen slightly and he smiles softly at me, like I’m some kind of skittish animal. I guess I am.
“Sometimes, I guess. It’s not you though, it’s me. I’ve got to go,” I try to backtrack, but he’s suddenly at my side and holding my elbow in his palm.
It’s dawning on me that he’s quite touchy feely for a doctor. Is he like that with everyone or just me? I wish it was the latter, I clearly like him more than I should. It’s a fantasy and I know I’ve known him in some sense for over a year now but it doesn’t make us friends. I guess when he helps Poppy and becomes my brother-in-law my crush will cease to exist and I can move on from these ridiculous thoughts.
“At least let me walk you to Poppy’s room, we’ve had a few issues with some of our patients today and I would feel easier knowing that you got there safely,” he sounds genuine, although I can’t help but feel that he is only giving me half truths right now.
“Okay,” I all but whisper and he doesn’t take his hand from me, instead he guides me to a room that is beyond familiar to me. I turn to thank him when a noise fills the air, we both look around for the source when his eyes land back on me.
“I think it’s coming from you,” he says with a smile but I can see the question in his eyes.
“Do you mind holding these for me?” I pass him the containers without even waiting for his response and pull the phone free. I take a deep breath before exhaling slowly and hitting the accept button.
“Miss Carter you have been accepted for the final round of selection, a car will be by to pick you up on Monday. Be prepared to be gone for the next three years,” the phone disconnects and I can’t breathe, think or even function.
I don’t know when Stevenson gripped my shoulders and led me down to the cafeteria, I may have only just got here or I could have been sitting here for the past hour. I think I may be in shock, my heart rate is pounding in my ears and it has leached everything of its color. What have I done? How did I ever convince myself that I could do this, join an academy so riddled in secrecy and rumors that no one really knows what happens. I still haven’t looked at the paper Ms. Vanderbilt gave me explaining the benefits of attending such a ‘prestigious’ establishment. After what happened with the acceptance letter, I probably shouldn’t have left it this long.
“Get this down you,” my eyes flick up to Stevenson as he hands me a mug and I can’t even bring myself to say thank you. I have manners but the link between my brain and mouth seems to be hay wiring.
“Luna is everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost, your mom’s okay, right?”
“I got in,” that’s all that comes out, I don’t even know if he can hear me but his eyes widen as he takes my clenched hand into
his own.
“You got into college, that’s fantastic. Isn’t that what you wanted?” His mouth is turning down slightly at the corners and I don’t know how to answer him. Instead I pull my hand away from his and fold them into my lap.
“It’s something I feel… I need to do, it’s just, I’m not sure I want to. It’s come around much quicker than I thought and I’m scared that I’ll mess up or the experience will change me into someone that I won’t recognize,” I don’t know how I just said all that without a stutter, maybe it’s because of how numb I feel.
“Luna, it’s just college, if you don’t like it or who it turns you into, you can always walk away,” his kind eyes are making me want to cry, he doesn’t understand that his words are impossible for me.
“I have to go on Monday for a… final interview. If I’m accepted officially, then I may not be back for a while, I don’t know if I’m ready to say goodbye to everyone just yet,” I’m wringing my hands in my lap and I can see him get up in my peripheral before he folds himself down in the chair beside me and takes both of my hands this time.
“That’s in three days, how long will you be gone for?” He asks and I’m trying not to fool myself into believing I see disappointment shimmering back at me.
“I’m not sure, they haven’t said. I guess they want to prepare their students for the next chapter in their life. All I care about is getting to a position where I can help Poppy and in turn my mom. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this, guess it’s the whole doctor thing,” I say with a nervous laugh, unable to sweep any more hair behind my ear with him holding my hand.
“Maybe or it’s because you feel happy and comfortable around me, I know it’s that way for me,” his eyes are intense and I feel naked, I don’t really know what to say in reply but his beeper saves me from having to think on the spot.
“I swear, every time I get you alone, I get called away,” he says it like a joke and that’s how I’m going to take it. I need to stop feeding this ridiculous fantasy, he’s too old for me, anyway.
“I’m glad I got to see you before I leave Dr. Stevenson, keep Poppy safe for me?”
“Of course, I won’t let anything happen to her and if I’m lax with the name protocol around you, why not push the boundary a little further,” I arch my brows at him and his smirk lights me up like a 4th of July firework.
“You can call me Cole,” he stands up and I follow him out of the cafeteria. He takes my hands one last time before brushing a kiss against my cheek, I don’t know how to act until he ruffles my hair and just like that, the illusion is shattered.
4
Self Doubts and Selfless Deed
Mom can’t even look at me without bursting into tears, can’t she see that she’s splitting me in two? My heart is breaking and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it, it’s easier to hide in my room and mope in private.
I pull out the paperwork, two nights and I’m gone. I have an overnight bag packed and sitting by the door, even now my eyes keep drifting down to it and I can’t fight the apprehension that’s filling me. If I get chosen, I won’t be allowed to use a damned thing in there and if I get turned away, then I return a failure. Someone who has been found wanting and lacking. Will their opinions match my own self loathing, stemmed from years of jealousy and feeling as though I’m nothing more than the back up child? I know it isn’t fair but Poppy stole the light from every room and all I could do was try to bask in her afterglow. It wasn’t her fault and I know she never meant to do it, but it happened. Which has done nothing more than feed my own insecurities, what the fuck am I doing?
I pull out the papers and my eyes run over them repeatedly until the words bleed together. Five thousand for every year I last and one hundred grand if I make it for the full three years, unless I make it to the top ten and then everything will change. The money increase is astronomical and although I know I won’t make it that far, a hundred grand will be more than enough. There’ll be trips for the more popular girls which don’t interest me but it’s the future possibilities. Very few people will turn me away if I walk away with an education supplied by the Harkwrights. It rivals anything the other colleges offer, the only difference between the two? I have to sell my soul and more than likely my body to get it. I don’t want to be turned away but at the same time; I don’t want to be selected either, what a fucking tangled web I have woven for myself.
“Luna, can you come down for a moment please,” I scrunch my eyes tightly together and try to gather some composure. Mom’s calling me, this can’t be anything good.
I walk slowly down the stairs taking in the photos that adorn the wall, the one of us fishing on a lake and the horrified look on my face after mom told me I had to touch it. Poppy lounging on a beach, looking out to the ocean without a care in the world. Mom sitting on the bleachers watching Poppy performing her cheer routine, she looks so proud and as usual, I’m the one taking most of the pictures. It wasn’t designed like that, I just rarely did anything that was worth immortalizing within a photo frame. At least that’s my opinion, and no one has ever tried to argue with me about it, apart from mom.
Nope, not going there, I roll my shoulders back as I descend the last step but they're already hunching back over as I walk into the kitchen and see mom sitting at the table with a baby photo clutched within her hand.
“Mom, is everything okay?” It’s a stupid question I know, but what else can I say.
“Come and sit Luna, it’s time we had the talk.”
What little color I may possess leaches out of me, if it was a tangible thing I know it would stain the linoleum floor right about now.
I sit down numbly, wondering why she wants to do this all of a sudden. It’s not a simple conversation like the birds and the bees, our education system covered all of that in the mandatory Sex Ed classes, I hated every minute of it. But I get it, I know that sex is an inevitable experience that most people look forward to experiencing and girls either see their virginity as a gift or a weapon. I don’t have those preconceptions, how can I? Where I’m set to go, it’s nothing more than a transaction. I’ll be selling my v card and probably so many more firsts. First actual kiss - not some awkward high school kiss that was far from enjoyable - first touch, first everything. Just not my first time falling in love, I know that will never happen within those walls.
No this conversation will be harder and a lot more personal, the story of how Donna Carter became my mom.
“Is this really necessary mom, I don’t think I want to know anymore. I already know you adopted me but it changes nothing. You are my mom and Poppy is my sister, that’s the only family I ever need to know.”
“I think this is the only time I really see a fire in your eyes, when it comes to keeping my feelings safe, but this is for you. Baby, if you go to that place then you have the right to know who you are and I won’t keep that from you any more,” I can see the guilt in the lines around her eyes and the shadows within their depths and all I want to do is assuage her of it.
“You’ve never kept it from me, I was the one who didn’t want to know and I still don’t. Please,” I’ll get on my knees right now and beg her if I have to, I don’t want to know anything about the parents I’ve never had and definitely don’t need.
She slides a picture to me and tears prick my eyes, making them sting. I don’t know the woman in the photo but on so many levels I do, the alabaster skin, white hair and ice-blue eyes. I’m her but really, I’m the baby she has grasped to her chest with a smile so full of warmth and happiness gracing her lips.
“If you don’t want to know then I won’t force you to listen, but this is your mother by blood and you can’t argue with that look of love on her face. The day your file fell into my lap was the start of a love only equalled to your sister. It doesn’t matter that me and Poppy share the same blood, I love you both the same and you will always be my little Luna bean,” tears are pooling in her eyes and I want to hold her and offer her c
omfort but I don’t give hugs when I have to initiate it. I’m too awkward to make the first move in anything. “There is one thing I will give you though, and that’s a name, in case you change your mind. Selene Starr, that was your birth mother’s name.”
Starr seriously, so my name should have been Luna Starr, nope I think I’ll stick to Carter. A name can hold a lot of power and there is nothing more powerful than the love I feel for my family.
“Is there anything you want to know about that time Luna? I really am okay talking about it. You must have some questions surely,” why is she so determined to unravel the bones of a past that doesn’t even feel like it’s mine.
“Only one I guess, why me?” She looks at me with her head tilted to the side, I guess she wants me to elaborate. “Why did you choose to take me in over all the other kids that you must have been given to choose from? Surely you could have found a more normal child to be a sister or even a brother to Poppy?” My eyes stare at a hole in the wall. I wonder if I should go to a hardware store tomorrow and get it fixed before I leave, I’m the only one who will do it. mom will just let it be.
“Luna, one of these days you will look in that mirror and see yourself the way that Poppy and I do. We know that you are remarkable and the moment you own that, you’ll see that the entire world will open up to you and offer you so many possibilities. Just, stop putting yourself down.” I nod my head with one swift jerk and I don’t miss the eye roll.
“Seriously mom, an eye roll. You’re better than that,” I say with a smirk and her face lights up, the only parent who loves it when her daughter gets a little snarky. Probably because it’s out of the norm for me, being a quiet loner who prefers going unnoticed will do that.
